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Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

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@ShadedSelf it's a wonderful synchronicity to have you in the conversation. I was thinking about you and wondering how you were.

Anyway, here we go 😁 I do sometimes worry if people just pity me after I'm being honest and just day nice things. But I think that if I evaluate, that could be something I agree with. Then I wonder if I should continue to be selfless to the benefit of others. At the same time, one could also argue that I'd my presence benefits others then me being a little more selfish, expressive, etc may benefit others by benefitting myself. It's a quandary, same song and dance lol

One love
Same, I feel like its been a while since you last opened this sort of more personal discussion, which I assumed it was a good thing.

Okay, I take that as not quite sinking in all the way, maybe a bit more that it used to.
Are you afraid of what could happen if you let our positive feedback in?

What does you being selfless look like? Like, what is selflessness for you?
What would you being more selfish look like?
Well... it was more because I was feeling like I was beating a dead horse and that such discourse was becoming a nuisance and obnoxious... though no one said anything to that effect. Just a feeling that cropped up.

That's not to say I'm not doing a little better. And yes I think a little more may be sinking in.

I am.

Doing a lot for others, biting my lip and not saying what I'm really thinking or want to say, not having goals that would undermine others, etc.
Selflessness for me may be a mistake. It's almost like I shouldn't take care of myself without taking care of others first.

Being more selfish I suppose would be balancing the above more 🤣

One love
Interesting, what do you think could happen if you let them in?

Why do you not say what you are thinking or what you want to say? How does that benefit others?
Is there a part of you that takes care of others because you dont deserve to be taken care of?
That I'd get a big old egotistical head 🤣

Many things I'd like to say don't land well, regardless of how I deliver it. This has at least been my experience, and something I've explored with people who have witnessed it happen. Really, it's probably a concern that is emblematic of being too hard on myself. I need to just let people be upset sometimes. I care too much lol.

And, very likely, yes.

One love
Im not sure if it’s my place to react, but I’ll try.

I Think that what your experiencing is that the self sacrificing is starting to sabotage you and how you feel about yourself. It’s not providing you with positive energy and makes you bite your lip at times because you might fear the consequences of speaking up.
In a way that makes me think about the reasons for self sacrificing, like Jesus who decided to be nailed to the cros for the sins of others. Is it just a pure form of altruism or is there something more going on like the need for feeling of having a purpose?

I myself have been at times self sacrificing and ended up very much sabotaging my life. I found that next to the altruism which was definitely a part of it there was the hunger to feel significant that was to blame. This feeling of being needed and appreciated was just to nice to cover up the past trauma's but also ended up creating more of it.

I’m not sure if this is the case for you and I’m sure I’m probably projecting my stuf onto you, but when I figured this out and how it was not helping me It was much easier to find a healthy balance between helping others and helping myself.

Take care
@Varollo Thank you for contributing. And always feel free. I try to give a bit of wiggle room in the threads I start because I like seeing all the different and unique and sometimes obscure ways the conversations can move and evolve.

I think the observation of it sabotaging me is a sound one. I find myself thinking sometimes, "what about me?" In a lot of ways, I'm so removed from myself in this way that "I don't know what I want."

Me biting my tongue is usually because people don't always respond to my incisive nature very well, and when trying to understand someone, I may come with a barrage of questions about minutia in their statements. Sometimes these questions may make them realize a way or ways in which they may not have thought about or explored a concept. And even when I point out what I feel may be an inconsistency, which then makes me have a harder time understanding them, it's often misconstrued as "me correcting all the time." I'm philosophic by nature, challenging ideas, even my own, just happens to be what I do. At the same time, I don't think anyone that I want to be connected to really faults me for this...

I'm evaluating my initiative and drive for self-sacrifice a lot, understandably. I kinda just happen to be pretty altruistic; I like building people up, I like seeing people succeed, etc. Perhaps it helps me forget about myself in some ways. Perhaps I'm a bit of a vicarious parasite, getting high off of others personal triumphs because I don't value myself to know what I want to do or provide myself with something that I really want to succeed in (aside from my current career goals).

I can understand your experience. Do you think that some of this desire for significance was/is somewhat natural to the human condition?

And thank you again for sharing.

One love
I can understand your experience. Do you think that some of this desire for significance was/is somewhat natural to the human condition?
Can’t help myself but chime back in here. Great question. In short - yes.

