Hello, hi!
I'm a seeker across modalities and after a couple of really hard psychedelic experiences in ceremony I took about a 3 year break. It's really taken me so long to integrate the mostly terrifying and repeated themes blasted into my psyche (via various substances) which has just about convinced me of my repeated vision.
Recently I [found myself in posession of] a DMT cartridge vape (low dose) and disposable (triple strength - apparently capable of providing a break through experience) in preparation for a quiet time week-long getaway I have booked for myself after a stressful work project has closed out.
I decided to sample the low dose vape at home and was unsettled to find a repetition of the same scary vision and heavy feelings even at low dosage.
The last ceremony I did was a one-on-one bufo facilitation which really scared the shit out of me. I don't know if I experienced breakthrough. Would I definitely know for sure? It was really intense but I was conscious throughout, in and out and aware of the facilitator in the room. I was grateful for it to be over. I was really rattled afterwards.
Over the last 3 years I have done a lot of work on myself and felt strong, positive and ready to try again but it seems I've given myself "The Fear". That or I really am a bad spirit locked in a specially designed punishment realm where the hope of progressing out as a person/spirit is actually the sticky bait - and - when I merge with these molecules the entire cosmos is standing ready with double fuck you damnation middle fingers reminding me that I will never deserve relief and to not even try to escape. The incredible weight and repetition of that experience is making me wonder if proceeding is worthwhile.
I have quite a low tolerance in general and in my bufo experience the facilitator said she dosed me accordingly (65%) but other experienced people said that with anxious people who tend to struggle to let go that blasting them across is better.
I am very scared of what that could be like given how hard the 65% experience was. I've read great posts where members have perfectly described the lightning speed cascade of things that can set you down a negative path because of how jarring the entry is. It felt validating to read.
Having the same visuals and themes across high doses of psilocybin, mescaline and DMT makes me think there is value in working with this vicious internal judgement that seems to line my cells but I don't know if I have the balls or skillset to support my own journey.
Where I live, the medicine culture is so fake and performative and I haven't yet found a facilitator that I feel can really provide a safe container. The best experiences I have had were always alone where I didn't have to worry about how I was being perceived. Letting go of not feeling great afterwards for the sake of the facilitator is difficult for me. Always such a hard time. A lot of really deep shit which I think is hard for me to really share.
I don't want to put myself in any sort of psychological danger. Thank you for this wonderful resource. I'm definitely not going to be [messing] with the triple strength vape until I've read more and connected with some other people who might have struggled in the same way.
I'm a seeker across modalities and after a couple of really hard psychedelic experiences in ceremony I took about a 3 year break. It's really taken me so long to integrate the mostly terrifying and repeated themes blasted into my psyche (via various substances) which has just about convinced me of my repeated vision.
Recently I [found myself in posession of] a DMT cartridge vape (low dose) and disposable (triple strength - apparently capable of providing a break through experience) in preparation for a quiet time week-long getaway I have booked for myself after a stressful work project has closed out.
I decided to sample the low dose vape at home and was unsettled to find a repetition of the same scary vision and heavy feelings even at low dosage.
The last ceremony I did was a one-on-one bufo facilitation which really scared the shit out of me. I don't know if I experienced breakthrough. Would I definitely know for sure? It was really intense but I was conscious throughout, in and out and aware of the facilitator in the room. I was grateful for it to be over. I was really rattled afterwards.
Over the last 3 years I have done a lot of work on myself and felt strong, positive and ready to try again but it seems I've given myself "The Fear". That or I really am a bad spirit locked in a specially designed punishment realm where the hope of progressing out as a person/spirit is actually the sticky bait - and - when I merge with these molecules the entire cosmos is standing ready with double fuck you damnation middle fingers reminding me that I will never deserve relief and to not even try to escape. The incredible weight and repetition of that experience is making me wonder if proceeding is worthwhile.
I have quite a low tolerance in general and in my bufo experience the facilitator said she dosed me accordingly (65%) but other experienced people said that with anxious people who tend to struggle to let go that blasting them across is better.
I am very scared of what that could be like given how hard the 65% experience was. I've read great posts where members have perfectly described the lightning speed cascade of things that can set you down a negative path because of how jarring the entry is. It felt validating to read.
Having the same visuals and themes across high doses of psilocybin, mescaline and DMT makes me think there is value in working with this vicious internal judgement that seems to line my cells but I don't know if I have the balls or skillset to support my own journey.
Where I live, the medicine culture is so fake and performative and I haven't yet found a facilitator that I feel can really provide a safe container. The best experiences I have had were always alone where I didn't have to worry about how I was being perceived. Letting go of not feeling great afterwards for the sake of the facilitator is difficult for me. Always such a hard time. A lot of really deep shit which I think is hard for me to really share.
I don't want to put myself in any sort of psychological danger. Thank you for this wonderful resource. I'm definitely not going to be [messing] with the triple strength vape until I've read more and connected with some other people who might have struggled in the same way.
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