Thank you so much everyone. Thanks for all the advice and thanks for relating so much. I used to work out everyday, but I am never motivated to do anything, it all seems pointless. I will start exercising daily again, I know there must've been a reason I didn't quit for a few months. Also walking and biking will help, now that it's warming up. The addictive trait is good and bad like you said, I am completely devoted and in love with my girlfriend. I want to see her everyday, and she feels the same. She makes me happy, but we have to separate. We are going to different colleges and there's nothing I can do. Even if we did get back together after college my family wouldn't like it at all. Since she is catholic and I am Jewish. But to me religion should not be something that separates two people in love. I wish religion didn't exist most of the time, I wish people were free to decide what is holy through direct expirience. Instead of being born into belief.
Anyway, it is just hard being depressed and an addict. Those 2 things really drain the love from life. I look at everything the same way. I try to block it out and not think about it, but on the inside I know everything is pointless. It's not worth the effort. The things I have to do to keep this body alive and able to have a prosperous future are an eternal chore. Depression is like working without pay. A slave to the world. I have to do the same thing as everyone else, except I don't feel the benefits like them. I can get better and I will. Psychedelics helped me last year, I escaped my depressive thought loop for a couple months. I stopped abusing and started appreciating. I felt harmony in work instead of treating it like an infinite checklist. Intellectually I know so much about how to feel better, I know how to be happy, I know what to do, but it never works. My old pattern of instant gratification demolishes any constructive behaviors.
I used to smoke weed everyday, and I was happier. Once high I felt completely free and back to baseline or above it. I would always think, there is so much to do! Why don't I ever do anything. I'd have fun and explore life like it was new. Until the high wears off, I slowly creep back into my thoughts. Suddenly stop playing guitar once I realize, I'm just gonna pluck more strings, move my fingers on the board, I'm just gonna have to keep thinking of things to sound good so I don't feel bad about my ability. Then I stop. Weed helped for a few hours, which was enough for me. I'm used to a few minutes of that feeling a day, I loved having a sure fire way to attain hours of that feeling. Until I wanted more, I wanted to always feel normal, I smoked 3 times a day and it became the only reason to continue. The point is to feel good, do what makes you happy, smoke weed. But it made regular life into a monotonous wait, I'm in line for a roller coaster for hours, just to feel normal. Then I got charged with possession and I haven't smoked for 4 months. But then I drank. I hate alcohol, I always have, maybe not beer but hard alcohol was poison, a toxin. I usually don't drink, but randomly go for a few days being an alcoholic until I can't take the poison anymore and it's not worth the feeling.
It felt like society stole from me the one thing I needed for happiness. They all were just trying to make me finally do it, just give up. I know that's not true, but it feels like it. I won't give up. The only thing I know to my core of existence is to never kill yourself. It is a forfeiting of a precious gift. Give up the potential to be happy for the gauruntee to not feel like this anymore. It's a tempting devil but I won't do it, ever.
Idk why I just let that out to everyone, don't feel obliged to read it. It was more for myself I guess. This isn't some cry for help or to seek attention, I'm self conscious, just don't judge. I know your all great people here, so I feel safe to share, but I can't even tell this stuff to my family or friends.
I suffered some kind of brain damage 2 years ago(ayahuasca+nootrpics) and since then alcohol became my only relief. I keep observing my how mind behaves and it's absolutely disgusting how your pleasure circuits rewire themselves, during a hangover you think one pattern(never to drink again), next day you brain just thinks totally different and comes up with all kind of excuses and you just can't help it but submit. 