We all want our lives to feel significant, because we are significant. We are quite literally one with the infinite source of everything. However, most of us aren’t aware of that fact in a direct way while living most of our lives.

Most people seek meaning through accomplishments, or career, or talent, or progeny, or any other innumerable human pathways of action. Less materially driven people seek meaning in spirituality, religion, or entheogens…

In my own life, and in reading the experiences of others, I have noticed a difficult time. Maybe you feel like you are in this time yourself, maybe not;

We can feel ourselves between two worlds. Abiding in typical consciousness, it is easy to get lost in the manifest world and our human endeavors. Standing on the other foot, we know we are more than human, and start to feel a sort of emptiness pursuing typical human achievements like the ones listed above, being aware of the transient nature of the body and persisting nature of ourselves as consciousness. Not fully rooted in our identity as one with the whole, yet unsatisfied with identification with our manifest form… a tricky time. I struggled navigating between these two worlds for a few years. I’m not exactly sure what changed, probably a lot of things, and lots of experience in and out of the expanded state, and of course the factor of time….

Maybe this isn’t how you’re feeling at all, but I felt compelled to share.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and happy week 🤍
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Can you elaborate more on why you think we are significant? The philosopher in me could argue for or against such a sentiment with equal validity, which leaves me in an antimony, which is sorta okay in my book.

I do however understand your perspective, I'm just curious.

I enjoy how you describe your experience. I feel that I can relate in some ways. The day to day is dull and monotonous by virtue of the acclimation of our cognitive structures to pragmatic repetition. It's a restless state, the default anxiety of our existence. What determines anything is how we respond to this anxiety. Many of us, myself included, get wrapped up and warped in a torrent of dissonance. The paradox of the little bit of order we're able to find amidst chaos.

Sorry, I'm high and exhausted and am bantering 😅

Keep sharing!

One love
Right, and you dont want people getting upset because then you feel like you are a terrible person, which you already know you are anyways.
Does that make sense? I dont want to sound harsh but thats basically what Im hearing.

I need to be more okay being good to myself.
I need to just let people be upset sometimes
Ok, Void, what are you doing everytime you say "I need to"?
Need : Requiring (something) because it is essential or very important.
2. Expressing necessity or obligation.

Also : A psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a goal giving purpose and direction to behavior.

It’s a broad spectrum between being elfless and shellfish. I myself am allergic to shellfish.
That's part of it. It's also a habit from childhood, since my father liked to look for a problem and would get upset unnecessarily. It reinforces long-standing feelings.

I suppose I'm acknowledging what I'd like to do internally to help my situation.

One love
Can you elaborate more on why you think we are significant? The philosopher in me could argue for or against such a sentiment with equal validity, which leaves me in an antimony, which is sorta okay in my book.

Challenge round hahaha 🤍
Paradox stacked on paradox, opposites true together… like all the pairs of opposites, united in truth, our lives are both meaningless and indispensable. There are billions of humans. And countless species on the planet earth. Time will erase all of them. Even if I become the greatest and most legendary human of all time (ha), the sun will explode and our planet will turn to dust and any record of my existence will be a forgotten memory - swallowed by the insatiable Kala himself. There is no achievement, no good deed, no action that will cement any measurable amount of importance to any individuals one life, especially on a cosmic scale.

Conversely, this monad is the whole. Thich Nhat Hanh says it best when he describes Interbeing - no organism has independent life. There is no such thing as an independent life form. Everything leans on everything else. In one cell of my body, the entire cosmos - past, present, future, is all there. That one cell even could never exist without everything else in the cosmos existing exactly the way it has exactly in the timing it has. Our bodies are at best a whirlwind of ever changing matter and atoms. Continuity is a blessing of the mind. The idea that I am one being and you are another is just that, an idea. Forgoing individual identity, we are The Cosmic Being (God). Literally. Not figuratively. Not by way of extension. This is one point this physicist as physician are blessed to agree on at this point in our timeline.

I love the allegory of Indra’s Net of Jewels. For anyone not familiar, Indra is a Hindu deity. His jeweled net is made entirely of jewels so brilliant, all that can be seen gazing into them is the reflection of each and every other jewel. Like an infinite sea of refraction, each gem mirrors each and every other gem. I think this is probably the best allegory for the idea of an individual soul. You can look at a single jewel, but you will only see the whole. Examining any one of the jewels will yield the same vision. It is all the whole.

