Overcoming "The Fear"....

[Indigo_Child]

I'm sure this has been asked, in fact I'd be shocked if this wasn't a very common question, but there are contributing factors in my past as well as my present that make my case somewhat unique I'm sure. Or so I'd like to believe. Please accept my apologies for any redundancy.

So I've been around here for years, yet not very active. This forums helped me extract my first batch of DMT about ten years ago (certainly seems that long anyway. I've had many accounts from lost passwords/changed e-mails) and in so doing, kick started my life-long journey into organic chemistry. I've come a long way since then, but despite my love of psychedelics (and DMT being at the VERY top of that list), I've never actually smoked what you would call a breakthrough dose, in fact I've never gone beyond one large hit. Mind you, I've a set of lungs on me and one large hit can bring on remarkable effects, even elves, with eyes closed, but I know I have absolutely no idea what this compound can truly do.

I haven't touched DMT in about five years despite having a good amount of MH on hand as well the means to synthesize the pure compound (which I wouldn't do). I'm not sure why I found myself veering away from it, but in recent months I've been feeling the call, stronger than ever and I know that she expects nothing short of the full three hit experience from me. I even went so far as to blow a beautiful DMT pipe (amateur glass blower) for the occasion, but the truth of the matter is that I am scared.

As I said, there are things in my past that contribute to this, the most significant being an mimosahusaca journey I had when I was 16. This was my first truly significant psychedelic experience and although I thought I was approaching the trip the right way, my dose of 18g of high quality MHRB was down right disrespectful and she wasn't at all shy about letting me know it. Since then, I've been EXTREMELY cautious with psychedelics as there is always some fear whilst coming up, even to this day almost 13 years later on substances with which I am VERY familiar.

Adding to this, socially I'm a bit of a mess and I don't have any ties to the psychedelic community in my area (assuming there even is one in rural PA). Reading reports shows a lot of people meeting this experience for the first time in the presence of friends. I'm sure having a trusted tribesman hold the pipe for you helps ease tension, but this isn't an option for me; the few friends I have don't approve of my entheogenic explorations.

Again, I'm sure this has to be a relatively common topic. Has anyone out there found a way to get through this? I know if I pick up the pipe, I'll simply put it back down after one hit and then, a minute or so into the experience, wish I had gone all the way. Any advice?





T.

 

[kerelsk]

Hi, Indigo! Glad you made it to the Nexus today.

It is something that comes up fairly often here, advice for sailing out into the tryptamine seas, overcoming the fear of the unknown, breaking the habit of the mundane. It's still a great thing to ask for help with, I think, it helps to know that all of us have this fear! We can tell you that we feel it, and how and why we decide to go back into it. It helps to have encouragement from us tribemembers.

On a recent mushroom expedition I was struck with the thought that these medicines can't be categorized or compartmentalized into any one feeling or definition- nothing in particular to relate back into our everyday lives the way the taste of blueberry pie can. It's like everything, it could be anything. And sitting in that feeling of awe, it's so liberating, you can break free from your own self-created sense of comfortable or uncomfortable normality. Everything rests in your mind's eye of imagination, the whole of it highly texturized in your sailing focus.

The benefits are immense and I think the medicine knows where to take you as soon as you get into it. You won't know quite where you're going at first, but on reflection when you get back here you'll just say "Wow, I'm so glad I did that." At least, that's my experience with the mushrooms, I'm cautious, I set up a good space for my physical body, and so far every time I'm glad I let them show me.

Personally, I can't find anybody else who takes tryptamines as religiously as I do at the moment. Some friends will do it with me, and know a little bit about it, but I'm pretty serious about it. But I do it all the same. I don't think you need anybody there with you if your situation is safe enough.

I like to work up to higher doses gradually. Start out low to get reacquainted, know what the body feelings are, and get curious to the mystery you're just getting little bits of. Then when you're feeling adventurous, just DO IT! DO IT! Get ready and go out there! The mystery will unfold all throughout you, everything rippling, new sights to see, immense beauty! It's soo worth it.

