being open in a relationship?

[Tyler_Trismegistus]

Hey guys, so this isn't exactly something I'm struggling with but its something very new to me. My girlfriend is the absolute love of my life and I KNOW (don't ask how, I just do) that I'm going to be with her the rest of my life. Her combined with psychedelics have made me open to so many possibilities in life and I love the person I've become. Last night she told me she's had lesbian / big fantasies for a long time and wants me to be open to the possibility of sharing me with another woman of the opportunity arose. This doesn't really brother me, since I know we love each other and were also young and she should be able to find out who she is sexually... I truly believe that's important. However, it does still make me a little nervous because its so new to me and even though I don't see thongs going south from it, I'm still trying to fully come to terms with it. If anyone has ever been in a situation where being open to explore sexuality arose, I'd really appreciate to hear some advice/ different perspectives, and I know this community is very open minded so I couldn't think of a better place to discuss this. Thanks everyone!

 

[Hjortron]

My personal perspective is that monogamy is pointless. If you love someone, why would you want to own them and restrict their sexuality? To me, sex is a fun and pleasurable activity, much like watching TV and eating pizza or any other food. Why would you only want to do what with one person, and see it as an immoral act when you do it with more people?

Why would you be jealous because one of your dearest friends of the opposite gender likes to have sex with other people, or indeed eat pizza and watch TV with other people?

I know that this isn't a mainstream approach, but this is how I see it. Maybe I have autism, who knows I've tried monogamy a couple of times, but it's just not my thing due to these issues. I just can't pretend that the fact that me or the one I'm with is having sex with others at the same time as me is a bad thing, because I don't believe in jealousy and insecurity. Love != Sex, Love != Exclusivity, Sex != Exclusivity.

But I'm guessing you're seeking the advice of someone more grounded in the conventional way of being a couple; I'm just trying to offer you a viewpoint a bit further away from the box

However, one thing you can do is ask yourself this: How do you feel about the prospect of doing what she is asking of you? Does it feel right, or does it feel wrong? Trusting your intuition can take you a long way, and just because it has worked, or hasn't worked, for others, is no guarantee for how it will go for you, nor is it a guide for what you should decide to do yourself. In the end, you just have to trust your own judgment.

 

[Tyler_Trismegistus]

Thank you! This is actually the response I was looking for. I feel like the iffy-ness I feel is just cultural conditioning because I totally agree with you. I just don't want to seem like you know, she's not enough for me or that I need another girl in the mix because I don't, but I am definitely open to the idea and if the opportunity came I'm sure wed dive in head first... no pun intended

 

[endlessness]

Let me start by saying relationships are hard work, whatever way you chose.

My gf and I have been together for 3 years, and have a poly relationship, and it´s great! Often when talking about polygamy (or polyamory), people will say it seems very complicated, but which relationship isn´t? It´s just hard to find a long term sucessful relationship, period.

Personally I`ve known that poly was the way for me for long. In my previous main relationship, I once saw my ex looking at another guy, some friend, and I knew she was into him. I told her that I wouldn`t mind if she wanted to be with another guy, as long as she talked to me about it and we were upfront about it, be respectful, not do anything behind the back etc. She got really angry at me for even suggesting that, saying I must not love her if I think this way, etc etc.. Irony of the situation is that eventually she actually did get together with that guy behind my back, acted in a really negative way, and left me. I was devastated, but it just confirmed my idea that the issue is lack of respect, doing behind the back, lying to oneself and to the other, etc.

Then I had a quick relationship with a girl that was really into me and wanted to do whatever I said, which was not healthy. She actually did not want the poly thing, but she would have accepted just for me. And I felt that was not right, it has to be balanced, so I eventually broke up with this girl, thinking that if I continued I`d hurt her more in the future and it wasnt fair.

So now with my current gf we have it very good because we are both equally open to it. I won´t lie to you, it was not always easy, but that`s important! Having a poly relationship necessarily means you must work out your insecurities, your fears. These things need to be brought up, talked about, worked out. And this makes an amazing opportunity for personal growth! You gotta be prepared for that, don`t expect that it will all be easy going sexy sexy time and fantasy realizations But it pays off big time IME!

