Making Ayahuasca first time questions (C-PTSD also)

[thesupersoap33]

Hey, new here. Trying to at least make my first batch presently. I found a recipe on another site and it calls for 50 g caapi vine and then 13 g of mimosa hostilis. I already cooked down the caapi into two doses, roughly 55 g apiece using vinegar and distilled water. Right now, I'm broke. BUT! a friend had some acacia confusa lying around and just gave me 50 g to play with. I don't know how mimosa and acacia compare, and need help from people to know what to do, what this will change, and what to expect, AND is this the way I want to go about doing this my first time. Any input is very welcome.

On another note: I am terribly afraid of this stuff. I haven't found a sitter yet. People I know are willing to sit me, but I fear other people so bad in my life right now. I'm not trusting people and slowly shutting myself down it feels like. I feel like I can barely work. I am full of dread and there is this abyss... I'm not joking. There is an abyss that when I fall asleep exhausted after work, it's like my mind is just treading just to keep me from falling into this hole. I have to lie to myself in order to stay out of it. I wake up shaking and not wanting to go on and have seriously considered suicide. I was diagnosed as having ptsd a few years ago, but I have known for sometime that something is very wrong. I discovered that I had a dissociative disorder in my early twenties and began experimenting with psychedelics because I thought they might help. Low and behold, I was raped by my father sometime around the age of two and this came out of me about the time that I had tried mdma, mescaline, lsd, and mushrooms... all small amounts just to experiment. My life has been hell ever since, but it wasn't much better not knowing. I'm plagued by thoughts, memories and my own hypervigilence and I'm returning to psychedelics with a lot of doubts about how much they can help me. I don't want to die, but I don't want to go on living like this either. So I've dosed on mushrooms and took lsd earlier this year. Both trigger very intense feelings and can cause me to go into a spell where I re-experience the trauma. I'm barely holding together as it is, and I'm so desperate for answers and at the same time refuse to believe that I can heal. I'm very very depressed.

Anyways, If you have some experience, please share it. And if you know a shaman, please put me in contact. I want to be healed, but I'm also acting like I always have like everything is fine on the outside, and that's what's making my life a living hell. Also, I've you can help me finish making my brew that would be good, even if I don't know where and with who I'm going to take it with yet. I'll be reading posts on here to try and find more info in the meantime. Thanks.

 

[Running Bear]

You have Considered suicide, have ptsd, and was raped by your father. Listen to me ayahuasca is no more a miracle cure than magic mushrooms or LSD. To be completely honest with you Psilocybin the active ingredient in mushrooms is basically DMT with a oxygen atom and it offers a very similar experience 2 ayahuasca. You're not in the right mind space for a powerful psychedelic. What you do need is a good therapist and to surround yourself with good people. Half these shamans and new age people are freaking crazy and can make your problems a lot worse. I'm not saying to never take aya i just think you should try other things first. If you do decide to drink a brew make sure you have something like xanax in your pocket!

 

[DmnStr8]

I am truly sorry you are going through all of this! Heartbreaking to read. Please consider going and talking to a professional. It takes courage to ask for help. It can be hard to admit when you feel so depressed. An ache inside to just be normal and feel something besides pain. There are many routes of healing. From a doctor to a shaman. If shamanism interests you then seek out a local shaman in your area. Like I said, please consider reaching out to a qualified professional to help you through this difficult time in your life. You deserve healing.

I understand that you want to explore the healing properties of psychedelics at the moment, but this may not be the best time for it. You can always revisit psychedelics at a later date when you are in a better frame of mind.

In the mean time, quiet your mind as best you can. Try and fit meditation into your daily routine. Eat healthy. Go for a walk. Surround yourself with those you love and tell them what is going on with you. Be gentle with yourself right now. Treat yourself as you would a child that was scared. Do your best to comfort yourself. Tell yourself over and over everything is going to be ok.

