• Members of the previous forum can retrieve their temporary password here, (login and check your PM).

Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

Migrated topic.
Impulse Experience

This is only notable because I actually had two very mild journeys yesterday. Typically I only have one. Otherwise nothing special, just being there in some way is special.

I packed a secondary pipe with changa from a friend just to try it out and see how it was. Aside from noticing that it tasted very pleasant, it was also potent, taking me a little further than I expected given the small hit I took from the bowl. I just relaxed.

The second time was following my meditation. I just kinda felt like it and couldn't see a valid reason not to. I took several hits until I got myself into what I like to call the hyperspace blanket, a void of flux and patterns that move and flow kind of like electric smoke. Simply basking, learning more and more to get out of my own way.

One love
 
This one I'm going to try and just write it and not think too much about how I want to say it.

I woke up from a nap. After taking care of a few things, I was ready to meditate (mainly to get it out of the way, which reflects my mood and state of mind in the moment. A certain degree of fatigue makes me want to do nothing often times). I happened to notice some changa jars left open to release any residual alcohol that may be in them. I thought about how some of these batches I'd like to try soon as there's some subjective novelty attached to them, being batches that I have never made before. I also want to clean my ritual changa pipe. But in order to do that, I need to finish the bowl that was currently in there. Without second guessing, I set up my zabutan and zafu, turned on the speaker, closed the blackout curtain, and sat down.

Incense burning and candle lit, I opened the space and stated my invocation, specifying as one component that this is an effort to be more comfortable doing what I want. Less self doubt, more ignoring potential and hypothetical criticism.

I took one "large" hit. I almost set the pipe down, but thought I'd give it a few seconds in case I wanted another hit. I didn't need a second. Instead of a typical come-up, I experienced what I like to call the "state switch" wherein it seems there was no come-up, a switched flipped and I was just there.

It's hard to say what happened. Partly because of the nature of the experience, but also because there are certain ways in which I'm not used to or comfortable with talking about myself. Hence the first comment I made in this post. This is an effort to push back against that.

While there was some subtle visuals, I wasn't really concerned with them. Based on what came up, I felt too distracted to be immersed in the visual aspect.

I was kind of slapped by "realizations of my own 'nature'". While I'm not a fan of labels, the term enigma has felt fitting since the first times it was used to describe me. I'm deeply philosophic and so am not interested in many common milieus of thought and conception as my peers may be in the ways they may be. I am uniquely alone in my pursuits, for in being deeply philosophic in my own ways, my focus is on what is hard to put into words (at least at this point; wherever "I am," I only seem to be going deeper); in wanting deep understanding and realization that satiates my being in my current form, I can't help but question, doubt, and explore what could be called the fundamentals of things; all things. If something is commonly held as true, or is typically unquestioned, my inner contrarian can't help but see what "may be missing" (which is typically a complex and dynamic endeavor). And this part of me has generally always found "something" amiss within any concept or paradigm used to explain or discuss x thing. If it's an ideal or concept taken for granted, I want to eviscerate it, before putting it back together.

As we are social creatures, my pursuits land my in a certain social isolation. I tend to feel bad for not wanting to interact more with friends and family, especially those that want more time with me, because for what I feel I want, and in some ways need, won't be satisfied. I can't blame anyone for not understanding me or the way I engage topics. At the same time, I do have a desire to be understood. A bit of a catch-22 all things considered.

I typically don't like saying things like this because I feel it may make me look elitist, egotistical, or as if I'm claiming I'm special. First off, given what I'm aware of of myself, why do I care if someone comes to such erroneous conclusions? Perhaps because I do care greatly about how I influence others to feel. But that's a two-way road, in that if I'm misunderstood, and someone feels some negative way about it, that's more on them than on me since they are the ones not understanding (which, by the way, I really just wish people could say "I don't understand" or "I don't know" more often when that happens to be the case, but maybe I expect too much). Second, I was taught at an early age it's wrong to talk about myself, which is a powerful sentiment coupled with the first observation.

