Emptiness

[Korrupt]

I had this experience six months ago, but i still think about it.

I was in my home, alone, and i ate 3g mushrooms. The come up was slow. I tried to find some good music, but it was not succesful, i did not liked any of them. I started go get some negative thoughts, which was strange, because i had a good mood before i started this trip. I went out to my balcony, to change my surroundings. There was some trees, my plants, etc, but i felt an "eternal distance" from them, everything was very "far". I felt everything is parallel, everything does its own thing, lives its own life, everything is separated, etc, i cant really connect to anything, the connections are only made in my head, in my thoughts.

I looked at my plants, and i felt nothing, but a few hours before they were important for me, i felt love, caring, etc. Everything became empty. Nothing had an inherent attribute, its just in my head, i create the "meaning". I am just a line, what separates, divides things. And i got bored, and tired of doing this constant separation, division. I felt like, my self, or more likely my ego is similar to a muscle, i can stop "moving", using it, and end this separation. My ego, or my identity is a thing what i create. The positive side of it is, that i can allow myself to become anyone. The negative side is, that the morality, the good and bad things are fragile, they depend on my chosen identity.

I went back to my room. I felt empty and tired and bored. But i dont had an exact feeling, i felt like somehow empty. I was standing in my room, and these parallel energy lines vere flowing through me, they were somewhat intense, but they didnt had any meaning. I could step out of this mindstate, and suddenly everything became dual, but it was boring and worthless, so i fell back to this empty state. I felt, there is everything around me, every possibility, and i must be careful, where to go, what to choose. But if i choose something, it doesnt matter, because there is no goal at the end, nothing to reach, or more likely, i can create my own goals, but i got tired, bored of doing things. It looked like, that life and the things, materials did not have any exact meaning, its just there, and because its there, it attracts attention, and this attention creates different things, rules, etc.
With mescaline, at the base of things (or at least, as far as i went) is love, but here was nothing, just emptiness, or endless possibilities.

The scary thing was, that against my uninterest, why im still here? Why i cant leave this place, this life, or this thing, what we call life? What keeps me here? I started to feel some matrix-like things, some eternal mind-torture, etc. Something bigger keeps me here, and i dont have enough power to change, and i have less impact on things than i was thinking.

I think i should let go myself, but this whole thing was strange, and too sudden, and unexpected. I just wanted it to end. My thoughts were bending, spiraling, i just wanted to think "straight" again. I called my friend, we were talking, and it helped me to calm down, connect to things,remember, etc.

The next few days i was tired, exhausted. And the meaning of many words changed, its hard to describe, but its an interesting thing.

I feel some kind of emptiness since my childhood, that nothing have a real base, everything just floating, and its hard to live like this, because i have to create my goals, and my rules, and keep my attention, but ultimately everything is a pattern, life is about chasing and avoiding patterns.
Other people doesnt feel this way, they dont feel this emptiness?

 

[CatFractals]

I have goals and rules for my life.

Of course I only developed my goals at 19. I feel lucky to know what I wanted at that age. Those goals still remain with me. My childhood, definitely not perfect. However I clearly knew from childhood that my rules and who I allow myself to be hasn't changed.

I've had my fair share of emptiness and tragedy. It feels unescapable at times and all consuming.

life is about chasing and avoiding patterns.
Other people doesnt feel this way, they dont feel this emptiness?

I disagree, you could do that, hopefully in a healthy way. No offense, I've found for myself that I don't need to chase or avoid.

Create Happiness within you and your surroundings. Whatever you require you'll find it easily within you. Think of consciousness and try to understand it.

I'm hoping you have better trips in the future traveler.

 

[Korrupt]

But the goals are very fragile. They depend on my current situation. If i get sick, or get some pain, or break a bone, etc, then suddenly the priorities change, many things become unimportant. And somehow i dont want to spend my time, or energy on temporary things. But i did not found a permanent thing yet (only the change ). And it takes too much effort, to believe, that something is important, because i know, that its temporary, and not really important. There is this emptiness, or meaninglessness in everything.

I have my own goals, and rules, but they started to become less important.

 

[Icyseeker]

Look past the emptiness and begin the trip.

 

[CatFractals]

But the goals are very fragile. They depend on my current situation. If i get sick, or get some pain, or break a bone, etc, then suddenly the priorities change, many things become unimportant.

When those priorities change I'm hoping you seek help with those things at that point in time. (for example: if your sick get treatment. If your bone is broken I'm hoping you don't see it as meaningless, hope you try to fix that.)

If your in a bad spot please be strong enough to come out of it.

I understand your meaningless and empty feelings. I can't speak for everyone but I've had plenty of that in my life already. Most people do.

My goals are fragile too yet I still find someway to realize its importance.

Don't feel bad about not feeling importance, or finding such things in goals and how you want to live as a person. That can take a lot of time.

I just wish the best for you traveler.

 

[Korrupt]

Look past the emptiness and begin the trip.