You stated you were interested in shamanism. The following prayer has significantly helped me with better perspectives, quality of thought, and my recognition of my feelings. Fear can press on you. It wants in. It wants total control. Take back control and learn to focus on the positive. Just tell yourself you deserve healing and you will find yourself on the path of healing. Push past your fears one at a time. You can do it!!

The Shaman's Prayer
I am already given to the power that rules my fate.
I have no thoughts so I can see.
I fear nothing so that I will remember myself.
I cling to nothing so I have nothing to defend.
Detached and at ease I will dart past the eagle.
To be free.​

 

[thesupersoap33]

I've been in therapy the last six years. I ran out screaming the last time I was in there calling my therapist a bitch and saying she didn't know how to do her fucking job... That maybe it would be better if she just work with kids or someone that could sit there and easily nod to her advice. I had a lot of friends in recovery. I do not let people like me or care. Most of the people I know are confused or on the ropes themselves. Feeling feelings is not something I do easily. Its so not easy that I keep referring back to psychedelics.

Thank it out for your advise though.

 

[Chaska]

freeze / thaw x2-3 on broken vine soaked in water
pressure cook vine
discard vine
reduce half/ filter
reduce to almost viscous

add dmt admixture (chacruna/p viridis) on lowest heat possible, finely shred dmt plants, cover pot
leave on heat for 2 h ours on low, keep covered and turn off
let sit / strain
its ready



best of luck nexian,
godspeed

 

[Psilosopher?]

Got nothing more to add to Running Bear and DmnStr8. Perhaps you should look into taking up a hobby, going to live music and meeting people, exercise etc.

Psychedelics can be a harrowing experience. Even a little stress can turn the experiences into something nasty.

 

[Running Bear]

The thing that people don't understand is that prior to 1993 ayahuasca wasn't even used for healing. It was used as a source of information. You said that mushrooms and LSD are causing you to re-experience the trauma. ayahuasca does the same exact thing. Your not going to wake up the next day free of anxiety and depression. If anything your going to be even more depressed and thinking to yourself wow i really need to work on my self lol.

 

[Chaska]

you have some psychological issues

ayahuasca can heal psychological issues

healing can be very painful

pain in a psychedelic sense, is no laughing matter





i think perhaps your discovery in your 20s was the beginning to your healing, and it seems you are back on track to continue with this therapy.

gaze eternal a thousand lives and your wicks flame won't flicker (as much)




id like to suggest starting with doses that are micro or sub threshold, this helps create a trust with the plants you experience. the more trust the more buffer to the chaos that can be a psychedelic experience, entheogenic if you will.

its good to stay hungry for the next level and not fly too close to the sun and spend time mending wings
the tortoise beats the rabbit right


what I'm trying to say is...

turtle power

 

[SEQ_EXPLORER]

There is some great advice in this thread. The suggestion for professional help shouldn’t be ignored. If you have had a bad experience with one therapist, then trying another, and then another, until you find one that fits will do you more good than you think. I know I’m a noob here but I’d like to weigh in with my thoughts if I may.

It is always sad to hear someone suffering through painful memories of traumatic experiences and events. Equally, it is uplifting to know that they have the gumption to face their fears and work through their thoughts. It sounds like happiness and serenity is what you crave, as do we all. I have experienced my fair share of a tough ride in life during childhood and then as a troubled soul after active service in Iraq and Afghanistan.

There was a time when I believed psychedelic substances to be magical medicines for broken brains. I’d come to believe in the healing properties of hallucinogens long before I even set eyes upon them, let alone ingest and endure what I soon learnt was to be far more complicated than just swallowing a pill.

To be clear, I still believe in the healing power of psychedelics but my understanding of just how they go about their task has evolved. I don’t remember who or what instilled me with the romantic notion that a potion could be ingested to magically wash away negative thoughts and painful memories and I can’t remember how many times I tried. Amplifying precisely what I aimed to attenuate was the only fruit my efforts bore.