All the details have to be worked out with each person, its not like you can make a `one-size-fits-all´ plan where its like: ¨ok you screw anybody and so do I¨. At least that´s not how it is for us. We are definitely open that the other is with someone else, but it depends who, when, how, etc. Once fo example there was this guy who was a guy I did´t trust, and was trying to be with my gf. She had some attraction to him but she understood why I felt weird around him, and she did not continue going out with him. On the opposite side, I had a great friend that actually got together with my gf and it was flowing very well because I knew he would take care of her, not treat her bad, etc. I´ve also been with a girl she didn´t like, and another girl she didn´t mind. So far we did not have a threesome, it was always a separate thing, each one of us with our respective poly lovers, but who knows what the future may bring.

Also there are situations and situations. For example, maybe you decide that the relationship is open only when you are physically appart (during a travel, etc). Or maybe you decide the other person can only have a secondary role. Or maybe the person joins equally. etc etc. So many ways to go about this. The most important is that you talk to your partner about it, and find what works for both in each moment, with each other potential partner.

Many things to say, but ´ll leave it at that for now. Feel free to ask any question, maybe I can answer from my limited experience

 

[Tyler_Trismegistus]

Thank you seriously. Both of you have helped a lot. On July 24th were going to farm fest in NJ and afterwards were going to travel the us and live out of my car for a few months. We don't exactly KNOW that this will happen, but on our travels if we meet the right people then I don't see any problem with it. I've been spending a lot of time letting go of fear and insecurities and this is just another step that I need to take toward bettering myself.

 

[Shanghigher]

Speaking as someone who's done the poly bit and been quite promiscuous in the past, I actually find the straightforwardness of a mono-relationship reassuring!

At the end of the day, though, it does come down to what both sides want from the relationship. And, if you aren't both happy, then it's generally a relationship that wasn't built to last. Being open about how you feel, what you want, and also listening to and compromising with your partner is essential.

As for the threesome business, go for it! Personally, I found it all rather awkward, but then again, I am British.

 

[Japansage]

Personally, I found it all rather awkward, but then again, I am British.

 

[Jin]

all is play , all is fun

also monogamy is not natural

 

[dg]

even though I don't see thongs going south

let her bring her friend and you just might!

but really i have nothing to add that hasn't been said

good luck never worked that great for me in a committed relationship. worked ok with some flings though

 

[jamie]

I could not do this. Some people seem to be okay, but I have not met them (aside from on the internets). Most people who claim to be open etc that I have met seem miserable and jealous. I personally just want to be loved by someone who finds me enough, and that I love in the same way.

There is just nothing appealing about polyamory for me. I do respect Oberon Zell and Morning Glory for what they have built though.

 

[anrchy]

all is play , all is fun

also monogamy is not natural

I don't think I could do anything other than monogamy. I am not offended by your comment at all but I don't agree.

Ducks keep their mate for life. Is that not natural?

 

[universecannon]

all is play , all is fun

also monogamy is not natural

I don't think I could do anything other than monogamy. I am not offended by your comment at all but I don't agree.

Ducks keep their mate for life. Is that not natural?

Bonobos, a species much closer to us than ducks and arguably even more like us than even chimps, have group sex. Not saying that's "how it should be", or that it either/or is more 'natural' for us, etc..Just throwing that out there :twisted:

I think people should just do what they want and what feels best to them.

I don't really have a personal stance on what works best for me though, since I haven't been able to try a poly relationship as of yet.

 

[anrchy]

I haven't really had a chance to try polygamy but am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to keep it going without jealousy.

My point was, what exactly does natural mean? Although I'm pretty sure jin was just joshin. I'm natural jin I swear it!

 

[darklordsson]

Honestly, if you feel like its ok and the one your talking to says its ok and both agree upon it and to the fullest understanding, leave nothing in the dark. Talk it all out. Ive never been in a polygamy relationship because i just dont have a good feeling about it from personal perspective, but thats just me. Make your own choice and see if it fits but "cya" and talk it out and understand eachother, it goes the same for a monogamy relatinship. If both understand what is going on and are okay with the repercussions of it then there is nothing to worry. But understand eachother, its important either way. As endlesness said too, it was really disrespectful for him/her to blaintly lie, and have the crap shown in the end harshly. Very disrespectful, just tell the truth.

 

[Pile of cats]

I personally believe that sex departs spiritual energy from you both creating a knot that makes you weaker as one but stronger individually as two. That's just my opinion based off my own observations and experiences but I could be wrong! If you feel confident that it wont have a negative effect on your relationship then you might learn from it.

