I'm sorry if this topic is a bit lengthy, but I feel the need to put everything in context. I'm sorry if it seems a bit weird or personal. I'm still trying to put together what I went through last night, and the few people familiar with DMT I've talked to don't seem to understand. Perhaps, I'm hoping, other people out there do. In any case, even if I experienced the drug in a completely unusual way, it is one hell of a drug.
So anyway, I'm 25, and my main problem in life is anxiety. I dealt with a lot of stuff as a kid including getting my leg amputated, having a crazy family, and having mean and manipulative friends. I don't say this with any expectation of pity or compassion, it's simply an unfortunate occurrence, and I am most certainly trying to learn what put me in those circumstances and how I can get out of them. It is difficult.
Anyway, that is the context. A mind dealing with those sorts of things was going into this trip, and I can't decide yet if it was beneficial or possibly very, very harmful. But in any case, around 10:50pm last night, I drank about 6-7g of DMT (having taken 300mg moclobemide about an hour earlier).
I first noticed that I was feeling the come-up about 30-45 minutes later when everything seemed a lot lighter. Edges sharpened, and I became a lot more aware of the feeling of the room as well as of my body. I felt way, way more grounded in myself and in reality. I genuinely laughed a bit - at least as genuine as I could, my sadness was still in the room. More positive people, people less afflicted with anxiety issues, probably live life closer to this place than I do, I thought. Things seemed WAY less serious, and I was deeply unhappy at the damage I have let my over-worrying, self-conscious, and wounded mind do to my life. "None of that even mattered, and yet I wasted years...". I kept thinking I needed to write stuff down, only to discover a few hours later that I never really ended up doing so. I had simply been too busy observing, talking to my friend, and being deeply happy that I was being displayed a reality apart from my normal reality.
Eventually, though, it became clear that the drug was shifting into higher and higher gears. I don't remember much of that process, but the first thing I remember realizing is that everything - and I mean everything - is only a dream, a figment of our imagination. The degree to which the drug reveals this to you - and the weirdly convincing, neutral way in which it is presented, was a lot more than I expected going in.
Basic concepts like parents, friends, jobs, even my personal "me" story seemed meaningless and illusory. They had nothing to do with who I was, which was consciousness itself. As this experience developed, what was left of my ego jacked the experience and I began to believe I had experienced some sort of spiritual awakening and that I was never going to go back. "All that searching, and finally I'm here." I felt quite disoriented, as if I had just unexpectedly been unplugged from the matrix and was coming to terms with the fact everything I had ever known or held to be true was completely and utterly false. It almost felt like other people weren't even real, but just constructions of my mind, along with everything else in reality. My friend tried talking to me, but I didn't even bother talking back because I felt like he was just my imagination. There seemed to be some sort of presence watching me, understanding that the process was frightening, and helping me through it, seemingly saying "Don't worry, you'll be okay, we aren't judging you for being so deluded or wrong about the universe. Everyone goes through this, it's part of life. Just let the process happen." I still didn't know if I was ever going to go back, and at points, I think I was pretty convinced I wasn't going to. I still thought I was awakened for the most part. I started to wonder what happened, and started formulating that the drug itself was just a medium to awakening. I really, really felt like everything was just a construction of my mind. More and more realizations flashed in my head, including the fact that there is no such thing as death. Life is just this construction of ideas and concepts we build, and then eventually tear down, only to build again until we eventually get it right. Sorry for this disjointed nature of my writing - it really all was quite inexplicable.
I was still hoping this was all true, but a small part of me knew that it wasn't, and that I would be going back whether I liked it or not. And this, I think, is where I learned the most from the drug. That is, life isn't easy. We all have different circumstances, but we just have to deal with them and try and live life the best we can. You have to ultimately let go of your vanity, and your concerns with all these worldly things, and simply accept that what is is and more often than not there is nothing you can do about it.
I'm still really confused.
Does this sound like a normal trip?
So anyway, I'm 25, and my main problem in life is anxiety. I dealt with a lot of stuff as a kid including getting my leg amputated, having a crazy family, and having mean and manipulative friends. I don't say this with any expectation of pity or compassion, it's simply an unfortunate occurrence, and I am most certainly trying to learn what put me in those circumstances and how I can get out of them. It is difficult.
Anyway, that is the context. A mind dealing with those sorts of things was going into this trip, and I can't decide yet if it was beneficial or possibly very, very harmful. But in any case, around 10:50pm last night, I drank about 6-7g of DMT (having taken 300mg moclobemide about an hour earlier).
I first noticed that I was feeling the come-up about 30-45 minutes later when everything seemed a lot lighter. Edges sharpened, and I became a lot more aware of the feeling of the room as well as of my body. I felt way, way more grounded in myself and in reality. I genuinely laughed a bit - at least as genuine as I could, my sadness was still in the room. More positive people, people less afflicted with anxiety issues, probably live life closer to this place than I do, I thought. Things seemed WAY less serious, and I was deeply unhappy at the damage I have let my over-worrying, self-conscious, and wounded mind do to my life. "None of that even mattered, and yet I wasted years...". I kept thinking I needed to write stuff down, only to discover a few hours later that I never really ended up doing so. I had simply been too busy observing, talking to my friend, and being deeply happy that I was being displayed a reality apart from my normal reality.
Eventually, though, it became clear that the drug was shifting into higher and higher gears. I don't remember much of that process, but the first thing I remember realizing is that everything - and I mean everything - is only a dream, a figment of our imagination. The degree to which the drug reveals this to you - and the weirdly convincing, neutral way in which it is presented, was a lot more than I expected going in.
Basic concepts like parents, friends, jobs, even my personal "me" story seemed meaningless and illusory. They had nothing to do with who I was, which was consciousness itself. As this experience developed, what was left of my ego jacked the experience and I began to believe I had experienced some sort of spiritual awakening and that I was never going to go back. "All that searching, and finally I'm here." I felt quite disoriented, as if I had just unexpectedly been unplugged from the matrix and was coming to terms with the fact everything I had ever known or held to be true was completely and utterly false. It almost felt like other people weren't even real, but just constructions of my mind, along with everything else in reality. My friend tried talking to me, but I didn't even bother talking back because I felt like he was just my imagination. There seemed to be some sort of presence watching me, understanding that the process was frightening, and helping me through it, seemingly saying "Don't worry, you'll be okay, we aren't judging you for being so deluded or wrong about the universe. Everyone goes through this, it's part of life. Just let the process happen." I still didn't know if I was ever going to go back, and at points, I think I was pretty convinced I wasn't going to. I still thought I was awakened for the most part. I started to wonder what happened, and started formulating that the drug itself was just a medium to awakening. I really, really felt like everything was just a construction of my mind. More and more realizations flashed in my head, including the fact that there is no such thing as death. Life is just this construction of ideas and concepts we build, and then eventually tear down, only to build again until we eventually get it right. