An intensive for licensure at my job, I wore many hats this week, being a participant in the intensive while also working as a representative for the center.
A theme was the book Caps for Sale.
I was also the only man and the only person of color in the entire cohort which has many powerful implications and optics. The entire week was a week shattering paradigms and stereotypes.
While I had been ripping and running all week, crossing i's, dotting t's, keeping ducks in row, during my experience yesterday I was so held and supported, not only by my phenomenal guide and sitter, but also by the entirety of the cohort, including the admin and leadership teams.
It's hard to be cared for. My hats kept getting put back on my head and I wanted to hire the monkeys to take them so that I may fall into the experience.
An initial dose of 19.1mg (1.89g of Golden Teachers) and followed up by a booster dose of the same amount an hour later, dumped me deep into a layered experience, my consciousness meandering and flowing through different domains of being. While I was pretty far out there, having transcendental experiences accompanied by glossalalia and energetic somatic resonance in the patterning of the vocalizations moving through my body, in contact with entities unlocked by the psilocybin medicine, I was also extremely coherent and lucid. The "leader/teacher/caretaker" in me couldn't take the hat off. At the same time, I also simply have a lot of agency in these deeper spaces, something I tend to forget.
Forgetting. There was a lot to remember about myself, and the experience was in so many ways about seeing myself in authentic ways, stepping into power and claiming what's mine. I kept rubbing up against my fear, worry, and concern about arrogance. The worry is arrogant and a little hypocritical seeing as I don't necessarily feel this way if people talk about themselves in a positive manner. I mean, I may question it a bit, but there's no loss of respect and I'm not perturbed, yet I think some would feel such ways about me. I allow isolated experiences to extend themselves to a greater whole inaccurately.
But I'm still not there, but I'm getting there.
I confronted my concern about how I feel I affect people, viewing myself as more malicious than I am, because I default to another's interpretation because I haven't trusted my judgment all this time. My perspective is simply inaccurate. And that's okay.
My consciousness is up to something, and has been for a long time, perhaps before this life... who knows, but that's the felt sense.
The concerns, considerations and worries come from a good and honest place, but it's too much and an attempt to take on too much responsibility. I feel like that here too. A deep thinker, I pick things apart and poke holes in things. It's just what I do and who I am. I don't have to apologize for it.
And while my empathy knows it can be intense, I don't have anything to apologize for. Especially here.
I love you guys.
My guide and sitter helped me with this, telling me the beauty in mind and polyvalent manner in which I think and explore things. I'm so used to feeling the opposite from people that don't "get it." And that's okay. It's not cruel to shrug it off.
It felt so good to ask for what I needed. The physical connecting with my guide and sitter provided a beautiful feminine grounding energy, but also served as conduits to launch me further into the space, deepening my process. There was an energetic magic when I asked them to blow on my skin, the tactile sensations serving as fuel to catapult me to entity contact. The sitter and guide were also in non-verbal connection allowing the energy to flow adaptably in the sacred container.
I need to focus on me and not feel bad about it... the latter being the hard part. I want to remember. I want to see. What do I really think about how I think. I feel like it looks self-absorbed to say, read through my more meaningful threads, and other such ways of revisiting myself, but this is a project I need to do for me. I need to stop forgetting. I also want to talk about different things and stop inundating the forum with my issues of exploration that I am on the merry-go-round with. It's old to me, and I'm sure it's old to you.
Whatever entity or entities were there had some very deep conversations with me, but none of it was really in English. It was a non-linear communication that was validating and reinforcing, being a powerful reminder.
Remember.
Ya boy is on a very different wavelength. I just think very differently. I'm really just saying that to own it. Edge of the bell-curve shit.
Step into.
Own your "gifts."
Step into my power.
It's a grind, it's going to take persistence. I may rub some people wrong, but that's not totally my problem.
The glossalalia this time came with more agency and control. It's usually automatic, but stepping into power, I could use it as a coded vehicle to unlock something more.
Confidence. I need to just be confident. Doubt less do more.
I want to work on my writing, ideas, and thinking, refining and honing them all, for myself, not worrying about if anyone else understands or gets it. I can work on that stuff later.
Leadership.
Power.
