Greetings fellow voyagers

[cmo999]

Hi I am cmo pronounced C-Mo like Simone.

I first took LSD when I was 13, and had an extremely intense and terrifying experience that I was not at all prepared for. But, in spite of that, I found it to be seductive and intriguing and wanted to repeat the experience.

Since then I have taken LSD dozens of time, but I have only had 2 other ego-death experiences from it. (I'm 33 now BTW). Most of the times I took it were not that intense.

I also have used salvia a few times, and Gopo. Many ketamine experiences. I've taken mushrooms by the half ounce before, but have never been able to have a breakthrough experience from them for some reason. I suppose I wasn't ready for it at the time, and also probably because I was combining them with a lot of alcohol and cocaine which I now know are antithetical to the experience.

I was very reckless and impulsive with my drug and alcohol abuse for many years, but I've calmed down in the last few years and taken a more healthy path. Now I am only interested in psychedelics, and that even reluctantly.

Recently I have acquired a supply of DMT, but I'm hesitant to use it. So far I have only taken small doses, enough to give me a grid of color buzzing through my perception but little more.

The one time recently when I decided that I was ready to have a breakthrough experience, I started by smoking a small amount, then gradually had more and more, and found that it did not work. Then, I researched and found that like LSD, DMT builds tolerance very fast. I think that is what happened, and why it didn't work.

Soon I'm going to try again. In the meantime I have enjoyed reading from many of the topics in this forum, I can see that it is a mature and sophisticated level of conversation.


I'm very cautious because I've seen hell, literally. (a state I would describe as hell anyways). During the peak of my self abusive years, I went lower and more depraved than I had ever gone before, into the realm of malice and perversion.

I often had OOBE when sleeping, where I would fly around in different places, feeling very awake but completely unaware of my body. I was in one such state, flying around in some dark clouds with an ominous windy sound, when I saw a manifestation of someone whom I had malice for and chased it. It let me to a big spirit that totally overpowered me, manifested in the form of an indigenous man with dredlocks whose face was turned away from me. I was held there in terror, and could not move for a while, then I came back to my body finally.

After that had happened, things changed drastically. I was unable to have the same OOBE's, even now they are unavailable to me, and for a time after that, every time I went to sleep I got into this state where I was out of my body, feeling like my environment was moving very fast and violently and scraping against me and I had to struggle to not be torn apart, but at the same time I was extremely exhausted - it was the worst experience I could imagine, because you know that there is NO ESCAPE - you WILL get tired and fall asleep and come back here, I had the sense that even if I died I would go back there - it was absolute existential terror. I could not just relax and go to a different place, if i tried to relax the violence of the environment would assault me and it was physically painful! This lasted for about a week, and I sometimes still have a fear that I might go back there.


Sorry for the long rant.. just wanted to explain why I am reluctant to take psychedelics!!

Glad to be here.

 

[hopefull]

You've taken mushrooms by the half ounce and didn't have a breakthrough?! That's insane. You must have some crazy natural shroom tolerance.

 

[cmo999]

Well I was extremely depressed that night, I had just lost my job. I was already drunk before I took the mushrooms and I downed them with straight vodka. The colors were really intense and my body was numb, but I wouldn't call it a break through experience. It was intense.

Not a nice thing to talk about. But no, I've never been able to have a breakthrough experience with mushrooms. I think if I did them now I might be able to, now that I'm more balanced and not so ridden with depression and self loathing. I have a supply, I'll try to when I think I'm ready.

 

[expandaneum]

I was very reckless and impulsive with my drug and alcohol abuse for many years, but I've calmed down in the last few years and taken a more healthy path. Now I am only interested in psychedelics, and that even reluctantly.

it sounds to me that your on doubt, so why do you want to try a new drug, ther is no need for that.

 

[cmo999]

I don't understand what you mean. I'm on doubt? What do you think I am doubting? And these are not new drugs to me. I have tried these drugs before, just not since I found my way and got onto a healthy path.

My reason for wanting to try these drugs again are very personal; part of it is relating to things that I experienced on the 3 times that I did have breakthrough experiences when I was younger. Aside from that I have the same reasons as anyone, I would think, such as questioning the human condition, curiosity, desire for insight, thirst for novelty, a tendency towards progression, and so on.

