First Breakthrough. Worried.

[ninjaxmasparty]

Hello everybody, I've used DMT a lot of times mainly in my late teens - very early twenties, always smoked it on top of a tiny amount weed. But have never "broken through" (I didn't even know that term until a year or so ago) or really tried for it. Earlier today I vaped/smoked an unknown amount of DMT out of a "Machine" (Will buy the GVG soon). I could see the amount of powder and it didn't look like a whole lot but there was some visible residual DMT from the previous time I used my "machine" but I really didn't think it was much. Needless to say my calculations were off. After the first inhale I felt it coming on VERY strong, I took a second one and was quite literally, mentally gone. At first everything started to lose it's definition and only the dominant colors of what I was looking at were visible. Visions of Aztec like architecture and ancient carvings of dancing Aztec men made of intense rainbow colour manifested themselves on the white pallette of my oven and I could "feel" them. About half way up the stairs I lost sight of my world and "It" "gripped" me (This whole time I was slowly walking from my kitchen to go upstairs to use the bathroom because I felt like I was gonna poop myself actually.) An extremely powerful and absolutely and utterly unidentifiable and all powerful something had an unbelievable grip on me. I could control my body but felt no inclination to move around. I honestly could never possibly explain what I saw. The visuals actually strongly reminded me of some of the avatars I've seen of other Nexians so I know many of you must've been there before and seen this. At one point what I was seeing reminded me of a skull but endlessly and rapidly dividing down the middle and going in and out forming a room) I did not feel intense fear, intense love, I felt as if something HAD me and all I could see were indescribable things. Absolutely amazing but I could not comprehend them at all. I began to say "oh my god, oh my god!" in absolute awe. Awe feels like a very weak word to describe how I felt but there are no words that can do this justice. I have never been so in awe. I could hear all the sounds coming from the world outside and I could "feel" them very intensely and they seemed to pulse in and out. The sound of a Cicada dominated though and it "pull" and "pushed" me in and out of "It's grasp". I found myself saying outloud "How do I know I am loved? How do know we are loved? I just want to be loved." The force that had a hold of me felt like it didn't feel one way or the other about me or the human race. It didn't seem cruel or loving. It didn't even seem apathetic or disinterested in us. I don't know what it was or what it wants or if it wants or if it is. The force felt wholly alien in this way. Unfortunately I began to comeback out of it at this point before I could further seek the answers or learn any more of "It". I felt it's "physical" grasp on me loosen and I found myself coming back to the realization of my body and ego (the latter of which I had COMPLETELY lost which was, in retrospect, a freeing feeling). I now feel uneasy and feel that I will have to "go back" later next week but will make ayahuasca this time as I need more time with "It". I feel a strong need to reach out for help and this is the only place to turn for me where I think others will have any experience with this. I am scared and at great unease with this idea that we are not loved. Other experiences I've had on mushrooms, LSD, and a others and even my other experiences with DMT have left me feeling like we ARE loved by our greater beings or something like that. some kind of god-like nature force that may or may not be real. And the force that had a hold of me was very god-like in it's power. It was different then "seeing" entities It was the whole experience itself as a thing. And it didn't seem to care. What do you guys make of this? DMT is certainly it's own thing. I've had many very intense trips but none that even compared to this.

Was it doing this to me because it loved me? Or maybe was it doing this to me because it was just doing it's duties? Do you think we're even loved as a species?


note:Also during the heart of the experience I felt as if I was in a "room" almost.

 

[Doc Buxin]

Welcome to the unpredictable world of DMT breakthrough experiences!

They can be quite disconcerting, no doubt.

Take time to just be here in consensual reality & let the experience integrate its way into your everyday life.

Make sure to practice some kind of meditation, no matter what kind or what style or what school...
It will help a lot if you so decide to make more journeys into hyperspace.

I have had experiences very similar to what you've described here; no need to worry.

Peace.

 

[archaic_revival_]

Have you ever stepped on an insect before? Do you love the insect species? Or are you simply indifferent towards them?

From the insect's perspective, you could be a disinterested God. From your perspective, there may be something more evolved that doesn't find you terribly interesting or appealing.

