Death coming to the family. Tools for mourning?

[Vodsel]

Ok, I hope my question can make sense...

Very quickly and unexpectedly (three months ago he only had a sore point in his leg) my dad has become fatally ill. We just learned he has a big, very aggressive cancer that has metastasized largely, in several places, and the doctors are talking about palliative care only. He's not quite himself mentally and he does not even know what's going on at the moment... I don't think he would be able to grasp it.

Miracles don't really sound like an option, so his family (wife, sister, son, daughter) have to start getting ready for his death.

I wanted to ask about your input or personal experience when it comes to the passage of a loved one; it's not about the usual psychological advice and procedures, or about the preparation for the dying - there's already many sources for that matter, and sadly I might not be able to prepare my dad the way sometimes I had imagined I would...

What I wanted to ask is about tools, techniques or specific work that might be useful for the ones who are still alive. I was wondering about other people's experiences somewhere along the mourning process with meditation, substances or any other techniques.

Not that I'm not confident about my ability to be helpful and strong enough, I am... but maybe some ideas could aid someone else in the family. And due to other circumstances, I need to recover spent energies fast - and since I don't know how long my dad's passing will take, I might need to find additional sources of energy to draw from.

Thank you very much for your input.

 

[Guyomech]

I can share a relevant anecdote from my very elderly grandmother's passing a decade ago. My mother- an only child- lived in the same town as my grandmother's care facility, and visited most days despite her hectic schedule. Meanwhile, my grandmother's memory and personality faded day by day down to a vestigial flicker. Through all this, my mother had created a narrative in her mind where she would be at her bedside at the moment of passing, in some perfect storybook kind of way. It had become the only outcome acceptable to her.

So on top of the already heavy heartbreak- she was very close to her mom- she had the added stress of trying to be perpetually available during her fragile last days, which ended up taking a number of months. Finally, her pastor (of a nice liberal church- I've met the pastor and found her very likeable) took my mom aside and basically gave her permission to stop worrying about that. That death really is a thing experienced alone, and that she had already said goodbye a thousand times in a thousand different ways. She apparently needed to hear this, and it had a liberating effect on her.

So it happened quietly in the deepness of the night, with nobody around to stress over it. I think that's what my grandmother would have wanted.


I don't know if any of this applies to your situation, but I hope it in some way helps.

 

[Tranquil]

*hugs*

 

[Vodsel]

That death really is a thing experienced alone, and that she had already said goodbye a thousand times in a thousand different ways.

This is true, and I have no serious pending issues with my dad. I am perfectly aware that he could fade away any moment, and while I'd like to be present when that happens, I know there's a chance that I won't since I live away from the hospital and I cannot afford to completely quit my job now. And I'm dealing fine with that.

What I had imagined to do comes after different reasons. Reasons that are quite related to the DMT Nexus, and maybe this is why I'm asking... the storm of new concepts, experiences and intellectual turmoil I'm happily going through since three or four years ago is the culprit. My vision of life and death is changing, in present continuous, and now I'm more open than ever to the idea that there is a meaningful pattern in them, and we can learn a lot about it. That we can have an influence in the process, that awareness is an agent.

Perhaps it's only a control issue, but lately I had started to think that soon I'd be able to help my loved ones to have a better death, not only by strengthening bonds and accompanying them as much as possible, but also by helping them deal with their own private conflicts and fears regarding death.

What's happening to my dad has started sudden and relentlessly. We didn't see this much coming. He's deteriorated a lot very quickly and we don't know if he will recover fully his mental faculties, so my plans for conversations and walks might not be possible anymore.

Maybe I'm looking for a way to replace those plans, for a way to do something instead, and I should simply let go.

*hugs*

You're life

 

[Enoon]

without having any personal experience to build on I can hardly make any good suggestions for this. However I would like to remark that in light of the all the success MAPS is having with helping people with PTSD using MDMA that perhaps this substance could also serve for a situation like this, pre or post death.

Much love and strength to you, my friend!

 

[Jin]

Vodsel very sorry to hear this , when it comes to these moments i have no words to offer , sending you some psychic hugs , just be strong and spend whatever time you can with your father

 

[Ufostrahlen]

What a crazy picture. This monk is certainly not afraid of death.:surprised

My suggestion: if he likes psychedelics, get him some. If he's not that type of person then buy him a book: http://www.lifebeyonddeath.net/buy-paperback

 

[Vodsel]

Enoon, jin, thank you very much for the support. Ufostrahlen - sadly my dad is not really aware of what's happening to him, mostly due to the effects of tumors in his brain. I wish I could give him a book to read but he barely manages to talk and understand what people say. Thank you for your suggestion anyways.

And EtV... I figure there's good will when you share that as a reminder, but showing that picture to someone unable to understand what's happening to him would be pointless and aggressive, and showing it to the relatives dealing helplessly with the cancer eating him would be cruel. That's why I was asking for tools for mourning, not for super-human statements about death.