 

[hug46]

Almost every girl i have been out with has expressed an interest in or had interactions with other women. I think that it is perfectly normal. I don"t know how i feel about open relationships. I guess it depends on where you are in a relationship, amongst other factors but i very much understand the feeling of being able to be open and free in a relationship and can see how it would appeal.

I did discuss it once with a partner but the reality of the situation would have ended in complete unmitigated disaster. An example was that we were once in bed telling eachother who we found attractive. She said Johnny Depp (surprise bloody surprise) and i said Penelope Cruz.
From that day on we were never allowed to watch a film with Penelope Cruz in it. This was around about the time that "Blow" came out on DVD and i really wanted to see it. I gained no ground with my protestations that Johnny Depp was in it and we were therefore equal in our celluloid adulterousness . American Beauty was off the cards because it had a naked Mena Suvari on the cover covered in rose petals. I didn"t mind too much about that one because i had already seen it, i just thought that she might enjoy it.

 

[Makyo]

It works both of course, poly and mono, i just think mono is harder work in a way, while poly is more complicated.

My wife and i have been together for 14 years and haven't cheated or been with someone else the entire time, desire, curiosity or lust is natural, but that doesn't mean it HAS to be satisfied, discipline is a good thing as well imho. It works great this way, for us.

We've made clear agreements on what we want and what we don't want, trust and respect are the strongest values i seek in someone, anyone, especially in a relationship, if you analyze for yourself what you want, and wouldn't want in your relationship you can discuss it with your girlfriend and come to agreements, if those agreements are broken it's still up to you how much you are prepared to take or give up.

If jealousy gets involved i think you can forget it, if love gets involved it will become extremely complicated, once you decide to go for a threesome you are taking a risk, but if you make clear agreements it can be a much more calculated risk.

In the end it really makes no difference at all what anyone says or thinks about it, it's something you two will need to have an open and honest talk about, analyze everything and just talk about it, long and deep, before you make a decision, i wouldn't say "go with the flow" but that's just me.

 

[Jot]

I like having one partner, but have not ventured into poly partner territory
I can't say it would be a bad thing

 

[Methodology]

My partner and I met on a sex site, we only initially were looking for a quick hookup, and after the first day, out of abnormal circumstances (I was getting evicted from my apartment, and he was moving into a place the same day, I asked if he wouldn't mind if I stayed there for a bit). After such we fell in love, been together for 40 months now, and we almost never have intercourse. After the first year, we started to grow apart in terms of wants and needs in the bedroom, I'm hypersexual, and he is more into everything but sex, for the most part it is everything I ever wanted in a relationship. I proposed an idea for us to add a third party into our relationship, we are by no means in an open relationship, we only do it together or not at all, but we initially tried it out and it worked extremely well, the first time sucked, it was awkward, weird, the 3rd person was not the pick of the litter, but the second time we did it was absolutely fantastic.

We were at the brink of breaking up over the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship, and miraculously this solved the gap in our relationship, we both take turns in what we want, and as long as your open to idea, everyone gets their fantasies fulfilled. There is possibility of falling for other people as well, you need to take into consideration, I did, but we got past it.

Since then we have started to not have to have a 3rd, we don't do it as much as I want, but we still do it, and it is absolutely awesome, even tantric, seems our chakras are completely aligned at the moment and we both achieve at the same time. Now its kind of like a game that we can play, and if we don't play, its not a big deal, but the option is always there. It only made us fall more in love with each other. Hope this helps.

"The couple that plays together, stays together"

 

[ntwhtyouknw]

I had a similar experience, actually a couple times. Most of the girls I've dated in my life were bisexual so when the question arose I agreed. It only only made the relationships harder. Not to say that it was the cause of our breakups, like endlessness said surely it would have happened anyway just behind my back. Really though it added un-needed jealously from both sides. Weird how me saying sure go ahead, after the fact, they became incredibly jealous toward me. Also I was not fully aware of how bad it would bother me or how I'd react jealously.

But hey thats life, it is a big experiement basically. Try it and see thats how we learn. I know personally now from experience I'm just not cut out for poly. I'd rather date someone who who has been through enough life experiences to know what they want and is comfortable settling down for the most part with someone. I've had my fair share of experimenting.

It takes a special type of person for that sort of thing to work out. Like endlessness stated, he knew that was his thing. If you have to question it then it may end up being more difficult that you think.