Need Help From Men, Specifically, Working Through Feelings of Violence and The Philosophy of Being Wronged

[Sky Motion]

I’m dealing with a situation that has been bothering me for a while (over a year), and I’m trying to process my feelings around it. Someone who was a good friend has deeply wronged me, stolen money from me during addiction, and also rubbed it in my face disrespectfully, so that after they got their shit together, they made it very clear that I would not be paid back unless I go by their terms. They showed a level of disrespect that hits hard. Naturally, part of me wants to react and teach them a lesson, or at least express the anger I feel physically. But I also know that acting on violence or letting impulses take over is not the answer... (sigh)


The struggle is finding closure. I keep asking myself if, when I am older, will I regret always letting people walk over me? . Or will I regret the moments when I acted rashly and did not rise above the situation? I have never been in a fight, or struggled with feelings of violence or revenge before this incident (and ive been around a little bit!)


I am curious if other men here have struggled with similar feelings, such as wanting to strike back or assert yourself when you have been wronged, and how you have handled that tension. How do you cope with the urge for retribution while still staying true to being the bigger man? Any perspectives, personal experiences, or advice would be appreciated, I can't seem to let it go.

 

[Nydex]

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this betrayal and the resulting emotions. While I haven't been in the exact same situation, and also have never been one to react violently or get in a physical altercation with anyone on my own volition, I have been in situations where I've been betrayed and disappointed by someone I held near and dear to my heart.

There is one thing you said that I want to focus on a bit more:

when I am older, will I regret always letting people walk over me?

The way I see it, you only let people walk over you if you allow them to not learn from their mistakes. There are moments in life when you just need to walk away and preserve yourself. This looks to me like one of those moments. They made a choice that you cannot influence in any meaningful way, because they are not open to changing their ways. This is their own decision.

You have two options - carry these emotions around with you and let them rot you from the inside, or let them go and leave this in the past. I always choose the second. And while it may hurt to lose someone you cared about, with time it will become obvious that it was the only right choice.

You will find the strength to forgive them at some point, to see the world through their eyes and maybe even attain a sliver of understanding about why they did what they did. But do not let the reactive part of yourself take a hold of you. Do not fall low enough to resort to violence and physicality.

Being the bigger man means knowing when you are no longer valued and leaving. You have only so much time and energy you can give to others. Spend those two invaluable resources carefully and always remember that those which are worth keeping around will naturally come into your life when you have the resource availability for them. To have that resource availability, you need to know when to cut someone loose.

Hope that helps, and sending you love

 

[Sky Motion]

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this betrayal and the resulting emotions. While I haven't been in the exact same situation, and also have never been one to react violently or get in a physical altercation with anyone on my own volition, I have been in situations where I've been betrayed and disappointed by someone I held near and dear to my heart.

There is one thing you said that I want to focus on a bit more:


The way I see it, you only let people walk over you if you allow them to not learn from their mistakes. There are moments in life when you just need to walk away and preserve yourself. This looks to me like one of those moments. They made a choice that you cannot influence in any meaningful way, because they are not open to changing their ways. This is their own decision.

You have two options - carry these emotions around with you and let them rot you from the inside, or let them go and leave this in the past. I always choose the second. And while it may hurt to lose someone you cared about, with time it will become obvious that it was the only right choice.

You will find the strength to forgive them at some point, to see the world through their eyes and maybe even attain a sliver of understanding about why they did what they did. But do not let the reactive part of yourself take a hold of you. Do not fall low enough to resort to violence and physicality.

Being the bigger man means knowing when you are no longer valued and leaving. You have only so much time and energy you can give to others. Spend those two invaluable resources carefully and always remember that those which are worth keeping around will naturally come into your life when you have the resource availability for them. To have that resource availability, you need to know when to cut someone loose.

Hope that helps, and sending you love

Thanks Nydex

"The way I see it, you only let people walk over you if you allow them to not learn from their mistakes."

This is actually where im having the most of the problem, I have allowed this person to just rob me with no consequence. This is isolated to one situation, not repeated thankfully, I do have a high respect for myself.

I had them blocked on all socials and everything, basically had moved on fully, then they randomly ran into me in my city at a casino and it retriggered a lot of bad emotions.

I really have put myself through their lens and do pity them.

But it all comes back to that philosophical question (will I regret not ever standing up for myself in a huge way) or am I standing up for my higher self by just wiping my memory of this MIB style.

Appreciate your words, will re read a few times and try to let it sink in. I've never been like this, this isn't me!

