Goodbye Nexus & Final Reflections

[Prima Materia]

@northape

I myself have come to a place in my life that certain decisions major decisions had to be taken. It's not light but it's liberating and paving a new way for me. It has nothing to do with dmt-nexus for me however. Therefore I can very much relate to you and I totally support you in moving on whatever your interpretation of that is and whatever activities, changes and importantces you're implementing to your life.

There's no doubt about the quality and quantity of your contribution to this community and I want to thank you deeply for that as this community is one of the best things that happened to me therefore whoever nurtures it has a very special place in my heart. Do come around here sometime and give us a report on what's happening in your life and an chance to chat with you a bit.

I may come through as a bit coldish and distant in my writting but do understand that there is only warmth and support felt here on this side of the spectrum.

Good Luck and Namaste!

 

[Toadster]

I'm not fully free and need to take care of my elderly mom. It's a whole other story. She tried for two years to set me free, but in the end we're moving together.
We'll travel to India for a few months and then we will head to South America. Which country will be our home is yet to be decided. Thank you for sharing your story.
It's all motivational at this point. I've faith that there is a life beyond my little purgatory. I'm like a frozen river that desperately wishes to flow again.

You have done it before, moving from Belarus to Sweden, and you'll do it again.
I wish you all the wisdom and strength needed for your journey and where ever the path may lead you.

Life is not what you plan, it's what happens along the way.

Not meaning you shouldn't have plans or dreams, but they shouldn't be pored in concrete.
Meaning adaptation and creativity are needed to be free, otherwise you'll be stuck chasing dreams.

All the best, good luck, and if you ever need stupid motivational quotes or stories of hilarious failures than just send me a dm.
Please keep us posted on your experiences.

 

[dreamer042]

@northape

I've really enjoyed all your contributions and posts here. Thank you for all the kindness and wisdom you have shared. See ya around.

 

[EmeraldAtomiser]

@northape
That news makes me both happy and sad.
Great to hear you have some clarity and a new direction from it.
It's been great having you around, and all the best for your next chapter.
Journey well, my friend.
Om Namah Shivaya

 

[northape]

This week came and went pretty fast, although at times it felt unending. Even now, I already feel the loneliness and disconnection I wished for. That was my intention, so all is well. I'll let myself be with these feelings and use them to move forward.

Thank you everyone for your warm wishes and encouragement. I feel how much this community really supported me and played such a big role in helping me remain sane. I've checked Nexus more times than necessary during the week, and it's time to go silent for a while...

I was planning to write a whole wall of text about Nexus and more reflections on my path, but in the end it all felt kind of forced. We need to talk from the Heart or remain silent. If anyone saw something of value in my writings, I'll remind you that what you saw already lives in you. I was just a hollow bamboo singing songs not of my creation. Many times I'd reread my posts and think, "Who wrote it?" I could not find the person who thinks that way in myself. So I shift all of the authority to the divine, speaking through the filter known as @northape. We say and do what life demands of us. I hope my little contribution was sincere enough.

In my last ceremony near Shivaratri, I was listening to the Arunachala chant and the words "loving peace" came into my mind. I reflected on them for a while, wondering about the wording. It was not "loving kindness," as in the well-known Buddhist meditation, or "loving awareness," as in the favorite mantra of Ram Dass. I think both kindness and awareness still assume a doer who is kind or aware. Peace, on the other hand, points toward the state where the doer dissolves. This state is filled with love, which like sunlight permeates it - peace sunlit with love. These two are in no way separate, and there is nobody who experiences it.

May we come to know the loving peace of our own Hearts

oṃ shāntiḥ shāntiḥ shāntiḥ

 

[EmeraldAtomiser]

peace sunlit with love.

I'll drink to that.
Ommmmmm

 

[Jamie01]

You are one of my favourite members here northape. I will miss your posts but the world out there is more interesting than the internet so I wish you well on your journey and hope only the best comes your way.

 

[ommani]

You are one of my favourite members here northape. I will miss your posts but the world out there is more interesting than the internet so I wish you well on your journey and hope only the best comes your way.

I share this sentiment, and am feeling stoked on your behalf with regard to your upcoming pilgrimage to India, knowing of your connection to the spirit of that land, and subsequent move to the warmer climate of South America, knowing of your experience with the Nordic cold, and connection to Amazonian plants.

 

[Prima Materia]

Om Shri RAmanAya Namah!

 

[TheGreenPhantom]

Hey man, best of luck on your journey away from the cold confines of the North. I wish you the best in this adventure we call life, and I thank you for your insights on acacia c.

I sometimes think of you and how you once (or maybe a couple times) wrote how you'd like to go to South America and link up with the curanderos there... I hope that's in store for you! There's nothing like being in the forest surrounded by your plant friends!

 

[Tumupasa]

There is no real shift into psychedelic space either. All I see when I use plants is a more loving, open space that is me. It's always here, and plants just relax you into it. There is no separate heavenly place you reach on psychedelics - it's all you. The only real problem we have is our definition of the self and our blind faith that it's the final truth.