 

[Ambivalent]

you are a strong character Vodsel and have a bright star shine upon you, it is clearly visible through your posts full with wisdom.

your parents should be proud !

my family has been struck with similar problem. and my personal experience with this situation is that being with them as much as possible, and re living the good and bad moment's in our past is sometimes the best mourning tool . these moments are the deepest and most connecting i think .


my heart is with you friend

 

[Ufostrahlen]

Ufostrahlen - sadly my dad is not really aware of what's happening to him, mostly due to the effects of tumors in his brain. I wish I could give him a book to read but he barely manages to talk and understand what people say. Thank you for your suggestion anyways.

Man, that's bad. Maybe your dad is more lucky than you, if he isn't really aware of his state. I hope you will be alright, I know it's hard when relatives are at the brink of death. If I were you, I'd take a meaningful trip in order to gain insight of why stuff is happening. Not sure if that's a good idea for you, but for me being sometimes at the edge, a good trip takes away negative thoughts and calms my mind.

I wish you and your family all the best.

 

[iracema]

well V.
when you told me that some days ago, I gave my piece of condolence.
now that you ask for pragmatic advice, I do have a personal experience to share.
when my grandpa passed, my father did obsessive work on that matter, hoping to make the event more tolerable for the family.
first he insisted that grandpa was in fact each one of us, that he would live on through us.
later, he asked that each one talk about, and place permanently anywhere in his house, something grandpa gifted personally, that was kept as a valuable souvenir.
mine was a wood whistle, he told me it was made to call the wind, so I placed aside the window.
that would be totems so his spirit can idetify his home, feel confortable and loved.
and a place for us to feel his presence when we miss him.
you could arrange something like that, in your way.

 

[Jin]

my personal experience with this situation is that being with them as much as possible, and re living the good and bad moment's in our past is sometimes the best mourning tool . these moments are the deepest and most connecting i think .


my heart is with you friend

i also believe that spending as much time as you can with your father is the best thing to do , love him and shower your affection , thats all one can really do at these times ,

be strong and let love guide you in these times

 

[Aegle]

Vodsel

My heart goes out to you and your family as loosing a loved one is truly one of the most difficult experiences in life. I have found from my own personal struggles of coping with death and impermanence that some of the best tools I have encountered is ritual, travel and therapy through crystal MDMA.

Reading the Tibetan book of the dead with my family after a loved ones death each evening brought us all closer together and help us cope with their passing in a productive and positive way. Traveling to India and observing other cultures rituals with death brought an innate inner strength and awareness within me. I have found invaluable insights through therapeutic journeys with MDMA concerning impermanence and the transference of consciousness and I would personally highly recommend MDMA therapy as a powerful tool.

I'm sending you and your family warm regards during this difficult time...


Much Peace and Compassion

 

[Vodsel]

Thank you everyone, much appreciated. Really. When you are in the situation of losing someone, you realize how small signs of support are welcome. We've all felt somewhat irrelevant when giving our condolences, or our good wishes when there's nothing else we can do, but wishes do help.

My wife and I just came back after visiting him. He won't be there for long. There's nothing that can be done but keeping him from suffering. He's mostly half asleep and suffers from delirium, long apneas make you look for any little pumping vessel in his neck. He's receiving morphine and haloperidol, but a little part of him is still there. His face suddenly lit up when we came close to him and he could see us. Even if the spark faded away in a few seconds, seeing love slice through a wall that thick was beautiful.

 

[Tranquil]

It was beautiful when he brightened up at seeing us and smiling.

It is a moment I will not forget, and will cherish always.

You can really feel the love of your family, and from your father.

I cannot say enough how much he will be missed. I know you know.....

 

[Vodsel]

Thank you, EtV

All and all, I'm starting to lose my initial reluctance to the use of deep meditation and psychs these weeks. I was unsure about finding there the balance and presence I need, not only for dealing with my father's death, but also with all the family turmoil lurking afterwards... but I don't think I'm afraid to dive in anymore, and come the moment, I will.

 

[gaiaphile]

pharma, so i could "stay in the shallow end" and "maintain control". it helped me to see what was happening. i saw beauty.

 

[Vodsel]

^ I think I will do that this weekend.

He died last monday, a few hours after the doctors warned it was imminent. He seemed to wait until after his two sons arrived and could give him a private goodbye.

So far, the best therapy was speaking at his funeral. I know people liked what I said (although I don't remember much) and I know he would have preferred me to a priest anyways.

 

[Bill Cipher]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[Kobranek]

I'm sorry for your loss Vodsel,

Condolences to your family as well. These are some of the hardest times of our lives and it is really beautiful how we can all come together as one. There are some really nice things that others have said. We are all in this together as we are in the same boat despite whatever we think happens after this life. I wish I could provide other ideas than what hasn't already been said but there is no easy way around this than being there for family because that is what it is all about for me, family.