Stuck Inbetween

[Cazman043]

The moment you realise that nothing truly satisfies you from the external world. All the sex, drugs, music, friends, romantic relationships, family… It all just melts away. All of it is impermanent. How sad It will always end, dissolve back into the nothingness from which it all arose. And yet, on another end, everything so peaceful, meaningful and wonderful because it is not permanent. Because it is always changing.

I'm stuck between the I who wants to have friends, people, relationships, sex, drugs, music, fit in… and the I which wants to go to a monastery and sit deeply in contemplation. Where to go, its scary to give up all of the things you perceive and are taught to bring you happiness. And yet, there is something so much deeper in life which can be cultivated. Something so profound, which has no reliance on the external world to make it happy. It is an undercurrent… always there, but just a matter of how identified you are with the self which makes it invisible.

What to do, do you stay and try to fit in and be as cool as everyone else, whom you see so much love and happiness within, they go and they drink and they party and they're all very happy doing this, and yet for you, you notice a subtle unsatisfactoriness in these actions when you do them. So do you go back to the thing which you came from, and drop all of that which distracts you?

 

[universecannon]

I mostly just separated myself from the heavy drinking scene by the time sophomore year of college came around. It can feel horrible at first to lose a long standing social connection/group like that but over time it fades and you grow as a result of forcing yourself to be your own person, shedding a lot of mental baggage, and you can then easily find more like-minded people as a result.

Lately I've struck a balance with old high school friends who I still love and have a lot of fun with, but they do drink an awful lot and we don't have much in common. But here and there I'll go to see a band with them or just smoke weed and have a great time, and avoid the bars when they go. One of them recently I've been seeing a lot more than usual. She and I never used to get together just the two of us and smoke cannabis, it was always with others, but when we do we have the greatest conversations despite being completely different people in a lot of ways.

I guess my point is to forget about "fitting in" or any of that BS... you should just do what is best for you at this time in your life. It doesn't necessarily mean going the lone hermit route, but maybe it will for a time. You can back away from the types of social groups/scenes/etc you don't currently vibe with and still maintain a meaningful connection with those you really care about, while at the same time making new connections with more like minded psychedelic folks, which is when things get more interesting.

 

[Cazman043]

I guess my point is to forget about "fitting in" or any of that BS... you should just do what is best for you at this time in your life. It doesn't necessarily mean going the lone hermit route, but maybe it will for a time. You can back away from the types of social groups/scenes/etc you don't currently vibe with and still maintain a meaningful connection with those you really care about, while at the same time making new connections with more like minded psychedelic folks, which is when things get more interesting.[/quote]

The issue is i made new friends, but its still not fully where i feel I'm heading. They still enjoy partying (if you've ever heard about doofing, they're really keen on the doof scence). And what they're doing is totally cool, and they're awesome people and i enjoy hanging out with them, we talk deep stuff, we surf, i fit in, but i find the ego wants to fit in and join in on those social norms which they engage in, e.g. drinking alcohol/partying. This being something which would not be honouring myself, i've a little urge to disengage myself from the world, move to a monastery, so i can do extremely deep work on the inner workings of my mind. This isn't just run by the desire to "run from the world' this is also something i just genuinely feel is calling me, however, letting go of all the things which society deems as the norm, and going into Eastern spirituality, is daunting.

 

[332211]

cazman, you recieved a present. most of the people never realize this subtle unsatisfactoriness - then they die and, if you think in buddhist terms, get reborn. over and over and over.

first should come the development of compassion, all living beings are in the same situation, experience the same unsatisfactoriness. to work on this you do not have to leave your life behind and start another ego-strain "cazman the monk". i'd recommend to start a daily meditation practice to untangle the mind and improve concentration.

i am on the same path as you, here are my mayor roadblocks i encountered:

the more compassionate i became, the more fucked up people seemed to pop up around me. sometimes i lost my temper, sometimes i had it under control. you will become more sensitive for the troubles in the world, do not get eaten up by them.

i was naive and trusted people blindly who i thought would help me on the path. that aya session allmost destroyed me.

seeing all the unsatisfactoriness may cause a deep depression, if you feel helpless about it. try to find positive aspects in it, e.g. how much good you can do for people (even by just meditating good thoughts in their direction; read about tonglen-practice).

