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Alcoholic relapse

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Wave Rider

Wave Rider

Rising Star
Hi all, thanks for reading.

I am an alcoholic. I relapsed last night after 24 days of sobriety. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one side, I am shameful that I was so weak. On the other side, I am kinda glad it happened because it reminded me of why I hate this awful drug at this point in my life. Much woe has resulted from my use, including a broken back, a few crashed cars, fights with my wife and much, much more.

Now, this may seem like a bit of an enigma, but I don't plan to quit forever, just right now. I am a pessimist and a cynic by the nature of my personality. I actually like being an alcoholic sometimes, I mean I actually enjoy it for reasons outside the effects of the drug. I like the insanity, I like the depravity, I like the delusions, I like the mistakes, I like the escape, I like the detachment from reality, I like the fucked up situations in which I find myself. Interestingly enough, these are also the things I hate bout it. That, and the hangovers. I feel that I can learn from these things, but not necessarily grow from them.

Right now is a time of growth. Alcohol must go. It can come back when I am "all grown up". I don't like the side effects right now, not at this point in my life. I am trying to raise children and go back to school. There is no room for alcohol in either of these aspects of my life. No child deserves to have an alcoholic for a parent. In addiction, there is an inability to love. Once they are raised and instilled with love and positive values, I will likely slip back into the insanity; by choice.

Try not to get confused about my conflicting views on the subject. I am just that... conflicted. One of my ayahuasca trips taught me that everything has it's place, everything has it's time and purpose. Alcohol and insanity are no different. They are things, they too have their time, place and purpose. Now is not the time or place, nor do I have a purpose for them at this time. I actually first read this concept from the Bible, the book of Ecclesiastes. Fantastic read, even if you are not religious. As a matter of fact, this particular trip basically read (mentally) the whole book to me all at once, and drove it home in way you cannot believe. A lot of wisdom there. It seems that that things I learn are fleeting. If I don't practice them, they are soon gone. Writing about them helps.

I've gone long bouts of sobriety before. I went to Iraq two different times for a year each, when I was in the Army. The military doesn't let you drink there. It was not really that hard to be sober. Alcohol was unavailable, I was preoccupied with other things, plus everybody else was going through the same thing that I was. It is a lot harder to stay sober here in the good ole US of A. I can go to the store and back, inside of ten minutes, with any kind of alcohol I want. It is hard to stay away from, especially when I like it so much. Fuck alcohol, I hate it. :? I am so conflicted.

Anyone else out there feel where I am coming from? Conflicted as I am? I was thinking of going to AA meetings. I've never been a "meeting" type of person though, but from what I understand, one can meet the best kind of people at such meetings. Maybe I'll give them a try. Any nexians had experience with AA meetings? I'll probably add ayahuasca to my schedule a little more frequently. Any words of wisdom, encouragement or similar feelings are appreciated.
 
I wish you luck on your quest to change. Breaking an addiction is very hard, your recent month of sobriety is a good start. I know the feeling of letting yourself down after a relapse, but the more time you spend quitting the easier it gets to forget about it. Your kids are a great reason to change, you are very wise to give them the love and attention that they need. Good luck, I'm sure you can beat it.

Once
 
Not much to add but that fighting addiction is see saw in that you just don't quit. You go sober then you relapse. You do this repeatedly till the frequency of sober periods grows to overshadow the relapses. Eventually the relapses will lose their power over you and one day you will be able to say no with great willpower. Just remember relapses are part of the battle. They don't mean you have lost the war. Good luck. You'll come through!
 
Are you capable of having on a few drinks? I went through a bad drinking phase once blacking out often and doing crazy stuff. Yes I liked the insanity too. But I never drank everyday all day, which is what I consider true alcoholism. Do you drink to wake up? Do you drink to function? If not then it sounds like when you drink which was often you get way to drunk and do crazy stuff. So just try enjoying a few drinks without getting totally hammered. Alcohol is more enjoyable and healthy that way anyway. If your not capable of just getting a nice buzz going and you always have to get totally wasted then you a good long break is recommended. Until you can discipline yourself. I wouldn't recommend AA. They will try and convince you that you should never drink again and your diseased which I think is bullshit. The only advantage of going to AA is you will meet people who drank all day everyday and ruined their lives. Which may motivate you to stay away.
 
burnt said:
Are you capable of having on a few drinks? I went through a bad drinking phase once blacking out often and doing crazy stuff. Yes I liked the insanity too. But I never drank everyday all day, which is what I consider true alcoholism. ...
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I’ve never had a drinking problem, but my dad was an alcoholic and I’ve known a few recovering alcoholics. Nowhere is alcoholism defined as “drinking everyday, all day”. There are plenty of sites that describe the features of alcoholism, so I won’t repeat them all here, but the gist is: If drinking is interfering with your life – your family life, your work, your relationships; if you can’t have just one drink – for example, a glass of wine with a meal; if you get drunk every time you drink; if you’ve been involved in alcohol-related auto accidents; if you hide your drinking from those close to you; then you are an alcoholic.

