Filling the void

[humanbeing]

Hello Nexians,
I'm following this forum for about a year now and it's getting time to contribute. Although we don't know us yet I feel understood and at home. I rarely have found such a peaceful and lovely place on the net. Psychonauts are very rare where I live and I'm glad to have found a community of like-minded to share experiences with.

To my person: I'm a 23-year old anarchist from planet earth. I devote my life to the search of knowledge and truth - whatever this should be. The wonders of life mesmerized me as long as I can think and I cannot but marvel at the endless beauty of the universe.

Before I discovered psychedelics two years ago I called myself a nihilist. I was someone who would only accept rational and logical thinking and wouldn't listen to other explanations than the scientific.
The deep inner void was affecting my thinking like a parasite. I couldn't imagine that there is a deep meaning in existence. Nor could I enjoy life anymore. Everything seemed empty and meaningless and I felt more and more numb.
Then I experienced psilocybin. It made me see the world through the eyes of a child again. Everything seemed enchanted. I felt at home and connected with my surrounding for the first time in my life. Later I started growing my own shrooms and a new passion was born. Experiences with mescaline, LSD, DMT and a lot more substances followed. I was very excited and euphoric about the discovery of these new dimensions. But my explorations got a bit out of control. I started abusing psychedelics and was escaping “reality”. Soon I gained no new knowledge and the access to higher dimensions was denied. That's were I got addicted to ketamine. My habit got very destructive and I neglected everything in my life. I escaped death a few times and was about to lose my mind. At some point I realized that I harm the ones that love me with my addiction. My life was an absolute jobsite. So I stopped. But I still smoked weed on daily basis. It gave me some feeling of freedom and helped to separate mind and emotion. A month ago I finally quited smoking weed as I realized that it masked depression and doesn't do me good anymore. I also missed dreaming. Finally the monkey on my back disappeared.

I was about to study chemistry this year but I felt to broke for it so I decided to take a break for a year to cure myself with caapi and iboga. I'm also planing to travel to India for some month next year and visiting a zen monastery later. Until I've overcome depression I stop using mind altering substances.

My experiences with psychedelics made me engage myself in shamanism, eastern philosophy, yoga and meditation. I'm still at the beginning of my journey but it is about to fill the void. Practicing mindfulness and sharing love provides my life with a higher meaning and joy. I'm grateful for every moment that I can wander on earth.

Since my substance use I feel a alienated from society and some kind of superior to the ignorant – I always hated chauvinism but I don't know how to overcome this feeling. Any advice?

Love and peace

 

[brokenChild]

Since my substance use I feel a alienated from society and some kind of superior to the ignorant – I always hated chauvinism but I don't know how to overcome this feeling. Any advice?

Love and peace

I too have recently had similar issues since starting the whole "esoteric" journey into meditation land and various states of awareness, but honestly I think the whole issue stems from comparison. Each one of us is so unique and incomparable, that essentially there is no right and wrong, there are just various expressions of the self; just various perspectives... or you could say we are both right and wrong in our own ways.

So, when we drop this issue of comparison, then superior or inferior does not arise, because you are you and I am me; incomparably unique in our own special ways of self-expression Simple acceptance of all things as they are is enough

 

[dooby]

Hello HB,

Welcome to the Nexus.

I'm sorry to hear you've had such problems with K and I'm very happy you've turned your back on that substance... I have some friends with similar backgrounds, some even who are still in the process of realizing that K isn't "the breakfast of champions"

Having a learning process in common with some of your fellow Nexians means that you probably have some mistakes in common as well - I for one have to plead guilty for not always recognizing the importance of set and setting and, like yourself, I have learned from my mistakes...

I wish you the best of luck with curing your depression - practicing mindfulness is certainly a step in the right direction...

