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Ok, a little help

Migrated topic.
Lavos

Lavos

Rising Star
I need to hear some opinions, as I'm totally lost. I know my path is mine and my choice to make, but I might could use a little perspective.

The problem, a relationship I don't know how to get out of. A life I have felt trapped in for a long time. For many years off and on feelings. Passenger syndrome. Now, I know I just want it over, but don't know what to do. My family have all pretty much cut me off. And I have never kept work.

Over the last 2 years I have not worked with any employer. My last I started getting the social anxiety jitters, and felt really put off by everyone. I haven't had money, or a place to go, or hardly a will to live. Well this shit has kinda changed in the last year. Mostly I have become really hungry for some sort of LIFE, (been exercising lots) and also I don't care as much what people think of me, I don't want to let judgments and paranoia ruin my life. So in the last couple weeks I've been picking up my first steady work, not for an employer, just been busier finding things and making money. Which feels really good.

The problem is I planned to use this money on some entheogens, just a little, on cactus and caapi, and some incense and the like. See, because even though I know I desperately want out, I know I am still damaged goods, and need healing if I want to function properly.

But the tension is tighter everyday and I cannot conceal that I have little interest in the relationship. When I've done aya/cactus before, it's been a mix message of acceptance of the current situation, and applying my force to life, if that makes sense. I've come away glad and peaceful, accepting my situation as it is, but with mixed feelings over expressing myself freely. I don't think I can keep that feeling up.

I've never wanted something so badly, to be on my own. But I still can;t convince myself to apply for many 40 hr work week type jobs. Rejection, social anxiety, corporate frustration, I don't know exactly. So in a week I will have a couple hundred dollars for the first time in a long time. I feel better about working, but not all the way there yet. I don't know when/how I should trip, but I need to hear my inner voices. I'm utterly confused and damned. I just want to walk and keep walking. I should probably do that then huh?

I have some cactus brewed up, she wants to share, I don't think it's such a great idea. The last time I did mescaline and the first time I did rue it was just more of our bullshit. And I'm able to see that I'm not as abusive as I thought, she's as bad as me, but I can't do much for her cuz it's driving me fucking crazy.

All last summer I wanted enough to run town and find a monthly rental with a room mate. I never got over $200 to really do it. Should I just move and squat til I get my shit together? I'd rather not beg family, but it might would work in one locale, they tough religious though and it's really a last option, I have asked help from them before and been ignored.

Do I use cunning deception if needed to get the fuck out without more damage? That's the inner message I'm kinda getting now. JUST DO IT! SAVE YOURSELF! Do I exercise immense patience and prisoner-ship waiting for the money to flow? Any advice on how to act in a situation like this? Long relationship, damned, pour fool with bad feelings, practicing peace, healing tools, pair of feet, couple hundred bucks, a backpack, and a $2 pair of shoes from a garage sale. Need help.
 
Grr, already feel like the thread was unnecessary. The obvious answer to me right now is, if I want out so bad. To live out of a tent in the woods, using the money for food and hygiene, and look for work wherever I want, relating my difficult situation when appropriate. What else?

Meditating, exercising, working with the plants, until I either die or give up, or walk into the next place a little more sure and steady than the last. I'm anxious of isolation, and when bored I want to return to the pain here. I think I just need to go away, and be quiet, with my little tent, and a couple bags of ramen and cans of beans. Ahh, why can't I just get over my god damn self and work a normal steady income and then go in a month? I guess it's just not my path, something in me wants deeper, harder experience, lol. What a deal.
 
To live a healthy life, one must rid himself of as much negativity as possible. I don't mean physically healthy, but you will feel better physically once your life is more emotionally balanced.

It seems you have already made up your mind to leave her. Getting out sooner is better. It will suck at first. You will be trying to establish your new identity, and if she is as attached as you let on, she will not be keen on letting go so easily. You must be as gently aggressive as possible. She needs to know that you need your own space; she needs to see how serious you are about doing this.

Do not use deception. I have become very good at burning bridges over the years. Some of the wounds I left on others have slowly healed, but many of them are too deep. Lies. Running away. Those will not only hurt her, but just give you more insecurity, doubt, and lack of confidence. You know what you want, and as hard as it is, you must stand up to the fears of getting to that destination as much as you need to stand up to the life you live now. Getting through this situation in a way that does not leave more scars on you insecurity will bring you empowerment. It will prove to yourself that you are capable of doing what is necessary to accomplish you goals.

If you wait on money, you will always wait on money. Patience has nothing to do with it. You trap yourself in this life because you are not sure if you can make it, or you are unsure about how to follow the path set out before you. There is always a way to make money. You may struggle, but from my experience you will be much happier.

These are just my thoughts. You must do what feels right to you, and who am I to tell you how to live.

A lot of us feel the need to break away from the confines of this society. The last thing that I want to be doing is going to school. I would mush rather be in Africa or South America doing volunteer work. I have a passion for working in third world countries; my experiences there are so... true. It is amazing helping out these people who have nothing. They may have nothing, but there mindsets are so inspiring.
But when I look later down my life, what I want more than anything is a child. I want to be a great provider, a great teacher. To get there I must get my degree. Who knows? I may end up volunteering once I am out of school, but even through my unhappiness, I am sure that this is where I need to be.

Stop worrying about working a steady income, it obviously brings you more despair than happiness. Get out and live. The Universe has a way of bringing about good things. You know what you want, you just have to begin to process of getting there. Get the ball rolling and it will get easier, but starting the road to immense change is the hardest part.