That being said, YOU are loved. Your mother probably loved you. I may not know you, but I love you because a) you were brave enough to smoke the spirit molecule and b) you went through the effort of communicating a very difficult experience.

So you are loved.

Is the human species as a whole loved? Maybe. Maybe not.

Perhaps to be loved as a species, we must display love to other living species first.

 

[S3ek1ng Wisdom]

I don't get it. How could you walk around if you went deep. It is impossible to walk around if you break through because you totally get lost in that other dimension(s).
You loose all sense of self. You didn't break through You didn't even go deep.

 

[S3ek1ng Wisdom]

.

 

[ninjaxmasparty]

@S3ek1ng Wisdom: :? I collapsed on the stairs

 

[jim2015]

I think you need to control the trip a bit and like someone mentioned earlier meditation will help a lot with this.

Also the setting and your intent need to be right.

 

[TGO]

I don't get it. How could you walk around if you went deep. It is impossible to walk around if you break through because you totally get lost in that other dimension(s).
You loose all sense of self. You didn't break through You didn't even go deep.

Ninja mentioned that the walking around was because Ninja didn't want to "poop himself" ... How would you know how deep Ninja went? To me it sounded like an intense experience. I've had profoundly deep journeys on DMT while still mostly present in this material world. I have also had very deep and profound journeys on DMT while very very very far away from "regular" reality and have lost all sense of self. DMT is a mystery and will show you things in ways you will never expect.

Then when you think you got it figured out, it hyperslaps you in the face and says, "you thought you could figure me out completely, huh? Let me humble you!"

I think it is a bit bold of you to assume what happened or didn't happen to someone else in their experience... Also, breakthroughs are subjective to each user. There are many threads on what a breakthrough is thought to be. But really it is just a label we place on powerful experiences to help better understand what happens in the DMT world and it is a tool to use so we can compare to others' experiences.

Anyway, Ninja... I do think we are loved but it is hard to see if we don't fully love ourselves. I don't know if it is a greater being of some sort or not but being able to love yourself and others around you will allow you to be content. Maybe there are greater intelligent forms out there...maybe there are none. Unfortunately, there is no way for us to truly know.

DMT can truly bring out a lot of questions. If you find one answer you are left with ten more questions. It will shake your reality. It will shake your faith. But remember, you are not alone in this. Most of us have been exactly where you are and can relate/resonate with your experience.

Integration is the next step. Easier said than done, I know....but give it some time and you will begin to cope with what happened! Still wishing you the best Ninja!

Have a nice day!

EDIT: also just a quick tip...if you break your "dreaded wall of text" :lol: into a few paragraphs it makes for an easier read for us Nexians.

:thumb_up: :thumb_up:

 

[ninjaxmasparty]

@ Doc Buxin: Thank you very much Doc Buxin it's very nice to not feel alone! I certainly will be taking some time off to try and integrate this experience. I know in my original post I said I would be taking more next week but I think I will give myself more time than that. YES meditation has been playing a big role for me and my use of DMT. I find that before I know I am about to use it, My heart rate goes totally insane and begins just pulsing so rapidly and intensely. I've read of this happening to other users as well. I've since begin meditating prior to the experience and will certainly be practicing it throughout the week. I also feel a strong need to see people and to not be alone(I live a very isolated life which can be hard) so I may go visit my family and hopefully will be able to visit with some friends this weekend. Thanks again Doc I always really appreciate your comments.

@ Arhcaic_Revival: Thank you for your response! Great analogy with the instects. haha unfortunately it applies a little less to me as I am a vegan and have a great love of insects and all life but your right, from their perspective, I'm sure I seem like I totally don't care. It's not like I pick up every single ant I ever see and confess my love for it. And that would be dishonest of me anyways. I probably accidentally kill bugs all the time when I'm doing my gardening and the like. And thank you so much for the love. Even though we do not know eachother it felt good to hear

I am beginning to think that this concerning lack of love I felt was actually more of a strong realization of some kind that I do not love myself. Which is true. I've always had a very hard time loving myself and definitely suffer from a lack of confidence a lot of the time. The lack of love I felt was perhaps the lack of love inside me for myself. But I do not know! Who knows. Very hard to make sense of still. Hopefully with more time I will come to a better understanding of this.

