Getting over or threw relationships

[EveNing11CrOW11]

Hey so right now i am going through this hard period with someone i love very deeply, a girl who for the past 4 years has been there with me. Right now it's getting pretty intense and i keep finding myself holding on or trying to force my will, and all i want to do is let go, but yet fearing the pain/growth that will happen from letting go. This is very hard when the thought of them not being present scars the living shit out of me. There seems to be alot of people around here on this forum that would have good .. i don't want to say advice, but insights.

How have some of you gotten past situations like this?

much thanks,

 

[DoingKermit]

I have to say i can really relate to what you're going through, EveNing11CrOW11. I have been with my GF for about 4 years, but have been best friends for 10. She is my life, my everything, but i am thinking it may be time for us to temporarily part ways... even though it's the last thing we both want to do. The thing is, although we both love each other, at the moment it might not be the best time for us to be together. For us both to grow further it might be best for us to have a mutual break to find our own paths to ultimately be stronger as a couple in the future. She suffers from severe depression. I have been helping her deal with it since i've known her. I think it has been our downfall, as no matter what i say to help, i have a biassed opinion due to the way i feel about her.

Sometimes in life we have to make sacrifices to eventually make things better. I wouldn't be the person i am today if it wasn't for this girl and for that i am forever grateful. However, for both our sakes (mainly hers) i need to let her go, as she does me. I want to say it is not permanent, due to the fact that i truly feel like we are soul mates, but our paths need to widen for a bit before they can come back together.

I had a similar, but yet very different, situation with my first love when i was 16. I thought that when we broke up that i would NEVER be able to find someone who got me as much as she did or would love me as much as she did. I was wrong, as i have felt a connection that words cannot describe with the girl i am with at the moment. I think in that situation time was the best healer. Just meeting new people (not even girls) helped a lot when i was going through that rough patch in my life. I thought we were moving in together and she suddenly moved to the states and i never saw her again. It was so hard to deal with at the time and extremely scary.

I feel like it sometimes happens with friends as well. People change over time and relationships move on. Life works in very strange ways sometimes and a lot of the time it can't be seen when it's happening. I have no idea the details of your relationship with this person, but i feel like i can understand the act of having to let go of someone you care for. Be strong and if you really feel it is right move on, just try to make this person understand it is for the best.

Sorry if my situations don't fully relate to yours. I hope it works out for the best.

DK

 

[SWIMfriend]

There is no method to "get past" such things. When you have invested a great deal of emotional energy into a relationship, that process and state simply REWIRES YOUR BRAIN to such an extent that immediate change is just not possible (that is, if you're psychologically normal--sociopaths could probably drop such a relationship without a second thought).

About the best thing you can do is exert POSITIVE ENERGY in another direction (on anything, any person, any ambition, etc.). It takes about two months for your brain to create significant new wiring--which will happen if you give it SOMETHING about which to create that wiring. So...you end up "undoing" most of your previous emotional connection in "two month chunks" until much of it is gone.

To be perfectly candid, I once was involved in a love relationship ending which took.....a solid twenty five years to fully divest myself of. That doesn't mean I was PARALYZED for that length of time. It means that it took twenty five years until the LAST SHRED of emotional connection had finally evaporated...Actually, I admit I'm kinda surprised that it DID all evaporate--but it did (but, frankly, I'm kinda an emotional person :roll: ).

 

[EveNing11CrOW11]

You're situation relates alot actually, my girl also suffers from anxiety/depression, and it is as if this relationship has become a refuge or a crutch kinda a place where we can both run to when we don't want to deal or be alone with ourselves, we keep trying to help eachother but this becomes impossible when we are not focusing on helping ourselves. Many times this point has come up in our relationship where we realize we what we need to do, which is work on ourselves so that in turn we can be there for eachother better, but we tend to always fall back in because being apart is too much. It's very difficult to let go and lose someone, especially somehow who you have been threw hell and back with, someone who was there when you needed them. This is probably one of the hardest situations i am trying to get threw, especially when the other person does not leave your mind. The sinking pit feeling sucks as well. It's going to take alot of focus i feel to get threw this, I'm going to need to put my mind to other things. Productive self expanding things like art, work, meditation ect.. i feel that's the only way i'll be able to get threw.

thank you for the reply DK,

 

[InfiniteFacticity]

There is no method to "get past" such things. When you have invested a great deal of emotional energy into a relationship, that process and state simply REWIRES YOUR BRAIN to such an extent that immediate change is just not possible (that is, if you're psychologically normal--sociopaths could probably drop such a relationship without a second thought).

About the best thing you can do is exert POSITIVE ENERGY in another direction (on anything, any person, any ambition, etc.). It takes about two months for your brain to create significant new wiring--which will happen if you give it SOMETHING about which to create that wiring. So...you end up "undoing" most of your previous emotional connection in "two month chunks" until much of it is gone.

To be perfectly candid, I once was involved in a love relationship ending which took.....a solid twenty five years to fully divest myself of. That doesn't mean I was PARALYZED for that length of time. It means that it took twenty five years until the LAST SHRED of emotional connection had finally evaporated...Actually, I admit I'm kinda surprised that it DID all evaporate--but it did (but, frankly, I'm kinda an emotional person :roll: ).

I completely agree with your first paragraph. The first serious relationship i was in lasted about two years before I forced a break-up early this past spring. At first I repressed my emotions to the point where I worried I was sociopathic in some ways. My ex, on the flip side, was devastated for about three weeks before finding another partner who helped her cope. Around this time I began to regret my actions, and a tidal wave of emotion overtook me. I found myself quite broken when she didn't take me back, suicidal in fact. Time has healed me to some extent, but I suspect there will always be a small emptiness in my emotional capacity because of such an abrupt and foolhardy severance of a serious emotional connection.

I'm not sure I have enough temporal distance to give you good advice, Evening Crow, but my experience does support SWIMfriend's idea that the wiring of your brain will take time to get used to your new circumstances. Neuroscience tells us that the brain can be molded (neuroplasticity) throughout the whole of our lives, so if you reinvest your energy in a positive direction, as SWIMfriend suggests, then you should come to terms with whatever you choose after enough time and energy. I do think that in the weeks following the break-up I developed strong feelings of self-hate and regret, which led to a very self-destructive cycle. Fortunately for me, I realized what I was doing to myself and am now making a conscious effort to develop positive habits and thoughts, as well as keeping my decisions in a more healthy perspective.

Best of luck to you on whatever path you take!