TeaDaze
truth is a pathless land
Last week my new GVG arrived. Excited to give it a try, Friday I began experimenting. I went in three times. First, I started with 20mg. A few hours later again at 30. Both were sub-breakthrough but amazing and immersive nonetheless.
Again, a few hours after the last I wanted to make another attempt. I really wanted to break through (hasn't happened yet), so I loaded 40mg. I don't know which was the mistake: The dose size or making multiple attempts in one day, or both. I hit it and it felt quite harsh all going in. It hit pretty hard too. The room looked absurd and beautiful but it was clear I was wasn't going anywhere.
I closed my eyes and it began like every other experience: visuals exploded into my view like a toy jack-in-the-box opening. It was all incredibly beautiful but I knew immediately something was different. What I saw felt wicked. No love or concern for me. It felt like its only purpose was to make me squirm and suffer to show me who was in charge. I was never in pain, but the emotional and physical discomfit was very intense. It almost felt like it was dissecting my mind and pealing it away. Some of the sensations were almost like receiving paper cuts. I vividly recall at one point feeling like my teeth were shattering, and in my vision the bits of my teeth were becoming adornments in the beautiful geometry that was moving about. It just felt cruel.
Emerging from this I felt like I had been betrayed and abandoned by all the loving experiences prior- tricked even. I also felt quite sad that this happened while trying to venture deeper. It very much felt like a smackdown. It was an eye opener that not every experience would feel loving. In retrospect, I would have been more surprised if every experience was loving. I know from stories here as well as my experiences with other psychedelics that just isn't how it works- it just hadn't happened to me yet with DMT.
With some time the intensity of the experience evaporated and I was able to think about it rationally. Thoughts:
* Bad roll of the dice. I've always felt that there's an element of randomness with psychedelics that is independent of intentions, mindset, setting, etc.
* I pushed too hard to break through and something on the other end (my mind, or otherwise) said no, and made sure I understood it was not up to me.
* I dosed too high.
* My mind was tired/fatigued from the previous trips and I was simply going too fast. Need to slow down.
Anyway, thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Although I felt defeated at the time, it has by no means frightened me away. I do, however, want to proceed with a bit more caution.
Again, a few hours after the last I wanted to make another attempt. I really wanted to break through (hasn't happened yet), so I loaded 40mg. I don't know which was the mistake: The dose size or making multiple attempts in one day, or both. I hit it and it felt quite harsh all going in. It hit pretty hard too. The room looked absurd and beautiful but it was clear I was wasn't going anywhere.
I closed my eyes and it began like every other experience: visuals exploded into my view like a toy jack-in-the-box opening. It was all incredibly beautiful but I knew immediately something was different. What I saw felt wicked. No love or concern for me. It felt like its only purpose was to make me squirm and suffer to show me who was in charge. I was never in pain, but the emotional and physical discomfit was very intense. It almost felt like it was dissecting my mind and pealing it away. Some of the sensations were almost like receiving paper cuts. I vividly recall at one point feeling like my teeth were shattering, and in my vision the bits of my teeth were becoming adornments in the beautiful geometry that was moving about. It just felt cruel.
Emerging from this I felt like I had been betrayed and abandoned by all the loving experiences prior- tricked even. I also felt quite sad that this happened while trying to venture deeper. It very much felt like a smackdown. It was an eye opener that not every experience would feel loving. In retrospect, I would have been more surprised if every experience was loving. I know from stories here as well as my experiences with other psychedelics that just isn't how it works- it just hadn't happened to me yet with DMT.
With some time the intensity of the experience evaporated and I was able to think about it rationally. Thoughts:
* Bad roll of the dice. I've always felt that there's an element of randomness with psychedelics that is independent of intentions, mindset, setting, etc.
* I pushed too hard to break through and something on the other end (my mind, or otherwise) said no, and made sure I understood it was not up to me.
* I dosed too high.
* My mind was tired/fatigued from the previous trips and I was simply going too fast. Need to slow down.
Anyway, thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Although I felt defeated at the time, it has by no means frightened me away. I do, however, want to proceed with a bit more caution.