Need some advice.

[FractalThing]

Hello everyone, sadly I have not joined the Nexus for fun. I actually am in need of some life help and advice and I am such a person that this website most likely contains the type of people who will understand me. I am a 23 years old male have had a pretty crazy life for the latter end of it.

Almost two years ago I found my life partner, she is amazing and I love her to death she bonded insanely tightly over many months of various psychedelic usage, mainly LSD. Last october we decided to take a huge step and move away from our home area and 1000kms away to be in the forest where our love could grow, sadly it didnt end out that way living suddenly alone with no friends for a winter in a strange place left us not getting along very well and arguing. We were both to blame, and I decided to try my absolute hardest to heal everything, many months have gone by all summer in fact. We have seemingly improved a tonne, however she is extremely unsensitive and cold and I am overly sensitive and loving.

She reciently went home for a week to get away from me and to visit her sick mom, she was very nice and reassuring to me for the days before we left everything seemed nice and perfect. However since she has gone she has been hurting me badly with text after text about how she dosent miss me and she dreads coming back to me because I am so overbearing that she dosent feel love.

Anyway I have been crying all day today, the years of LSD usage has made me more sensitive then a little girl and on July 8th I had my first full on 15 minute DMT "breakthrough" experience, this has only made me love her more and want to share my life with her, I am truly an insanely nice person who cannot handle most humans who like to drink and be loud and negative.

I am alone and just now have run out of money to pay septembers rent.I dont have any real friends or close family and I have no job, not for lack of looking or applying but there are not many jobs out here. Anyway I just need to reach out to some people as I feel crippled crying in bed. I dont know if she will come back to our home and I just feel generally scared.

After the DMT breakthrough I had I feel like I have seen the afterlife, I have seen where I go when I die and now it feels like suicide (which was previously a comfortable thought being so in control of my life that I could kill myself at any time) is totally out of the question as going into the afterlife following such an emotional and traumatic manner feels so inappropriate and who knows where I would end up.

Put plainly I am scared and sad, I dont know what to do, right now I cant even get out of bed. There are so many details to the story I have left out as I do not feel in the right mind to write this sort of thing, I just really need to talk with some other people.

 

[hostilis]

That's a very hard situation man, and I hope that everything works out. It sounds to me like you two aren't compatible anymore, but who am I to say that. I have always been a loving sensitive person in and out of relationships. Sometimes this can be overbearing on somebody, but it sounds like she is just trying to hurt you with those texts. Which is not cool at all. Do you have any friends or family that you can call and talk to? That's what I'd do in your situation.

I really hope everything works out for you buddy. I'll be sending positive vibes your way.

 

[FractalThing]

Hey Hostilis,

I really hope everything works out okay as well, I do still have a father and he does love me I am sure that maybe in a week depeding on how everything works out I will call him and talk about things. The thing is she and me are total opposites astrologically shes a Capricorn who is very dark most of the time and very non emotional. I am a light flowing Cancer I love everyone, a child of light you could say. I am very connected to nature and the planet, I meditate often and tend to spend to much time watching movies or playing video games to give myself a break from reality.

She does try and hurt me emotionally often because she can and she likes it, then hours after she will try and make it up to me, she has a very bipolar personality and she knows it. She has been having problems with her hormones and she hasent had her period in many months because of that, which I am sure adds to her overall negitivity. I should add that we are both artists, she is an absolutely amazing creative person, and I am as well in a different way.

I do have some friends here, our neighbors. However they are alcoholics and I dont feel like sharing my personal problems with them. I have some friends from my hometown but they are all the type of people who value money over emotions and love, I dont really talk to them much about anything. This is pretty much why I have decided to reach out to this forum as I have been reading it for years off and on and the people who post here alot are my kind of people.

I was going to have a solo LSD trip for the first time in two years this week, as our relationship has been overall really good since March. I talked with her about it and she thought it was a fine idea, also I may note that for me on LSD I am the most happy positive loving joyous creature imaginable, I have an amazing time dancing to trance music and being basically a kid creating art and going for walks in the nature. While she in her own words "becomes extremely close to death" (not litterally but moreso metaphorically) she gets heavy and uncomforable she basically has a bad trip, this was not always the case but has been since we moved out here.

Obviously I have no more interest in having this trip as I feel very sad and emotional, in a way I am just stunned by how she has been acting on the texts, I just didnt see it coming at all. Its a serious knife to the gut. She has even said she dosent love me, which she has never said before.

 

[hostilis]

Wow man. That's really harsh. I wish i could help you feel better buddy. Maybe you should stop talking to her for a few days. It's only going to keep hurting if she keeps going on like that. .