If there's something there for you, you might consider keeping up with your psychedelic practice afterwards. It's a reward in itself :d

Hope this helps you a little! I always need a little encouragement before my journeys and this expression has helped me at least.
Best of luck. And btw there are such tribemembers in your area, I'm sure be they far and in between

 

[lsDxMdmaddicThc]

I feel the fear too.
I think everyone does.
I like to practice grounding and centering myself, although I'm not sure how well that would work in a full-blown breakthrough.
I guess a breakthrough is just like jumping off a cliff, that adrenaline rush of just jumping.
I've never had one so I can't relate.
But I can certainly relate to the fear.
Feel your center of energy, make sure you can really center yourself mentally.
Sometimes it helps to have someone who you deeply trust (wife, sibling, parent, gf/bf, etc)
Sometimes it does the opposite of help.
If I start to get the fear, or start going insane; I like to try and laugh at the insanity of the situation or sing/dance or just break out of the crippling fear. Just JUMP!

 

[Indigo_Child]

Thanks for the wisdom guys!

Ker, I too take these experiences seriously, so I do understand what you mean. Mushrooms are actually what I was referring to when I was talking about psychedelics that I am very familiar with, and my use of psilocybin hasn't diminished over the years as my DMT use has. I never considered myself a spiritual person until I first encountered Ps. mexicana; I had an earth shattering experience on 3g. Ever since that experience I always start with a smudging ceremony and meditation before consumption.

That's the thing, I've never once had an experience with smoked DMT that left me thinking "I wish I didn't load the pipe up so heavily", on the contrary, after coming down I always found myself thinking that I should have simply went for the three tokes to see what more is out there. I've never once regretted the experience which is why I find it so peculiar that this compound in particular leaves me trembling before smoking. In any event it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this.

I think I posted this wondering if people were going to tell me to simply go for it or to work my way up slowly. I think it wise that I do get reacquainted with the shallows before I leave the shore far behind. In fact, I believe I'll start tonight.

Thanks for the encouragement guys. I really appreciate it!

 

[Indigo_Child]

I guess a breakthrough is just like jumping off a cliff, that adrenaline rush of just jumping.
Just JUMP!

That's a very apt analogy. There is a water fall near my house with a deep pool in the bottom. It's surrounded by cliffs which are quite popular for jumping off of. I remember being about 15 and trying to work up the nerve to jump off one of the taller ones (actually looking back at it, it's rather dangerous, you have to jump far out in order to clear a good 20ft of rock to hit the pool), I remember mentally yelling those same words to myself "just jump!" before doing it.

I just took a solid hit and it went beautifully! I had a beautiful look at the chrysanthemum with arms/hands reaching from it, beckoning me onward. Before the hit my hands were shaking, heart hammering in my chest, I was about to put the pipe down and put it off until tomorrow, instead I took your advise. Thanks for that! Truly excited to see what future experiences yield!

 

[Purges]

Sounds to me like you might benefit from acquainting yourself with Changa...

 

[○]

If you were looking to dip your toes carefully in the experience versus jumping in face first after all this time off - id recommend changa or some sublingual harmalas then smoke DMT. The harmalas allow you to enter the experience slowly (although if you take a massive lungful or two ...that wont be the case). Personally, after experiencing changa, i'll never go back to smoking just freebase.

I don't get fear anymore tbh. Fear by definition implys that this emotion itself is based on the notion that something is dangerous, to cause pain, a threat, etc. For me, especially now, it's not so much fear as it is a healthy respect for the power of the experience and knowing where it can land you if you're not careful.

Although during the experience, on a few occasions when I had taken a little bit much, this led to moments of fear; fear that I had 'done it this time' or 'i did too much and i'll never come back from this'.

That fear though was passing, like every other thought/reaction; temporary, transient, ephemeral - it doesn't last.

Yoga and breath meditation off and on over the years has helped me alot tbh, especially yoga. With yoga, as i've said before - being in situations/poses that illicit uncomfortability for prolonged periods while maintaining a deep and strong breath, keeping the heart rate slow and steady and keeping the mind fluid and equanimous. This directly translates over into holding fear in check pre/during DMT (or any intense altered state), because during DMT, especially if it's a committed dose - you will at points run into an escalating umcomfortability that seems to know no end. It might feel like you're dying, it might feel highly physical - like the experience is ripping you to infintesimal pieces endlessly; but no matter how it feels - certain practices can/will help you navigate these rough patches and reap the silver lining so-to-speak.

Some people think meditation and yoga are just whimsical flight of fancy new age practices. I won't be the first one to tell you here - entheogens and these practices go HAND IN HAND. They compliment each other. They build upon one another. Most of all - they help you navigate and integrate these experiences more than anything else I know.

