Through the Shadows into the Light

[Valmar]

Well... I have been through the Shadows and the Light now, and it has been just the beginning of a transformation, it feels like.

Those 7 weeks ago now, I went in with the intention of fully releasing the steel wall in my mind that was blocking me. I had mentally been pushed into a corner due to being unable to face my fears, and the result was pushing down those fear repeatedly, numbing myself. But my spirit guides had no issue with this ~ they knew that I would eventually have nowhere left to run, only to confront my fears, so it was only a matter of time.

That night... I drank 5g of Rue tea and 1g of filtered PE tea. I prayed and requested the power to break through that wall, because I was through with running. Within minutes, I was shown a vision of a dark corridor with a figure who guided me through it. I was being prepared mentally and spiritually. This went on for a while, though nothing much seemed to happen. Eventually, I came to an area of colour and light, with my tiger spirit guide asking me if I was truly, genuinely ready. There was no going back. I made my choice.

I found myself in a pitch-black zone highlight by red neon glowing lines. I went towards the back of it, where I was blocked by an angry red face. It demanded I turn back. I called upon some... authority I seemed to have, allowing me to pass through. I walked mentally into black void, followed by my spirit guides.

What followed was... incoherent madness. I was lost in the vortex, a hurricane, of mass confusion and insanity. There was little in the way of clarity, only chaos. At brief moments, my spirit guides found me, expressing joy and concern at my state, only to lose me in the chaos again. My mind was a nightmare. It felt like my mind had been permanently broken and shattered beyond repair. I do vaguely recall feeling mentally broken, with my mind flickering between red and green rapidly, left and right. It felt like I was a broken radio or television. I became convinced that my very soul was shattered beyond repair, with my existence rapidly fading. I quietly accepted my fate, solemnly. I was to fade, lost forever.

Eventually, I did come to some sense of clarity eventually ~ my soul felt like it had been cleanly put fully back together, thrumming vibrantly and powerfully, like I had never been broken at all. In retrospect, I intuitively knew this was going to happen, somehow, but I was too blinded to know it. I somehow lost 6 hours overall, upon checking my phone. The rest of the journey was a brief period of gentle relaxation, flowing and rambling happily though very tiredly with my spirit guides. I was warned that I was very drained, and that recovery would take quite some time. My spirit guides requested that I wait around ~7 weeks before partaking again to let my mind settle, upon examining my state of mind.

I spent two whole days feeling extremely flattened mentally. My emotions and mind were incredibly dulled. Thinking and feeling was real challenge. The third day I was vaguely better, but still not with it. The fourth day I was sort of recovered, or on the way. The fifth day I felt like myself again, though different somehow. Better, more alive.

7 weeks later now, I was feeling better than before ~ I was ready to take the next step, so my spirit guides requested that I think about what I really wanted.

Some words came to mind... meaning, purpose, power, love, happiness, balance, harmony. I made it something of a mantra. While preparing for my journey, I requested to have a journey of love, light and order, to contrast the confusion, darkness and chaos of the previous journey. To fill a cup that had been emptied.

I had no pear juice, so I resorted to a big teaspoon of sweet honey to add to my 5g Rue and 10g Chaliponga brew. The honey made it rather tolerable, though the Chaliponga came through sharply still. It tasted better than Acacia Confusa rootbark, however...

This time, the come-up was slow. My guts were unsettled, perhaps because of my apprehension. I went an hour of feeling nothing, to suddenly feeling quite a sudden, sharp shift. My mind was swimming, melting, through a honey-liquid-rainbow sea. I barely had a sense of identity ~ it was the shock of sudden transition, I think. I had to force myself to think, so I could focus on that thought, to ground myself in something, to exist.

My mind went even higher, though I was in a state of finding it difficult to tell symbols apart from literal events. It was difficult to discern my own beliefs and thoughts from what I was experiencing. I did eventually descend from that wild high state to something more reasonable. I did find however that I was able to feel a dizzying sharp-hot, nearly limitless sensation of pure love. My mental energy seemed limitless in that state. No matter what, I didn't tire, as I would in the past. I also didn't black out as I had at other times, nor did I feel a need to vomit.

