Just venting...

[SpireCatalyst]

I'd like to apologize ahead of time. This may come off needy or as if I am whining, which I may very well be.

I've seeked advice from those I respect and love but subjective and lenient, generic advice only goes so far these days.

I've grown into a person I don't recognize anymore, I make decisions that lead to, often dramatic, situations that I find that could have been avoided with the the slightest bit of common sense. And it is straining the majority of relationships that I still have. I'm 24 years young, and even younger at heart, told older in mind and experience in life(apparently been thru things a lot have not). Point being, as an introvert, I feel as if the things that have shaped me or the things I hold inside are beginning to boil over. I have an optimistic disposition, but the sharade is wearing thin.

I'm to the point now where I KNOW I'm the only one capable of helping me. But my drive and desire are shrouded my doubt fear of failure.

Thanks for listening. I'm not sure what I expected to come of this post, I guess maybe objective opinion/advice?
I dunno, anywho....thanks.

 

[acacian]

wow this post really resonated with me... i'm still trying to figure out what to say that might help.. i'll get back to ya

I will say this though... find someone who you can be comfortably transparent with. For me a good candidate is somebody whom I have a bit of a yin and yang type relationship with... i.e somebody who knows you in and out... the positives and the negatives. somebody you can be honest about what you really feel to. someone you can get angry with and still retain the best of friends. for me, I've recently gotten in touch with a friend whom i've known since i began highschool, and whilst i haven't talked to them in a long time prior, they knew the younger more boistrous me.. and because of that I feel like they know a part of me that most people dont. and i naturally feel more comfortable talking about myself with them. the less time i spend around people the harder I find this transparency is to establish. vice versa, the easier. transparency is key. speaking from the heart is medicine

 

[No Knowing]

I'm the same age and have been experiencing much of the same feelings of disconnect between the interior world and exterior reality that you described. I find it hard to resonate with many people but find myself enraptured by those few that I have any kind of common ground with. Finding those people that you feel like you can, "let-go", and just "be" around are important to social and personal survival.

Also, trying to maintain some kind of optimist perspective while avoiding pessimist perspectives leads away from the natural human ups and downs of emotion and thought. Accepting both negative and positive emotions or worldviews as fleeting creations of your own fleeting mind may help.

 

[SpireCatalyst]

I appreciate the advice Brick, Ive been with my beautiful girlfriend for some time now, about 5 years, and a few of my friends are these people you speak of. They know me inside and out, I've always made it a point to be straight forward and honest with my opinions, but when it comes to my emotions I'm very over analytical, I can only express so much with my words without feeling repetitive, change has been happening so slow that I just feel stuck. I suppose you're right, I need to learn to just let things out, but a lot of times its hard for me to explain how or even why I feel the way I do.

It's like I'm waiting for answers I haven't figured out the questions to yet.

And Void, you're right about the "Ups and downs" being natural, I don't feel I avoid either. It just seems, to me, the downs are becoming more frequent lately. I don't consider myself depressed, just...disconnected was a good word for it.

 

[anrchy]

In the past when this kind of thing would happen to me, I would seek to change major parts of my life. The people who I hung out with, where I lived, my job, my car, my hobbies even.

I would take advantage of that and "remold" my self. Start anew. Certain friends whom I was really close with I took with me, or stayed in close contact rather. Some people can be an energy vampire.

I'm not entirely sure what your going through without more details so my post may not apply to you. But if you don't like who you have become, changing your surroundings will help shape your mindset into a different one.

 

[SpireCatalyst]

Damn good point anrchy, I've long considered making a drastic change to my life, judo start again if you will. But that's one of the thing I can't seem to find the drive for.

I know change may not be what fixes me, but I know its necessary to try. I just can't seem to take that first step.

 

[onethousandk]

In the past when this kind of thing would happen to me, I would seek to change major parts of my life. The people who I hung out with, where I lived, my job, my car, my hobbies even.

This. I strongly believe that it is infinitely harder to change your inner state if your outer state remains the same. Do things you haven't before. Change your routine. Find the things that get you closer to the type of person you want to be. Do more of that. Less of the types of things that you can see holding you back.

 

[Guyomech]

You talk about inadvertently starting awkward situations around you... But is it really inadvertent? Some part of you may already be working on that big change, challenging and testing the relationships with those around you, maybe trying to shed some of the baggage. And I don't have any details at all, but from this distance, I have to wonder if that "person you barely recognize" isn't just a part of your process of evolution.

The early/ mid twenties can be a period of rapid evolution... Parts of it won't make sense till later. Plus you are taking psychedelics, which are likely to guide you more in the direction of what you really want out of life, rather than what those around you want/expect you to be doing. This can cause conflicts, but you just Have to push through. Trust me, it'll all make sense soon enough.

Back when I was your age (insert crusty old prospector's voice here) I had a landmark tattoo studio in Chicago, with a handful of employees and people visiting from around the world. At the same time, I was putting more time into my painting, and starting to take those "heroic" LSD and shroom voyages. And I was in conflict. People depended on me, plus my ego was very attached to the shop and all the prestige associated with it. But all I really wanted to do was paint, explore my mind, and get away from people. Except for my beautiful girlfriend, whom I had to convince to move from our fast paced city life to a rambling do-it-yerselfer in the middle of nowhere. So it was a complicated situation that involved having to disappoint a lot of people. But I did it. And over 15 years later here I am, living the dream. Except the house still isn't finished.