a good start is the tibetan book of the dead, you will find many interesting and motivating thoughts in it. but, before you rush in and find a "master" get your life under control. look at maslovs hierarchy of needs and tick them off, section by section. are all of your needs fulfilled? or are some unbalanced or missing completely? if so, taking up spiritual practice could be just an attempt to flee from your problems, which, in the end, will just make you suffer more.

when you practice you should generally feel good, compassionate and loving. if not, you experience some hindrances. meditate on them or ask somebody to resolve them.

i wish you to be happy, to be safe on your path. may you find enlightenment, may you become a buddha and show us the way.

much love,
332211

 

[Cazman043]

i wish you to be happy, to be safe on your path. may you find enlightenment, may you become a buddha and show us the way.

much love,
332211

[/quote]

I do have to ask man, why do we start to attract people who are really deeply suffering. I just lost my girlfriend to a guy who's 37 (20 years older than her) and he had a psychotic episode and is deeply run with fear. My Ex now seems super caught up in a spiritual ego, and here i am, sitting, observing, watching the unsatisfactoriness of life and how it seems to just be impermanent in all its nature, theres no point in grasping onto anything, and yet… i don't feel that deep compassion which counters that unsatisfactoriness, one could say I'm depressed, one could say its the dark night of the soul, but there is a sadness about the way things are. (i meditate daily, but am lacking the compassion and stillness at the moment) - it seems like a monastery would be a wonderful place to do really deep healing work. I don't want to keep hurting other people from my own unconscious actions, for example, allowing my anger and heartbreak be projected onto others. So a monastery would enable me to clear those deeply rooted belief systems which i've attached too.

 

[332211]

I do have to ask man, why do we start to attract people who are really deeply suffering.

first, we all are suffering. so you can not attract somebody, that is not ^^

second, if you are attraced BY somebodies suffering, you should overthink your past relationships. helping people is noble, but keep your own path in mind. are you maybe distracting from your own issues? helping others feels really good - everything that feels really good can get you addicted - thanks to the dopamine system. i have the feeling that this is directly connected with the ego, which sheds suffering and wants pleasure, and keeps us junkies of our own neurotransmitters.

third, and this may take some of the unsatisfactoriness away: you will not be able to help people, that do not want to take up a spiritual practice on their own. the intention to free all sentient beings from suffering is okay, the practice of it not. some people are so deeply lost that they don't even recognize in what a pile they are in. let them. be compassionate but don't suffer for them.

getting your head clear is a good idea, but attaching to the idea that it can only be done in a monastery is an illusion. it is wishful thinking, which is created by calculating part of conciousness, which works like this: "i feel bad, because... the solution may be... so i will..." this is an endless process, because in the end you will be never fully satisfied, no matter what you have achieved. try to stay present, listen to the thoughts but don't let them steer you. i know, easier said than done, but your mediation practice should get you closer and closer.

 

[fathomlessness]

I know how you feel having gone through the exact same thing myself. It is very appealing to think of joining a monastery if not for the reason that you don't have to work in some dead end job to survive and you can spend all day focusing on developing your mind for free. It would seem though that at 17 you would want to have best of both worlds than just one. Trust me, living in a monastery may seem easy but it is incredibly hard. Just abstaining from sex or masturbation is very hard pushing over two weeks, you will start to get uptight and easily frustrated if not combated with a routine meditation practice that is developed and advanced enough to counteract those feelings. You may also feel the need to eat in the afternoon or night time which is not allowed. You may also feel the need to explore with DMT or other psychedelics which is not allowed. You may feel the desire to listen to music or go surfing which is not allowed. Pretty much the only liberties that are granted are to eat food, sleep and meditate as well as some reading and using the toilet. A change like this at 17 from a western world grown boy is tough but it could be done if you are strong enough or rather, if you have the right reason to support the effort.

I find that until I feel inside myself the true potential to give up all earthly attatchments completely and for it not to just be wishful thinking, then I will join the monastery. Until it gives me the opportunity to progress my meditation towards the point that I am ready to feel that I can actually make the choice to give up all those things rather than just thinking that it is a good idea too, I will stay on the fence. Don't think sensual pleasures are completely evil just yet, once you have the ability to give them up is when you can think that. Sensations are beautiful and many people say that humans live for perceiving beauty alone, if it is not that then they live for the hope of attaining nirvana or at least more freedom from suffering. This doesn't have to be a false dichotomy, there is hope to have both worlds in moderation and working to support each other even though it may seem paradoxical.

