Disappointed with myself

[Baby Bonnie Hood]

I'm gonna try to keep this short because there really isn't much to tell:

Was set on smoking DMT today. I was alone at the office, looking out the window at the sunset and this feeling came to me: today is a beautiful day and today I want to smoke DMT. It felt right.

Went home, did all the preparations (far more than the first time I smoked - see my signature): Took off all jewelry, glasses, shut off the cellphone, locked door, prepared couch, cleaned my feet (because I have this OCD-thing about dirty feet - it's just uncomfortable) and started some music (relaxing Ambient). Prepared the bong and set down to meditate - which I'm really bad at being a total novice. Okay Bonnie focus on breathing.

My pulse went up and down like a rollercoaster - figurativly. Focusing on my breathing and trying to shut off thoughts (the latter which is really hard) I can easily bring it down - then opening my eyes and looking at the bong raised it back up. Same thing about just thinking about the bong and the dmt crystals. Went up to change the song because it bothered me, came back, meditated some more. I meditated for 25 minutes before I lit up. Now I was finally relaxed.

Took two tiny hits just to warm up the crystals, which melted into their oil-state. I don't know why I didn't take proper - deep - hits: something is just holding back and I don't know what it is. When I finally managed to take one proper hit, I immediatly put the bong down. Didn't get much effects except the tactile sensations and the very start of the DMT-sounds. I didn't take more because everytime I took just a little - my pulse would go up a lot like the body went into overdrive just to process the foreign chemicals.

Tbh I'm disappointed with myself. I've read and heard so much wonderful things about this drug and I feel that I'm never going to get there for the simple reason that I just loathe the onset: It's uncomfortable, unsettling and fast. I don't like it when my heart races and random uncontrollable thoughts appear, like "my tits hurt - OH is that my heart? why is it racing?" and I don't like those sounds (the long tinnitus -like "NNNNnnnngh" and the plastic crumbling). I find it borderline scary and that in itself makes me dislike myself. I'm a weak and cowardly person - no wonder I have an inferiority complex when so much of what could potentially be a good person is totally ruled by fear. There isn't much about me that I like: I'm some kind of evolutionary prototype that's too weird too live, yet too rare to die (thanks Hunter S. Thompson for that brilliant expression).

Note that this isn't a depression rant: I'm not feeling unhappy or sad - certainly not depressed. I've been depressed twice before and this is not it. This is disappointment over... I dunno? Disappointment over the fact that my spirit spawned in a weak body? I guess you could put it that way. I want to fully experience DMT, but right now I wonder if I'll ever even get close to the point where I was the first time I smoked DMT. I doubt it... too much weakness... too much fear...

 

[DoingKermit]

Hi Baby Bonnie hood

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have a really good mentality to start. Be patient... the spice isn't going anywhere and you have time on your side. The first few times i tried this amazing molecule, I too was a bit impatient. No need to be.

What smoking device do you have? I have a couple bongs that I use with changa and find it really easy to get where I want to be in a couple tokes. Loads of Nexian's swear by the GVG, which I have yet to try. I've tried the GV with great success, but not the glass version.

Be patient and the experience will come to you before you know it.

Please feel free to ask any questions. We are here to help

DK

 

[Michal_R]

...I'm disappointed with myself. I've read and heard so much wonderful things about this drug and I feel that I'm never going to get there for the simple reason that I just loathe the onset: It's uncomfortable, unsettling and fast...

I agree with DoingKermit here: you shouldn´t be "disapointed" with yourself, Baby Bonnie Hood, there is really nothing to be disapointed for. You´ll get there, sooner or later, don´t worry :thumb_up:

When I started smoking DMT, I was also a little worried about the unpleasant physical effects, but later I got used to them, and now I just accept them as unavoidable part of the experience. Later I learned how to smoke a breakthrough dose (cca 35mg) in one inhalation using my GVG. By this technique, I don´t have to worry about the unpleasant bodily effects anymore, because I´m usually "gone" before I exhale... :surprised

BTW, have you already tried oral DMT (Aya / Pharma)?

 

[anrchy]

Unfortunately there is no easy way to go about this. You really have to say F it and go for it. For some people the pre-dose anxiety is stronger and for some almost non existant. I have experienced both.