About feeling superior to the ignorant, try to find another source for your self-esteem...we may be different from "the masses" but that doesn't make us any better (or worse)... Some of those who you consider to be ignorant might really surprise you...never judge a book by its cover

PLUR

 

[Pandora]

Hello humanbeing,

Welcome to the Nexus, . That was a wonderful Introduction Essay - you really made good use of this opportunity to introduce yourself to the community. I believe you will find many many like-minded souls here, if you have not done so already.

You have been on an amazing life journey so far. It sounds to me like you have learned a lot and are looking to grow and learn even more. It also sounds to me like you have a wonderful talent that many work for a long time to cultivate, without even knowing that's what they are seeking - and that is honesty with yourself. It came through in your essay and I think it can radically contribute to honesty with others also. And this honesty, paired with a gentleness and love of everyone, complete with their faults, warts and all, contributes to a deeper level of communication that helps and heals and ripples to make the world a better place.

So, thank you and keep up the good work. Please keep us updated.

Have you had a chance to extract your own entheogens yet, such as DMT or mescaline? If so, how did that go? Which tek did you use?

Please take a good look around - this place is huge. I suspect you already like what you see. The closer you look, the deeper it goes. I hope you have had a chance to check out the amazing resources packed into the wiki . . . again I think you'll like what you see.

Regarding so-called chauvinism. For me, I have come to realize that most people feel they are on a personal path to discovery or enlightenment or whatever. Most folks feel like they have discovered something that is a deep personal truth and often they want to share it. Most folks believe they are good and doing good work. Once I realize this, I can work on attempting to educate others, while being open to receiving education from them. Two-way communication follows and as we learn more we either see each other less or see each other more and gain a deeper respect.

Yeah, I don't have many real, deep friends. Many of my reactions in the real world are just polite and surface level. I don't even let that phase me. I just try to grab the few but wonderful opportunities that do present themselves for deeper communication and understanding as well as personal interventions that may have a ripple effect later on.

Regardless, each person must find their personal path, their truth. I hope you find one that works for you, that you find to be personally healing in your search to destroy depression and find meaning.

Again, welcome to the Nexus, .

 

[humanbeing]

Thanks for the nice words, I really appreciate that

At heart I know that we are all equal good/bad and that everyone of us got the light within - some realize that some not. I'm cultivating equality as everything else doesn't feel right but everyday life can be so discouraging and I'm often disappointed by the mindlessness of my fellow citizens. It's hard to educate when no education is wanted. I often think I have to help. But I got more and more isolated as communication is mostly one-sided and old friends don't understand me anymore.


@Pandora
Haven't made any extracts yet but got 2kg of MHRB which waits to get extracted. Also planing to do some harmala extraction. It's a rewarding joy to walk on the alchemical path. Love the possibility to extract my own stuff and bioassay with it.

The knowledge and wisdom collected at this place is just awesome!

 

[brokenChild]

Thanks for the nice words, I really appreciate that

At heart I know that we are all equal good/bad and that everyone of us got the light within - some realize that some not. I'm cultivating equality as everything else doesn't feel right but everyday life can be so discouraging and I'm often disappointed by the mindlessness of my fellow citizens. It's hard to educate when no education is wanted. I often think I have to help. But I got more and more isolated as communication is mostly one-sided and old friends don't understand me anymore.

disappointment comes from some kind of expectation, you want them to be something other than what they are... so the problem is your expectation, and non-acceptance. They are ultimately free to be whatever they want to be, ignorance included. Can't change the world, can only change yourself... and an imposed change onto somebody else is bound to do more harm than good, when they are ready to confront some issue within themselves, they will ask. If you try to tell them/show them before they see it as a problem within themselves, they will be unable to understand what you are talking about. Simple as that. Don't worry about your fellow man, focus entirely upon improving your own life... and in this way you can at least set an example. That's all that can ever be done, really. You can only work on yourself, and at times, when someone else is ready, you may provide assistance to somebody else. But it should be out of their freedom as well

At least that understanding has been the only real, functional one for me thus far