Crazyhorse
Wide eyed and hopeful
- Merits
- 42
So, I guess I'll start with a little background for those who haven't been following my story up to this point. After a very long break from psychs, I've been experimenting occasionaly with mushrooms again in the last year, and with DMT for about the last 4 months. I can't say I've ever had the kind of full immersion in hyperspace that people here talk about, but I've had a few pretty intense experiences with it anyway, and even the lower level ones were very enjoyable.
I've tried various vaporizing devices and methods, and I think the problem I've had with some of my attempts is that until pretty recently I didn't really understand how tolerance works with DMT. After trying the "3 back to back hits" a few times with a machine-ish device I made, and basically only getting threshold effects, I got the idea to load up several doses at once sandwich-stle, and smoke it similar to smoking weed, just taking occasional hits over the course of an hour or so. The idea was that by raising my "baseline" first, maybe doing the 3-4 big hits in a row at the end of that would take me farther. Unfortunately it doesn't seem possible to break through that way, at least not without an MAOI. You reach a sort of plateau pretty quickly, and taking more from there pretty much just maintains it. I actually felt like I got a lot out of these sessions, but it's mainly just a good feeling, like a big comforting hug from the universe. While I enjoy it a lot I never really got any visuals from it that way.
So anyway, after doing more research on how tolerance works and ways to potentiate the experience, I decided to use the Caapi that I had bought awhile back to make a tea, and also to try smoalking my spice the way that Ice House recommends HERE. And I also made some enhanced leaf to put on top of the spice, rather than using bud. I had some problems with my tea, mainly because I didn't know any better when I bought my caapi and got powdered rather than shredded, but eventually ended up with something that seemed drinkable. The neighbors on the other half of the duplex where I live were supposed to be moved out by the end of Sept, so I planned my journey for the 1st of October, figuring nobody would be around and it would be nice and peaceful for once (the neighbors are loud and full of drama.)
I took some time off work to prepare and restricted my diet to salad, eggs, bread, and tea for a few days prior, tried to get my setting ready and waited for the neighbors to leave... but they'd put off all the work until the last minute and by the time I was ready to start, they were still in the middle of moving, so that was very distracting. Their moving truck was backed up right outside my living room window, literally a few feet from where I was sitting. Not the best circumstances for trying to get outside yourself. I'd compare it to something like trying to meditate in a construction zone. I probably should have just waited until another time, but I'd already been on the MAOI diet and did all this preperation, and took several days off that I can't really afford, So I just decided to go with it anyway. Also things were quiet for a pretty long while before I started so I was hopeful it would be ok to sneak away from this reality for a bit.
Prior to the DMT I decided to spend a few hours watching some movies on a low dose of shrooms, hoping to get myself into the right mindset and reduce the "pre-flight anxiety" I had been feeling for a day or more. That part was good, I put in one of my favorite funny movies on the way up (Kung Pow), figuring that laughter was bound to be a good "set" for approaching hyperspace. After that I put on The Dark Crystal, because besides being a visual masterpiece, I always find a lot of deeper meanings in the story as well. To me it's a movie about a person's inner quest to heal themselves, overcoming the fear and hatred of the reptilian brain and years of negative conditioning with love and courage, in order to find true wisdom and peace.
I felt like that brought me to a pretty good place, so I put on my Tool playlist through Milkdrop, and started drinking my caapi brew. After about 30-45 minutes I felt like it might be doing something, but it was hard to be sure on top of the mushrooms. I think it might have boosted their effects, which had been starting to wear off. So I went ahead and started hitting a large bong loaded with a layer of elf spice underneath some enhanced leaf I made by infusing 1G. of P. Viridis leaves with 1/2G. of jungle spice (all I had left), using an everclear based cannabis tincture for the solvent.
And so of course right about there is when the noise outside started up again, pulling me back to my awareness of the real world every time I'd start to finally let it all go. People that have been there always say that once you've broken through, you won't have any doubt about whether you did it or not. If that's the case, I still don't think I've been all the way, but this time I got my first really strong closed eye visuals, and believe I've finally at least seen the doorway. I still had control enough of my body that I think I could have hit the bong one more time and actually opened the door, but with all the stuff going on outside at that moment I just didn't feel like it was the right time, and frankly, I got a little scared. And also the place I was at was already SO intense and beautiful I felt like it was almost ungrateful and greedy for me to want more. So I just waited to see what it would show me.
It would be hopeless to try and describe the peak of the experience in much detail, but I think it lasted for about the duration of the song Reflection (which was perfect). I really don't know what to say about the visuals except that even with my eyes closed in a darkened room, it seemed just like I was in full daylight. The colors and patterns I saw were much more abstract and simple than I expected based on reading about other people's experiences (plus knowing my own very elaborate, visual imagination), and I think a lot of the important stuff that was going on for me was on a more emotional level than visual. I felt intense grattitude to be there at all, and believe I was saying "thank you" out loud repeatedly, as well as "I'm sorry", for all my doubts and fears and failures, and not yet being ready to just let it all go and trust the universe to keep me safe. I'd like to think there was forgiveness and understanding for me there as well, and I know that I can go back whenever I feel ready to ring that doorbell again. Part of the message I was left with was that this place is always there, just waiting for me to give it my full attention, and there's no need to approach it with as much anxiety as I have been.