Like I mentioned, navigating this paradox can be difficult and confusing. Paradoxically (almost feel funny typing it by now) this is also the source of life’s greatest bliss and satisfaction, IME and IMHO. This is also largely what I personally get out of entheogens; to enjoy the oscillation between being “me” and being all of it. The contrast is beautiful. They deepen one another. My little self-aware human whirlpool in this infinite sea of consciousness occasionally remembers that is, indeed, the ocean. Obviously these are ideas and sentiments older than our written history; I’m just doing my best to put them as frankly and honestly in my own words as possible.

Thanks for giving me a reason to type all this, and thank you for being open and honest with all of us. This thread has a healing atmosphere of kindness and respect I very much dig.

First I'd like to share two posts from my Skepticism thread since they pertain to the present conversation.

Paradox and Oneness

What people term the whole, or Oneness, or the all, I call paradox. I tend to look at the "whole" as existence; the fact that things exists. I also feel that the duality, a singular duality, is, paradoxically, oneness.

Your first paragraph often describes the divide in my personal experience. Anything I may want to do and that I may care about only matters now, but in a cosmic perspective, it means nothing and never matters. I'm but a speck, if even that in such a vast expanse.

The idea that we are the same is also just an idea, so we're where we were before; an antimony. In my perspective, I'd also say that being connected is not the same as being the same or that one thing contains everything, though I understand the ideal. Connection is not the same as identity imo. Also, as it currently stands, your continuity of experience is not mine and as such we are not the same. There's no way to know if such a continuity is maintained even after we pass in this physical life. I say this because I strongly question some of the interpretations and conclusions drawn from certain types of experience, such as some experiences showing a more "true" "reality" over others. So, the experience of oneness with the all is not any more or less real than any other state of experienced existence. It's all just experiences of the different facets of the jewel of existence, which can't be seen in its totality because we would need to be outside of existence to see it as such. But, if existence is everything...

I see a divide in Indra's Net of Jewels between phenomenology of perspective and ontology of what is existing in this context. As a matter of perspective, we see the whole, but ontologically, each jewel is still an individual jewel.

There's a reason that what we would call Paradox is vitally important to me :)

Thank you for sharing and thank you for what you see in this thread. It is a very beautiful thing to witness.

One love
I can understand your experience. Do you think that some of this desire for significance was/is somewhat natural to the human condition?

In a way I do think there is a desire to feel meaningful, and that its of the human condition to want to belong and to be of significance.
It helps me personally to understand and make sense of myself. In way it grounds me to a social world. The other part is, especially when constructed by helping out, It can bring a feeling of self worth and pride. For me I usually don’t need to much external validation but when I do feel insecure it’s one of the easiest ways to get a quick fix. Then when I use it for that it is usually followed by a dip and then in way I’m ending up sabotaging myself. I guess what I try to say is that depending upon goal of the self sacrifice the outcome of the action can help and give, or can end up sabotaging.

Take care
I think we could reduce the need to belong to a survival mechanism, though there can be other extensions of its utility and meaning to us in a time with so much technological advancement and less cause for alarm from "natural" forces.

I often feel, for myself, it's often an aid to others but sabotoging for myself. But I think that's part and parcel in some ways of making sacrifice; we inevitably give something up.

One love
Impulse Experience:

I woke up from a long nap after getting my hair twisted and braided (which is always sedating in itself, and then there's the added weight because my hair was wet; it was also a long week). When I awoke, I was sluggish and still tired. So I decided to start prepping for bed early. Once I got back to my room after making my tea and casein shake, I realized I still needed to meditate. It's hard to just sit and be when I'm this tired, and the idea of changa had been on my mind earlier in the day (initially decided to wait a couple days until my scalp adjusted because the sensations can be very intense even on a low journey when my head is freshly twisted). I thought "why not" I want to, it'll be meditative, etc.

I haven't smoalked any changa in about a month. I opened the space, stated my invocation, with an expressed intent to show myself some love (because I love DMT more than many things, doing it shows myself love and care). I took a hit. I didn't count, I just hit the bowl until it felt right to stop. I knew I wouldn't go too far. The first effects set in, and I decide on a second hit, being very explicit in telling myself that I want to so I should. An Act of active self-guiding. More in tune and engaged and purposeful with my inner dialogue (which isn't always present for me).