I'm going to take some risks.
Again, love you guys.
One love
A theme was the book Caps for Sale.
I was also the only man and the only person of color in the entire cohort which has many powerful implications and optics. The entire week was a week shattering paradigms and stereotypes.
While I had been ripping and running all week, crossing i's, dotting t's, keeping ducks in row, during my experience yesterday I was so held and supported, not only by my phenomenal guide and sitter, but also by the entirety of the cohort, including the admin and leadership teams.
It's hard to be cared for. My hats kept getting put back on my head and I wanted to hire the monkeys to take them so that I may fall into the experience.
An initial dose of 19.1mg (1.89g of Golden Teachers) and followed up by a booster dose of the same amount an hour later, dumped me deep into a layered experience, my consciousness meandering and flowing through different domains of being. While I was pretty far out there, having transcendental experiences accompanied by glossalalia and energetic somatic resonance in the patterning of the vocalizations moving through my body, in contact with entities unlocked by the psilocybin medicine, I was also extremely coherent and lucid. The "leader/teacher/caretaker" in me couldn't take the hat off. At the same time, I also simply have a lot of agency in these deeper spaces, something I tend to forget.
Forgetting. There was a lot to remember about myself, and the experience was in so many ways about seeing myself in authentic ways, stepping into power and claiming what's mine. I kept rubbing up against my fear, worry, and concern about arrogance. The worry is arrogant and a little hypocritical seeing as I don't necessarily feel this way if people talk about themselves in a positive manner. I mean, I may question it a bit, but there's no loss of respect and I'm not perturbed, yet I think some would feel such ways about me. I allow isolated experiences to extend themselves to a greater whole inaccurately.
But I'm still not there, but I'm getting there.
I confronted my concern about how I feel I affect people, viewing myself as more malicious than I am, because I default to another's interpretation because I haven't trusted my judgment all this time. My perspective is simply inaccurate. And that's okay.
My consciousness is up to something, and has been for a long time, perhaps before this life... who knows, but that's the felt sense.
The concerns, considerations and worries come from a good and honest place, but it's too much and an attempt to take on too much responsibility. I feel like that here too. A deep thinker, I pick things apart and poke holes in things. It's just what I do and who I am. I don't have to apologize for it.
And while my empathy knows it can be intense, I don't have anything to apologize for. Especially here.
I love you guys.
My guide and sitter helped me with this, telling me the beauty in mind and polyvalent manner in which I think and explore things. I'm so used to feeling the opposite from people that don't "get it." And that's okay. It's not cruel to shrug it off.
It felt so good to ask for what I needed. The physical connecting with my guide and sitter provided a beautiful feminine grounding energy, but also served as conduits to launch me further into the space, deepening my process. There was an energetic magic when I asked them to blow on my skin, the tactile sensations serving as fuel to catapult me to entity contact. The sitter and guide were also in non-verbal connection allowing the energy to flow adaptably in the sacred container.
I need to focus on me and not feel bad about it... the latter being the hard part. I want to remember. I want to see. What do I really think about how I think. I feel like it looks self-absorbed to say, read through my more meaningful threads, and other such ways of revisiting myself, but this is a project I need to do for me. I need to stop forgetting. I also want to talk about different things and stop inundating the forum with my issues of exploration that I am on the merry-go-round with. It's old to me, and I'm sure it's old to you.
Whatever entity or entities were there had some very deep conversations with me, but none of it was really in English. It was a non-linear communication that was validating and reinforcing, being a powerful reminder.
Remember.
Ya boy is on a very different wavelength. I just think very differently. I'm really just saying that to own it. Edge of the bell-curve shit.
Step into.
Own your "gifts."
Step into my power.
It's a grind, it's going to take persistence. I may rub some people wrong, but that's not totally my problem.
The glossalalia this time came with more agency and control. It's usually automatic, but stepping into power, I could use it as a coded vehicle to unlock something more.
Confidence. I need to just be confident. Doubt less do more.
I want to work on my writing, ideas, and thinking, refining and honing them all, for myself, not worrying about if anyone else understands or gets it. I can work on that stuff later.
Leadership.
Power.
I'm going to take some risks.
Again, love you guys.
One love
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