XXVII log update:
Dose:
T+00:00 -> Ayahuasca. Equivalent to 40g B. muricata and 8g D. cabrerana. With 10 drops of lemon essential oil.
At night, fasted for 48 hours.
This experience is actually from five days ago, so the details have become less clear in my mind. There's also not that much to report from the experience itself, even though its effects were profound.
The come-up took a relatively long time. I started feeling the first effects at T+00:40 or so, and it only started fully coming up at about T+00:55. At first I felt strong nausea, as always with caapi. I had diarrhea very early on, with a lot of what seemed to be mucus, not explosive or violent at all.
After that, I actually didn't feel bad at all. Not much was happening but I felt comfortable, and my mind started drifting towards introspective directions. I don't remember much of that first half of the experience, it was pleasant and not very strong.
At about T+03:00 I felt that I was coming down. The effects started subsiding gradually, but at one point I started getting some bloating, this time not in my stomach but directly in my intestines. I was planning to redose, but these effects made me reconsider, as I felt tired and not up to dealing with any potential heartburn. The discomfort grew, and soon I started getting more waves of dizziness with visual effects, so I went to lay down again. This was at about T+03:30
Then, something unexpected happened: pain in my right eye going down my right shoulder and a bit of my arm, as if my shoulder were twisted. A feeling that I was dying. This was exactly the same as
log XIII and a few others in June and July, although not as strong, probably due to the relatively low dose. Then this developed into very strong muscle tension in my neck that I could feel at both sides of my face, and the feeling that this was something that had happened before, a memory. This lasted a while, I was seeing blackness with fragments of geometrical patterns appear and disappear while it was happening.
After that became less intense, my intestines felt as if they were being cleansed. It was not comfortable, but it had the positive side of feeling cleansing. The only completely negative part of it is that I again had too much gas, but still not in my stomach, and still no heartburn. But it was quite manageable. I also felt a strange pain at a spot in the middle point between the end of my sternum and my belly button. It didn't feel fully physical, it was a kind of "energetic" pain, and it was difficult to pinpoint its exact location.
At around T+6:00 it started fully coming down. In that moment, a terrible feeling slowly appeared and started growing. It was not a new feeling, in fact I think it's always in the background to a certain degree, but nowadays it rarely grows that much and gets the center spot (this happened in the past, when I had some very bad years). The feeling is basically that I have done something terrible just by being born, that something is wrong with me at an essential level in a way that offends the rest of reality, and that I shouldn't be alive. But even if I weren't alive it wouldn't matter, my fault is so great that death wouldn't erase it.
I'm familiar with that feeling so I know how to handle it, let it be, and let it pass. But it was still challenging and emotionally difficult.
I'd say at T+07:00 or so I was already feeling better, and went to bed. I had strange dreams and woke up physically tired but feeling refreshed.
However, since that day, I have been much more emotional. The first few days it actually affected me a lot, that same terrible feeling and others associated to it came from time to time, triggered very easily by situations that normally wouldn't have triggered anything.
Now I'm feeling better and more stable. Still more emotional than usual, but now it's more emotional openness than an excess of negative emotions. I do feel much more introspective than I usually do, and my baseline is already high. I feel that something has opened, there's work to do, but there's also progress to be made.
This log hasn't been the clearest. This time I have more temporal distance from the experience, but less distance otherwise, as I feel I'm still in some kind of process that started there. Also, I've been finding much more difficult to express myself properly when writing. I find myself repeating many words and writing poorly structured sentences. But it is what it is, I imagine it will improve.
