"they say the darkest hours is right fore the dawn" -bob dylan
i have been going through ALOT of change lately..
that of course comes with alot of journeying
but i am on a break now..
just digesting latest revelations, and i must say i am BLOWN away by what iv been through in one year..
in this year i have been through psychedelic drug abuse which scared the soul out of me. i had really bad anxiety and fear. when id trip id often get frightened, and felt psychotic. then i got into opiates heavily... i tripped less out of fear and spiraled out with opiates, alcohol, benzos and occasionally bouts of amphetamine to keep me functioning. needless to say living like that was KILLING my soul, sapping my will to live. i had no hope and no will to live and it made me not care. the only thing i looked forward to was feeling a little death, it sounds stereotypical for heroin abuse but for me thats how it was. by the time i stopped i was using all day long everyday.. NOTHING mattered i was sick and it was directly killing me and i didnt care. i didnt care at all about how much it made me hurt how sick it made me. instead of anticipating the future i dreaded each second of it. i just wanted escape, the only joy i found the only thing i wanted to feel was the not feeling it made me feel. but thankfully the pain caught up with me and i couldnt look away from it. i realized i was dying and i didnt want to! i stopped immediately and went through the most pain i have ever been through for the next two weeks. it was the hardest thing i have ever willed myself to do, because at that point its so much easier to just keep using to not feel the pain. but i knew i had to stick to it and it would all get easier and THANK GOD I DID!
when i was a month clean i got some cactus and started brewing it. the steam from the brew started the process of clearing my sinuses out it was very painful but good at the same time as i knew it was a sign things were healing. i took the mescaline and it began my rebirth.. now i had used mescaline prior to this but i wasnt using it in the same way.. i was using it to get high and thats not what mescaline is for. i was abusing psychedelics then and they abused me back! but i had faith now in the cactus i was seeking its help and that it gave me. it catalyzed a growth in me that has built to this day and will build still. it showed me how to love myself and where i only felt hate before i feel now only love. where i would despise life before i now appreciate each and everything thing. it made me feel like the future is bright and full of opportunity. traded hope for despair and faith for animosity. a month later i started taking pharma again on and off with and without mescaline. now i was a bit nervous at first because when i was using pharma before i was abusing it and like i said it abused me right back, to the point where it made me feel crazy all the time. when i would take the pharma back then i felt ALOT of fear, thoughts of OD and never coming down scary thought loops and visuals. so naturally i worried that this was a condition OF the drug. but i felt a drive urging me to have complete faith and delve anyway so i did...
hmmmm i am having trouble finding words just how to express the effect those pharma trips have had on me i am sure most of you can understand.. there were great revelations of all around me and that effected me. i know what to appreciate and started to see what ties everything together, in this i saw TRUE importance. i caught glimpse of where my life should be heading and what i should be doing. i learned alot about myself and who I really am. most of all i learned to abandon that primal fear i had before. i learned to control my thoughts, when i start having bad ones i change the flow and feel better again.
at that time i started smoking mapacho tobacco and completely stopped cigarettes i went from 30-40 marlboro reds a day to 5-10 skinny spliffs in a few days and now two weeks later i smoke 2-4 spliffs a day.. and i did that all with no discomfort or fiending, i dont fiend anymore for nicotine i can pleasantly look forward to it and wait for 6+ hours! my lungs have never felt better nor my mind body and soul.. i feel healed and i feel blessed with every second i am here and every breath i take.
i learned that life is less about what happens to you and more about what you make of it. you have to take time to appreciate what you have and have had. you have to love yourself and the world around you, and good things will happen.
more to say? ah yes most definitely but i am quite stoned and drawing a blank
theres more to come just need to find the words
i love all of you i couldnt of made it here without your help along my path
we really are all here for each other
1 ♥
i have been going through ALOT of change lately..
that of course comes with alot of journeying
but i am on a break now..just digesting latest revelations, and i must say i am BLOWN away by what iv been through in one year..
in this year i have been through psychedelic drug abuse which scared the soul out of me. i had really bad anxiety and fear. when id trip id often get frightened, and felt psychotic. then i got into opiates heavily... i tripped less out of fear and spiraled out with opiates, alcohol, benzos and occasionally bouts of amphetamine to keep me functioning. needless to say living like that was KILLING my soul, sapping my will to live. i had no hope and no will to live and it made me not care. the only thing i looked forward to was feeling a little death, it sounds stereotypical for heroin abuse but for me thats how it was. by the time i stopped i was using all day long everyday.. NOTHING mattered i was sick and it was directly killing me and i didnt care. i didnt care at all about how much it made me hurt how sick it made me. instead of anticipating the future i dreaded each second of it. i just wanted escape, the only joy i found the only thing i wanted to feel was the not feeling it made me feel. but thankfully the pain caught up with me and i couldnt look away from it. i realized i was dying and i didnt want to! i stopped immediately and went through the most pain i have ever been through for the next two weeks. it was the hardest thing i have ever willed myself to do, because at that point its so much easier to just keep using to not feel the pain. but i knew i had to stick to it and it would all get easier and THANK GOD I DID!
when i was a month clean i got some cactus and started brewing it. the steam from the brew started the process of clearing my sinuses out it was very painful but good at the same time as i knew it was a sign things were healing. i took the mescaline and it began my rebirth.. now i had used mescaline prior to this but i wasnt using it in the same way.. i was using it to get high and thats not what mescaline is for. i was abusing psychedelics then and they abused me back! but i had faith now in the cactus i was seeking its help and that it gave me. it catalyzed a growth in me that has built to this day and will build still. it showed me how to love myself and where i only felt hate before i feel now only love. where i would despise life before i now appreciate each and everything thing. it made me feel like the future is bright and full of opportunity. traded hope for despair and faith for animosity. a month later i started taking pharma again on and off with and without mescaline. now i was a bit nervous at first because when i was using pharma before i was abusing it and like i said it abused me right back, to the point where it made me feel crazy all the time. when i would take the pharma back then i felt ALOT of fear, thoughts of OD and never coming down scary thought loops and visuals. so naturally i worried that this was a condition OF the drug. but i felt a drive urging me to have complete faith and delve anyway so i did...
hmmmm i am having trouble finding words just how to express the effect those pharma trips have had on me i am sure most of you can understand.. there were great revelations of all around me and that effected me. i know what to appreciate and started to see what ties everything together, in this i saw TRUE importance. i caught glimpse of where my life should be heading and what i should be doing. i learned alot about myself and who I really am. most of all i learned to abandon that primal fear i had before. i learned to control my thoughts, when i start having bad ones i change the flow and feel better again.
at that time i started smoking mapacho tobacco and completely stopped cigarettes i went from 30-40 marlboro reds a day to 5-10 skinny spliffs in a few days and now two weeks later i smoke 2-4 spliffs a day.. and i did that all with no discomfort or fiending, i dont fiend anymore for nicotine i can pleasantly look forward to it and wait for 6+ hours! my lungs have never felt better nor my mind body and soul.. i feel healed and i feel blessed with every second i am here and every breath i take.
i learned that life is less about what happens to you and more about what you make of it. you have to take time to appreciate what you have and have had. you have to love yourself and the world around you, and good things will happen.
more to say? ah yes most definitely but i am quite stoned and drawing a blank
theres more to come just need to find the words
i love all of you i couldnt of made it here without your help along my path
we really are all here for each other
1 ♥