I was effectively practicing honesty with myself as I moved through the subtly visual space, acknowledging things that I tend to try and push down and away. Things that I feel may make me sound egotistical if I said them out loud, even though some of these particular things aren't felt or meant in an egotistical way. I'm used to being misunderstood and mischaracterized. I perused ways of describing myself; an attacker of assumptions, an excavator of the "fundamental(s)," the paradigm hopper, etc.

From there, I was inundated with thoughts and hypothetical pathways a potential conversation in the near future will take. I happen to challenge the basis and lens and scope of many concepts and ideals (well, all of em to a certain extent if we're being honest; how can we really be aware of something well unless we get inside and sometimes break it down and apart piece by piece; including investigating and being brutally honest with ourselves in our biases for and/or against that which we aim to be aware of and understand). It can be jarring for many. Even those that I care about (I actually have a friend that told me he can't have certain kinds of conversations around mysticism and esoterism because the way I proceed and go about it challenges too much of the fundamentals in which he thinks). But it's something that I do with the best of intentions and not as an antagonist of any sort.

One love
@Voidmatrix hey hey, been a busy week for me. The threads you shared are extremely well written. I don’t have much to say, except thank you for sharing your thoughts with me 🤍
There is a Bengali allegory that I enjoy that seems to resonate with your post on Oneness:

“On our journey to the roof of a building, we ascend the stairs, knowing that each one is not the roof. But when we reach the roof, we see it is made of the same materials as the steps; brick, lime, and brick dust. The Nitya ( Eternal) and Lila (play, manifestation) are one and the same.”
@Subtlevibrations thank you very very much and I am very glad that you enjoyed them. While I still have a few sections to complete that trial run, I've also started rewriting it in its entirety in order to make it more concise and direct and flow better.

And I like that quote. It makes me think about Wittgenstein's quote about what can't be said we must pass over in silence. This topic is one where we are forced to dance broadly around for our language will never touch it's event horizon.

Impulse Experience:

I'm using this thread as a mode of encouragement to smoalk moar.

Another one that wasn't particularly special, but the general act is meaningful.

That said, I'm not under any pressure of inclination to try to remember specifics from it. I remember what needs to be remembered. I took one moderate sized hit, set the pipe down, and attempted to get comfortable. There was an adjustment period because as I tried to slide my hips down to lay back, I bunched up the covers, and I like them unbunched when I can feel them, and knew that would annoy me throughout. As a result, I didn't hold the hit in quite as long a I wanted.

Anyway, it was a relaxing and blissful experience. For a while, it was a bit of corrective thinking of regular thought patterns. But there were other points that I was so caught up in my thoughts, and my being in general, viewing this subtle energetic field in flux, I would forget where I was. I had to re-remember that I was laying on my bed in my room.

My intention was to just be, and that's exactly what I got. The phenomenology of such an experience through its span of time is so much more that the simplicity of the statement of being, its description is elusive.

One love
Impulse Experience:

I'm trying to smoke less cannabis, so didn't smoke returning home from work and not before my meditation. I had kinda thought about some changa, but then thought "that may be a bit much to handle right now." I'm pretty tired (when am I not). But I took the save-a-bowl off of the changa pipe and set it on my altar before I sat to meditate.

I spent some time just being with the calamity of my mind, observing the torpid function and lack of any sort of general and flow, almost like watching free association instead of hearing it. Not placing any value judgment to anything witnessed.

Then, I decided I wanted to smoalk, so I should, so I did. Even taking a one hit is work in the right direction.

A lot of understanding. With regard to DMT, I'm where I should be based on where I am with myself (a theme so far of this thread). And I torture myself in a way with some of these lower level journeys, where I feel I sometimes have more than one "experience" at once, and where I often am "split between worlds." While the come up intensity isn't there, it's a practice that has it's own hurdles to be overcome. And I don't mean the super low dose, but the ones where hyperspace is clearly penetrating, but you're "not there." Today was a fine example. A green dot being shone from the nebula light in my room onto the stucko ceiling showed an alien language within the circumference around the dot. I'm confident it's one that I've seen before. This was pronounced, because other than what could best be described as a light mushroom vibe, everything "looked" relatively normal.

Proper realization and understanding and acceptance feels nice. I can get in whenever I want, I just have to be better to myself to the extent that one of my favorite things to do is something I can allow myself from within.

It also hit me how much certain entities I interact with on DMT have been trying to show me this overall message that I currently feel I'm too high and tired to do justice to.

I may smoalk again tomorrow.

One love
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