When those effects faded, the feeling that was left was very much like what I experience on about 4 grams of mushrooms, and I'm not sure if it was the caapi potentiating the remaining effects of the small dose of them I'd had about 5 hours before, or if it was the caapi/DMT effect itself. Unfortunately at about this point I gave in to my ego and fell into a short bout of paranoia, which is pretty much normal for me on a heavy trip of any kind. So I did what I could to make myself feel better without freaking out excessively, then on my way down got involved in sketching out designs and brainstorming ideas for an art project I've just been commissioned to do. That went really really well, I had an awesome idea for how to approach it that I might not have come up with in a more normal state of mind, and feel like that alone was worth the whole ordeal. After an hour or two of that, I made myself a nice steak and shrimp dinner, which was really great after day or two of restricted eating. Then I crawled into bed and slept really well for about 12 hours. Sometimes I have particularly vivid dreams after having DMT, but this time if I did, I can't remember them.
So as far as integrating the experience, I got several important things out of this, beyond just briefly making contact with the "holy moment" (which I think I was needing pretty badly). For one thing I really need to get serious about meditation. One of the things that came to me in my struggle to let go of my "self", was the realization that this is something I can basically practice, any time I want, and it will help make these more intense experiences less of a struggle the more comfortable I am with emptying my mind of whatever current real world issues might be distracting me. I used to practice it a lot, but I've been let it slide for a pretty long time now and this was a good reminder of how helpful it is. Also, at least for now I need to stop trying to do my "breakthrough" experiences at home. People say your setting should be someplace you feel comfortable, so home seems like it should make sense. But for various reasons, in my case I don't really feel very safe there when I'm tripping, and am surrounded by things that only reinforce my ego-clinging real life baggage, triggering mundane thoughts about whether all the bills are paid, and that I ought to clean up the kitchen and such. Before I do something like this again, I need to find a safe place away from home where I can go, preferably outdoors. I don't think I'll be able to let go completely otherwise, even without the noisy neighbors. So my next journey (which probably won't be very soon) may be something more like a camping trip. I just need to figure out where to go.
Overall I feel like it was a very positive experience, in spite of the bad timing, and possibly even a necessary step I needed to go through to help prepare the way before venturing deeper into hyperspace. I'm reaching middle age, and by now my "Self" has a very strong grip, as much as I truly want to be able to release it, even for just a minute or two. Easing my way into it gradually (as I have been) seems like it might be the best way for me. It's always a learning experience and I'm sure more insights will come to me as I consider it more during the coming days and weeks.
I've tried various vaporizing devices and methods, and I think the problem I've had with some of my attempts is that until pretty recently I didn't really understand how tolerance works with DMT. After trying the "3 back to back hits" a few times with a machine-ish device I made, and basically only getting threshold effects, I got the idea to load up several doses at once sandwich-stle, and smoke it similar to smoking weed, just taking occasional hits over the course of an hour or so. The idea was that by raising my "baseline" first, maybe doing the 3-4 big hits in a row at the end of that would take me farther. Unfortunately it doesn't seem possible to break through that way, at least not without an MAOI. You reach a sort of plateau pretty quickly, and taking more from there pretty much just maintains it. I actually felt like I got a lot out of these sessions, but it's mainly just a good feeling, like a big comforting hug from the universe. While I enjoy it a lot I never really got any visuals from it that way.
So anyway, after doing more research on how tolerance works and ways to potentiate the experience, I decided to use the Caapi that I had bought awhile back to make a tea, and also to try smoalking my spice the way that Ice House recommends HERE. And I also made some enhanced leaf to put on top of the spice, rather than using bud. I had some problems with my tea, mainly because I didn't know any better when I bought my caapi and got powdered rather than shredded, but eventually ended up with something that seemed drinkable. The neighbors on the other half of the duplex where I live were supposed to be moved out by the end of Sept, so I planned my journey for the 1st of October, figuring nobody would be around and it would be nice and peaceful for once (the neighbors are loud and full of drama.)
I took some time off work to prepare and restricted my diet to salad, eggs, bread, and tea for a few days prior, tried to get my setting ready and waited for the neighbors to leave... but they'd put off all the work until the last minute and by the time I was ready to start, they were still in the middle of moving, so that was very distracting. Their moving truck was backed up right outside my living room window, literally a few feet from where I was sitting. Not the best circumstances for trying to get outside yourself. I'd compare it to something like trying to meditate in a construction zone. I probably should have just waited until another time, but I'd already been on the MAOI diet and did all this preperation, and took several days off that I can't really afford, So I just decided to go with it anyway. Also things were quiet for a pretty long while before I started so I was hopeful it would be ok to sneak away from this reality for a bit.