When I first started vaping DMT I had immense anxiety just exactly how you stated it. Even looking at it or visualizing hitting it made my heart jump. Many times my hands would be shaking while I loaded and dosed for other people regardless of whether I was going to dose as well! It's crazy, overwhelming, and difficult to overcome. Seriously though the only way you really can is to just say screw it and go for it.

Sucks that you dont have someone to sit for you that feels the same about DMT. I have had just as moving of an experience by myself as I have with someone sitting in though.

Give yourself time and if you can... Learn to zone out on what you are doing. Like when you find yourself staring at a wall and not thinking really. I started doing this while dosing and it helped alot. Although I have been reset and the anxiety is now just as overwhelming... hehe go fig.

Good luck!

 

[John Smith]

I get kinda the same thing... My face goes red, pulse increases twice, shaking hands, overall very strung up kinda feeling. Even though I never had a bad trip from smoking. Blaming my nervous system...:|

 

[ymer]

Just keep practicing until you get used to the feeling, after a few weeks of using I'm starting to get comfortable with the sensations and even enjoy them :want:

 

[Lil_Rainbow]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID TODAY AS WELL.

I played around with it for a while, but I got freaked when I felt like I was going to far, the body feeling is SO strong. I can handle it on other things but it scares me. Weird breating and stuff.

I am going to keep on going though. I can do it and I am sure you will get to where you want to. I am in no rush

 

[Bill Cipher]

I can only echo what everyone else is saying - don't be too hard on yourself.

What you're describing is something which I think everyone who uses DMT wrestles with to some degree. When you go big, you subject yourself to an existential annihilation for which there just is no other frame of reference, and the initial onset is unquestionably traumatic. There's just no two ways about this.

All I can say is that this is an experience which greatly rewards courage. The risks in the moment feel monumental, but the payoff can truly be life changing. Some days you'll be able to will yourself there. On others, you probably won't. But don't think for a moment the fear makes you weak. It's the only rational response.

Get yourself a drill sergeant sitter. Weigh your dose beforehand, set the intention of clearing it completely and have them coax you into doing it. You'll be gripped with that inevitable "oh shit" moment where you immediately regret having done it, but with any luck that will pass and you'll collect your well earned reward.

 

[Baby Bonnie Hood]

Thanks guys.
I'm still displeased with myself but I'm never going to give up this. I'll cultivate some shrooms, do some this summer to mentally prepare myself a little. That's the current plan at least...

 

[Lil_Rainbow]

This is a great thread guys Made me feel a heck of a lot better

 

[deadhead4eva]

Bonnie I am afraid ever time I do it. The sensation doesn't bother me so much as loss of reality does or the messages I may be sent. You wont die although you may puke the onset does it to my friend so they just don't use puking rainbows no fun. The whole experience for me is always one of astonishment and learning. You will get there don't worry I'm here for you if you need any help along the way

 

[Vodsel]

And besides mushrooms, you definitely can consider oral DMT + harmalas. Starting cautiously low, to avoid deep, long experiences if you don't want them. It can be a great way to get acquainted with the effects of DMT and to reassure yourself.

We all have been there one moment or another, one way or another. Take your time, I have the feeling you have a shining experience coming up.

 

[universecannon]

I second what vodsel said ^

and like everyone has mentioned, don't be so hard on yourself bonnie! its all good, we've all been there

something that really helps for me is doing low doses of changa during yoga and meditation to some music i love before even trying to breakthrough. it helps knock down that initial barrier of fear quite a bit

 

[Philosopher]

Your heart rate will always increase from smoking dmt. It's a physiological response but there is nothing to fear from that unless you have heart conditions. No one ever had a heart attack from dmt, that I'm aware of. You have to train your mind to respond to the heart rate in a neutral way, so that it doesn't mean danger, or fear. Increased heart rate means increased anxiety, physiologically, your adrenal glands kick in Immediatley. So we have have a flight or right response, which is. Automatically interpreted as a dangerous situation. With training your mind can become independent from your body. But you should be able to just train yourself to know that heart rate increases will happen, to everyone, it is normal, nothing is wrong.