 

[Jamie01]

If I am being honest I’d want to hit them. It’s not advisable lol

 

[northape]

But it all comes back to that philosophical question (will I regret not ever standing up for myself in a huge way) or am I standing up for my higher self by just wiping my memory of this MIB style.

Standing up for yourself is doing what @Nydex suggested and leaving it all behind. You do it inside yourself first. Don't expect a speedy change, even if you're set on it. Everything takes time, and you'll get triggered again. Once it happens, just remind yourself that you're strong and let that sh#t go.

I had a similar situation with a close friend that sucked my life force for years. Our break was done over a Facebook message. I haven't seen the guy since, but I imagined going to his house and beating the lights out of him many times. I was angry for close to two years and worked a lot with this issue in my medicine ceremonies. Now it is completely behind me, and I feel that moving on without any argument was the best decision. He would never get my point and just tried to gaslight me again. Some people simply don't resonate.

Your friends seldom want to see you change; the same applies to your family. Working on yourself implies lots of inner and outer transformations, though.
That's my experience. Your response is totally normal. That's how humans work. Be a bigger man and move on with your life.

Much Love

 

[northape]

Punching a heavy bag works wonders for men, too

 

[Jamie01]

I think in the past aggressive behaviour was a much more common method of quickly solving disputes vs today. It takes more mental restraint to remain passive. It’s probly totally normal to feel at times like fighting will just solve your problem because we evolved in that sort of social climate(imo). It definitely does not solve todays problems and that feels frustrating in these sorts of situations.

 

[Animistic]

I hear you man, letting yourself be walked all over is a painful experience. That burning desire to launch a flurry of punches at their face is totally understandable and to some degree justifiable. I'm not one to reject all forms of violence, violence serves a purpose of keeping ones self and family safe but it also is so easily misused as a form to derive power over people. But at the end of the day, think of Shaolin monks, they've got a strong spiritual discipline and historically had capacity for violence (mostly due to being attacked by bandits a lot, so the story goes lol).

In this case it doesn't appear you're in an unsafe situation and there's probably a decent chunk of the rage that's felt that is, even if subconsciously, focussed at oneself for allow this to occur and not doing something about it. Directing that rage that ultimately has an element of being directed at ones self and taking it out on another will only feed other problems imo. I agree with everyone above that's said that walking away is the best thing you can do. I've only been physically violent 3 times in my life and all were before I was 18 and it solved some problems (bullying mostly) but fed a rage that was hard to handle for quite some time.

Finding a way to channel those emotions outwardly and not have them eat away at you is important. I like the suggestion of @northape, punching bags is great.

 

[Sky Motion]

Standing up for yourself is doing what @Nydex suggested and leaving it all behind. You do it inside yourself first. Don't expect a speedy change, even if you're set on it. Everything takes time, and you'll get triggered again. Once it happens, just remind yourself that you're strong and let that sh#t go.

I had a similar situation with a close friend that sucked my life force for years. Our break was done over a Facebook message. I haven't seen the guy since, but I imagined going to his house and beating the lights out of him many times. I was angry for close to two years and worked a lot with this issue in my medicine ceremonies. Now it is completely behind me, and I feel that moving on without any argument was the best decision. He would never get my point and just tried to gaslight me again. Some people simply don't resonate.

Your friends seldom want to see you change; the same applies to your family. Working on yourself implies lots of inner and outer transformations, though.
That's my experience. Your response is totally normal. That's how humans work. Be a bigger man and move on with your life.

Much Love

I appreciate your sharing your experience. You couldn't be more right about getting the point or gaslighting, etc. This is a know narcissist.

I guess a lot of the anger really does revolve around myself too like @Animistic mentioned. We all get swindles and it sucks.

But when you're swindled by someone you've known since 3rd grade over 1000$ it just makes you question his morals, your morals, my decisions of letting him slide on bad behavior towards other that i had seen in the past... i should have known this would happen to anyone he comes in contact with. Such a disappointment. I take responsibility for that.

 

[Nydex]

Treat this experience as the universe testing your self-control, emotional maturity, and resilience in the face of misfortune. To grow is to overcome the primal, reactive impulse, and remain in control of one's emotions. You got this.

 

[yatyas314]

I’m dealing with a situation that has been bothering me for a while (over a year), and I’m trying to process my feelings around it. Someone who was a good friend has deeply wronged me, stolen money from me during addiction

I have had past friends men and women steal from me, The way I got past it is I think of whatever dollar value that was taken is the cost of vetting that person out of your life. Personally it has always been a lower cost to the potential hurt and value if I had let them remain in my life.

