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Hello from the matrix

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5r

5r

Rising Star
It feels like I make the wrong decisions most of the time every day. The details of my life and decisions don't particularly matter, though. What I'm trying to get across is the pattern.

I'm suffering. On paper, I have a great life. But I suffer from this weird cycle of social anxiety, indecisiveness and procrastination like nothing I've ever heard of in another person. Even though I can see myself doing it, and explain to myself what I'm doing wrong, it's still so fucking difficult to change.

I've really come to dislike myself. Sometimes it manifests in some odd ways. I'll just catch myself saying "I want to die" out loud. It happens reflexively, almost like a form of tourrettes. I don't even mean it when I say it. It just comes out. I don't want to die. But I say it to myself, often on a daily basis. "I hate myself."

I numb the pain by distracting myself. When I numb the pain, I prolong the suffering. I've gotten used to the suffering, but suffering for a long period of time eventually makes the pain hurt worse. And I'm sure it's taken its toll in other ways, in the form of stress if nothing else. I can't just distract myself forever. I know the only way to get through the suffering is to just face the pain. The alternative is to give in to the momentum, which looks unsustainable to me.

I create my own unhappiness. The sink is full of dishes, which keeps me from cooking. I don't want to wash the dishes. So I don't. But if I just turned that part of my mind off and let myself wash the dishes, everything would get better in a matter of minutes. It takes days before I can start sometimes.

If I could sit down at my computer and actually do my job, which is pretty easy, everything would be better in a matter of hours. It doesn't take long to make significant progress in what I have to do. But I don't want to sit there and do that. So I don't. I avoid my job because it hurts to think about work. But I create problems with my boss because I avoid my job.

I know all of these things. I know how easy it is to change. You just do it. But for some reason I can't make myself do it. I've been struggling with this for years. I've always felt like I just can't make myself do things. It's gone alright so far, I guess. But I hate myself for it. I feel like I don't deserve to be where I am and I feel like it's only a matter of time until I get the rug pulled out from under me. I feel like I'm in for a rude awakening if things keep going this way. I can see it coming. But it's so fucking hard to change.

Does anyone else deal with this issue?

I hate it. I create so much suffering for myself and I can't seem to stop the momentum. I try so hard every day to change and no matter how hard I try, no matter what progress I make, I feel like I'm locked into a pattern that borders on self-sabotage.

---

Ha. So... hi. I always feel awkward with introductions, something just feels formal about them. So I wanted to use the anonymity to just be honest and explain one of the facets of myself that's brought me here. Let that be my introduction.

I've been inspired to pursue the psychedelic path for about a year now, but so far have only dipped my toes in the water. So, if the mindset I describe above raises flags for you, just know that it does for me as well. I'm taking the time to educate myself, taking it low and slow. I prefer to do most things from scratch, anyway. Learning about the process always gives me a greater appreciation for a thing, and it gives me time to cultivate a relationship with the entheogens.

Up until recently, I scoffed at any and all uses of the word 'spiritual.' I still have my skepticism, but through exploring this area I'm coming to redefine the concept of spirituality for myself. I see entheogens potentially as allies in developing and exploring this part of my life.

I've got a lot of work to do. I was drawn here because this is a community of thoughtful people. I like the breadth and quality of discussion; you can see there's a sense of community here. It's nice to see so many people who are articulate and passionate about such a fascinating and mysterious part of life. I'd like my journey into this domain to be careful, healing, consciousness expanding, inspirational, and all the things I have yet to think to say... so, hello for now. It's nice to "meet" you.
 
5r, you got it figured out very well. maybe i got a puzzle piece for you:

check out the no fap challenge.

it might be that your lack of drive comes from overdoing porn.

and even if not, try to harness your sex drive. you can get tremendous energy from that.

good luck!
 