And it probably isn't a good idea to have a trip in such a negative mindset. I always end up having a hard time when I've ever tripped at the wrong time.

Do you have anything you can do outside of your house? Like go hiking or swimming or something. Anything to do that will take your mind out of the negative space and maybe help you relax.

 

[TruthSeeker11]

"She does try and hurt me emotionally often because she can and she likes it"

Nobody should have to deal with that.

What can you learn from the situation if you do break up? If you don't?

 

[hostilis]

Yeah, that honestly doesn't sound right to me. If she purposefully hurts you and enjoys it then you probably should find somebody who treats you right anyways man. Sorry for being so blunt, but nobody should have to deal with that.

 

[FractalThing]

Hey you guys, it is a really harsh situation for sure. I know I shouldnt have to deal with the crazy negitivity she puts me through. I know I could survive the break up if it happened, I am mostly just in need of people to talk with like yourselves.

You could say that there is some hardcore gender reversal going on, I am the highly emotional sensitive person and she is the emotionally abusing sometimes very loving other times dominating one.

Honestly you guys I know its totally insane when she hurts me, however she alway makes up to me and says she didnt mean it... blah blah. I dont mind it that you are being blunt, thats one thing I need for sure. When you do as many psychedelics as I have you get into some really strangely crafted realities, I do just wish she could stop being so negative and just share in the love that is present.

In a way I am mostly just worried about paying my bills and rent I know I can get over whatever happens, I am the opposite of a depressed person, I find awe and joy in every single thing I do in life. The trees are amazing the bugs are amazing the people are all amazing. I have alot of anxiety about the coldness of the capitialist society we live in however, I have been living without any real loving persons near me for quite a while and its just been harsh for me.

 

[mahan]

Welcome to the Nexus!

First and foremost, you are your own master. No matter what happens you have control over things. Do not let people toy with your emotions like that. It is not nice and in my opinion will bring bad karma to them eventually.

There are a few things at play here,

1) She sees that she is hurting you, and you are trying to be the opposite and she enjoys your reactions towards the manipulation. (concious or sub)

2) You don't love yourself as much as you should, you seem like a beautiful soul that beams with love and happiness but doesn't reflect some of it back to yourself. Without becoming an egotistical pompous prick, boost your ego. In the sense that you don't let others hurt you like this. Build a wall if you have to deal with things, sometimes it is better to be neutral than an opposite reaction (love/hate).

3) Learn to have patience. Time heals things, time helps us forgive, time helps us re-analyse. Accept that there are some things which you may never get an answer for.

4) No one can tell you your future. What may seem like the worst day of your life today might turn out to be a walk in the park in the future (think good or bad, can be either or). It maybe the day where you develop an idea which can change your life (and maybe the world) for the better.

We are an adaptable species, physically and mentally, so take care of yourself, love yourself, that will only make you beam brighter. Treat people the same way you'd want to be treated. You can actually learn a lot of things about yourself when you are most hurt emotionally. The flood gates open and you get the chance to question why you are feeling the way you do, and for me I was able to ask "well why am I doing this to myself over someone else who doesn't feel how I feel towards them?". Takes patience and practice. When you are climbing a mountain its really really hard work, but when you get up to the top the scenery will make it all worth the pain and suffering.

Keep climbing my friend.

 

[hostilis]

I feel you man. It's harsh living in a society where you are always judged based on how much money you have. I do wish the best for you and if you ever need anyone to talk to you can PM me or just talk to the awesome people in this forum.

 

[FractalThing]

Thanks for the well written and thought out reply Mahan so much food for thought, I really do need to put up an emotional barrier to better deal with things when she decides to get negative. Your post instantly made me feel much better about things, and it was exactly the sort of thing I was looking for when I posted this thread.

I may add to this thread that on the average day or week we are very happy, generally we get along well and have a good time. However for one reason or another she will enter a very dark state of mind and have a complete flip of personality and just seep absolute negativity on a fairly random basis.

However she is a being capable of showing intense love and compassion and that is obviously what I fell in love with and got so attached too. She did tonight call me and told me that she loved me and actually did miss me, which obviously made me feel much better. However its sad to think that at any given moment she could just turn face and act like a full on emotional bully.

Thank you again hostilis for just relating and making me feel better about my situation. For now I am tired and going to bed.

 

[hug46]

I do just wish she could stop being so negative and just share in the love that is present.

