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Depersonalization

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TeaDaze

TeaDaze

truth is a pathless land
For a long time I have enjoyed DMT on sub-breakthroughs at around 25-30mg. I pushed higher a few times hoping to break through but instead had pretty negative experiences that scared me away from continuing those attempts. So, I kept with the old dosage, which was okay with me since what I experienced at my regular dose would still blow me away. Most of these experiences were also while coming down from LSD trips which I know factors into the intensity as well as possibly interfering with my ability to break through. These experiences were so intense that I felt convinced that I was being gifted a view into divine realms, that this existence was a small fraction of what was beyond, and that entities were communicating to me knowledge that I simply could not comprehend. Priceless stuff. A few times I was also gifted with an intense sensation that Earth, Gaia- or whatever you want to call it- was literally my birth mother. It gave me a wonderful new emotional perspective on protecting the planet that gives us all life.

My ability to have these experiences has nearly entirely disappeared now. It may be from overuse, tolerance, or perhaps something else out there has decided I have seen enough. I posted on the Nexus a while ago about burning DMT in my GVG, but I am now quite sure nothing was wrong with the GVG setup or how I was vaporizing it. Where DMT takes me now is just different.

I may be misinterpreting this, and this is the reason for my post, but I almost feel like I'm being invited to leave my body, or that this is what my consciousness now wants to do on DMT. I have had several new sensations around my regular dosage that leave me feeling like I am hovering outside my body as an observer. Although I am in control of my body, it disturbingly feels like the body is not mine. The first time this happened I actually saw and felt my hands vanishing into something else, like another dimension or something that didn't belong in reality. It very much feels like I am disconnecting from my body and I have to wonder if pushing the dose up now would completely send me off to another place or just produce an even more uncomfortable sensation of depersonalization.

It's kind of silly. I know most people here understand the fears despite the fact that these experiences are so short. I can't help but scare myself away from loading up 40mg and seeing what happens.

I'm curious if anyone else here has had these sensations and what they meant to you. I don't know if I should put the DMT away for a while or try loading up a larger than typical dose.
 
Admittedly, i thought this thread would be about something slightly different as most people refer to negative denationalization (hppd/psychotic symptoms) when using that word. DMT experiences have an ability to be diverse and sometimes can change their nature entirely and even stop working on a person (known as the shutout). So, don't be surprised if your DMT experiences vary, especially because you were combining it with LSD. My only advice is that if you feel the experience is pulling you in a certain direction, then just go with it and don't try and make it in to something you want it to be, although within reason (ie you have to know when to try and relax and let go). Let it show you rather than you make it show you.

However, the thing that is in your control is in the dosage. You mentioned that you found the denationalization "uncomfortable", in reference to your hands blending in to another reality. Why does this scare you? Are you afraid you will lose your sense of self? Your sanity? And for the record, once you go beyond the trip level you describe, for many it seems the experience changes dramatically, to the point where you may not even be worried about losing your hands in another reality anymore because you have entered in to something else completely and have no recollection of what "normal" is. It is a gamble though, i feel your uncertainty about it. It is kind of like pushing the button labelled "surprise" and not knowing what you will get. My only advice is to read up on here about some breakthrough experiences and see if that "entices" you in to "throwing caution to the wind" in a manner of phrasing. From my experience, most people can tolerate coming back from a breakthrough and integrating it ok minus some confusion and intense introspection on the matter but I have read a few threads of severe difficulty, exaggerating anxiety disorder, psychosis, potential for ptsd and that sort of thing. Although, since you say you can tolerate moderate doses so far I would say you are somewhat equipped at dealing with the utter uncertainty these experiences bring. Hope that helps 😉
 
fathomlessness said:
Admittedly, i thought this thread would be about something slightly different as most people refer to negative denationalization (hppd/psychotic symptoms) when using that word. DMT experiences have an ability to be diverse and sometimes can change their nature entirely and even stop working on a person (known as the shutout). So, don't be surprised if your DMT experiences vary, especially because you were combining it with LSD. My only advice is that if you feel the experience is pulling you in a certain direction, then just go with it and don't try and make it in to something you want it to be, although within reason (ie you have to know when to try and relax and let go). Let it show you rather than you make it show you.