Welcome SR! I personally have suffered from the same problem all my life, though in the last year I've managed to break out of the cycle and just be myself without getting in my own way and pushing myself to do thing I don't always want to do. It took me some pretty deep trips to where I reset my whole brain it felt like. But in reality I could have come to the same realizations sober and did in some ways, but I didn't really feel them and feel motivated by them until after some profound spiritual experiences with DMT and LSD. I am not trying to say that this is what you should do, just that it's possible to change completely and do a 180. One of the things that really helped me that I would recommend though, is that when you suddenly get that urge to not do something that you know you should (like homework, work, dishes, etc.) to do that task immediately without giving yourself enough time to hesitate. Once you start you often begin to enjoy it just from the fact that you won't be stressed or feel guilty about it later.
 
332211 said:
5r, you got it figured out very well. maybe i got a puzzle piece for you:

check out the no fap challenge.

it might be that your lack of drive comes from overdoing porn.

and even if not, try to harness your sex drive. you can get tremendous energy from that.

good luck!
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That's interesting. I'd never really considered it before, but I read a bit about this after you mentioned it. While I don't think of myself as a porn addict, I could absolutely improve my relationship with porn. Impulse control in general can be an issue for me, but porn is unique in quite a few ways.

I've been hearing more about how it can be important to harness the sexual energies. (Plus, I mean, when George tried it on Seinfeld he got REALLY smart). I'm gonna try to give this a shot. The 90 days they prescribe on Reddit sounds like the worst time ever; I don't think I've gone more than 10 days since I figured out what masturbation was. That makes me really curious to see what it's like, actually. (I sincerely doubt I'll even last two weeks, but there's no reason I have to get it perfect right away. This could be really interesting to try and watch what happens.)

Thanks for the insightful idea!
 
Psybin said:
Welcome SR! I personally have suffered from the same problem all my life, though in the last year I've managed to break out of the cycle and just be myself without getting in my own way and pushing myself to do thing I don't always want to do. It took me some pretty deep trips to where I reset my whole brain it felt like. But in reality I could have come to the same realizations sober and did in some ways, but I didn't really feel them and feel motivated by them until after some profound spiritual experiences with DMT and LSD. I am not trying to say that this is what you should do, just that it's possible to change completely and do a 180. One of the things that really helped me that I would recommend though, is that when you suddenly get that urge to not do something that you know you should (like homework, work, dishes, etc.) to do that task immediately without giving yourself enough time to hesitate. Once you start you often begin to enjoy it just from the fact that you won't be stressed or feel guilty about it later.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Psybin!

Those last couple sentences are so true. When I do just shut off the part of myself that wants to procrastinate, I quickly realize how what I was putting off really isn't that bad, doesn't even take that long, and I even come to enjoy it while I'm doing it. And the feeling afterwards is so rewarding, exactly as you said. When I stay on top of myself and have a truly productive day, the way I feel at the end of the day is incredible. A lot of the time it even carries over to how I feel when I wake up.

It's crazy how malleable the mind is. I do feel like I'm doing better at managing life. I don't want to lie and make it seem like I'm completely paralyzed by this. I mean, I feel and get that way often, and I struggle with it a lot, but I've hit a point where I'm really tired of it. I've been trying very hard recently to get a grip on myself. There's been progress. I'm just amazed at what an incredibly tough battle it is. "What's wrong with me?" That's when those thoughts start.

Thanks for relating a bit of your situation. It's nice to know it's not just me, and also that you've been able to have positive experiences with DMT. My first experience with it was pretty scary, and it's made me wary of jumping into heavy psychedelic states (which was probably a good lesson). You are a symbol of hope. 😉
 
I feel for you 5R. I have been in a similar predicament most of my life but never could quite articulate it as well as you have.

I can`t say I can offer any advice that will help you push forward & make the changes you are looking to make, as i am working towards doing the same thing, but what I can say, is that in my case psychedellics seem to hold the potential to flip the momentum in the opposite direction if only even for a few hours.
I have seen some growth & movement towards change in the last few years with occasional psychedellic use. It almost seems as if subconsciously the momentum becomes easier to gain each time & eventually will stick. It does take time & many tries but feels very much more possible with each shift in momentum :thumb_up:

I think you will get along well here & find this place to be an invaluable resource. There is alot to learn & new ideas always flowing & there are always wise people willing to offer advice & a helping hand 😁
 
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