Delusion, Courage or ignorance?

[kartemis]

Hello there
For years, particularly the past 4 I have wanted to drink Ayahuasca - but I have never been able to get past myself to save and organise and go overseas to drink 'properly' in a ceremony in Brazil or Peru... I was told in no uncertain terms by a girl I knew that this was the only way to do it - that or more locally at a retreat here in Europe. Finally I spose the tension and unfathomable want to take this drink coupled with an impossible financial/ability to go anywhere set of issues, has prompted me to buy some and have it shipped to my home. All the advice is to not do this, all the advice is to not proceed alone. But what about when you've led a life that lands me here - alone? What if I've always been alone in my life anyway? I've never married or had a long term relationship; my best friends live overseas - there simply is no friend around anymore and I can't ask my sister who would freak out completely if I were to freak out badly.
All this to say, I believe I'm not being disrespectful and arrogant and too bone-head thick to avoid danger; I think I'm responding to a call, to my curiosity, to my desire to see and learn what will help me and give me strength to move past these blocks in my life that have me stuck. Is that just delusion do you think? I say I don't think I'm any better or worse than any other seeker and am honestly asking for a trip to show me the awful, sure, but hopefully a way to unlock some energy and work in my own interest, finally.
What do you think? I realise I'm just looking for someone to say "oh go on - nothing bad will happen to you, nevermind the horror stories, if it's for you, it'll be safe" ! So, I am willing to take your advice and act on that in case I'm a big head who think I can do whatever I want and still be protected. Thanks very much for your guidance.

 

[DmnStr8]

This is only a personal recommendation. I say try freebase or changa before diving into the ayahuasca. If you are set on the aya, find a competent sitter before.

None of these psychedelics are going to fix your life and make you less lonely. Work on going out and making some friends if that is what you want. Learn to cultivate relationships. It sounds like you want this for yourself. It just takes some practice. Be friends with those who accept you for who you are. Enable for this to happen you need to be yourself 100%.

Take your time with this whole thing. Plan it out and start working on yourself now. I think you may find your preparation will teach you much about yourself.

What is your prior experience with psychedelics?

 

[Sabnock1990]

There is absolutely no reason to have to go anywhere to take Aya, all you need are the plants, then you make it and take it. Probably should have a sitter, but a shaman isn't necessary.

Aya was my first Psychedelic/Entheogen, and i took it on my own (by myself) from the get go, daily/near daily for 4 years, i turned out just fine and it was a very magical/amazing time in my life.

You can indeed use Entheogens on your own, all you need is yourself and the plants, then to pay attention and learn.

 

[Sabnock1990]

You can also try checking out some Lemon Balm, 4 grams of dried Lemon Balm leaf made into a tea and consumed with the Aya will help reduce anxiety/panic/fear and reduce the intensity, smooths things out, great for beginners.

 

[Lowtones]

I agree with DmnStr8 that it's good to take your time getting into this. Also that aya by itself won't fix anything, though it can be a helpful component in healing. I also agree with ShamensStamen that a sitter is a good idea, and also that a shaman isn't necessary.

I understand why some people will want to vape or do changa first. I did aya first, and still prefer it. I had one really difficult voyage that I wish I had someone around for, but that was also my best/most meaningful experience. Doing it at home or somewhere else close and comfortable I think is the best way. I don't think, personally, going to the Amazon is the best idea because then you're not in your environment. How can you really work on things in your life if your experience takes place somewhere that you never inhabit?

I would recommend having a sitter/someone you trust at least in the same house. Someone who is mostly going to leave you alone, but can be called on for help/just to talk if need be. If you're careful and really research food and drug interactions you will be safe, but there may be points where you don't think you are. But don't rush into this, find your intent and be very specific and safe.

 

[Kable]

I did aya alone my first time. It went great!

 

[boots]

Boots has never done ayahausca, but he has tread into some very strange & powerful experiences with other things.

Given what you are saying about your perceptual aloneness, kartemis, it seems to boots that such a mindset is a dangerous one to enter into a totally new & potentially powerful psychedelic experience with. That's not to say that you couldn't do it alone & wouldn't come out of it totally fine

It's just that being alone can be a kind of darkness no one should have to face alone, boots knows what it is like to be alone all too well.

Stay safe in your travels friend, a good trip sitter can be worth the price. Certainly cheaper than having to travel, right?

 

[boots]

sorry for the double post, boots' browser hiccuped.

 

[kartemis]

Thanks so much! To you all, this is really generous.. It makes what you are saying about reaching out to people (IRL) so obvious.. a feel good factor anyway. A reminder nobody is going to bite my head off out there in friendship land...
I thought about what you were saying all day yesterday, coupled with a line on the welcome page about 'a good prep for taking psychedelics is to be living right...' I am questioning if I'm just being impatient here. I've tried so many other modalities though, psychoanalysis, psychotherapy, counselling, 12 Steps, CBT, over the last 10 years, but I've fallen down on follow-through I spose. I just want to learn something now that actually hits home - or at least lands in my head or my heart and gives me some energy to persevere with change...

And I guess maybe my experience can add something for someone on dmt-nexus if nothing else. At least I'm thinking about others for once!

So I will continue with the dieta and see if the brew even gets here! Go source some lemon balm, go meditate on speaking with my sister about it all..At least making an effort to clear out the shyte eating habits and rotten junk food is a way to see just how ready I am to do some difficult work eh?