And how to do this? Its familiar to you, whats your method?
And another thing was, that i couldnt find my own energy, my own style, somehow i lost myself, but before this, i was thinking, that this is that part, which cannot be lost, that is "me".
I think humans, and me too, constantly making patterns, and connections. And there are some patterns, that i like more, thats why i like those things what i like, those jokes, movies, music, etc, i find, or can create a familiar pattern from them. And this part almost never changes, or change very slowly, thats why i feel the same "energy" or "vibe" with people, even after we havent met since 10-15 years. And losing this part was unexpected, it looked solid before.
Thats why i couldnt started to go to a direction, because there wasnt exactly something to bring from here to there.
There wasnt any exact feelings, just the possibility of everything, some kind of raw data, not information. And i only felt a strong intensity, or amplification of things, and there was this feeling, that nothing is happening, and everything is happening, at the same time.

But the goals are very fragile. They depend on my current situation. If i get sick, or get some pain, or break a bone, etc, then suddenly the priorities change, many things become unimportant.

When those priorities change I'm hoping you seek help with those things at that point in time. (for example: if your sick get treatment. If your bone is broken I'm hoping you don't see it as meaningless, hope you try to fix that.)

Yes, of course i seek help. And maybe there is no point of thinking about the future too much, i will do what i can do anyway, what my situation allows me.
Emptiness, or this formlessness seems more real, than the other things, because if you want to create something, you need something to create from, and this looks like the first ingredient for that. Maybe i have problems with creating things. But i do, and create many things, but i always feel this emptiness in things, it feels eternal, the creations are temporary. But maybe these forms, and complexity needed, to see its opposite, or what is it made from.
Thanks for your kind words

 

[Icyseeker]

I think this is a fundemental part of a trip that people go through. The feeling that we are so small in a world so big is something that we have known since childhood. But we don't always feel this because we are adults and have built up our life with meaning and purpose. Psychedelics can be like the wild fire to tear down the walls that you built and leave you crying helpless in the middle of the forest. Whenever I take psychedelics I always get to point where I have more anxiety than I ever had before but for me when I push through that anxiety I begin to see understandings that I have forgotten. I have trip sat others who have gotten to the point where the thoughts in there head were no longer making sense and helped them push past the emptiness point. It is difficult but so is life.

As for personal advice I don't think I am in a position to give you any because I don't know you. I would have to get to know you before I could help you through anything.

 

[monomind]

Hi Korrupt, Sounds like you had a profound experience and I wish you a full and complete integration of it.

The scary thing was, that against my uninterest, why im still here? Why i cant leave this place, this life, or this thing, what we call life? What keeps me here? I started to feel some matrix-like things, some eternal mind-torture, etc. Something bigger keeps me here, and i dont have enough power to change, and i have less impact on things than i was thinking.

I think that the reality of the matter is that we are all an integral part of this 'place'. On the biological level, on the ecological one, and maybe even societal one, we are all part of the web of processes of life on this planet ( And if you accept the theory of Darwinian evolution, then this becomes an inescapable conclusion). So this is a rational statement, not a mystical one.
One of the paradoxes of this situation however is that our 'normal' first person experience is that of being 'embedded' in life rather than being an integral part of it.
Via use of psychedelics and other methods of inquiry, we can get glimpses of this underlying state of affairs of our existence.

Anyways, just sharing my thoughts here... safe travels!

 

[Korrupt]

Whenever I take psychedelics I always get to point where I have more anxiety than I ever had before but for me when I push through that anxiety I begin to see understandings that I have forgotten.

I try to learn from smaller things, gentler ways, not from too harsh methods. But these difficult experiences are important too, they bring me through things, which are way out of my comfort zone. But after this experience, i felt some kind of mental-emotional-physical wound in my chest, some kind of energy leak, but it closed, healed after a few days. There can be dangers, and i try to minimalize it.

I am not looking for an exact advice, these things are very abstract anyway. But it helps, to know, that others have difficulties, and it can be useful, to know their attitude, how they handle it, etc. What you wrote, already helped

I think that the reality of the matter is that we are all an integral part of this 'place'. On the biological level, on the ecological one, and maybe even societal one, we are all part of the web of processes of life on this planet

Yes, we are a part of it, but its strange, why we dont feel it always. And life, here on earth is created, sustained by the Sun. These things are very surreal, but still real. Maybe my problem is, that i expected a different kind of reality, or how the things works. But the question, "why it looks, works like this?" will be there in any kind of reality, i think. I dont know, what kind of "reality" will satisfy me.

 

[monomind]

Yes, we are a part of it, but its strange, why we dont feel it always. And life, here on earth is created, sustained by the Sun. These things are very surreal, but still real. Maybe my problem is, that i expected a different kind of reality, or how the things works. But the question, "why it looks, works like this?" will be there in any kind of reality, i think. I dont know, what kind of "reality" will satisfy me.

That's the evolutionary mistake, the strangest and least known phenomenon in existence - Consciousness.
Why it makes me see this reality in this fashion and not another and why we don't see it as it is ?
good question i would say :?:
and a very personal one imo. that's like asking the question "Who am I" in a way... or what/who I want to become.

Anyways... just late night ramblings,,,

om shanti

 

[titus]

I've come up against something that sounds pretty similar to this during a few of my mushrooms trips, although I don't think as intensely as what you're describing. I kept coming to this feeling multiple trips in a row, and I was pretty anxious to find out some solution, or at least just find out what was going on. I eventually came across something that felt right, and maybe it's applicable to you, I don't know, but it's that to keep the emptiness at bay, one needs to cultivate a sensitivity to the possibilities of what your mind alone can do. Essentially, recognising and exploring the boundaries of creativity is the key, and therefore art is very important, no matter what kind it is.