I guess I was a slow learner because it took me a long time to realise that the answers I sought were inside me all along. I spent a lot of time seeking a magic path to the version of me I wanted to be but not a lot of time growing that version of me in the real world. Thrashing out my thoughts with a professional was essential. What I am trying to explain here is that powerful psychedelics can not and will not fix anything on their own. What they will do is slap you in the face with exactly what you need to be working on, kind of like a well meaning but misguided Uncle slapping the back of your head to teach you a lesson.

Just like a slap on the back of your head won't stop you from erring again, nor will a psychedelic stop you from experiencing painful memories. I am trying to be tender footed with what I am saying here because I know that your traumatic experiences were not your fault. Nothing will take them away but changing how you think about them will make you a better version of you. 10 pounds of mushrooms and 10 gallons of ayahuasca later and you will still be exactly who you are now if you don’t find a better way to process your thoughts.

It is great to hear that psychedelics have helped you identify what you need to work on but now it is time to find a ‘good’ therapist and make them work for their paycheck. As the great Alan Watts would say: “You are who you keep seeking.”

 

[Final Incarnate]

The thing that people don't understand is that prior to 1993 ayahuasca wasn't even used for healing. It was used as a source of information. You said that mushrooms and LSD are causing you to re-experience the trauma. ayahuasca does the same exact thing. Your not going to wake up the next day free of anxiety and depression. If anything your going to be even more depressed and thinking to yourself wow i really need to work on my self lol.

I basically 2nd this, but imo if we inside human bodies have to work etc, maybe these Aya Gods also have their own form of "work" so why bother them in their "down time" for a Dr.Phil session .

Go their to Play with the Gods becomes M8s/friends .

 

[Final Incarnate]

Hey, new here. Trying to at least make my first batch presently. I found a recipe on another site and it calls for 50 g caapi vine and then 13 g of mimosa hostilis. I already cooked down the caapi into two doses, roughly 55 g apiece using vinegar and distilled water. Right now, I'm broke. BUT! a friend had some acacia confusa lying around and just gave me 50 g to play with. I don't know how mimosa and acacia compare, and need help from people to know what to do, what this will change, and what to expect, AND is this the way I want to go about doing this my first time. Any input is very welcome.

On another note: I am terribly afraid of this stuff. I haven't found a sitter yet. People I know are willing to sit me, but I fear other people so bad in my life right now. I'm not trusting people and slowly shutting myself down it feels like. I feel like I can barely work. I am full of dread and there is this abyss... I'm not joking. There is an abyss that when I fall asleep exhausted after work, it's like my mind is just treading just to keep me from falling into this hole. I have to lie to myself in order to stay out of it. I wake up shaking and not wanting to go on and have seriously considered suicide. I was diagnosed as having ptsd a few years ago, but I have known for sometime that something is very wrong. I discovered that I had a dissociative disorder in my early twenties and began experimenting with psychedelics because I thought they might help. Low and behold, I was raped by my father sometime around the age of two and this came out of me about the time that I had tried mdma, mescaline, lsd, and mushrooms... all small amounts just to experiment. My life has been hell ever since, but it wasn't much better not knowing. I'm plagued by thoughts, memories and my own hypervigilence and I'm returning to psychedelics with a lot of doubts about how much they can help me. I don't want to die, but I don't want to go on living like this either. So I've dosed on mushrooms and took lsd earlier this year. Both trigger very intense feelings and can cause me to go into a spell where I re-experience the trauma. I'm barely holding together as it is, and I'm so desperate for answers and at the same time refuse to believe that I can heal. I'm very very depressed.

Anyways, If you have some experience, please share it. And if you know a shaman, please put me in contact. I want to be healed, but I'm also acting like I always have like everything is fine on the outside, and that's what's making my life a living hell. Also, I've you can help me finish making my brew that would be good, even if I don't know where and with who I'm going to take it with yet. I'll be reading posts on here to try and find more info in the meantime. Thanks.