I remember an "ex" of sorts asking me at one time "why do you need to set yourself apart from everyone?" to which I was uncertain how to respond, as I was just sharing how I think and what I think (which based on my lived experience is/can be very "different," "deviant," "novel" relative to others). She didn't understand. She didn't "get it." I've let interactions like that hinder me because I cared how I made her feel in that moment. But it's like an old therapist told me, the way I think can be jarring and even intimidating to some.

Ecstatically dancing seated at the altar, I was at peace with a deep sense of loneliness that I feel in a certain way. I can't even really bask in the illusion of communion (an illusion seeing we can never escape our own subjectivity), but while saddened, I was also happy. I felt good, and was a bit more care-free; I cared so much less about the loneliness. None of this is to say that I'm going to become a hermit, but on the contrary helps me be a bit more comfortable with myself, which I'm sure will translate to being more comfortable around others.

It's also interesting because much of this is connected to reflections on DMT and changa journeys in years past to which some elements align. Perhaps I'll write about that later.

Looking forward to seeing where the next journey takes me. Thank you for reading. Lots and lots of love.

One love
 
That was a really lovely post Void.. thank you for the authentic in the moment write up. It isn't always easy to talk openly about the deeper aspects of ourselves for fear of judgement.. so I am happy you felt as if you were letting that go while you were writing. I have a few more points that I wanted to explore but perhaps will reflect on what you've written a little more first.. but one thing I would say exploring loneliness, is that even if feeling of communion is subjective, that's totally okay and still useful. Trying to define it will probably remove you from that sensation more so than the actual nature of that sensation itself.. I mean that experiencing something despite having no 'objective' grasp on it doesn't diminish the value of that feeling.. that is my own peacefulness with lacking objective knowing anyways. I guess we are all different.

Being at peace with loneliness is incredibly powerful.. and wanting to be alone is perfectly natural as no one knows us better than ourselves..
 
Hey @acacian Thank you so much. It was a weird one for me to write. Had to fight the impulse to go back repeatedly to "make things more acceptable."

I see what you mean with regards to balancing our subjectivity with communion. I think I didn't really share that thought well. What I mean is, that even when in a group, doing some group type thing, I always feel "on the outside" as though my being part of a group in that moment is like standing in a door-way; I'm both in two rooms at once, while also in a sense in neither room. In the above, I only focused on one side of something multifaceted. Another aspect to feeling "on the outside," "as an outlier," etc, can also stem from cultural experiences in my childhood that made me rarely feel "included" or "part of a group." I'll be a succinct as I can. I'm identified as black (African-American if one prefers; I'm indifferent; if we want to be real technical, I'm mixed). However, based on my upbringing (which was somewhat sheltered, abusive, and very stifling), I didn't fit the cultural expectations, or stereotypes that were expected of me, and I never truly tried to cater to them. As such, I never felt accepted by the black community. But I'm not seen by others as anything other than that, so while I haven't dealt with a whole lot of racism in my life, I'm never fully subsumed into any other community either. This is just one example, but it's a good one being broad and specific at the same time, highlighting something that is thematic to our identities in many places around the world. Many people are defined by their culture and cultural heritage. In my previous post I focused on how my thinking isolates me, but here we have an example of something that has influenced that aspect.

This "isolation" is necessary for my goals in a certain sense though. If I want to interact with "truth" on my own, then it's important that I listen to my own critical thinking in the exploration. Giving into a paradigm is opening the door to being influenced by the power of suggestion. This is why when I come across an idea that appeals to me, I break it down more than other thoughts that don't because I am aware that I am more likely to be biased in favor of said information that appeals to how I already think. If we want to really say that we are surveying for veracity and truth, then we must always be prepared to admit that we could have been "off-base" much longer than we had previously thought. That said, in my pursuits, I could be completely off as well. But I have to work with what I've got and have done, and make changes when they become apparent that they need to be made. One example of having been aware that I could be "off" but only recently found some cues as to where is in the level and gravity of standard for some of these inward pursuits and living practical life. The standards for my inward pursuits are not sustainable in my practical life. I've allowed them to bleed over in a damaging way. So, the intensity and depth has to be relegated to only certain pursuits.