 

[concombres]

Personally, what eliminated the fear for me was dissociatives.
I cannot reccommend going this route in good conscience because of the damage dissociatives have done to my life in the past, but it did work wonders for me.
Ketamine can provide some very deep experiences but also seems to have this strange sense of emotional detachment making it easier to simply let go of fear & bypass the ego.
What I mean by this is, on k, many times I have thought I was dyeing or had died & was able to just accept it & see what came next.

After a handful of experiences like that, I discovered I was able to bring myself to that same state of acceptance & comfortability towards the loss of control & unknown in dmt experiences.

 

[Indigo_Child]

Funny you should mention K. I've never really been interested in dissociatives, but the K-hole does seem rather intriguing. I've never encountered it around here. A few days ago I was giving serious thought to ordering some off the darknet, those places scare the hell out of me though. Probably for the best as I am a former opiate addict and I think it wise I stay away from anything even remotely addictive.

A lot of recommendations for changa. I don't know that that was too popular back when I was (somewhat) active here, I actually had to look it up. So we are talking a smoked mixture of MAOI and DMT? I do have some B. caapi alkaloids (harmine/harmaline freebase as well as pure THH) painstakingly separated via a column as well as some Damiana leaf with which to enhance. That's funny, I would imagine an MAOI to make the experience that much stronger. 100mg of mixed β-carbolines put a really strange and terrifying twist on Ps. cubensis for me, but that does not seem to be the case with smoked DMT from what little I've just read. I'll definitely look more into this, thanks for the recommendation.

Tat, you don't have to tell me that meditation and psychedelics synergize like nothing else. Meditational breathing exercises were the ONLY thing that got me through 50mg insufflated DPT (never again!) with my sanity intact. Yoga has always intrigued me but my lack of any natural flexibility kind of puts me off, all the same perhaps it's time to re-investigate.

Again, I really appreciate the feedback guys!

 

[RAM]

simply let go of fear & bypass the ego.

I am taking concombres' quote out of context, but I think it sums up the issue quite pithily. Fear stems from the ego. This is a realization that I had myself after a couple freebase sessions the other night. I have always been anxious on psychedelics, but I can clearly see now how most of the anxiety was my ego trying to make "the me" scared of losing it.

It is more difficult for some people than others to let go of the ego. It's almost like being told you can now magically breathe underwater, but the first couple times you go in it will be very difficult to just let go and go under. Your mind would say, "This is just a trick, you can't actually breathe down here, shoot back up!!" The solution is to get yourself familiar with the region and just start letting go.

Yoga and meditation, as mentioned, can help you practice this "letting go" every day rather than just on the few special days when you can indulge in psychedelics. I recommend starting to question your fear and its origins. Work on identifying where you ego controls your life and where you can take control again. I've been there and I know it can be hard to let go, but you have to be willing to give up what you have now in order to become something greater. Good luck.

 

[lsDxMdmaddicThc]

It might feel like you're dying, it might feel highly physical - like the experience is ripping you to infintesimal pieces endlessly; but no matter how it feels - certain practices can/will help you navigate these rough patches and reap the silver lining so-to-speak.

Some people think meditation and yoga are just whimsical flight of fancy new age practices. I won't be the first one to tell you here - entheogens and these practices go HAND IN HAND. They compliment each other. They build upon one another. Most of all - they help you navigate and integrate these experiences more than anything else I know.

I totally agree with this.
Deep breathing, mindfulness, yoga, and Sexual Kung Fu have all deepened my spirituality immensely alone.
When combined with Psychedelics, the effect multiplies exponentially.

 

[Indigo_Child]

-I'm sure having a trusted tribesman hold the pipe for you helps ease tension, but this isn't an option for me; the few friends I have don't approve of my entheogenic explorations.
-Personally, I can't find anybody else who takes tryptamines as religiously as I do at the moment. Some friends will do it with me, and know a little bit about it, but I'm pretty serious about it. But I do it all the same. I don't think you need anybody there with you if your situation is safe enough.
-I never considered myself a spiritual person until I first encountered Ps. mexicana; I had an earth shattering experience on 3g. Ever since that experience I always start with a smudging ceremony and meditation before consumption.
-I've never once regretted the experience which is why I find it so peculiar that this compound in particular leaves me trembling before smoking. In any event it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this.

