This one I'm going to try and just write it and not think too much about how I want to say it.
I woke up from a nap. After taking care of a few things, I was ready to meditate (mainly to get it out of the way, which reflects my mood and state of mind in the moment. A certain degree of fatigue makes me want to do nothing often times). I happened to notice some changa jars left open to release any residual alcohol that may be in them. I thought about how some of these batches I'd like to try soon as there's some subjective novelty attached to them, being batches that I have never made before. I also want to clean my ritual changa pipe. But in order to do that, I need to finish the bowl that was currently in there. Without second guessing, I set up my zabutan and zafu, turned on the speaker, closed the blackout curtain, and sat down.
Incense burning and candle lit, I opened the space and stated my invocation, specifying as one component that this is an effort to be more comfortable doing what I want. Less self doubt, more ignoring potential and hypothetical criticism.
I took one "large" hit. I almost set the pipe down, but thought I'd give it a few seconds in case I wanted another hit. I didn't need a second. Instead of a typical come-up, I experienced what I like to call the "state switch" wherein it seems there was no come-up, a switched flipped and I was just there.
It's hard to say what happened. Partly because of the nature of the experience, but also because there are certain ways in which I'm not used to or comfortable with talking about myself. Hence the first comment I made in this post. This is an effort to push back against that.
While there was some subtle visuals, I wasn't really concerned with them. Based on what came up, I felt too distracted to be immersed in the visual aspect.
I was kind of slapped by "realizations of my own 'nature'". While I'm not a fan of labels, the term enigma has felt fitting since the first times it was used to describe me. I'm deeply philosophic and so am not interested in many common milieus of thought and conception as my peers may be in the ways they may be. I am uniquely alone in my pursuits, for in being deeply philosophic in my own ways, my focus is on what is hard to put into words (at least at this point; wherever "I am," I only seem to be going deeper); in wanting deep understanding and realization that satiates my being in my current form, I can't help but question, doubt, and explore what could be called the fundamentals of things; all things. If something is commonly held as true, or is typically unquestioned, my inner contrarian can't help but see what "may be missing" (which is typically a complex and dynamic endeavor). And this part of me has generally always found "something" amiss within any concept or paradigm used to explain or discuss x thing. If it's an ideal or concept taken for granted, I want to eviscerate it, before putting it back together.
As we are social creatures, my pursuits land my in a certain social isolation. I tend to feel bad for not wanting to interact more with friends and family, especially those that want more time with me, because for what I feel I want, and in some ways need, won't be satisfied. I can't blame anyone for not understanding me or the way I engage topics. At the same time, I do have a desire to be understood. A bit of a catch-22 all things considered.
I typically don't like saying things like this because I feel it may make me look elitist, egotistical, or as if I'm claiming I'm special. First off, given what I'm aware of of myself, why do I care if someone comes to such erroneous conclusions? Perhaps because I do care greatly about how I influence others to feel. But that's a two-way road, in that if I'm misunderstood, and someone feels some negative way about it, that's more on them than on me since they are the ones not understanding (which, by the way, I really just wish people could say "I don't understand" or "I don't know" more often when that happens to be the case, but maybe I expect too much). Second, I was taught at an early age it's wrong to talk about myself, which is a powerful sentiment coupled with the first observation.
I remember an "ex" of sorts asking me at one time "why do you need to set yourself apart from everyone?" to which I was uncertain how to respond, as I was just sharing how I think and what I think (which based on my lived experience is/can be very "different," "deviant," "novel" relative to others). She didn't understand. She didn't "get it." I've let interactions like that hinder me because I cared how I made her feel in that moment. But it's like an old therapist told me, the way I think can be jarring and even intimidating to some.
Ecstatically dancing seated at the altar, I was at peace with a deep sense of loneliness that I feel in a certain way. I can't even really bask in the illusion of communion (an illusion seeing we can never escape our own subjectivity), but while saddened, I was also happy. I felt good, and was a bit more care-free; I cared so much less about the loneliness. None of this is to say that I'm going to become a hermit, but on the contrary helps me be a bit more comfortable with myself, which I'm sure will translate to being more comfortable around others.
It's also interesting because much of this is connected to reflections on DMT and changa journeys in years past to which some elements align. Perhaps I'll write about that later.
Looking forward to seeing where the next journey takes me. Thank you for reading. Lots and lots of love.
One love