Sorry, I'm drinking my mushroom coffee and got a little high and just started typing :LOL:

One love
 
And that is why reflection with other people is so important.

Once you have this idea set in your mind it is time to ask for reflections and different viewpoints on it, it never hurts to rebuild your pillars of existence, it's a huge privilege with entheogens IMHO.


Kind regards,

The Traveler
 
@The Traveler thank you brother. The only thing that can be hard about that is finding the "right" people to reflect with, which in my experience, can be hard to find.

However, I'll take your insight as a cue for me to keep sharing 🤗

One love
 
This "isolation" is necessary for my goals in a certain sense though. If I want to interact with "truth" on my own, then it's important that I listen to my own critical thinking in the exploration. Giving into a paradigm is opening the door to being influenced by the power of suggestion. This is why when I come across an idea that appeals to me, I break it down more than other thoughts that don't because I am aware that I am more likely to be biased in favor of said information that appeals to how I already think. If we want to really say that we are surveying for veracity and truth, then we must always be prepared to admit that we could have been "off-base" much longer than we had previously thought. That said, in my pursuits, I could be completely off as well...
I have my reservations on whether this is compatible with this.

The thing about thought/logic is that its very precise but it actually has very low and finite resolution, as would a computer integer, if you would accept the analogy.
Whereas emotion is quite abstract but it can cenvey infinte depth.

The trick here is that the former is easy to control, the latter no so much other than through repression.
And there lies the issue, if we accept emotion as truth then we have to accept that we are trully worthless, helpless, egotistical and what not, and thats hard to reconcile with the thought that we are clearly not.
 
Last edited:
Hey buddy @ShadedSelf

Care to share your reservations.

Maybe it's just my experience, but I feel those attributions can be flipped around and so it kinda comes to context.

I put truth in quotes because I meant it in multiple ways. Some truth we feel with our senses, some with our emotions, some truth we arrive at through thought, others through realization. Some truth is an amalgam.

I also find there's an inherent connection between what I think and what I feel where they influence each other in equal magnitudes. One of the reasons we use logic is emotional: it allows us to feel secure in our processes.

One love
 
Actually, I dont think I should be putting thought and logic in the same basket here.

But yeah, this is basically my main reservation:
"One of the reasons we use logic is emotional: it allows us to feel secure in our processes."
It wont allow us to feel insecure, nor does it allow us to get used to being insecure.

You are constantly building endless pieces that have to perfectly fit together under strict scrutiny.

What I get from that fragment is that you are looking for something, you think its better to do this alone to not be influenced by external biases or suggestions.
When you do get outside information that resonates to some degree you engage in thought and break it down to make sure you are not accepting something thats is wrong.
Then there is also this part where we acknowledge that some of the ways of thinking could have been wrong for longer that we thought, so the things we are building on can actually crumble to pieces and we have to go back and re-evaluate everything that was built from that point. Not only that, the whole thing could be wrong. So there is this self-reflective aspect to the thought process.

Maybe Im not understanding, what kind of truth are you looking for that requires that sort of isolation and critical thinking?
Whats the point?

This is why when I come across an idea that appeals to me, I break it down more than other thoughts that don't because I am aware that I am more likely to be biased in favor of said information that appeals to how I already think.
Is there a way you can explain this "breaking down" to me, what it is or how it looks like?

level and gravity of standard for some of these inward pursuits and living practical life. The standards for my inward pursuits are not sustainable in my practical life. I've allowed them to bleed over in a damaging way. So, the intensity and depth has to be relegated to only certain pursuits.
Can you tell us more about this?


How does it feel to go through this kind of process?
The whole thing sounds utterly exhausting to me.
 
The reason I made that statement about logic was to illustrate that there's at least a thread of emotionality in even that.

That said, I disagree. As a method of drawing conclusions from certain inferences, one will come to many conclusions that are distressing, unnerving, overwhelming, depressing, etc. I'm not sure it always leads us to feel secure. But it can provide security in our confidence in a process of thought, though, I find intuition to be equally important.