I am curious if other men here have struggled with similar feelings, such as wanting to strike back or assert yourself when you have been wronged, and how you have handled that tension. How do you cope with the urge for retribution while still staying true to being the bigger man? Any perspectives, personal experiences, or advice would be appreciated, I can't seem to let it go.

Yes regularly I struggle with feelings of anger and potential violence, its a normal feeling and as long as your not acting it out I think your ok. Also as Northape mentioned going to a gym or if you ave access to a bag punching it out feels great.

 

[Kobranek]

Damn 1000 bones huh... people have gone missing for less. Nah all jokes aside some people will consider that enough to act out. Forget it if someone equates it to taking the food out of their babies mouth.

I've been burned and stolen from too and it is a sucky feeling where the natural reaction would be to collect with interest.

It's only a matter of time before this guy steals from the wrong person and gets his ass handed to him but that's not your beef unless he continues to act out like he can keep robbing you. Then you have no choice but to protect yourself which may require the use of a weapon. Crazy days and people out there. What's even crazier is the pent up anger and rage that one builds up to let themselves continue to be abused for one day to lash out without having a pressure relief valve. Which brings me to h'oponopono, powerful stuff to realize our transgressions are mirrors of what we are struggling within ourselves. I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you

 

[redbird]

Forgiveness is the realization that nothing was ever personal.

While this may be an advanced level implementation of that truth, it remains the same.

This is clearly a person with a very toxic internal environment. I second @Kobranek 's recommendation to prevent further losses where possible but your previous losses aren't a reflection of your failures as much as they are reflections of the failings of this person you are describing.

It can be difficult to let go of the painful feelings you're experiencing. Without going into detail, I'll just say I understand them from personal experience. But as @yatyas314 said, the amounts I actually lost pale in comparison to the gratitude I have for them showing me who they really are and helping me improve my life by having a reason to exclude them.

Good luck and just breathe.

 

[Varallo]

I’m dealing with a situation that has been bothering me for a while (over a year), and I’m trying to process my feelings around it. Someone who was a good friend has deeply wronged me, stolen money from me during addiction, and also rubbed it in my face disrespectfully, so that after they got their shit together, they made it very clear that I would not be paid back unless I go by their terms. They showed a level of disrespect that hits hard. Naturally, part of me wants to react and teach them a lesson, or at least express the anger I feel physically. But I also know that acting on violence or letting impulses take over is not the answer... (sigh)


The struggle is finding closure. I keep asking myself if, when I am older, will I regret always letting people walk over me? . Or will I regret the moments when I acted rashly and did not rise above the situation? I have never been in a fight, or struggled with feelings of violence or revenge before this incident (and ive been around a little bit!)


I am curious if other men here have struggled with similar feelings, such as wanting to strike back or assert yourself when you have been wronged, and how you have handled that tension. How do you cope with the urge for retribution while still staying true to being the bigger man? Any perspectives, personal experiences, or advice would be appreciated, I can't seem to let it go.

Your options are unfortunately limited. You can absolutely tell them one more time that you expect the money back, but after that it becomes a question of whether pursuing it will give you anything of real value.

For an amount this size, the emotional and mental cost of chasing the person would for me outweigh any possible benefit, so I would tell them that they can reimburse me and then not bother with them anymore, if you have shared friends I would clearly explain to them why you are keeping them at distance.

From people that I know who have been unlucky enough to been cheated out of their life savings, only the ones who are able to let go are still sane and happy. In short, learn to move on as all other roads lead to nowhere good.

Much love.

 

[Sky Motion]

Your options are unfortunately limited. You can absolutely tell them one more time that you expect the money back, but after that it becomes a question of whether pursuing it will give you anything of real value.

For an amount this size, the emotional and mental cost of chasing the person would for me outweighs any possible benefit, so I would tell them that they can reimburse me and then not bother with them anymore, if you have shared friends I would clearly explain to them why you are keeping them at distance.

From people that I know who have been unlucky enough to been cheated out of their life savings, only the ones who are able to let go are still sane and happy. In short, learn to move on as all other roads lead to nowhere good.

Much love.

Ty sir. Deep down I know this is the way. It's hard for my ego to accept that some people will just get away with certain insane things, and that's life. We got plenty of examples for that, to be honest it has nothing to do with the amount, I just wanted some form of justice for the first time in my life.