 

[Mr.Peabody]

I've been there!! Exactly what you describe! I hate the onset, it freaks me right out. I feel like a wimp! But then, I've never been the type to do things like jump off a bridge into water, or go skydiving. I have to do things that are less immediately terrifying, like scuba diving. It's just as risky, but it's doable for me.

I've been working with DMT for over a year now, and still haven't had a "breakthrough". I had the guts once to try, but I did it at the wrong time and got my ass handed to me. Since then? No guts.

But that's cool.

One day, it'll happen.

Definitely give other methods a try, too. No two people are the same, so why should there be a cookie-cutter way to experience DMT? (There isn't!)

Oh, and about this:

Your heart rate will always increase from smoking dmt. It's a physiological response but there is nothing to fear from that unless you have heart conditions.

That's not necessarily true. One time recently, upon exhaling spice my heart slowed to almost not beating. I don't know if time itself slowed, or in regular Earth-time my heart slowed, but either way, I perceived my heart my heart rate coming to a crawl, and it did rock!

 

[○]

The initial onset with multiple tokes, can be unsettling. 'That' feeling as it grips every inch of your being and ramps up in intensity as every second goes by. It's a hard feeling to get accustomed to, but you will, to a degree, over time. Many wise words here from many. Like some have said on here, get your dose all in one hit, which, doesn't leave much room for you to think "ohh no". As soon as you exhale the smoke, reality drips away into a gyrating, wreathing fractal soup of infinite complexity.

 

[*oneironaut*]

Hey BBH-

As you can see by the common consensus here that what you are experiencing is the norm not the exception. DMT isn't really a "fun" or "recreational" substance as it comes with many difficult qualities.. these are part of the game and in my experience part of the right of passage, so to speak. I have broken through 8 times now with several sub breakthrough doses as well, and it wasn't until number 5 or 6 where my heart wasn't pounding so hard that I could hear it before taking flight. I still get quite the butterfly feeling, but now that I know what to expect and have a "feel" for it, the excitement and intrigue overpowers the fear and anxiety.

I honestly enjoy a one hit breakthrough dose more than a few smaller sub breakthrough hits. The onset is almost inperceptable, as it comes on so quick that one second i'm thinking "My manboobs hurt" and then the next second I'm in the hyperspace's toddler play room marveling at the magic these little wizards are spinning up for me. Is it intense, yes. Does it shock me every time, hell yes. But i've come to the point where I'm familiar enough to ride through without my apprehensions getting in the way. You will too. It takes a few journeys to get past the "negative" sensations, thoughts and feelings that go with it.

Anyway, getting off the ramble train now... take your time, stay with it, you will be rewarded.

 

[d-T-r]

It's all trial and error remember so nothing went wrong at all. Sometimes a failed trip is the trip it's self. If anything, the spice is doing it's job already if it's making you work on the relaxation.

Natural to be hesitant before, but just affirm intentions and speak your way through it. Maybe try drink a nice relaxing tea beforehand?

 

[Mickey_Mouse_33]

What usually really helps me when I am having the pre-flight jitters is to start the session with low doses and then move up. 10 mg, 15 mg, 20 mg, 25 mg, 30 mg... It softens me up, gets me in the right mood and reminds me that DMT is a friend, not a ghost.

Also as everyone else says, there is no reason to beat yourself up. Like Art says I too think that this is something that literally everyone goes through at least at some point when working with DMT.

 

[Kobranek]

The spice sure does kick the fight or flight response in....gotta love it! Thats all you really can do.

The way I see the anxiety is that it is all our inhibitions, fears, doubts, and pretty much all the negative thoughts that is our ego rationally trying to convince ourselves to not partake. The ego wants to protect what it thinks is best for us...the pre-flight anxiety is proof that our minds have a major play in our overall physical sensations based on the situation, I always remind myself at this point that I always feel the most ALIVE and to push on. The best reward I have brought back is all the fear dissolving into pure bliss and transcending into strength/confidence in other parts of life. I always think to myself after getting all worked up, "Now that wasn't so bad I don't know what all the fuss was about!" with the feeling of all the weight of the world being lifted off your shoulders.

You obviously respect the molecule which is the most important thing IMO to setting yourself up to divine experiences.

I second the idea of using shrooms to help as the anxiety is usually far less for me when making the transition into hyperspace with a head full of psilocybin.