However, the thing that is in your control is in the dosage. You mentioned that you found the denationalization "uncomfortable", in reference to your hands blending in to another reality. Why does this scare you? Are you afraid you will lose your sense of self? Your sanity? And for the record, once you go beyond the trip level you describe, for many it seems the experience changes dramatically, to the point where you may not even be worried about losing your hands in another reality anymore because you have entered in to something else completely and have no recollection of what "normal" is. It is a gamble though, i feel your uncertainty about it. It is kind of like pushing the button labelled "surprise" and not knowing what you will get. My only advice is to read up on here about some breakthrough experiences and see if that "entices" you in to "throwing caution to the wind" in a manner of phrasing. From my experience, most people can tolerate coming back from a breakthrough and integrating it ok minus some confusion and intense introspection on the matter but I have read a few threads of severe difficulty, exaggerating anxiety disorder, psychosis, potential for ptsd and that sort of thing. Although, since you say you can tolerate moderate doses so far I would say you are somewhat equipped at dealing with the utter uncertainty these experiences bring. Hope that helps 😉
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I assume auto-correct was changing depersonalization to denationalization in your response. I've probably undergone some form of denationalization as well with my psychedelic use but that's a different topic :p

You make some good points. The fact that DMT no longer shows me the same thing anymore is an interesting subject altogether. I have gone into many DMT trips subconsciously hoping for something similar to what I've seen in the past. Only once I am back in DMT space do I realize I was trying to recreate an old experience. Somehow my expectation for the experience becomes crystal clear once there and I feel like the spice is giggling at me. "Surprise! We're doing something different this time!"

I guess what holds me back from diving into another higher dose are the memories of each time I either intentionally or accidentally took a higher dose. They've all produced confusing and uncomfortable bodily sensations from feeling like my hands are vanishing into another dimension, to feeling like my teeth are coming apart, or having intense synesthesia. None of it was all that bad though, in retrospect. I've seen and felt crazy things and I'm just fine. In fact, I'm glad I had all those experiences. Like you said, I think I can handle the uncertainty. Maybe I should set my sights on 35mg and see what happens.

Thanks for your response. It does help.

BTW, I like your comment about pushing a button labeled "surprise." I have often felt like my intense experiences started very much like turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box. Some crazy clownish geometric thing always seemed be explode out and bounce around to greet me. I miss it :)
 
Depersonalization is your brain's response for traumatic experiences. It helps you not to freak out in those cases. I think that if taking DMT causes you depersonalization, that's because you it makes you anxious. You might think that you don't have anxiety, but from my experience I can tell you that anxiety is not always very evident. In my opinion you can do two things:

1. Let go. It is very easy to say it, but very difficult to put it into practice. Your depersonalization symtoms are just in your head. Don't try to rationalize them. They are just sensations. If you don't pay atenttion to them they won't be there. Also pay atenttion to your muscles. Are they tense? If so, relax them. That works for me when I have derealization (it is very similar to depersonalization).

2. Stay away from DMT for a while. Try to integrate past experiences if you have to and do other stuff instead of taking drugs. After some time, when you feel you can, take DMT again and you will probably enjoy it again.
 
Thanks for the response cookiejoe. I'll be going with option number two. I've decided to put all psychedelics aside for a while.

I had a go at 35mg last night and.... nothing special. The CEV's that formed were pretty typical of what I see now, which is very low on the DMT scale of intensity. They were just the pre/post show entertainment before/after the main act, except that the main act was missing. Back in the early days of my exploration of DMT I would usually have several sessions in one evening. The last session would always be vastly different and plain in comparison to the others. They would be my message to give it a rest and come back another time. I realized last night that all my experiences now have become just like those last ones.

Although this experience was plain it was very heavy in thought and emotion. I had the same disembodied/depersonalized sensation I described earlier and felt so apologetic to myself for to continuing to push this. I had to reassure myself that this was my body even though it didn't feel like it in the moment. I literally kissed my hands in appreciation and love for having this body to exist in. Under my eyelids I spoke out to the missing things/entities I used to see and said that I missed them and wished they would visit again. Hopefully they do some day.

Anyway, like I said, it's time to take a break. I've had at least 100 intense journeys and that is conservative considering the amount of DMT I have gone through. There is nothing tragic or sad about this. DMT has changed my life for the better regardless of whether or not it has more to show me.

I also came across this post here at the nexus which helped me make the decision. The OP Glossolalia's experience is very similar to my own. I need to give it a rest. I'm so glad that the nexus exists to share these types of experiences. Thanks y'all :)
 
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