Jbark,
I have heavily quoted you because I need your words to explain what I couldn't. Even though only a few will ever feel what you have said. Your post should be in the DMT resuscitation hand book. Just relating to another person like that has soothed me greatly.
jbark said:
I was like this too, but when an experience like this happens Its not on the list of things you can imagine that pertain to earth fears. The thought of being erased or never actually being is uncomprehending, and its not even a thought, you actually live it.
jbark said:
Thrust into the maelstrom and stripped so profoundly of the impression that « I am » and that I exist, that whatever is left of me is thoroughly convinced that all I believed I had experienced, up to now, reveals itself, like a dagger through the heart of the mind, as an elaborate illusion to which I shall never return. Worse than cessation, more painful than the thought of death is the realization that you NEVER WERE… (note : I have, in my clearer moments, accepted my death and have faced it numerous times with other materials, but this, as with my experiences with salvia, was of an order more disturbing, to say the least…)
You wrote this better than I could even say it. I don't think I have read a sentence I have related to so much ever. Its as if we had the same exact experience.
jbark said:
Maybe my mind is not constructed for the use of these substances…)
When I was almost out that's exactly what I said to myself.
jbark said:
A loop - endless inexorable recursion… I sit up and then fall back into a cartoon abyss of colours and Saturday Saturday Saturday… Endless eternal indomitable recursion, an irremediable feedback loop (note : curiously I have always maintained that video/audio feedback loops are the face/voice of god…) – consciousness itself ? Am I at the root of the Hofstadter loop? The MandelThought ? The firmware of my mind ? Is this a breakthrough, pure and horrifying ? Have I disabled the illusion, unbuilt the edifice of « consensual reality » to get down to the base, most reptilian and ancient form of simple consciousness – a terrifying self-referential eternal loop of non-being ? or un-being ? the horror…
I had a loop "endless inexorable recursion" I am in astonishment that someone else has written these words. It is as if you where there.
jbark said:
The universe and our consciousness (common and universal or not) is neither good nor evil nor ambivalent, but rather profoundly indifferent, and as neutral as any void can be. I feel this more than I know it.
Precisely.Precisely.Precisely.
jbark said:
I realize I am no more than a raw ego-less nerve of consciousness, subjected to a nonsensical and arbitrary string of luminescent and aural detritus. (Note : I meant during the trip, but the cynic in me supposes this could be applied to everyday living…)
It felt about as spiritual as a kitchen knife excoriation. I can only conclude that the spiritual aspect of this substance lies in the interpretation of the experience - but that contradicts my very understanding of spirituality as something felt not thought. I don’t…
In this first paragraph I felt this tremendously as I was being torn from that existence/none existence to this previous one. An the second paragraph is bang on. It is not spiritual it was indemonstrably intelligent and unfathomably complex...I mean how do you come back to all you have known and live the rest of your life, after seeing/being involved with that.
jbark said:
I enjoy challenges, but this seems insurmountable, an unassailable task of back and forth and down down down through a self-perpetuating, Sisyphean recursive loop, like a perpetual motion ride past the far reaches of sanity… Where is the value in this ? What wisdom is to be had that cannot otherwise be gleaned ?
This is what I was explaining to other members, there was no lesson. I went out too far. Though as I read you post I am learning something.
jbark said:
Did you find the answer to this?
The main part for me, and I still now keep flickering back to that moment was how can this be my reality. I lived an alternative reality not even in the same humanoid kind of way for a lllong time, then all of a sudden being pulled out of it slowly by you sitters. "HOW can this be possible" my entire reality was fake I'm thinking. And that's when I am coming to this reality from that one. I cant exclaim how devastating that is, and seeing how small this existence is. And its definitely going to happen again weather I smoke or not because we all have to die, then my reality changes again.
Jbark, Care to share you thoughts on what happens after death, you must have thought about it after this. Do we have to pass through that to get where were going, do we go into to that(what do I mean by that its not a that), is this it, could we get stuck in that loop...

. Is seems we have had the same overdose with an attached mandatory experience. witch in its self is beyond belief, for another person to be able to relate to this. Well if anything is beyond belief. Thank you so much for posting.