Good luck, kind sir, and I wish you well on your journey. ;)
 
It's really only fair to both of you for it to end if you feel that way. Then, you are BOTH free to continue your lives and seek/discover what you need. Looking at everything in the long run, it's the best (not to say it can't be painful or span a wide range of very deep emotions right now).

There have been a few times in my life, various situations, where I've just packed it all up, left terrible relationships (family, partner, even dumped my own business) on nothing but the wings of a prayer. I always did my best, had faith that something else would take care of the rest, and I always learned and grew from the experience. Sometimes even when other things seemed unimaginable...

But lessons are there. It feels amazing to learn your own strength. You are indestructible. I really believe that if you give something your best effort, the universe will meet you halfway. Envision yourself being welcomed and successful in your undertakings. ;)

I would also try to end things on a peaceful note as possible... You might want to look into something called ho'oponopono. :)

Best of luck... let us know how you are doing.

And ALWAYS make sure to listen to your inner voice! :)
 
Lavos said:
Over the last 2 years I have not worked with any employer. My last I started getting the social anxiety jitters, and felt really put off by everyone. I haven't had money, or a place to go, or hardly a will to live.

I've never wanted something so badly, to be on my own. But I still can;t convince myself to apply for many 40 hr work week type jobs. Rejection, social anxiety, corporate frustration, I don't know exactly. So in a week I will have a couple hundred dollars for the first time in a long time. I feel better about working, but not all the way there yet. I don't know when/how I should trip, but I need to hear my inner voices. I'm utterly confused and damned. I just want to walk and keep walking. I should probably do that then huh?
Click to expand...

i understand your situation , but you have to be strong there is no other way , be a warrior and fight your situation and bad luck to its grave , yes sometimes you have to hold life by the throat and choke it for what you want .....

i have been fired over 30 times and have changed jobs frequently , with each firing and a new job over the years all i can say is - i earn a bigger salary now then i did at my first job , never bow down , yes walk into an office apply for a job , work and wait to be fired so you can go for another and another , its pretty adventurous ,

i have never even let the corporates put me down , this is how it goes for me , i say something right to their face and if they like my honesty good for them , or i don't care

i am going to die for Godsake , i cant bother about some corporates or anyone - this is the way i think

i live alone , away from family , i have abandoned most of my friends and relataionships , yes i don't care , i really cant , i have always walked my own path and will keep doing that ,

and please solve your financial situation , money is not a big thing , work hard and earn it , live your life , run through it all and forget about parents , friends , relationships and bosses , your're here for yourself not for anyone else

go get a job , work till you find pleasure in it , then quit when you are bored and get another one , a lot of learning takes place this way and keep on doing that

there are two ways to live life , to fly in the sky or to drown in the ocean , its all upto you , you are your last hope , you are the one who will save yourself , you are the one who will fight - so fight , fight your way to eternity , dont give in to life's illusions , all of this your life and everything is just an illusion in a certain way , all that is the truth is you and your fight to survive ,

be a lion , go be a tiger , remember how animals fight to live on the planet , human life is just too easy i say , cmmon you can go get a job and earn money and buy your food but what about the lions and tigers they still have to hunt and fight for food

human life is too easy , it is you who is complicated , forget about your mind made complications and just do what must be done , human life in the easiest on the planet , much easier than any animal or tree gets it so enjoy it and do the things that help you enjoy it and work is necessary to live this easy life so work
 
Alright, thanks guys.

That's why I don't like making a thread like this. It's kinda simple, I gotta buck up, treat people right where I can and where I can't. Keep this motivation rolling. I'm feeling better and more clear than I have in years. I just hate all the good feelings mixing up with such bad feelings from someone I care about so much. I want out and it hurts. :?

I don't know what I expected. I'll move in the direction I need.

edit: and in actuality I'm all setup for medicine. + Got food and family near, it'll have to do for now. Got couple feet of cactus, got some HBWR, some Psychotria leaves, mimosa in tea, changa, caapi on the way, and just found a new guy for mdma. And I'm actually providing my own income for the first time in a long time. I just needed to get off my chest bad feeling about relationships. It's tuff shit.
 
Lavos said:
I just hate all the good feelings mixing up with such bad feelings from someone I care about so much. I want out and it hurts. :?
Click to expand...

i understand what you mean brother , but when its time , its time

you can't let yourself be weighed down , if this person is the reason for ill feelings its best to cut them off from yourself and your peace , remember life can be dark we don't need people or anything that makes it more darker

much peace and strength brother
 
Hi Lavos,

In my observation, you and I are very similar in at least one aspect; We are afraid to leave our comforts in the dust and embrace our impending and unending life transformation. To put it simply, it would seem we are afraid and lack the conviction to take a risk. Paradoxically, it would seem conviction to overcome fears can only be had through experience, which requires the conquering of some fears in the first place. This would lead you to the conclusion that Nike used for so many years as a slogan "Just do it." LOL.

You and I are at the same crossroads of being ALIVE or STAGNATE. I refuse to give up on you or me because for the last 8 months I was fortunate enough to experience how ALIVE you can feel, and trust me; we want that very, very, very, very, very bad.

We have boundless potential, friend. I know you can feel it inside of you, lurking and waiting to pounce when the chance provides itself...or perhaps when we provide the chance to it :) Gather your wits about you and just GO. GO GET IT. I will in-turn do the same to get back on the horse, as I've been struggling as well.

Please know that we support you. If things become too much, please come back and ask questions, but don't doubt your own self-worth as I know I have done so often in the past to myself.

L&G
 
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