Habits

[The Black Cat]

Hello,

Ganesha made this possible

I too have been lurking in the nexus for a long time. I have spent what feels like 100's of hours reading and rereading posts. It give me profound relief that sometimes come in goosebumps and tears at what I read. The integrity and respect that so many members have regarding the topics and intentions of the moderators surprises me as it evolves. THANK YOU for this space.

I have always had a unexplainable passion for psychedelics that has many times bordered on obsession. Life can be very difficult when faced with such a biological imperative that we are not free to explore and understand. Our society makes it illegal and calls us abusers. The self image made worse by criminalizing this spiritual mandate. All has definitely taken it's toll on me and scars to prove.

I have more experience than I care to acknowledge regarding drugs and psychedelics. I guess what I would like you to know is that mushrooms would not work on me. At least not until various factors came into alignment in my late 20's. Before that I would try mushrooms but they would never do anything form me other than a stomach ache. So many times I thought I was ripped off but my friends would always resembling beached jellyfish. While my friends would be tripping hard I often was grinding my teeth out of frustration. This affected me so much that I became obsessed with experiencing mushrooms. This guided me through college where I took several pharmacology classes. A few years later I was working in a Native American hospital which proved to be the right setting for me move deeper. This was many years ago when the net was in it's infancy. Somehow while working in this hospital I started taking ayahuasca. It did not work either in the way one might expect. I was taking it several times a month for many months and in between I was taking high levels of b.caapi and or rue with mushrooms. This went on several months before I had my breakthrough. When I did have the breakthrough the effects lasted for three months. It took me about two weeks of learning to cope before I could go back to work. Over all it was the best experience of my life and definitely affected my work performance. I instantly become profoundly more empathetic and compassionate as far as my patients and coworkers went. People did notice there was something different about me. However it never became much of a issue because the aya was protecting me.

It was as if I was locked into a deep state of meditation in which I would have to pull myself out of in order to interact with other people. I could sense what people were think and feeling about me before they were clear on it. This also meant I could affect them remotely as well as my patients. After three months I had to push it back and ask it to go away because I was not normal. It had been three months since I laughed. When I was humbly asking it to move on I asked how could I interact with it again and dinosaur tracks appeared through the parking lot.

Life was great for several years. I had integrated much of that experience and it was still a driving force in my life. To this day I think about it with every single breath I take. As it has happened with many here I have not had a supportive community to help me continue the work. The last few years have been filled with pain and sadness. Even though I have caring and loving people in my life they still don't understand these things that affect us(Nexans) so deeply and eternally.

With gratitude for this space and all things that "matter" to you all.

THANK YOU Ganesha

 

[Spiralout]

Ok this clears up some of the things i adked you in the other thread, sorry about that. So when you say you finally broke through, did the other encounters have any noticable effect on you at all?

I have had the same expierence you have with reading into people's psyche and for me almost being able willfully project emotions or ideas. This has gone on off and on for about a year and half. After taking a high dose of either mushrooms or dmt with an maoi , or shrooms with an maoi at a concert, this reached a tipping point. I had never had such a strong experience and it shocked me and left me in awe. I will try to write a full report on it sometime.

The next morning outside the hotel room i stayed in that night (with a bunch of people i had met at the concert who ended up essentially "trip sitting" for me) it was as if i was projecting my emotions in such a way that not only was the whole group i was talking with seeming to go with my "flow" but even the people hanging outside the neighboring hotel rooms (all rented out by the showgoers, very heady people) seemed to be reading me.

Idk if that makes any sense but yeah, im still goimg thru alot. That experience gave me some confidence that i could really change because i felt like i was dieing most of the time and was just so grateful to be alive.

 

[The Black Cat]

Copied from another thread

Sure, I was motivated to post my intro because I did not want to distract this thread.

As far as different herbs, I need a little time to remember and articulate completely. I had started working at a Native American hospital. This hospital had open arms to tribal medicine men. The entire medical staff would welcome these Medicine People to work along side the doctors and hospital staff. It was a completely new experience for me. I was learning from the locals about different plants and would try them under their guidance. I will make some phone calls and get the names of the plants.