I think I explained enough my reasons for the reluctance and respect that I have for psychedelics. Because I know what is possible on the extreme negative spectrum of experience. I've also glimpsed the extreme positive spectrum of experience.

 

[cmo999]

I have used Salvia extract several times in the last year, but that is just too overwhelming. I can't really take anything from an experience like that.

For some reason, every time I try Salvia, I have this feeling like I need to hide for my life, and that I am running from something. Exactly what I am running from, and who or what I am hiding from, are unclear. I tried writing in my diary all of the things that I'm ashamed or embarrassed about, and all of the things I have done that could be considered bad or unsavory. A full written confession of everything. My plan is, to read over that, and contemplate everything that it is that I could possibly feel that I need to hide, and accepting myself fully in all my flaws. Then try Salvia again, with that in my mind. Will I still feel the terror of needing to hide for my life?

I haven't tried it this way yet, but that's what I'll try next time I do it.


Has anyone else had that feeling of sheer terror on Salvia, that you must run and hide from.. something? That your life depends on not being exposed?

It could be social barriers. I used Gopo by myself a few times, and I always went to the same place of feeling extremely territorial and boxed in with hostility. I tried it again while talking with some friends on Skype, and I found that just talking to someone that I trust pulled me right out of that and into a more free flowing experience. Maybe the thing with Salvia is something similar, although it would be impossible to talk with someone like that while in that state.

 

[darklordsson]

Yeah salvia sucks, first and last time i tried it, it felt like i got hit in the back of the head witha baseball bat after i put the bong down and the walls curled up twards the ceiling and i could see behind them, i thought to myself this must be what a coma is like and that freaked me out thought i was never gonna wake up, or be the same, but LSD Mushys an DMT all have a very special place in my heart, all three have changed me for the better, not terrifying experiences but internal reflections on my setting, some were very uncomforatble but i had to go through them. They would give me a mental state that would give me insight to big problems when i need to adress them, its more like brain food for me than anything else, but its just my opinion. I would jus stick to these, thats what i found for myself at least and they never let me down:thumb_up:

 

[cmo999]

I appreciate what you're saying, and report similar experience. At the same time, the same spirit in me that caused me to want to continue to pursue the LSD experience, even though it was overwhelming and traumatic to me, also makes me wonder about the Salvia experience. When I use Salvia it always feels like there is something pulling on me, and there is some unavoidable reason why I must resist this pulling, and that is what creates the nightmarish experience. I can't help but wonder, what would happen if I were somehow able to surrender to that pull, to embrace it and let it take me where it will? I am so curious about what that would be like, that it drives me to consider ways of coping with the Salvia experience, as outlined in my last post, rather than leave it behind like a sane person probably would.

My impression is that, if I were to use Salvia in plant form and build myself up by degrees, that it would take me along a path of self reflection and learning that would become gradually more in depth and intense as I progressed. But because the only way that I could acquire Salvia was in an extract which is highly condensed, that I was unable to feel my way into it like I should have, but rather it was thrust upon me violently. Not the best way to experience growth. Still I can't stop wondering. Like the Pink Floyd song, "Learning To Fly", where it says: "Can't keep my eye from the circling sky, tongue tied twisted just an earth bound misfit I".

There are 2 bands in particular that I have always found go hand-in-hand with psychedelics. They are: Pink Floyd and Skinny Puppy.

 

[Dualizer]

Hey man. Im kinda new here myself. Maybe the mushies you ate were dried at too high of a temp? Idk anyway good to meet you. Sounds like youve got some experiences under your belt. Im trying to figure out how to post/reply to more posts as of late. I wanna contribute more and ive learned alot that I would love to share with the community. Had and shared some magical moments with friends and my lover I cant wait to post. Again, welcome and may your path lead you to love and light

 

[Continuum]

Hi Cmo, welcome to the Nexus.

It sounds like you have an interesting road ahead of you, and maybe some personal history to process and let go of on your way. No reason to stop moving forward, for sure, but definitely reason to move slowly and consciously, working to root out, process, and ultimately release any negativity you've stored up. Working through that stuff outside of the psychedelic experience should help you find a place where you are comfortable to let go. Myself and other have been through it and are here to support you in your path.