Nothing is even serious about the cash, because I am actually financially well off, thankfully. Just about respecting myself and being ok with the decision.

Thanks, the emotional cost is hard randomly even some time later. If anyone has any advice on how to let go easier, I'm all ears cause I've definitely tried and succeeded in at least being the bigger man for now.

 

[newusername1]

Oh man, i can relate so much to this feeling of being wronged, anger and violent thoughts. It's something i really struggle with.

As a child i nearly died from an appenditis that went horribly wrong and that infected my liver, kidneys and peritoneum. As a result of this i was sick all the time for years, and physically very weak. So in my early teens i had the reputation of being "weak like a girl", or in other words: punching bag.

Eventually i fully recovered. And for a while i still had that reputation among some people, or they wanted to restore what in their view was the natural order of things. So at some point i was physically as strong as the average 15 year old boy, but with a lot more fighting experience than most of my tormentors had individually.

By then i was able to pretty effortlessly defeat most bullies. Not all of them, but most of the bullies i've met where simply no match for me anymore.
And it gave me a sense of pride that i could defeat nasty agressive people without causing serious injuries, simply by choking them out or wrestlingthem to the ground, keeping them pinned down and intimidating the shit out of them.
And i think that because previously i used to be a victim all of the time, i had become especially very proficient in deflecting and shielding off hits and kicks, so most of their hits or kicks would never land anywhere anymore. And i'd also learned to hide pain and bite through it if needed, so if they did manage to hit me for once, it would usually only strongly demotivate them.

In streetfights, being able to not let pain affect you very much is a real superpower with a very strong psychological impact on attackers. I've seen the fear in peoples eyes when they realised they'd picked a fight with the wrong person.

So for a long time i really believed that i had overcome these traumatic experiences. By defeating my bullies and by being "the better man" by defeating them without injuring them.

But that was a lie.
The violence still haunts me, even though i haven't been in a fight for over thirty years.
I think i am hypersensitive for the body-language of people who intent to commit violence. I see bad guys everywhere.
A certain way of standing, walking or looking and i no longer see a person but a monster.

When people are going to physically abuse you, they tend to have a certain look in their eyes that says:"this is going to happen whether you like it or not".
And i've been told so many times that i was simply asking for it, being weak like a girl.

There's so much anger inside of me still.
And i think i may have become maybe a bit too good at hiding pain.
"They will never see me cry" has been rooted so deeply in my brain that i sometimes wish i would be able to be more vulnerable. In relationships with people invulnerability can really stand in the way of intimicy.

I am afraid i don't have any usefull advice. Just that old story to share.

In my day to day life, i also let people walk over me way too often. Especially at work. Especially my boss.
I sort of console myself by saying to myself that i have a strong back that can carry a lot of weight.

But i'm just too docile when it comes to saying no. Too eager to help people.

 

[The Kraken]

Or will I regret the moments when I acted rashly and did not rise above the situation?

Well, if you waxed that ass now, at least you can say you thought about it .

 

[Voidmatrix]

The struggle is finding closure. I keep asking myself if, when I am older, will I regret always letting people walk over me? . Or will I regret the moments when I acted rashly and did not rise above the situation? I have never been in a fight, or struggled with feelings of violence or revenge before this incident (and ive been around a little bit!)

But i'm just too docile when it comes to saying no. Too eager to help people.

Part of the reason I ghost people is because my empathy and compassion are overwhelming, and in consideration of the other, my feelings become overshadowed, a vestige of my father and my upbringing.

I've never been one for revenge or retribution. And it's not that I can't handle conflict or dissonance (evident by some of my actions and behaviors here), but the care for the other is for some reason paramount when I ought to be sticking up for myself.

Also, if someone wronged me in a way that may cause me to ghost them, they are likely not seen as worth my time, energy, or effort once the infraction has occurred. They don't matter (except their feelings if I confront them), so I just find my peace in the best way I can, because ultimately, no matter how things pan out, that's something one will have to work on anyway.

Let's just say, I regret the ways in which I have allowed myself to be walked on, but it only continues until we learn the lesson to find the balance in caring for others and being comfortable in advocating for ourselves.

One love

 

[Yuxibu]

This might be of help

 

[TheGreenPhantom]

Go for a long walk. Hours long. If you're near a forest, pack a bag with camping gear and food, and spend a night or two out there. Be with yourself, and reflect on your situation with your ex-friend, and life in general.