Try and see it from her point of view. As with all relationships there are two sides to the story. Each with their relevant point of views. Maybe you are just not suited to eachother and it took living together alone for this conclusion to arise. Two conflicting personalities living closely together on there own for extended periods of time with no external social stimuli is a recipe for relationship disaster.

There are certain people that find dancing around to trance music, being loving and open and seeing the love in everything quite irritating. And, sometimes, what you find to be endearing about someone when you first get together can degrade into it being seen as an annoying mode of behaviour. There is no right or wrong in this. It just is. The human race is made up of different perspectives , which is what makes the rich tapestry of life so interesting.

To me it sounds like you will both be better off apart from eachother. I say give in to her messages and tell her to spread her wings and move on. Relationshops come and go. Find some strength in your independance, and another more suitable partner will soon come along.

 

[anrchy]

When she tries to make up with you, beings that you are obviously in love with her, it causes you to forgive the pain she caused. But you also forget until it happens again. This kind of "battle" for energy will not allow for a long relationship. Both partners have to share the energy they create. And it sounds like you are giving her all your energy and she is taking it all and not giving any back until her attitude flips.

If this kind of thing can't be resolved it would be most logical to let go of the relationship. Although logic and love don't usually go hand in hand. When relationships change gears out of the honey moon stage and end up for the worse they usually end or continue with both parties being unhappy. IMO this is a sign that you should move on or at the very least bring this to her attention. I would also say that she needs to seek some sort of medical advice as far as her hormones go. My last gf had this type of issue almost exactly, it was unbearable and I eventually left her after 4 years.

If she isn't willing to repair her side of things she WILL continue to hurt you. Sounds like she has some major emotional things going on in her head that either you don't fully realize or omitted from this thread. I would also say that you should, IMO, balance yourself out more. I have had times of being overly emotional and found that during these times I am most out of balance with my self. I am not saying this because you are a man, but that kind of outputting and of too much energy depletes your "reserves" and requires you to receive the same type of attention back in order to be recharged. And this isn't sharing energy, this is giving it all away.

 

[Pup Tentacle]

However since she has gone she has been hurting me badly with text after text about how she dosent miss me and she dreads coming back to me because I am so overbearing that she dosent feel love.

I'm a Cancer as well and prone to over-sensitivity. I've had that ache.

But Brother... you can't make someone feel love that they don't have anymore. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. All those points in red above, I think, spell it out pretty clearly.

I know it feels like the worst thing ever. I will pass, and you will be a wiser person for the experience.

I hope you can get to feeling better

Peace & Blessings

 

[hug46]

I would also say that she needs to seek some sort of medical advice as far as her hormones go.

That sounds to me like a bit of a stab in the dark. Unless you are just trying to make the OP feel better by saying his girlfriend is a hormonal nutter.
Like i said before she probably has relevant concerns about their relationship aswell but, alas, it looks like we will never hear her side of the story. Understanding a partner"s point of view during or after a split is important for self growth. Even if you think they were in the wrong.

I do have some friends here, our neighbors. However they are alcoholics and I dont feel like sharing my personal problems with them.

Maybe you should get completely lashed up with these friends and share your problems. I have found that this can be quite cathartic.

 

[FractalThing]

Sir Hug you are very spot on with your words it is very true, she does get annoyed with my enjoyment of everything, while in her personality it is often very dark. Either way for now we have made up over an hour long skype conversation after she had a few hoots and a beer to think about how she was acting. A common line is "You know I didn't mean it" which obviously I dislike with a passion.

Also you are right about two sides to every story and her story would be a fairly compelling one no doubt, her story and point of view are totally legit. However she does get caught up in her emotions and then says things she regrets later as being far to harsh. She often will say that she cant help but say those really dark things at the time.

Anrchy thank you a tonne you are absolutely right, if she dosent change for the better we are doomed, I do have some faith however that the situation will work out alright, if it dosent I surely wont regret what has already happened overall. You are also right there being things that I have not meantioned, as well about me needing to balance myself out I also have been reciently been doing alot of yoga and it has helped me a tonne to get alot of my power and energy back so I am not so drained with the whole situation and can usually calm everything quickly with reasonable logic.

She will return and things will work themselves out in time, we do often go months without having any sort of argument and have a good time doing all sorts of nature hikes together, what was meantioned about hormones is a potential factor I meantioned it before as she has been to the doctor all her life for out of balance hormones and she basically dosent get her period unless she is on birth control, its a pretty complicated matter overal.

And thank you Pup tenticle for the super kind and and relating post I know I will get through all of this alright.

All in all thanks everyone for all your advice I feel empowered by all your words relating to me and my current strange emotional situation.