One important thing that I contribute to the extended "trip" was shortly after I arrived on the rez is that I was devastated by the death of someone very very close to me. The emotional experience is indescribable. This I could not cope with. The whole town new I was not coping. After about two weeks of walking around like a zombie or crying uncontrollably they acted on it. About 5 am at the end of a night shift two men grabbed me, very gently guided me off campus to a sweat lodge. It was there they introduced me to a magical drink of peyote and other herbs. What followed cured me of the despair I was feeling but the sadness has never left or diminished.

The brainwaves:
Beta-12-30 Hz= random uncontrollable thoughts. Pleasures of the flesh
Alpha 7.5-12 Hz= awareness of emotions and feeling of other life. Necessary for cognitive healing
Theta 4-7.5 Hz= the Spirit World. Necessary for emotional healing
Delta <4 Hz= Realm of the Shaman. Necessary for physical healing

Having a relationship with Ayahuasca and her relatives increases ones capacity for empathy because the Earth needs us to grow this way in order for the Earth to heal. This is inconvenient to Western society. And, people prey on this. When the Third Eye opens and when it closes one will remember it's opening and this has a permanent impact on the intuitive abilities. No matter the brainwaves vibration. What is important is that if one is intuitive and does not meditate/pray things start to go FUBAR. AND, I constantly struggle to take my own advise.

I am sort of fimding myself right now and I feel like this is a temporary stage for me. I am realizing how "wrong" i have lived my life thus far and starting to cope with and actually say, yes i did these things wrong, but i can choose not to do them again and realize they are not me. The past is the past. Life is a long strange journey and i feel like so much has changed for me over the past year.

I have done things wrong and my good intentions have hurt people. Like you said, I am not my traumas or my dramas. Atonement is promised to those who can acknowledge their transgressions and have them witnessed by another being. That being could be a friend, a dog, a cat or even a tree.

Our greatest wound is our greatest gift.

 

[Spiralout]

Very interesting post, thanks alot man. I am working on trying to discipline myself more and stay on the straightened arrow so to speak. After developing habits of thinking a certain way it is sometimes hard to break them . For me I have to constantly remind myself that everything is ok and i dont need amymore than i actually NEED. This is very hard for me to do in this culture. Honestly the ignorance gets me upset alot and that is almost what makes me think bad shit.

Its like peoples ignorance makes me cynical and in turn makes me think to just use people since they are clueless in my opinion. But this makes me a part of the problem and honestly only happens out of habit now. I feel like the need to get money for opiates only compounded this problem for me, and the fact that opiates made me completley unempathetic made it so much easier to act and think like that. Its like i could just focus on opiates and not have to worry about anyone else. I really feel like i didnt have this problem before using opiates.

If you have any suggestions on how to help break these habits or ways of thinking that would be great. I should really just start a post, ughhh,im gunna have to find a way to use a keyboard.

 

[The Black Cat]

Spractal,

I struggled a long time with opiates including methadone. I know very well much of the depth to your struggle.

I do have some diamonds of suggestions to pass to you to help you be victorious with the clutch of opiates. It would not work for me to just tell them to you, I will help guide you to them though.

First though, we need to set a little more context if you are willing. Remember the end of my last post? Our greatest wound is our greatest gift. It is possible that your dramas associated with opiates could turn on a dime and become your(and the Great Spirit, infinite intelligence, whatever) most powerful empowering ally and be a tool for healing. There is a emotional component to the "addiction" that needs to used consciously to feed on rather than be unconsciously uncontrollably compelled by to pursue feeding our addiction.

Over a short period of time I will ask you some difficult questions. Please do not feel the need to answer if you don't feel safe to. The most important part is to be honest. Many eyes are watching you in a benevolent way. These questions will serve as the force and trajectory of your straightened arrow so to speak.

I need to take care of some logistical issues right now but wanted to keep the conversation going.

 

[The Traveler]

I've moved the posts of both of you to this new thread since they were distracting from the main thread.

Next time please either use PM or make your own thread.


Kind regards,

The Traveler

 

[The Black Cat]

I've moved the posts of both of you to this new thread since they were distracting from the main thread.

Next time please either use PM or make your own thread.


Kind regards,

The Traveler

Traveler- This originally was my Intro Essay. I was happy and inspired when it was merged the first time today to the Ganesha DMT Initiator thread. Now it has been moved for a second time.

Thanks for bringing order to chaos