Some pieces I build, some I find 😁

I suppose part of my position is that in discerning any potential "external" truth, we must first fully submit to being honest with ourselves. This is my exercise in honesty with myself. "It" may be where it all ends too.

Part of the process of my breaking down ideas, in this case, ones that appeal to me, is isolating and looking at what parts and/or aspects appeal to me. Then ascertaining why they appeal to me, what biases do they appeal to that I have and are such biases appropriate in the context of my evaluation of the part/aspect in question. What in my thinking makes it easy for me to admit this to my own repository? What in my thinking that makes it easy to admit this to own repository has holes, "fallacies" inconsistencies, flaws, incompleteness etc.

I'm tired and blanking a bit on how I'd like to answer that last part your quotes. Let's just say that one example is if we take processes like the previously mentioned, it's a bit hard to think like that in consistent interaction with others. It's something I have to rein in, which kinda leaves me not saying much. Another example is that I cannot do things in a manner that reflects some of my "thinking" due to boundaries such as time. I'm not really satisfied with this answer.

Yes it is, but it feels right to do I suppose.

One love
 
Yeah, I mean, at that point a conversation becomes a game of "chess".

Do you have interactions that are spontaneous, emotional and thoughtless?
 
Last edited:
In the ways you actively do, do you know why you avoid being spontaneous, emotional and thoughtless?

What about when its not an active avoidance, do you know whats going on there?
 
In some ways I do. It was frowned on during my upbringing. I also observe unpreferred things can happen when people act thoughtlessly.

But I don't avoid emotion.

Probably self concern.

One love
 
I get that you dont have problems feeling the way you do at any given time and there definitely is a lot of self-awarness.
I think the tricky bit here is that there are emotions that you dont know are there.


Ok, I might be pushing you a bit here, and I could be way off.

Sure this was modeled to you and sure you can see external examples, still I would expect the reason of the avoidance to be fundamentally emotional, which I assume its whatever is packed under "self concern".

And thats very anticlimactic because underneath all this pile of logic an intellectual masturbation there seems to be an insecure child that was never validated or accepted and doesnt really know if its okay to be himself.
Thats why I think these two things are not really compatible.

And you know, sounds like you are moving towards meeting that child again, being more impulsive, not polishing you answers as much... It might seems unwise, foolish from some perspectives, but I think thats good.
 
Last edited:
So, I can be more off the cuff if you like, but it'll probably sound rude:

Would you like to enlighten me on what emotions I may not be aware of that I'm feeling?

Yep, pushed it a bit, but it's fine.

You seem to be looking for an answer. So, how about, sometimes I view spontaneity and thoughtlessness as something I don't value in many contexts. How about it makes me uncomfortable and feels outside my "character" in being that way. It's an unpreffered discomfort.

Perhaps you're not fully understanding my position, which is somewhat my fault and that's why it seems incompatible. I'm still not seeing an inconsistency. I think I've covered plenty of bases in sharing about my personal insecurities and whatnot over the years, been pretty candid about it too, even in regards to not feeling accepted, issues with external validation etc, so I'm not sure where we're going with this.

One thing you can do for me though is explain "mental maturbation" to me, as I'm not sure how I do this or how it's applicable to the discourse. I'm a thinker, that's what I do, I like thinking deeply, as well as feeling deeply, so if it's mistaken as mental masturbation, then okay, I don't have the time or energy to care.

Here's an unpolished response for you. I sound like a di*k.🤣

One love
 
Sure, it might sound rude, it also sounds a lot more genuine.
Gives a clearer picture of where you are at.

Would you like to enlighten me on what emotions I may not be aware of that I'm feeling?
I do not know, it mainly comes from the assumption that the sort of intellectual engagement that I sense from you tends to separate one from himself.
But you are probably right, I might not be understanding and thats just the wrong assumption.

The intellectual masturbation part was mostly inflamatory, Im trying to figure out whats behind what I recognize as a protective mechanism.
Again, that could just be wrong.

More generally you can see it as a way to intellectualize away emotions or as a way to feel good in some way through logical mental activity.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top Bottom