This was contrasted, however, with darker moments of my Shadow popping up ~ its presence was announced with a distinct ticking sound behind my head, going from fast to slow and slower. It was slightly unnerving, but I wasn't afraid now. I could acknowledge and accept, and the manifestation of my Shadow vanished happily and gleefully, as if it had become part of me.

I had thoughts and worries pop up about various situations in my life, and I was shown a different perspective for each of them ~ that these situations were different to what I thought. I was seemingly shown the perspective and thoughts of the other people in these situations, but of course, I have no means of confirming anything. Nor would I presume to invade anyone's privacy, so those thoughts I might just keep private to contemplate over.

A powerful set of journeys, overall. I do not know what comes next... but I feel more like myself than I did before.

But I do know that my head whirls, throbs and aches from the Rue and Chaliponga. Nothing helps but time, I suppose.

Well, I will have more clarity tomorrow perhaps. Whatever will come.

 

[Nydex]

I'm so glad you had a productive set of experiences and are feeling better now brother. 1g of PE with 5g Rue is a hefty dose, but seems like you were ready to fully commit and it did its thing. Wonderful stuff. The second quote in your signature rings so true to how you work with psychedelics it seems, and I commend you on that. It takes some serious cojones to confront one's own demons, and somehow paradoxically, many people that take psychedelics never actually do that.

Welcome back

 

[Valmar]

I'm so glad you had a productive set of experiences and are feeling better now brother.

Cheers.

My experiences have never straightforward nor predictable. I have just had to accept that there's been some long-term plan on the part of the psychedelics. Each subsequent experience has always appeared to build upon the last one, in ways that just make sense somehow in the aftermath.

1g of PE with 5g Rue is a hefty dose, but seems like you were ready to fully commit and it did its thing. Wonderful stuff.

When a man can run no longer, looking into the depths of one's Shadow that has been chasing and demanding attention, acknowledgement, acceptance, well, it doesn't seem so bad in the aftermath, even if it is hell and a half during the journey and the recovery phase.

The second quote in your signature rings so true to how you work with psychedelics it seems, and I commend you on that.

Jung has strongly stood out to me ever since I learned about him through listening to some of Terence McKenna's lectures. I heard Jung's name, and I was drawn to it for some reason. His concept of the Shadow has been a powerful guide, alongside the major concepts of Daoism, and the shamanic path I am bidden to follow.

It takes some serious cojones to confront one's own demons, and somehow paradoxically, many people that take psychedelics never actually do that.

Ayahuasca and Psilocybin have been powerful guides. Originally, I went in with the desire to be free of crippling depression, but before I even got to drinking the brew, I was already going through the healing process in part.

 

[northape]

Thank you for sharing. I don't really know what to say here, apart from the fact that I feel you. Real healing is hard and demanding work. People like to chase rainbows, but real breakthrough is through your own darkness. I've been there too many times to deny it. What I can say from my own experience is that at some point you get a break - the clouds part and you find yourself in the same place, but it feels different and new. I rarely encounter my demons nowadays. Who knows if I made peace with them or if it's just a phase?

Chaliponga is quite demanding on your guts, but I feel it's just its character. This leaf tries to cleanse you and bring you back to life. It's the most somatic admixture of them all, ime. Its energy is wild and chaotic, but the intent behind it is solid. Somehow it grounds you in yourself. I feel this medicine is not about a cosmic connection or some high places, but about life. Give it time, and you'll see that after the storm the sky is clean and the air is at its freshest.

I'm glad that you're not giving up and are still doing what you can. That's the honest way and it will lead you where you need to be. May you find strength and perseverance to go all the way. Much love.

 

[Valmar]

Thank you for sharing. I don't really know what to say here, apart from the fact that I feel you. Real healing is hard and demanding work. People like to chase rainbows, but real breakthrough is through your own darkness. I've been there too many times to deny it. What I can say from my own experience is that at some point you get a break - the clouds part and you find yourself in the same place, but it feels different and new. I rarely encounter my demons nowadays. Who knows if I made peace with them or if it's just a phase?

That is the point of experience, I dare say ~ to find insights about our own nature through the reflections of the world. It is why engaging in the world is so important ~ we can only grow through the trials and challenges. It is why I find Buddhism to have truly missed the mark, so to speak ~ they speak of overcoming suffering, while not understanding that the solution is not running from the world, but building and finding the strength to heal and overcome, to persevere.