Prior to the DMT I decided to spend a few hours watching some movies on a low dose of shrooms, hoping to get myself into the right mindset and reduce the "pre-flight anxiety" I had been feeling for a day or more. That part was good, I put in one of my favorite funny movies on the way up (Kung Pow), figuring that laughter was bound to be a good "set" for approaching hyperspace. After that I put on The Dark Crystal, because besides being a visual masterpiece, I always find a lot of deeper meanings in the story as well. To me it's a movie about a person's inner quest to heal themselves, overcoming the fear and hatred of the reptilian brain and years of negative conditioning with love and courage, in order to find true wisdom and peace.
I felt like that brought me to a pretty good place, so I put on my Tool playlist through Milkdrop, and started drinking my caapi brew. After about 30-45 minutes I felt like it might be doing something, but it was hard to be sure on top of the mushrooms. I think it might have boosted their effects, which had been starting to wear off. So I went ahead and started hitting a large bong loaded with a layer of elf spice underneath some enhanced leaf I made by infusing 1G. of P. Viridis leaves with 1/2G. of jungle spice (all I had left), using an everclear based cannabis tincture for the solvent.
And so of course right about there is when the noise outside started up again, pulling me back to my awareness of the real world every time I'd start to finally let it all go. People that have been there always say that once you've broken through, you won't have any doubt about whether you did it or not. If that's the case, I still don't think I've been all the way, but this time I got my first really strong closed eye visuals, and believe I've finally at least seen the doorway. I still had control enough of my body that I think I could have hit the bong one more time and actually opened the door, but with all the stuff going on outside at that moment I just didn't feel like it was the right time, and frankly, I got a little scared. And also the place I was at was already SO intense and beautiful I felt like it was almost ungrateful and greedy for me to want more. So I just waited to see what it would show me.
It would be hopeless to try and describe the peak of the experience in much detail, but I think it lasted for about the duration of the song Reflection (which was perfect). I really don't know what to say about the visuals except that even with my eyes closed in a darkened room, it seemed just like I was in full daylight. The colors and patterns I saw were much more abstract and simple than I expected based on reading about other people's experiences (plus knowing my own very elaborate, visual imagination), and I think a lot of the important stuff that was going on for me was on a more emotional level than visual. I felt intense grattitude to be there at all, and believe I was saying "thank you" out loud repeatedly, as well as "I'm sorry", for all my doubts and fears and failures, and not yet being ready to just let it all go and trust the universe to keep me safe. I'd like to think there was forgiveness and understanding for me there as well, and I know that I can go back whenever I feel ready to ring that doorbell again. Part of the message I was left with was that this place is always there, just waiting for me to give it my full attention, and there's no need to approach it with as much anxiety as I have been.
When those effects faded, the feeling that was left was very much like what I experience on about 4 grams of mushrooms, and I'm not sure if it was the caapi potentiating the remaining effects of the small dose of them I'd had about 5 hours before, or if it was the caapi/DMT effect itself. Unfortunately at about this point I gave in to my ego and fell into a short bout of paranoia, which is pretty much normal for me on a heavy trip of any kind. So I did what I could to make myself feel better without freaking out excessively, then on my way down got involved in sketching out designs and brainstorming ideas for an art project I've just been commissioned to do. That went really really well, I had an awesome idea for how to approach it that I might not have come up with in a more normal state of mind, and feel like that alone was worth the whole ordeal. After an hour or two of that, I made myself a nice steak and shrimp dinner, which was really great after day or two of restricted eating. Then I crawled into bed and slept really well for about 12 hours. Sometimes I have particularly vivid dreams after having DMT, but this time if I did, I can't remember them.
So as far as integrating the experience, I got several important things out of this, beyond just briefly making contact with the "holy moment" (which I think I was needing pretty badly). For one thing I really need to get serious about meditation. One of the things that came to me in my struggle to let go of my "self", was the realization that this is something I can basically practice, any time I want, and it will help make these more intense experiences less of a struggle the more comfortable I am with emptying my mind of whatever current real world issues might be distracting me. I used to practice it a lot, but I've been let it slide for a pretty long time now and this was a good reminder of how helpful it is. Also, at least for now I need to stop trying to do my "breakthrough" experiences at home. People say your setting should be someplace you feel comfortable, so home seems like it should make sense. But for various reasons, in my case I don't really feel very safe there when I'm tripping, and am surrounded by things that only reinforce my ego-clinging real life baggage, triggering mundane thoughts about whether all the bills are paid, and that I ought to clean up the kitchen and such. Before I do something like this again, I need to find a safe place away from home where I can go, preferably outdoors. I don't think I'll be able to let go completely otherwise, even without the noisy neighbors. So my next journey (which probably won't be very soon) may be something more like a camping trip. I just need to figure out where to go.
Overall I feel like it was a very positive experience, in spite of the bad timing, and possibly even a necessary step I needed to go through to help prepare the way before venturing deeper into hyperspace. I'm reaching middle age, and by now my "Self" has a very strong grip, as much as I truly want to be able to release it, even for just a minute or two. Easing my way into it gradually (as I have been) seems like it might be the best way for me. It's always a learning experience and I'm sure more insights will come to me as I consider it more during the coming days and weeks.