I love that, thank you

 

[CosmicRiver]

i'm so sorry i missed the timeframe and my reply will never reach you, but thank you with all my heart

 

[ommani]

i'm so sorry i missed the timeframe and my reply will never reach you, but thank you with all my heart

@northape wrote that he’d be open to checking in, at some point in the future, so your reply may reach him, yet

 

[northape]

So, I'm back. What to say? Life had other plans for me, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not change my situation

I finished my medicine cycle of work roughly a month after my last message. It was quite uneventful in the end, and I was pushed to go live my life by the medicine.
Chacruna basically hid herself, and I saw nothing more of her spirit or any visions for that matter. My highly optimistic outlook started to lose its momentum somewhere there too. I still feel that the direction I was shown is the best way forward for me, but when it can all be manifested in reality is unknown. It feels like these medicines work in a different timeframe apart from our mundane expectations. One thing is certain: I came out of that cycle much saner than I ever was. Yeah, my old bs still comes up, and I have my difficult days, but it's nothing compared to before.

Both my mom's health and mine went downhill after the winter, and it became quite obvious that she could not handle a move abroad. The only solution we could come up with was for her to move back to our home country, and even that was a stretch with all the problems on the border. In the end, our so-called family in Belarus didn't want to help. It's a long, sad story, but the final realization is that we're alone here. They are still giving excuses to this day and trying to save face, but I judge by actions. India & South America are out of the question because my mom can't handle the move. After months of research, I realized that our money would not be enough either. We could've moved within Europe, but I saw no point in the end. We have a well-working life here, and I'll move on anyway when she's gone.

It was a period of sadness, hopelessness, and disillusionment. I was still going back and forth on my decision a month ago, but at some point, it all became quite obvious.
I can't say that I fully accepted it all, and some anger still comes up, but it's manageable at this point. Basically, I can move right now, but over my mom's dead body. I could not make that choice, even if she were okay with it. If I understood something from my medicine use, it is that you need to go with a good mindset, death included. I don't want for her to end up in a dark, lonely spot at the end. I know that it was my last chance for a change, though. My sister could have taken some responsibility too, but that's my karma, I guess. I'm fine with it all. At least my conscience is sound. Here you have it.

 

[Nydex]

So, I'm back. What to say? Life had other plans for me, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not change my situation

I finished my medicine cycle of work roughly a month after my last message. It was quite uneventful in the end, and I was pushed to go live my life by the medicine.
Chacruna basically hid herself, and I saw nothing more of her spirit or any visions for that matter. My highly optimistic outlook started to lose its momentum somewhere there too. I still feel that the direction I was shown is the best way forward for me, but when it can all be manifested in reality is unknown. It feels like these medicines work in a different timeframe apart from our mundane expectations. One thing is certain: I came out of that cycle much saner than I ever was. Yeah, my old bs still comes up, and I have my difficult days, but it's nothing compared to before.

Both my mom's health and mine went downhill after the winter, and it became quite obvious that she could not handle a move abroad. The only solution we could come up with was for her to move back to our home country, and even that was a stretch with all the problems on the border. In the end, our so-called family in Belarus didn't want to help. It's a long, sad story, but the final realization is that we're alone here. They are still giving excuses to this day and trying to save face, but I judge by actions. India & South America are out of the question because my mom can't handle the move. After months of research, I realized that our money would not be enough either. We could've moved within Europe, but I saw no point in the end. We have a well-working life here, and I'll move on anyway when she's gone.

It was a period of sadness, hopelessness, and disillusionment. I was still going back and forth on my decision a month ago, but at some point, it all became quite obvious.
I can't say that I fully accepted it all, and some anger still comes up, but it's manageable at this point. Basically, I can move right now, but over my mom's dead body. I could not make that choice, even if she were okay with it. If I understood something from my medicine use, it is that you need to go with a good mindset, death included. I don't want for her to end up in a dark, lonely spot at the end. I know that it was my last chance for a change, though. My sister could have taken some responsibility too, but that's my karma, I guess. I'm fine with it all. At least my conscience is sound. Here you have it.

I'm so happy to see your name pop back up on the forum. It seems like life has other plans for you. I'm sorry you went through all this disappointment and challenging realizations. That's how it goes sometimes.

I admire your choice of responsibility to stay behind with your mom and be with her instead of prioritizing your own comfort. You're a kind, beautiful soul.

You can always reach out to me and talk if you feel the need, I'm gonna be there for you.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Your return is bitter sweet in that you are someone I care about and want the best for, so while you're back (yay!), I am sad to hear about your trials and tribulations (boo!).

One love

 

[Animistic]

I'm sorry to hear of the challenges you've faced at the moment. I know in my own family similar challenges have been experienced and it can be a whirlwind of emotions and no real support. The twists and turns of life eh?

I missed your departure but when I was finally able to relogin I was sad to read your departure but excited for you, now I am excited for us and sad for you. You're a good man to care for your mum. Having looked after my Nan for a few years before she died I am so glad to have done so, despite the sacrifices at the time.