So for about a year DMT has really interested me, I've spent hours on these forums reading experiences and I've always looked forward to trying it.
I haven't really done many psychedelics but I have had some experiences and I recently got my hands on some DMT.
1st try: In my room, alone I did 10mg, it was so beautiful, I didn't have visuals besides from the walls breathing (barely though) but I spent 10 minutes telling my pillow how much I loved it and hugging it.
2nd try: Again, 1 hour later, 20mg. This was so fucking intense. I could close my eyes and my vision wouldn't be affected, everything in my room had just become this geometric pattern. But I also felt like I was being watched, some of the shapes I saw looked like eyes and I started to feel really uncomfortable. I felt like I was losing my sense of self and I had already lost all sense of time and this was pretty scary. Halfway through I opened my body up (as I was completely closed as if I was naked in front of someone) and tried to tell myself to give myself to the molecule and to trust it. I felt this higher power but I couldn't trust it. It wasn't good, it wasn't evil either, but it also wanted me to feel this pain, almost like a test.
After that, I didn't know whether I liked my experience or not. I couldn't describe it as anything but weird and I couldn't decide whether to try again or if it was just too weird for me. An hour later I was bored and wanted to try again.
3rd try: I loaded up 30mg and took the first hit. I instantly felt this really uncomfortable body load. My upper lip felt numb which gave the whole experience a really uncomfortable feeling. I was determined though and did a few more hits. Really I was forcing myself to do them because I wasn't enjoying the experience at all. I actually felt like I was hating it. The body load, the burning on my upper lip and tongue. No euphoria, all I could feel was my sense of self, disappearing and I hated it. I know I shouldn't fight it and I tried my best not to but I just couldn't stop myself. The more I gave up of myself, the more uncomfortable I felt.
I was really hating this because I've read so many positive experiences and I'm definitely not a negative person. I've never been depressed, I have a really stable mood, I'm always smiling and enjoying the moment in life. I'm slightly shy as I used to be really socially anxious but I'm not anymore and that's where my mental issues end. Bearing in mind I'm also 17 turning 18 in a couple of months so maybe I'm just too young.
4th try: I was reading here and felt prepared to try again. I was going to go for it. Loaded up 50mg and was a little scared but went in with a positive mindset and the intention of breaking through. I took one hit (probably about 15mg) and instantly, instantly knew it was a mistake. I felt this instant hatred for the feeling of being on DMT. I felt really helpless and like every deepest part of me was just shared for the entities to see. 5 minutes nefore taking the hit I was talking to my girlfriend about it and I felt so alone doing this by myself in my room. I called her and told her to talk to me, that I took a hit and was in a really bad place.
While she talked (which really did help) I would close my eyes and see shapes and things, I saw this weird alien, it wasn't scary or evil but I felt so physically and mentally uncomfortable that I forced my eyes open and just lay down waiting for the horror to end. Even an hour later, any hint of the smell of DMT just brought back really bad memories. Maybe it's just not for me but I really do want it to be. I love psychedelics. Now I'm okay, I feel perfectly fine, really just confused as to why my experience isn't good and I'm not even scared of trying it again. I kind of want to.
I feel like there could be a few things leading to my bad experience:
- Too young (but I do feel mentally able to handle it)
- Doing it alone, loneliness?
- Pain on my upper lip and mild pain on tongue and lungs from smoking causing a bad experience?
- Being scared, anxiety, holding myself back?
- Not taking those last few hits? Should I just completely go for it?
I'm going to try it again tomorrow with my girlfriend around this time and that will hopefully give me a better experience as I won't be as scared. Is this a bad idea? Does anyone have any advice for dealing with bad experiences? How can I enjoy this?
TLDR. Tried DMT 4 times, the last 3 times were medium to high doses but not enough to break through and lose my sense of self. I felt really uncomfortable and I hated them, so much that I felt like I poisoned myself the last time I did it and couldn't even bring myself to inhale from my pipe which was full of smoke. Should I keep trying? I really want to enjoy DMT but it's like it's telling me not to. Will smoking it with a trip sitter I really trust help calm me down?