Thanks so much for the replies, a good lesson in a bit of kindness and generosity.
ck

 

[dragonrider]

I think you can safely do ayahuasca on your own. Just start with a low or moderate dose. Something like 50 grams of vine and 50 grams of chacruna is pretty manageable. Maybe a little more of the vine to make sure you have full MAO inhibition.

That is not more extreme than a good dose of any other psychedelic. Say somewhere in between 200 and 250 microgram of LSD, or somewhere around 3 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis.

 

[kartemis]

Thanks again
Dragonrider - I didn't make it myself... maybe a wrong turn, I ordered it. I'm told it's 250ml x2 strength, he said it reduced it. So I don't know what grammes per plant were used unfortunately, and how to translate what I'm getting into a dose in fluid oz or ml - I'm just following what the guy told me - try 40ml, and add more if nothing..

Do you have any thoughts on it? Maybe it's impossible when you're taking the risk of getting it premade...

I also wondered - at the retreats I read they do three ceremonies in a row - is that advisable do you reckon, here at home? I noticed how a lot of people who talk about it say they didn't want to go the second night but were convinced into it. Just worry about that after I do it I spose.

All the best..
k

 

[Lowtones]

I did it two nights in a row the first time I ventured in. The first night was a very low dose, and mostly just pleasant and interesting with some introspection and CEV. The second night rocked my world. I think it's because I reduced it more the second night, and while I didn't take much more, it entered my body much more quickly.

There was no way I was about to go back the next night after that. I have worked with it a couple of times since, though :thumb_up:

 

[dragonrider]

Thanks again
Dragonrider - I didn't make it myself... maybe a wrong turn, I ordered it. I'm told it's 250ml x2 strength, he said it reduced it. So I don't know what grammes per plant were used unfortunately, and how to translate what I'm getting into a dose in fluid oz or ml - I'm just following what the guy told me - try 40ml, and add more if nothing..

Do you have any thoughts on it? Maybe it's impossible when you're taking the risk of getting it premade...

I also wondered - at the retreats I read they do three ceremonies in a row - is that advisable do you reckon, here at home? I noticed how a lot of people who talk about it say they didn't want to go the second night but were convinced into it. Just worry about that after I do it I spose.

All the best..
k

Yeah, if you have no idea how strong it is and you're not a chemist, you can only find out by testing it. And starting low, ofcourse.

But first i would realy try to contact the vendor and ask about the strength of what you've got. If he doesn't know or doesn't want to bother answering your question, then don't order from that company again.

A good vendor should know, and he should be willing to answer such a basic question about his product.

 

[eel]

I did Aya this weekend, in a ceremonial space, i would recommend finding a Shaman nearby you, there will be one, i had the most amazing ceremony and i am in South Africa, not in South America, my shaman held the space beautifully and i feel a bit reborn after it, you must be very careful which Shaman you choose, choose one that is humble and doesn't act superior to you or boast his/her shamanism. I am so happy i choose to do in a ceremonial space, especially with the purge, this would have been a lot harder i feel on my own, there is something very special about the ceremonial space, it is in my opinion the best setting for psychedelics. I also recommend starting with changa if you want to take it at home. Save Aya for a ceremony.

 

[kartemis]

Well, last night I drank, so am feeling a little shaky today. I must say that I didn't manage to stick rigidly to the dieta, though I had gotten rid of most nasties, and I just wouldn't let go of smoking cigarettes and I know NOW why I can't expect to get through this with a toxic body. But anyway, each day I fell down on one aspect or other, so I just didn't eat anything yesterday. All that to say, whatever I describe is, I'm sure, affected by all the junk in my system.
I did laugh and I did say alot how I was grateful for the healing - because that is what it felt like much of the time - positive and something(s) at work in various parts of me. I felt like this was amazing - to be given such healthful, positive something just because I asked... and some introspection, things about my parents.. much crying and insisting I was sorry for what I'd done to myself, and wailing out about 'yes and how is sorry going to help' - ah alot of things, I'm sure you can understand it's impossible to describe.
But I also was utterly petrified at times; I kept coming out with things like, "yes, it's true I am afraid but I asked for this and I am ready"... or - just in the midst of being grabbed by an intense sense of fear/dread - I'd say "yes but I am loved and I am all light, I know I'm loved "...I dunno was that me trying to be brave or me intent on bypassing what was laid on for me? So I'm not sure if I was the boy whistling in the dark to convince himself he isn't afraid, and thereby 'stopping' the full trip, or if I was just standing up to some darker things I saw and sensations I had, telling them to leave me, leave my body, and such like.
I felt nauseous throughout, but no vomiting (at one point I was sure a worm/other? would come out my mouth if I went to vomit and I felt just as sure that I couldn't take it... so I just asked not to??) I felt like I was ready for 'the other purge' a few times, but really the one time wasn't bad. NOT purging was more painful I think....
So I'm back here with much the same question really? Feeling like I could go on, feeling like I've started now, I'm clearer now and can drink again tonight. ALSO feeling like whatever fear I tried to bypass and convince it away or at least convince myself all would be well, might just rise up and end me. ! I'm not feeling an intuition on what to do really? 1st things 1st is to go out and enjoy a walk - Ireland suddenly brightened up, it's a cold sunny November day and I'll do my best to stay open to answers on what I should do this evening... Many thanks.