The first time I smoked it was still the most intense experience--a total emergency with no way to communicate that I needed help. There was no time to feel anything but terror. Pure voltage. Merciless. Machinic. It backed off a little and my first coherent thought was that I must’ve taken too much. Nobody could be expected to outlive this. I must be dying. Even if I returned, I would spend the rest of my life in a drool bib. I was nauseous from the amount of information I was experiencing. Then I saw a flash of something I later described to friends as “a kind of Pac-Man grid”. I didn’t want to believe that even pressed against the limit I’d just escaped, my stupid ego was not only intact, but generating random pop culture references, presumably as a kind of pitiful attempt to defend itself. The grid was so austere compared to the outlandish/garish beauty of the other perpetually novel neon visuals that it was difficult to accept the ‘message’ that came with it, which was that this grid is important, integral. For a moment I even felt a little disappointed by this, but before I could formulate the “That’s it?” I was overcome by a totalizing wave of transcendent euphoria. Indescribable Joy. I unclenched my hands. My nails had left deep marks in my palm, but I was okay otherwise.
The other four times I've done it have been far less profoundly disorienting, but also less rewarding. A couple of days after my first experience, I was googling “ayahuasca” and ran across some images of Shipibo textile patterns. There it was. I looked at the grid and felt a creepy kind of recognition without familiarity. I spent a couple of weeks a little spooked by the whole experience--like I was in danger of falling back into that space if my attention lapsed. It was around that time that I found this site. Oh, and I also wanted to say how grateful I am that you guys were out there and how totally helpful and reassuring it was to browse through all of your posts during that truly bewildering time. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Nexians!
The other four times I've done it have been far less profoundly disorienting, but also less rewarding. A couple of days after my first experience, I was googling “ayahuasca” and ran across some images of Shipibo textile patterns. There it was. I looked at the grid and felt a creepy kind of recognition without familiarity. I spent a couple of weeks a little spooked by the whole experience--like I was in danger of falling back into that space if my attention lapsed. It was around that time that I found this site. Oh, and I also wanted to say how grateful I am that you guys were out there and how totally helpful and reassuring it was to browse through all of your posts during that truly bewildering time. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Nexians!