 

[TGO]

It's not like I pick up every single ant I ever see and confess my love for it.

That made me --->>>> :d :lol:

Only because that would be very strange to see someone doing that! It is refreshing to hear that you have great respect for all life here on our little planet though. Many people do not think that way at all.

 

[ninjaxmasparty]

I think it is a bit bold of you to assume what happened or didn't happen to someone else in their experience... Also, breakthroughs are subjective to each user. There are many threads on what a breakthrough is thought to be. But really it is just a label we place on powerful experiences to help better understand what happens in the DMT world and it is a tool to use so we can compare to others' experiences

Hey Grateful One! Thank you. Yeah I felt kinda the same way about someone judging my own personal experience like that. and especially when not really addressing any of my questions or anything else at all really. Yes I think that "breakthrough" is simply just a very basic term for a very open ended and highly subjective phenomenon. And yes I guess to clarify all this, I put the machine down (as best as I could as it was already coming on real strong) and I began walking towards the upstairs to use my bathroom because it felt like I was going to unload in my shorts. I was able to walk for about 7-10 seconds maybe before I collapsed on the stairs and crapping in my pants completely left my mind and if I had, I seriously doubt I would've noticed at that point. Thankfully, I did not crap myself:thumb_up: .

Anyway, Ninja... I do think we are loved but it is hard to see if we don't fully love ourselves. I don't know if it is a greater being of some sort or not but being able to love yourself and others around you will allow you to be content. Maybe there are greater intelligent forms out there...maybe there are none. Unfortunately, there is no way for us to truly know.

DMT can truly bring out a lot of questions. If you find one answer you are left with ten more questions. It will shake your reality. It will shake your faith. But remember, you are not alone in this. Most of us have been exactly where you are and can relate/resonate with your experience.

Integration is the next step. Easier said than done, I know....but give it some time and you will begin to cope with what happened! Still wishing you the best Ninja!

Have a nice day!

Thank for this, man. Seriously. And your other comments as well. This is more or less the only place I have to turn for these kind of aching questions and the DMT experience as a whole. It really helps when people are helpful. It also always helps to know your not alone in these experiences. What happened to me yesterday was one of most intense experiences of my life. I can't classify it as good or bad but man, was it intense! And yes it left me with endless questions hammering on my brain. It did leave me (sort of directed me) with the thought though that without the existence of love in the world, life is more or less not worth living to me. And I find myself now searching for help and evidence of real love in our world and within my own self. And I feel I see it everywhere. In small and large doses all over the place and that is very reassuring. Love and kindness are very important to me. I don't know maybe cheesy or hokey or something but that's how I feel.That those things are absolutely integral to our existence. Anyways, (went a little off track there sorry) Thank you Grateful One, you have a nice day too!

 

[TGO]

Anytime, Ninja! I don't have a lot of people to share my experiences with either mainly because the average person is immediately turned off by the idea of psychedelics being beneficial in any way.

I've had people say things like:

"Wait, what? You've taken LSD? Shrooms? DMT? Oh my, you must be a psycho by now. Your brain has surely melted and must fire on zero cylinders!"

Really? Based on what?

And that was coming from people who have an unhealthy relationship with mixing prescription pills and alcohol and the like. I just don't like it when people judge me whenever they have their own issues that they are suppressing. Needless to say, I used to hang out with the wrong crowd... But I digress...

My significant other partakes and she is really the only one I share anything with besides this forum. I truly enjoy this forum and I love sharing and helping in any way, shape or form when possible/applicable.

I am no expert but I do have plenty of experience. It is a life long journey, full of mystery and insight. A lot of people want to race to the end and move on to the next thing but that isn't really possible with these substances. I have learned many things but one of the main lessons is (in the form of a Chinese proverb):

"Patience is a tree with bitter roots that bears sweet fruit"

The more you work with DMT (and other psychedelics) the more insight and life lessons you will gain. It is confusing, overwhelming, and sometimes downright exhausting to try and process everything all at once. Worry is only natural. But in time, it all comes together.