Anyway, I hope that sheds some light on your situation.

 

[SpireCatalyst]

That does shed some light Guy. Tho I may have been vague about how these situations arise. I make decisions to or not to do certain things, sometimes on the vow of my word, and most of the time its inadvertent but recently I have caused offense or caused people to gain distrust in myself. All of the situations that have happened seem fabricated but are honestly just a series of shitty events.

I have recently been trying to better my life by distancing myself from some friends that focus on parties or bars, and gained a lot of ridicule for my transformation from my previous party self, expected, but it passed.

I guess what I meant by "not recognizing myself" is that, I was never so down trotten, I'm not pleased with my current self because ny current self truely contradicts the person everybody said they grew to love and respect. Maybe I'm looking too far into it, and its not as bad as it seems.

But until I actually see the change its hard for me to notice if its actually happening. I don't think subconsciously that I'm doing these things because I WANT to change...I believe I keep falling into these situations because I'm in fact NOT changing...and this is my punishment for not fulfilling my "potential" that I keep hearing I have.

 

[Guyomech]

Maybe you're changing, but your immediate environment (including your social one) is not changing fast enough to keep up. Don't worry, you'll find that equilibrium.

 

[SpireCatalyst]

Thanks Guy, I appreciate the reassurance. And that's a good theory, I think ill ride it out and give that a try.

 

[anrchy]

I remember when I quit partying so much. A ton of "friends" disappeared. It was actually kind of a welcome addition to the change I was creating.

Everytime I came to a point in my life where I felt I needed a change, what had happened I believe, was that I had come to a crossroads of sorts. I was developing into my self and there were certain aspects that weren't fitting into my vision of who I was and wanted to be.

I'm actually at that point again. Uhg. But it's still for the better. We will be moving into a much needed bigger house. Me, being my gf and I. Over the last several months I have again slightly adjusted who I refer to as friends. I have acquired "organization" as a needed attribute in my life. DMT and other psychedelics are now fully part of my life again, but in a slightly different way the they were before. My outlook on life has adjusted itself according to these changes. My goals and dreams are slightly shifted.

I see good things ahead. Always positive.

Good luck my man

 

[SpireCatalyst]

Yeah right now I'm actually taking a break from my beloved psychedelics, not because I don't think they help, lol they definately do, I just feel that during these trying times my brain needs to calculate these things with a "clear" mind. I've recently realized that although they help in a variety of ways, when it comes to point such as this in my life I tend to dwell FAAAAR deeper into what would otherwise be routine emotional challenges.

 

[No Knowing]

A break can definitely be helpful at certain points in life. I find that when I am in a period of intense change during life, I require the decisiveness allowed through a clear head with generally stable programs. Often psychedelics can help us open new avenues of change and growth, but, they sometimes allow us to overthink those decisions that would be simpler to just "go" on our gut instinct. Sometimes when the outside is stagnant we shake up our interior world with psychedelics, but, when the outside is chaotic we may need the stability of a clear inner-space for a period.

This stems from their ability to open new perspectives on our challenges that come from outside our present thinking patterns. Sometimes residing in a more slowly evolving perspective can be more helpful than the rapidly changing mind that exists during periods of frequent psychedelic use.

 

[Gowpen]

Maybe you're changing, but your immediate environment (including your social one) is not changing fast enough to keep up. Don't worry, you'll find that equilibrium.

Absolutely. !!!
Maybe a bit of, feeling guilty for not being who people think you are thrown in.

You said
"I've grown into a person I don't recognize anymore, I make decisions that lead to, often dramatic, situations that I find that could have been avoided with the the slightest bit of common sense."
May I ask, what fuels this behaviour. Where 'was' your common sense bro ?
Anger can do all kinds of damage to common sense. As can jelousy and of course substances. Mixed together can be very destructive indeed.
Generally 'controlling' behaviour is often punctuated with emotional spikes. Learning to live socially and civilly is not always easy for some people. Change is stressfull by its very nature. But beleive it or not 'some' stress can be beneficial. Eustress - Wikipedia

"I just feel that during these trying times my brain needs to calculate these things with a "clear" mind. I've recently realized that although they help in a variety of ways, when it comes to point such as this in my life I tend to dwell FAAAAR deeper into what would otherwise be routine emotional challenges."

Very good thinking ! Making decisions with a clear head is always a good thing. At least 51% of your thoughts. :thumb_up:
Sounds like change is on its way for you, good luck and fair well. G

 

[SpireCatalyst]

Gowpen, you asked " May I ask, what fuels this behaviour. Where 'was' your common sense bro ?"

During those times my initial intentions were pure, and good in nature, but certain circumstances would arise later on that required a decision that most of the time were "on the spot", history would show that following my gut intention was ALWAYS the way to go, but it seems my gut has been lying to me. I haven't been taking the time to consider the consequences of my actions, regardless of how pure those intentions were.

I do suppose I am angry, at a variety of things, but I actively try to not let that influence how I treat people or decisions. But then again when on the spot, maybe I don't try so actively as I thought.

You all have definitely given me some food for thought. And I appreciate all of it.