Chaliponga is quite demanding on your guts, but I feel it's just its character. This leaf tries to cleanse you and bring you back to life. It's the most somatic admixture of them all, ime. Its energy is wild and chaotic, but the intent behind it is solid. Somehow it grounds you in yourself. I feel this medicine is not about a cosmic connection or some high places, but about life. Give it time, and you'll see that after the storm the sky is clean and the air is at its freshest.

I find cosmic connection to be overrated, somewhat. If one can find an inner balance and harmony, then cosmic connection will come when one is ready.

I am still unsure how to avoid the pounding headaches the next day. It can be quite debilitating, and I'm not sure if it's a diet thing.

I'm glad that you're not giving up and are still doing what you can. That's the honest way and it will lead you where you need to be. May you find strength and perseverance to go all the way. Much love.

Cheers.

Perseverance has been the strongest message I received from an encounter of my higher Self, alongside compassion, kindness, and self-love.

 

[ommani]

That is the point of experience, I dare say ~ to find insights about our own nature through the reflections of the world. It is why engaging in the world is so important ~ we can only grow through the trials and challenges. It is why I find Buddhism to have truly missed the mark, so to speak ~ they speak of overcoming suffering, while not understanding that the solution is not running from the world, but building and finding the strength to heal and overcome, to persevere.

Buddhism is a multifaceted tradition, not a singular one, so while your observation may be relevant to Theravada, in a sense, I’d say it is less relevant to Mahayana/Vajrayana traditions, particularly as described by contemporary teachers like Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh.

 

[Valmar]

Buddhism is a multifaceted tradition, not a singular one, so while your observation may be relevant to Theravada, in a sense, I’d say it is less relevant to Mahayana/Vajrayana traditions, particularly as described by contemporary teachers like Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh.

Would you mind describing the foundational and fundamental differences?

I have a strong draw to Tibetan Buddhism, to add to this ~ it seems strikingly different from the rest in many ways.

 

[ommani]

Would you mind describing the foundational and fundamental differences?

I have a strong draw to Tibetan Buddhism, to add to this ~ it seems strikingly different from the rest in many ways.

I’m far from being an expert on this topic, but can comment on what I understand to be some of the main differences. While this may be an oversimplification (and probably is), there seems to be a general theme of the Theravada school being mainly about one’s own salvation, while Mahayana focuses explicitly on the virtue of awakening for the benefit of all beings (including oneself).

Additionally, while the more orthodox, Theravada teachings seem to focus on overcoming our suffering, Mahayana, in my understanding, seems to be more about being in a process with it. This process oriented approach is illustrated in Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering, which points to the compost-like nature of our suffering that is needed for the garden of our heart-mind to bloom. The general idea is that like a gardener would beneficially incorporate compost into their garden, we can work with our suffering in a similarly inclusive way.

In terms of Tibetan Buddhism, Pema Chodron is largely known for teaching Tonglen meditation, where you breathe in pain and suffering, broadly stated, and breathe out relief for oneself and others, as a way of transforming suffering, rather than seeking to eliminate it.

Getting more into the Vajrayana spectrum, Pema Chodron has a great book called, The Places that Scare You, which is based on the instructions given to the famous Tibetan yogini, Machig Labdron, by her teacher, which included helping those you think you cannot help (potentially including oneself), approaching what you find repulsive, and going to the places that scare you (like the charnel grounds, if you happen to live in medieval Tibet).

In may limited understanding of Vajrayana, the five poisons of the mind (ignorance, attachment, aversion, pride, and jealousy), which are conventionally taught as the primary sources of mental suffering, are viewed as being the deluded aspects of awakened wisdom, corresponding to the five elements, the five buddha families, and the five colors seen in Tibetan prayer flags.

While the tantric view of ultimate sacredness, or the indivisible nature of nirvana and samsara, seems to have the potential for contributing to spiritual bypassing, it appears to be the defining characteristic of Vajrayana Buddhism, differentiating it from more traditional/orthodox Buddhist teachings, as I understand it.

For more on the five wisdoms, check out, Unfolding the Mystery of Your Life on the Five Wisdoms path, by Irini Rockwell, which is a book I’m currently reading that goes deeply into the topic.

Another book on the topic, which I have but haven’t read yet, is called, Spectrum of Ecstacy: Embracing the Five Wisdom Emotions of Vajrayana Buddhism.