I've just quoted three or four different people. You might think it was really the same person, because we all have identical issues. This is the first reason the DMT-Nexus was invented. I feel unfortunate to testify how lonely this business truly is. I am extremely lonely, simply because I've yet to personally meet another person interested even remotely in the Mystery.
"The mystical journey is the flight of the alone - to the alone."
We are born into this world by ourselves. We also die, ultimately, by ourselves.
Whatever we do, we should not pity ourselves.
Did we not seek this? Are we not the ones knocking?
Fear not. Because we've got each other here at the nexus. This place truly is magical. I've never seen anywhere else quite like it. I think that the sooner one can abandon friends in the traditional sense, the sooner one will discover real friends awaiting in hyperspace. And that's us. That's this gang here. We've got each other!

On one hand, you're alone.
On the other hand, you're not alone.
My advice: Don't worry about it. Remember? "We don't know enough to worry."

Thank you. This left me grinning like a child.

While I'm not quite ready to give up hope of meeting kindred spirits outside of Nexus/hyperspace, I do agree that this is VERY lonely business.

Where I grew up, people simply were not like me and were not at all shy about showing it, and when I discovered psychedelics I was cast out as a "drug" addled pariah. Real crappy place to grow up an outsider, diagnosed socially phobic at 12, spent 27 of my 28 years single. Not fun.

I do meditate daily; helps immensely with the general anxiety. It's one of two things that's kept me from accepting the SSRIs my family doctor has been pushing on me since I was 16, the other of course being the interruption such medication would cause with the psychedelic experience. Again, perhaps it's time to re-investigate yoga.

I completely agree that The Nexus is like nowhere else. I have an account at just about every hallucinogen related forum on the net, yet I posted this question here for that exact reason.

Before the week is up one of two things will most certainly happen: I'll either shoot for my breakthrough (I'm feeling slightly more confident about the whole thing, thanks for that!), or I'll take RAM's advice and analyze the fear further with the aid of some MDMA (which I find incredibly useful for such introspection). Again, I really do appreciate all the feedback guys. Thanks!

 

[FloorFan]

I also second RAM's notion on the ego fearing it's own death. Once this is realized one can, in a way, separate themselves from the notion of their ego. I think of mine almost like a copilot who, while having our best interests in "mind", doesn't always need to be in charge or even a factor. Before blasting off, I remind myself, this is what I wanted. Mr. ego can take a break, be scared all it wants, over there. He really gets agitated JUST before the first toke and as things start to vibrate and get intense. I again at that point remind myself that this is something I wanted, that I and my ego always return, and he needs to shut up and enjoy his break. lol

Practice of this can be had in everyday life as well. While I used to get heated in arguments, I can now feel my ego's reaction and decide if I am aligned with it personally, or if it's a defensive reaction and seek the truth. I can also detect in others when they are spouting off from their ego and just walk away if it seems as such.

For ease of breaking through, I tent to take three doses working my way up. First a small dose. Then a short while later (45 min to an hour) a medium dose. After another small time back to baseline I take a large dose. They all seem to piggy back off the power of the last, strangely with consecutive and interlocking themes. This helps me to really gain my confidence while assisting the ego on his fears and paranoia. I'll keep doing it this way until I have enough ego control to just shoot straight for the breakthrough dose, but I'm still a beginner myself.

If you read my introductory thread, I talk about how I had a traumatic mushroom trip after growing my own. I swore of tripping after that. This approach mentioned above helped with that once I felt the DMT calling.

In my first experience report I write how I got to the big dose, it started JUST like the peak of that mushroom trip. I got scared and asked "Oh crap, I'm here again like I said I'd never be. Is this all there is?" I was "told" yes, and more. I popped on through a wall of fear and felt the most enveloping, complete, and amazingly warm love ever! My mushroom trauma was healed in that instant. My ego was obliterated in the midst of it's fear. From then on I knew I didn't need it in this place. He still tries to make a fuss, but I just feel that and carry on. Process and pass through.

Hope this makes sense and helps perhaps.

 

[BundleflowerPower]

A very enlightening exercise is this:
See if you can live in a way that your presence serves the world, not yourself.

The ego is not entirely useless. But FloorFan made the point "process and pass through".
This is just like acknowledging the signpost on the curvy mountain road.
You don't want to mistake the signpost for the warning up ahead,
by driving directly up the signpost.
The signpost is useful. The ego is useful. But only when it is seen for what it is.

What was it of which the ancients spake? Something about Balance?

That is an enlightening exercise, I wish everyone would carry that out in their lives.