In regards to acrb vs mhrb , i wont be able to give super gr8 comparison .

but 10g mhrb vs 9g acrb . the mhrb felt like a drive in lil too "recreational" . ( i think it has something to do with acrb nmt content from what i heard)


Disclaimer
im no doctor nor license to give medical advise

You hold grudges and can not let things go, that is why u suffer so much . but rather then be an avenger you'd rather break down n cry .

IT IS TIME TO START THE FORGIVING PROCESS
Forgive yourself for being weak, forgive your self for being pathetic.

Call your father up and tell him u forgive him, if u can not get a hold of him Conjure him in your mind, picture him raping u, then after the rape time travel to current and say i forgive u .

( if u can not come to this then u prolly should hold off on Aya imo ) Aya is powerful to the point u may look at your hand and go wtf is this.



Your Married to your suffering get a divorce with it in which u arnt the one paying alamoney .

 

[DmnStr8]

There is some great advice in this thread. The suggestion for professional help shouldn’t be ignored. If you have had a bad experience with one therapist, then trying another, and then another, until you find one that fits will do you more good than you think. I know I’m a noob here but I’d like to weigh in with my thoughts if I may.

It is always sad to hear someone suffering through painful memories of traumatic experiences and events. Equally, it is uplifting to know that they have the gumption to face their fears and work through their thoughts. It sounds like happiness and serenity is what you crave, as do we all. I have experienced my fair share of a tough ride in life during childhood and then as a troubled soul after active service in Iraq and Afghanistan.

There was a time when I believed psychedelic substances to be magical medicines for broken brains. I’d come to believe in the healing properties of hallucinogens long before I even set eyes upon them, let alone ingest and endure what I soon learnt was to be far more complicated than just swallowing a pill.

To be clear, I still believe in the healing power of psychedelics but my understanding of just how they go about their task has evolved. I don’t remember who or what instilled me with the romantic notion that a potion could be ingested to magically wash away negative thoughts and painful memories and I can’t remember how many times I tried. Amplifying precisely what I aimed to attenuate was the only fruit my efforts bore.

I guess I was a slow learner because it took me a long time to realise that the answers I sought were inside me all along. I spent a lot of time seeking a magic path to the version of me I wanted to be but not a lot of time growing that version of me in the real world. Thrashing out my thoughts with a professional was essential. What I am trying to explain here is that powerful psychedelics can not and will not fix anything on their own. What they will do is slap you in the face with exactly what you need to be working on, kind of like a well meaning but misguided Uncle slapping the back of your head to teach you a lesson.

Just like a slap on the back of your head won't stop you from erring again, nor will a psychedelic stop you from experiencing painful memories. I am trying to be tender footed with what I am saying here because I know that your traumatic experiences were not your fault. Nothing will take them away but changing how you think about them will make you a better version of you. 10 pounds of mushrooms and 10 gallons of ayahuasca later and you will still be exactly who you are now if you don’t find a better way to process your thoughts.

It is great to hear that psychedelics have helped you identify what you need to work on but now it is time to find a ‘good’ therapist and make them work for their paycheck. As the great Alan Watts would say: “You are who you keep seeking.”

:thumb_up: Well stated!

 

[thesupersoap33]

Thanks for your input everyone.

Yes, I'm trying to find a new "free" therapist because I'm broke so it's back to the free therapy center, which is pretty shit imo. But it's someone to talk to.

I'm back to micro-dosing mushrooms. It's been a week and a half since my last big trip. On the micro-dosing, I get a lot of energy and it's definitely more emotional... it's all emotional really. my body wants to get it out and my mind wants everything to stay put. Yes, I don't know what psychedelics do exactly. What I do know is that I'm a creature in a rut that can't see out of the rut. It's very sad and it kills me to be aware of this about myself. I see that I have been doing the same things over and over and over again for decades. I want to die, or give up. There is no break or change. I exercise, I do my best to go to work. I just am having trouble fighting the idea of suicide because I have become very isolated and I just don't see life getting any better for whatever reason. Nothing is changing. Life is very flat and scary to me. That's the dissociation. It's horrible to be dissociated constantly. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's like freedom has been taken away. I would explain it like this, without metaphors. In my mind I go to my grandmother's house. I never liked it. My body hated it. My mind kept me from losing it. I never lost all that "shit" that I needed to lose in order to escape that place. I need to lose it in order to come back to reality maybe?