:thumb_up:

 

[zhoro]

There is a relevant story in the The Yoga Vasistha, the story of Sikhidwaja, p. 595 in the linked version here.

To drop the world does not mean going to monastery nor does going to monastery mean dropping the world. Dropping the world means to unflinchingly identify with the source of the world and not get lost in the manifestation, while unattachedly watching the aspect of the manifestation you used to identify with - the mind with its requisite body, feelings, ideas, desires, etc. - faithfully perform their natural function in the world drama. That, of course, is not to say that going to monastery should or should not happen. Any turn events take would simply be a part of said world drama that plays out on the screen that is you. That is the way to stop feeling stuck inbetween.

 

[hixidom]

I think my way of reconciling inbetween syndrome is by splitting into two selves. You have to be able to live with a bit of cognitive dissonance because we are raised by a culture which makes taboo certain basic human needs. I find that I look down on others' actions less when I realize that we are all the same. We all use things like music and alcohol to escape. We all have romantic/sexual/egotistical needs though we may attempt in vain to transcend them. We are all struggling with the basic nature of reality... I think it's important to be able to embrace all of these very different and contradictive attributes. It's important to be able to do whatever it takes to feel good even if part of you thinks it's wrong (for example, getting drunk or laid occasionally when you are content to just focus on sadness). This doesn't mean you can't maintain philosophical poise. Your mind is the only temple you need, and your actions don't have to jive well with your thoughts...

What I suggest is that you create a lifestyle which is representative of your culture, not to fit in, but rather because there is some wisdom in the meaningless things that people around you do. These practices have been in development for thousands of years. You are a human being. You can enjoy these things too. And while you're partaking in the culture, you can contemplate it in whatever light that you like. That being said, I strongly recommend learning to turn off when necessary. Human consciousness is as much blindness as it is awareness, and I think it has to be that way for us to stay sane.

 

[RAM]

you should just do what is best for you at this time in your life.

It's important to be able to do whatever it takes to feel good even if part of you thinks it's wrong (for example, getting drunk or laid occasionally when you are content to just focus on sadness). This doesn't mean you can't maintain philosophical poise. Your mind is the only temple you need, and your actions don't have to jive well with your thoughts...

The two quotes above are, in my opinion, very good advice and pretty much sum up my thoughts on the matter.

You don't have to decide today how you are going to live the rest of your life. Frankly, that's never really a decision that is made at one point in time. Things change, people come and go, time never stops, and there we are, trying to live how we see fit.

I face this conflict often myself. I work to be an authentic, happy, interesting, good-willed, and fun person, not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. However I am oftentimes surrounded by people who are greedy, boring, hedonistic-in-a-bad-way, selfish, and/or just plain miserable. So it takes a lot of awareness on my part to not let their miseries seep into my own life.

And as for the "sex, drugs, music, friends, romantic relationships, family," I pretty much play that day by day. Some days I am disgusted by the act of sex and try not to think about how perverted it is, while on others I am intimate with a lover, while on others still I am intimate and disgusted a little at the same time. Some days I find music inauthentic, and others I listen to a great variety of sounds from classical to indie. Some days I think about living with my best friends forever, and on others I doubt how much these people even add to my life.

My overall point is that you deserve to treat yourself well. Do whatever you feel is authentic, right, and good for any given day, and try not to make yourself guilty or bad for breaking some code that you set for yourself. I know it can be tough because you really have to trust yourself and do not want to fall into "samsara," but even that is a concept defined by someone else. Some people are perfectly happy in samsara; you have to think yourself, everyday, to determine what is right for you.

 

[332211]

cazman, if renuncuation is your true path, best of luck! buuuut, please, please, please, consider this before you might be in for one of the biggest mistakes of your life:

http://www.lorinroche.com/dangers/homeless.html

this article is about adverse reactions to meditaion, which are definitly possible. invest 10 minutes and save yourself a big chunk of your life, no joke.

much love,
332211