I haven't really done many psychedelics but I have had some experiences and I recently got my hands on some DMT.
1st try: In my room, alone I did 10mg, it was so beautiful, I didn't have visuals besides from the walls breathing (barely though) but I spent 10 minutes telling my pillow how much I loved it and hugging it.
2nd try: Again, 1 hour later, 20mg. This was so fucking intense. I could close my eyes and my vision wouldn't be affected, everything in my room had just become this geometric pattern. But I also felt like I was being watched, some of the shapes I saw looked like eyes and I started to feel really uncomfortable. I felt like I was losing my sense of self and I had already lost all sense of time and this was pretty scary. Halfway through I opened my body up (as I was completely closed as if I was naked in front of someone) and tried to tell myself to give myself to the molecule and to trust it. I felt this higher power but I couldn't trust it. It wasn't good, it wasn't evil either, but it also wanted me to feel this pain, almost like a test.
After that, I didn't know whether I liked my experience or not. I couldn't describe it as anything but weird and I couldn't decide whether to try again or if it was just too weird for me. An hour later I was bored and wanted to try again.
3rd try: I loaded up 30mg and took the first hit. I instantly felt this really uncomfortable body load. My upper lip felt numb which gave the whole experience a really uncomfortable feeling. I was determined though and did a few more hits. Really I was forcing myself to do them because I wasn't enjoying the experience at all. I actually felt like I was hating it. The body load, the burning on my upper lip and tongue. No euphoria, all I could feel was my sense of self, disappearing and I hated it. I know I shouldn't fight it and I tried my best not to but I just couldn't stop myself. The more I gave up of myself, the more uncomfortable I felt.
I was really hating this because I've read so many positive experiences and I'm definitely not a negative person. I've never been depressed, I have a really stable mood, I'm always smiling and enjoying the moment in life. I'm slightly shy as I used to be really socially anxious but I'm not anymore and that's where my mental issues end. Bearing in mind I'm also 17 turning 18 in a couple of months so maybe I'm just too young.
4th try: I was reading here and felt prepared to try again. I was going to go for it. Loaded up 50mg and was a little scared but went in with a positive mindset and the intention of breaking through. I took one hit (probably about 15mg) and instantly, instantly knew it was a mistake. I felt this instant hatred for the feeling of being on DMT. I felt really helpless and like every deepest part of me was just shared for the entities to see. 5 minutes nefore taking the hit I was talking to my girlfriend about it and I felt so alone doing this by myself in my room. I called her and told her to talk to me, that I took a hit and was in a really bad place.
While she talked (which really did help) I would close my eyes and see shapes and things, I saw this weird alien, it wasn't scary or evil but I felt so physically and mentally uncomfortable that I forced my eyes open and just lay down waiting for the horror to end. Even an hour later, any hint of the smell of DMT just brought back really bad memories. Maybe it's just not for me but I really do want it to be. I love psychedelics. Now I'm okay, I feel perfectly fine, really just confused as to why my experience isn't good and I'm not even scared of trying it again. I kind of want to.
I feel like there could be a few things leading to my bad experience:
- Too young (but I do feel mentally able to handle it)
- Doing it alone, loneliness?
- Pain on my upper lip and mild pain on tongue and lungs from smoking causing a bad experience?
- Being scared, anxiety, holding myself back?
- Not taking those last few hits? Should I just completely go for it?
I'm going to try it again tomorrow with my girlfriend around this time and that will hopefully give me a better experience as I won't be as scared. Is this a bad idea? Does anyone have any advice for dealing with bad experiences? How can I enjoy this?
TLDR. Tried DMT 4 times, the last 3 times were medium to high doses but not enough to break through and lose my sense of self. I felt really uncomfortable and I hated them, so much that I felt like I poisoned myself the last time I did it and couldn't even bring myself to inhale from my pipe which was full of smoke. Should I keep trying? I really want to enjoy DMT but it's like it's telling me not to. Will smoking it with a trip sitter I really trust help calm me down?