I feel like a slave to everything.

Once again, thanks for all your comments. I've read them all several times. And thank for your experiences too. I don't want to dissociate anymore. Just want to live in the present in peace with myself. That's all. I don't want to do drugs or fuck myself up any worse, trust me. I just believed that psychedelics could help me escape this mental prison I'm in where I'm constantly getting more and more resentful of the entire world and my time here whenever I wake up. I'm met with waves of mental denial and lies, a body full of tension that desperately wants to break out of it, and depression and gallons of shame for even being allowed to exist. Obligations to jobs and people I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even be around if I were free, the list goes on.

I would call my father if he didn't die of cancer. I can neither confirm nor deny that I hit him on his deathbed and screamed at him as loud as I could. I would love to forgive him, but I have no idea what the fuck that would even entail. people talk about it like it's so easy when someone raped me and took advantage of me when I was defenseless. people make it seem like his suffering was his punishment. I just want to be at peace with myself. There is obviously something not happening that needs to happen.

 

[Final Incarnate]

I would call my father if he didn't die of cancer. I can neither confirm nor deny that I hit him on his deathbed and screamed at him as loud as I could. I would love to forgive him, but I have no idea what the fuck that would even entail. people talk about it like it's so easy when someone raped me and took advantage of me when I was defenseless. people make it seem like his suffering was his punishment. I just want to be at peace with myself. There is obviously something not happening that needs to happen.

I know its a f***ed up thing to happen, exact reason to let it go n forgive. u sitting there feeling sorry for yourself n feeling like shit aint helping ya.

hes dead, i mean how can u get revenge ? call a medium up and have them curse him in his current incarnation or w/e he is lol .

only 2 options are be a loser and drown in self pitty , or forgive n move on and surpass your "former Self" which is just a bitter defeated loser.


Lets assume Earth is a Prison planet and all those conspiracy noobs are correct. And things like psyche medicine are in fact methods of "decoding" the matrix.

wouldnt u having this f***ed up situation be one of those traps planted with in Terrarium Terra ( prison planet earth ) in hopes of keeping u at a low vibe, and never focusing beyond human realm .


btw dont think im being too harsh , coz some of the stuff i said if u were to drink Aya right now, their is a very good chance u may be feeling like some of the stuff i said about your current form.

 

[Running Bear]

hes dead, i mean how can u get revenge ? call a medium up and have them curse him in his current incarnation or w/e he is lol .

only 2 options are be a loser and drown in self pitty , or forgive n move on and surpass your "former Self" which is just a bitter defeated loser.

Why would you even say that?
:x

 

[Final Incarnate]

hes dead, i mean how can u get revenge ? call a medium up and have them curse him in his current incarnation or w/e he is lol .

only 2 options are be a loser and drown in self pitty , or forgive n move on and surpass your "former Self" which is just a bitter defeated loser.

Why would you even say that?
:x

Ay m8 I know parts of my post are harsh , but plz understand everything i posted was a benevolent Intent and not a mean or hostile one.

Ive always had hard time answering whys on things of self expression and Transcendant expression .

but it was me reading about thesupersoap33 story and responding best way i could.
plz also keep in mind his/her post was regarding taking aya , it is very possible if he/she were to consume it right now, an unimaginable amount of rage could surface and possibly result in her getting a massive anxiety/panic attack which could result in Death .

if many humans or incarnated humans have warm primate love, mine is more reptilian .