These are just examples of what I have learned through the psychedelic experiences. It will be different for everyone. I am happy you have delved into this beautifully intricate (DMT) realm. You will see some incredible things...

But anywho, I am just rambling at this point. None of this is supposed to be advice, it is just some things I've noticed through the years.

 

[○]

The DMT experience is so powerful; powerful in how swift and quick it comes on to dethrone the ego, completely dissolving your reality right before your eyes. When I classify DMT as powerful, I typically base it on that factor - the suddenness/speed to which it can do the above. This stuff can change your life overnight. It's no toy. It can wreck and flip every iota of your reality inside out. The experience will dish out how much you can handle. It's power is beyond our conception.

Try not to dwell on the questions and whatnot too much; as for some that can just eat you up. The question itself may be the answer. Just accept the experience as it is every time you go in; accept it on it's terms; throw yourself into it's arms willingly, openly; let go and jump in the river. Live in light of this experience you had, or try your hardest. Go out and live your life. Every time you go there, give it your complete respect, acceptance and undivided attention (which it seems to grab rather easily).

Bathe in the power of life itself. Endless surprises in store.

 

[spacexplorer]

Could be the reptilian entity that has a hold of you, it sees us as bugs it has no care at all for us

 

[○]

Could be the reptilian entity that has a hold of you, it sees us as bugs it has no care at all for us

Personally, I don't see this comment as help for the OP, especially the last bit - "it sees us as bugs it has no care at all for us".

How are you so certain, when there's been many other here that have seen 'reptilian entities' and have had positive experiences from the encounters? Are you sure that you're not projecting a bit of your own experiences/biases onto the OPs experience?

I've encountered 'reptilian entities' several times during the DMT experience and have had nothing but highly intricate, beautiful and positive motifs and messages spun forth from such; highly ornate and novel orgasmic structures being brought forth and through me.

I don't think an absolutist statement such as that helps much in any way for the OP.

 

[skoobysnax]

The idea of wanting more time to work? Changa. I am really just beginning to dig deeper with it. My last Changa was sub breakthrough, almost like an eighth of shrooms but shorter and very very grounding. Integration began within the experience.

 

[S3ek1ng Wisdom]

I don't get it. How could you walk around if you went deep. It is impossible to walk around if you break through because you totally get lost in that other dimension(s).
You loose all sense of self. You didn't break through You didn't even go deep.

Ninja mentioned that the walking around was because Ninja didn't want to "poop himself" ... How would you know how deep Ninja went? To me it sounded like an intense experience. I've had profoundly deep journeys on DMT while still mostly present in this material world. I have also had very deep and profound journeys on DMT while very very very far away from "regular" reality and have lost all sense of self. DMT is a mystery and will show you things in ways you will never expect.

Then when you think you got it figured out, it hyperslaps you in the face and says, "you thought you could figure me out completely, huh? Let me humble you!"

I think it is a bit bold of you to assume what happened or didn't happen to someone else in their experience... Also, breakthroughs are subjective to each user. There are many threads on what a breakthrough is thought to be. But really it is just a label we place on powerful experiences to help better understand what happens in the DMT world and it is a tool to use so we can compare to others' experiences.

Yes I guess I shouldn't judge other peoples experiences. You are right. We all have different bodychemistries and react differently to substances. For me, I don't even become aware of that I am breathing, so walking around is absolutely impossible.

Thank you ninjaxmasparty for sharing your story.

 

[ninjaxmasparty]

Thank so much everyone for taking the time to read my experience and for your responses. I really do appreciate it.

@The Grateful One: Thank you so much Grateful One for all your responses and help so far during my time here on the Nexus. I really liked hearing a little of your story and man, we definitely have some things in common! It also seems like you truly care about people (and that's really something, considering this is just text. There are no facial gestures, no spoken words or tone of voice, no hand movements, just text, and yet the intention comes through.)