I had a friend who was in AA, and it helped him to stop - there are other people who offer tremendous support. Most alcoholics find it very hard to have just one or two drinks in a social setting, and I think that’s why they encourage absolute sobriety.
 
I wish you the very best with your illness, alcoholism is a disease, definitely seek help , meetings and friends that can help you, Your will power alone may not be enough, it is not your fault though.

My brother passed away this week from Cirrhosis of the liver , he was 39 years old. What he , and many alcoholics do not realize is the devastation they leave behind, his son, now 11 , doesn't have a father, I dont have a brother, and my parents lost their son, it really weighs heavy on all of your loved ones. when someone dies because they cannot stop drinking, it leaves the entire family guilt ridden and frustrated, I do not believe I will ever fully accept this. It seems to go against the natural order of things. We all ask ourselves now why didn't we keep trying even when he did not want us too.

Try to realize that everyone you love -are in this with you, and that we are all pulling for you. Your gonna have to fight this with everything you've got, and ask for the love of your friends and family. ask them to help you, I know if I could given this message to my brother years ago, he would likely still be with us.

Your not alone , we all want to help you. Keep that in your heart as you try again. dont give up.
my best to you-
 
but I don't plan to quit forever, just right now.
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You will die when you're middle aged due to liver complications. If you have kids I highly doubt you'll be around for their 18th birthday. That's a safety net and it's fucking stupid.


This is something that has broken your back destroyed your cars and caused stress with your wife.

And yet you think it's an alright drug for you. Do you not see the insanity in this? I'm not going to say anything else because only you will make it when you want to quit, but just to let you know you'll NEVER succeed if you do this "just right now" bullshit. I've seen it to many times and had to many friends and myself use it as an excuse.


You have a disease with a higher mortality rate than cancer. It just takes longer to kill you.
 
Thanks for all of your support everyone. It means a lot.


burnt said:
Are you capable of having on a few drinks?
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No. If I have one, I have to have twenty. Abstinence is better for me.


proto pax said:
Quote:
but I don't plan to quit forever, just right now.



You will die when you're middle aged due to liver complications. If you have kids I highly doubt you'll be around for their 18th birthday. That's a safety net and it's fucking stupid.


This is something that has broken your back destroyed your cars and caused stress with your wife.

And yet you think he's an alright kind of guy. Do you not see the insanity in this? I'm not going to say anything else because only you will make it when you want to quit, but just to let you know you'll NEVER succeed if you do this "just right now bullshit." I've seen it to many times and had to many friends and myself use it as an excuse.


You have a disease with a higher mortality rate than cancer. It just takes longer to kill you.
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Maybe you're right.
 
Hey WaveRider, I have many good, good friends who AA has helped. Some have stayed involved, while some took the support until they were able to function on their own. Physical addiction to alcohol does not have to be as extreme as burnt has characterized it. Many people with physical addictions to alcohol can maintain on one, or a few, drinks a day, until their next binge. If they go without alcohol for more than a day or two though, the clear signs of physical addiction appear. I was living with my best friend when she decided to stop drinking, and I was shocked to see how much it affected her. She would drink moderately 3-4 days a week, and then get hammered the rest - I was worried, but never thought she had a physical addiction.

You have our support, of course, and it's wonderful that you're thinking of your kids the way you are. The lack of the same care for yourself is worrying though.

Wishing you the best.
 
Wave Rider said:
Anyone else out there feel where I am coming from?
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I know exactly where your coming from. I am an alcoholic and also veteran. For many the two go hand in hand.

Here is the deal.

You made a concious decision to qut drinking because you feel that it isnt good for you at all. You quit for 24 days and relapsed. The relapse does not mean that you have forgotten about how bad drinking is for you, right? Draw strength from this experience and quit again. Look, dont make such a big deal about it, dont beat yourself up over it. Take this opportunity to stop drinking.

Day by day. The first few months is the toughest part.

Take it one day at a time. Ask yourself... What are your slippery slopes? Stay away from those for now.

When you feel like drinking do something else like, hang around people who know you have a drinking problem and want to help.

AA works for some, I never got into it much but the 12 step program is a proven recipe for success.

Dont give up. stick with it.

Hang in there.
 
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