I myself am on an Adventure right now, and rather doing my thing i wanted to come here and check on this thread .

l8r m8

 

[thesupersoap33]

I think I need to cry more for myself and my struggle, honestly, to get to the real me. Too much talking about it is self-pity. I just need to release it. Rage does come to the surface too. That and a great deal of confusion. Like yesterday, I micro dosed way before work to see if I could work some stuff out. I am very confused about mushrooms and what they do or if they even have a purpose or if they're even medicine, or why I ask all these questions, other than I am afraid I am doing more harm than good for myself. Because I cried and screamed and raged a lot. I was abused, then told to go to school, to be good, to not talk, to not cry, to ignore every instinct I have in order to survive people that weren't even strong. They were just holding things over my head to keep an imaginary situation i.e. FAMILY together. I dose and don't even know who I am. I just know that I'm afraid and hiding in my mind, meanwhile my body is full of tension and essentially numb, tense and on the defense. I feel like society and people don't care. I feel alone and helpless and like I have to push everything in me that's screaming aside so I can "survive" this world, and it's just not worth it to me. I have to validate what's there and it seems like an impossible order and all I have are these fucking chemicals like LSD and aya and mush and molly. It seems like a joke to me, or really distressing to use chemicals as tools.

The last time I took LSD, it was a shitstorm of stuff. I cried and shook and screamed for about thirty minutes before I was told to stop for my own safety. First, if you're ever tripping with someone and they start to cry and shake and scream, let them fucking do it, esp, if they've given you a heads up about some shit possibly coming to the surface. And let them do it the entire trip if need be also. Remind them that you are here and that whatever they are doing is fine. It's been months since that trip, and I still wake up angry at the people I was tripping with because they trip for their reasons and I trip for mine. I felt like I was denied my own experience. This is why I need support. I was asking them for support and only got it for a little while. Those two people I tripped with have since relapsed into crack and booze and I don't know if I can forgive them either, honestly. They've lost a lot in their lives too, but sort of laugh it off and say dumb shit like, it's always going to be there, and blah blah blah. Sick assholes if you ask me. and during that trip I did look at my hands and was like what the fuck is this. And then I cried again. I'm attached to this body and everything that's happened to it. I'm going to die one day. This life has been endless suffering. Those are the things I kept thinking about. That and hating the company I was with. Not everyone is interested in healing. maybe they didn't have anything to heal. I just want that to be my MY intention. I don't want to dance or any of that shit. All this bad stuff has happened and I'm tired of pushing it aside.

And as for the aya, I would try a quarter dose. Rage, hopefully, would come to the surface. In those cases I find a pillow is good at shouting into and I let my body shake and thrash the way it needs to. It would be so nice to have someone encouraging there, though, that could guide the release instead of trying to stop it or calm me or anything like that. it isn't helpful for emotional or physical pain that one NEEDS to feel to get through imo.

 

[thesupersoap33]

you have some psychological issues

ayahuasca can heal psychological issues

healing can be very painful

pain in a psychedelic sense, is no laughing matter





i think perhaps your discovery in your 20s was the beginning to your healing, and it seems you are back on track to continue with this therapy.

gaze eternal a thousand lives and your wicks flame won't flicker (as much)




id like to suggest starting with doses that are micro or sub threshold, this helps create a trust with the plants you experience. the more trust the more buffer to the chaos that can be a psychedelic experience, entheogenic if you will.

its good to stay hungry for the next level and not fly too close to the sun and spend time mending wings
the tortoise beats the rabbit right


what I'm trying to say is...

turtle power[/quote



I'm doing just this. It is very painful. Tripping is still pretty scary for me. A lot of fear and crying and lacking support for what I'm trying to do. I'm still taking smaller doses. I tell you what, my life isn't what I thought it was. I'm more scared than I thought. I believe it can be healing and honestly I don't know what the fuck some of you are talking about. Fix myself becore I do psuchedelics? I thought that's what this stuff was on earth for... to assist in fixing ourselves. Yeah it sounds terrible reliving an event or facing feelings under the influence. And I feel stupid believing in it too. But the ego wants to survive... It's not going to give an ounce of thought to relinquishing control. I'll agree I need a sitter or an outsider to lead me through though.