And you're correct, if the ego had no purpose, we wouldn't have one, it keeps us functioning as separate beings, dmt and other things we talk about here simply help us take the one which split into two, and make it one again, if you know what I mean.

I used to be scared to breakthrough smoking, because before I smoked for the first time, I had already broken through on the brew and I feared the sudden quickness of my reality being replaced by another. But the other night I smoked again, I had some goo, which I didn't weight but turned out to be the perfect amount. One big hit, then two and I could feel it, then one more huge hit and that was it. so maybe I'll be scared next time but I'm not going to let it stop me.

Dmt is natures gift, I've come to the conclusion that it is literally love in its physical form, so if one can get past the fear, one can experience its exact opposite, which is much more powerful.

 

[kiki24]

Hmm.... I find it more and more "common" , since I keep hearing a similar story with different psychs, that a lot of us spiritual seekers took some large dose of some stuff when we were pretty young and shit out pants. As me and my friend took some sick dose of shrooms and haven't touched them for 10years, a friend of mine who took a lot of datura when she was 16 and some other person having similar situation with shrooms as well...I guess a) we weren't prepared and didnt know what we were doing and it was perhaps a good thing to instill some respect into us, but after years we perhaps know better how to approach this stuf...that is with care and respect...and your mind has evolved a lot since, although you still feel you are the same silly boy you were before....dmt is really something special and deserves the respec as all these substances but, if it;s calling you...answer. You will be ok. As Anamnesia said....it is a lonely business in a way, but hey, this is your journey for some reason, you might as well go further down the line to find out what it holds for you, not really like you can go back anyways... at leas we are here to talk to best of luck and love.


p.s. if you struggle with flexibility try hot yoga, though its not a very healthy practice, but for tight people it has its pluses. Be happy your body is not like jelly, ppl like that only look cool but get injured and are often weak so... don't worry

 

[DmnStr8]

Fear can be very difficult to push through. It's a challenge for sure. Courage is needed. Being humble is needed. Pay attention to your fears. Learn from them. I likely overuse the quote below in regards to fear, but for me it says everything.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ~Frank Herbert

 

[zknarc]

I have a strong case of The Fear.

I always figured after my first experience I would be OK but after 4 somehow my fear is probably the highest it’s been. I think this is from just better knowing the sheer size of the DMT experience; the feeling I have got when I realise just how far away life and everything I experience as reality is has been burned into my mind. DMT slowly strips away all my defences and references the mind uses to feel security and with it ability to distinguish my own being from my feelings. It turns me from an adult into a totally defenceless child.

Right now I’m at the point where I’m thinking that worries me so much perhaps this just isn’t something I need to do again and was motivated to ask this: An end to your journey with psychedelics? - Welcome discussion - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

I've never actually smoked what you would call a breakthrough dose, in fact I've never gone beyond one large hit.

This was something that stood out to me. Personally, the sub-breakthrough part is the hardest by far because the mind can still self reflect and get worried/scared, after breakthrough the drug just totally overpowers me and takes me where it takes me. I’d rather take a hefty dose and be overwhelmed sooner, it is like slowly inching over the peak of a roller coaster wondering what on earth is coming.

I do wonder if this happens with more analytical types rather than more happy-go-lucky experiential types as it isn’t an experience that can really be prepared for as such and that may not gel well with the former.

 

[UgraKarma]

My own personal method for getting through the Fear is to simply allow muscle memory to do its magic. I find if I load up my GVG, and sit in silence with it in my hands for a few minutes before lighting the torch, all work prior to lighting it is filled with the most palpable fear I'd be likely to experience.

Once I take and hold in my first hit, I notice the fear drop dramatically. However, if I use this time to dwell on what's going to happen to me come Hit #3 or #4, I'll typically feed into or become distracted by that fear in some way.

Fortunately, there's a certain amount of technique and concentration necessary to successfully and productively vaporize freebase DMT. I've come to enjoy the fact that in lieu of engaging with my fear and finding myself kicking rocks at the sub-breakthrough stage - if I put all of my concentration onto effectively vaporizing and holding in my vapor and sure enough, the next thing I know I'm on the final hit before tunneling through transdimensional vortices. It's remarkable that virtually all of my fear will have been assuaged by this point and the DMT's anxiolytic properties makes themselves known - well before breaking through.

Although there's nothing better than the genuine embrace and recontextualization of the fear, keeping your mind on the matter at hand (especially before the more peacocked effects truly present themselves,) has seemed to work for me every time.