Also, just a point I noticed, DMT does not significantly develop tolerance. You do need to get your full does in during a short window, maybe 30-60 seconds, to get where it can take you.

See you around!

 

[cmo999]

Thanks Continuum! That's exactly what I was hoping for when I signed on to this forum. It's very helpful to know that others are also experimenting with these realities, and being able to connect with such people.

 

[cmo999]

>Also, just a point I noticed, DMT does not significantly develop tolerance. You do need to >get your full does in during a short window, maybe 30-60 seconds, to get where it can take >you.


That's what I mean by tolerance. If you take 1 hit of LSD, then the next day you will have to take 2 hits to get the same effect, etc. The tolerance builds up really fast, but also declines really fast - after a few days or a week at most, you will be back to base level tolerance and able to get the same effects from 1 hit again.

DMT, I believe, is similar on a relative scale. Considering how long the effects of LSD last compared to how long the effects of DMT last, I believe the tolerance goes up as fast and leaves as fast in relation to the length of the experience. Meaning that tolerance will build up within 30-60 seconds, as you say, but then be gone and back to base level tolerance within, I would guess, around an hour or so.

 

[cmo999]

About half an hour ago I tried DMT. I used a speed-pipe that I recently bought from the tobacco store at the mall by my house to smoke it, and got a good lung full but not quite enough for a full breakthrough.

What happened was quite interesting. Me and my mind were taken through a complete tour of my existence, from the physical layer to the deepest recesses of my mundane existence. I did not experience ego-death or transcend the space-time limit, but I was taken on a full examination of everything that is me. I have to be aware. If I am having a moment of self discovery and finding a part of myself that I was not previously consciously aware of, it will prevent me from making a break through, or throw me into a pattern that I will be stuck in - especially if it is something that is unpleasant to deal with - and cause a struggle that will affect the trip. I did this to prepare myself, for leaving this reality - temporarily - to explore the unknown. I believe that next time I try it, I will break the space-time barrier and be thrown into DMT hyperspace.

 

[cmo999]

This is a test to see if my Tag fits better now, I changed it because it was too long - too many 9's.

 

[cmo999]

Hmmm didn't work

 

[anrchy]

you dont have to repost to see changes, just simply reload a page where you have posted.

 

[cmo999]

I have tried to smoke DMT several times, but I have not been able to have what I call a breakthrough experience. What happens when I smoke it, is a bright flashlight is turned on, so bright that it illuminates the whole inside of my skull, and I feel very exposed for a couple of minutes. Before I reached a level of self awareness and self acceptance, this would be an unpleasant experience, but now that I am past my self loathing, more self aware and accepting and loving of myself, it's not unpleasant anymore but it only can go so far.

I think that it is dose related, I have held back somewhat out of apprehension. Or, it could be related to the purity of the substance, or the method I use - which is a small speed pipe I found at the smoke store at the mall, the type of pipe that would be used to smoke meth amphetamines.


When I got DMT before, it was an ear-wax like substance, it matched the way Terrence Mckenna describes the way it looks. What I have now, is a dark brown viscous liquid. It tasted kind of the same, but I don't think it is as potent.


Can anyone relate to this at all? Have you been unable to have a breakthrough from normal daily existence and experience of self?
Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I take these cautious steps towards whatever it may be I find when the ground finally cracks open under me.

 

[cmo999]

It's been a while now. I still have not taken the plunge.

I will know when the time is right. When I am ready, I will have no hesitation.

I'm sure of it.


I realized that something I lacked for many years, and was looking for within the psychedelic experience, was misguided.. Sober reflection. Sober reflection is the cornerstone of stability; those moments of clarity when you map out the road ahead of you. This is more important than the psychedelic experience, and that is what I was missing for a long time. That may sound juvenile, and obvious, but I kept myself in a haze for too long and became this obsessive neurotic person.

 

[dimensional ONE]

Yeah salvia sucks, first and last time i tried it, it felt like i got hit in the back of the head witha baseball bat after i put the bong down and the walls curled up twards the ceiling and i could see behind them

lmao...perfect description of salvia...i couldnt move