ShamanisticVibes
Rising Star
As a few of you may know, I recently cleaned house of most of my social circle and also moved to a new home. My home is pretty out in the middle of nowhere, but I do have a few neighbors. Most of them are just far enough away that it's not really feasible to strike up conversation even though we see each other outdoors regularly. To make a long story short, I have gotten friendly with the closest neighbor, and was invited to a memorial day bonfire that took place yesterday evening. I worked until 10 and it's a 40 minute drive home, so it was almost 11pm by the time I arrived.
When I pulled in, the bonfire was about 30ft high. It had been a long time since I had been to a bonfire, and also a long time (2+ months) since I had any human interaction outside of the scope of co-workers and customers. That being said I was starving for genuine peer interaction. They are a very country bunch, which I kind of enjoy; it reminds me of home. Country music on the radio, 30 ft. fire, cornhole, beer, and a genuinely hilarious dynamic. I was really enjoying myself, so I had a few beers, played some cornhole, and joined in on the banter. At first everything was pretty cool. I was laughing, I was making others laugh, and the whole aesthetic was generally agreeable. As the night progressed, something was a bit off. Nothing super notable, but there was a feeling. At about 2am, I finished my game, and my last beer, and walked back to my house. My dog, as always was waiting for me with a wagging tail and sloppy doggy kisses; my favorite. I let him on his lead so he could go to the bathroom before bed, and walked into the house.
Upon entering the house, I felt an initial wave of relief, followed by a secondary wave of anxiety, then the purge of that anxiety followed by understanding, and an urge. The understanding was of why things felt off. I lost my confidence in myself during my time at the bonfire, largely because I saw myself reverting back to bits of my old self that I thought had died a long time ago. Namely, the fact that in social situations I can fall into this trapping of my personality and imagination. I find myself playing a character, and almost performing for people, because I feel that my own, normal personality is not likable enough. In the past I have fallen into this problem a lot; sometimes for months at a time. And the urge. The urge was to take a journey. It had been 6 months since I had done any spice, and I had a new batch made about 3 weeks ago.
Now I know what most of you are thinking, and I agree. Alcohol and spice do not compliment one another, but I felt like I needed to delve into this problem while it was fresh. I went upstairs and grabbed my pipe (a primitive, but effective chillum with a copper wool filter) and loaded it with roughly 35-50mg by eye, took three hits, and lay back in my bed. Before I did this I put on an hour and a half long recording of Icaros. The colors and fractals began shortly and folded in and out of themselves. The music and the trip were in the most beautiful synchronicity. It had been a while so I was reacquating myself with the scenery, but got distracted looking at the strangeness of my arm, and at some point, I realized I was avoiding the matter at hand. Once I came to this realization, I dropped my hands at my sides, closed my eyes and began to meditate. I was remembering that the only thing I truly need is to love myself, my family, and my dog (who is family, but mentioning him is relevant to the story). Right at that moment, he jumped up and wanted to play. He looked so different, but alive and happy like he always does. I told him we would play in a little bit and he laid his head down on my shoulder, and it hit me. It was like the spice was repeating a mantra in my head. Just BE. And love him. And BE. It repeated over and over again inside my head, and it was so simple, but so beautiful in its simplicity that I began to weep tears of joy. It's crazy how we get so caught up with our day to day that we just forget to be, and love, and be. It brought all of the weirdness of the earlier bits of the night into the most crisp clarity, and I know what I need to integrate.
This is one of the most simple, yet profound experiences the spice has ever given me. She usually likes to tell me things about other people, and the world. But this time, she told me about myself, and I couldn't be more grateful. I went with my instincts, and my instincts are correct. I'm sure I will go and hang with my neighbors again, as they seem to be a fun bunch, but I will go into the situation with a higher self awareness, and will strive not to get lost in the illusions and characters that I am prone to being fooled by.
If you're still reading this, thank you. I feel very blessed.
When I pulled in, the bonfire was about 30ft high. It had been a long time since I had been to a bonfire, and also a long time (2+ months) since I had any human interaction outside of the scope of co-workers and customers. That being said I was starving for genuine peer interaction. They are a very country bunch, which I kind of enjoy; it reminds me of home. Country music on the radio, 30 ft. fire, cornhole, beer, and a genuinely hilarious dynamic. I was really enjoying myself, so I had a few beers, played some cornhole, and joined in on the banter. At first everything was pretty cool. I was laughing, I was making others laugh, and the whole aesthetic was generally agreeable. As the night progressed, something was a bit off. Nothing super notable, but there was a feeling. At about 2am, I finished my game, and my last beer, and walked back to my house. My dog, as always was waiting for me with a wagging tail and sloppy doggy kisses; my favorite. I let him on his lead so he could go to the bathroom before bed, and walked into the house.
Upon entering the house, I felt an initial wave of relief, followed by a secondary wave of anxiety, then the purge of that anxiety followed by understanding, and an urge. The understanding was of why things felt off. I lost my confidence in myself during my time at the bonfire, largely because I saw myself reverting back to bits of my old self that I thought had died a long time ago. Namely, the fact that in social situations I can fall into this trapping of my personality and imagination. I find myself playing a character, and almost performing for people, because I feel that my own, normal personality is not likable enough. In the past I have fallen into this problem a lot; sometimes for months at a time. And the urge. The urge was to take a journey. It had been 6 months since I had done any spice, and I had a new batch made about 3 weeks ago.
Now I know what most of you are thinking, and I agree. Alcohol and spice do not compliment one another, but I felt like I needed to delve into this problem while it was fresh. I went upstairs and grabbed my pipe (a primitive, but effective chillum with a copper wool filter) and loaded it with roughly 35-50mg by eye, took three hits, and lay back in my bed. Before I did this I put on an hour and a half long recording of Icaros. The colors and fractals began shortly and folded in and out of themselves. The music and the trip were in the most beautiful synchronicity. It had been a while so I was reacquating myself with the scenery, but got distracted looking at the strangeness of my arm, and at some point, I realized I was avoiding the matter at hand. Once I came to this realization, I dropped my hands at my sides, closed my eyes and began to meditate. I was remembering that the only thing I truly need is to love myself, my family, and my dog (who is family, but mentioning him is relevant to the story). Right at that moment, he jumped up and wanted to play. He looked so different, but alive and happy like he always does. I told him we would play in a little bit and he laid his head down on my shoulder, and it hit me. It was like the spice was repeating a mantra in my head. Just BE. And love him. And BE. It repeated over and over again inside my head, and it was so simple, but so beautiful in its simplicity that I began to weep tears of joy. It's crazy how we get so caught up with our day to day that we just forget to be, and love, and be. It brought all of the weirdness of the earlier bits of the night into the most crisp clarity, and I know what I need to integrate.
This is one of the most simple, yet profound experiences the spice has ever given me. She usually likes to tell me things about other people, and the world. But this time, she told me about myself, and I couldn't be more grateful. I went with my instincts, and my instincts are correct. I'm sure I will go and hang with my neighbors again, as they seem to be a fun bunch, but I will go into the situation with a higher self awareness, and will strive not to get lost in the illusions and characters that I am prone to being fooled by.
If you're still reading this, thank you. I feel very blessed.