I am no expert but I do have plenty of experience. It is a life long journey, full of mystery and insight. A lot of people want to race to the end and move on to the next thing but that isn't really possible with these substances. I have learned many things but one of the main lessons is (in the form of a Chinese proverb):

"Patience is a tree with bitter roots that bears sweet fruit"

The more you work with DMT (and other psychedelics) the more insight and life lessons you will gain. It is confusing, overwhelming, and sometimes downright exhausting to try and process everything all at once. Worry is only natural. But in time, it all comes together.

These are just examples of what I have learned through the psychedelic experiences. It will be different for everyone. I am happy you have delved into this beautifully intricate (DMT) realm. You will see some incredible things...

But anywho, I am just rambling at this point. None of this is supposed to be advice, it is just some things I've noticed through the years.

Smile

Beautifully put:thumb_up: And very encouraging words. It's okay you are not rambling! I think you have a better understanding of a lot of what's like going on here(sorry I don't know how to put it) than I do and I love listening/reading what you have to say. Thanks again for everything, Grateful!



@Tattvamasi: Wow. Absolutely golden words. I read over your first post quite a few times. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my experience, your response and the advice. Sounds like you've been on this road for some time.

@spaceexplorer: Haha oh god I hope it wasn't that! I feel like this is not what I experienced but I like to keep an open mind. Did you experience something like this?

@skoobysnax: Yes I've been very much wanting to make some changa. I have never tried it. Haven't tried DMT with MAOIs ever actually. This is most definitely how I plan to do it next time (either via formosahuasca or changa). "Integration began within the experience." This or something more like this is what I'm hoping for on my next outing. Thank you skoobysnax!

@S3ek1ng Wisdom: It's cool! Your right, in my original post I do talk about the walking in the beginning but don't mention the collapsing on the stairs and other details that I'm sure would've provided greater accuracy to what I experienced. But yes I was unable to walk and was totally unaware of my breathing as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my experience!

 

[Enoon]

An interesting question to pose yourself is "what is love and how do you perceive it?" Human love is something we are quite familiar with - from friendship to family to romantic relationships and life-long partnerships - this kind of love we can understand. What about other species though? I can definitely tell if a dog loves someone, but take a bird... the way it expresses itself is totally different from that of a mammal. It may seem distant to someone who doesn't understand their behavior, while someone who does may be able to tell right away how close the bird is to the human.

Imagine a higher intelligence that you know next to nothing about now. How can you interpret its actions as one thing or another? Love, indifference, purpose - you simply have no clue. Let's go back to the bird: If I find a baby bird on the ground and take it home and give it food etc. a lot of the times the way I handle the little guy will be practical and efficient. I might decide that it's better to leave the little chick alone as much as I can, so as not to stress it more than I need to. I might decide not to cuddle it etc. My love for this creature is expressed in a way that perhaps it can't interpret as such.

I've helped several animals that had no idea I was helping them. And yet there was love there. Love for life, love for the individual, compassion...

There's also another side to consider: this experience may be a manifestation of your mind and the feelings you were going through might come from completely different areas. Needing love is a very natural instinct that might have been stimulated by the experience. What had a hold of you might have been your core-self, stripped of all emotions and intentions that clutter our minds but make us what we are. And so you might have had two very different parts of your mind competing for attention. You could ask yourself, "why?", but you probably won't get a good answer, though you might get an idea. You could also simply ask yourself, "what can I learn from this?" and take the integration from there.

Additionally, I'm certain there are hundreds of other ways of seeing this experience, and I would investigate all of them with an open mind, to see what you can learn. Happy investigations!

 

[stitch]

I totally agree with gratefulone. It is hard to explain people how things really are. I gave up on that a while ago, since it only affected me negatively seeing other people reacting in such a negative way.

Another thing i agree with him is that it really would be so much easier if you wrote it in separate paragraphs....

Last bot not least.... patience, do not get overwhelmed by it ,use it as a tool. It has a lot to offer and a lot to take it is up to you to keep on the balance.

In a totally different context i remembered what my papa used to tell me when i was younger : "rule of the golden habitat".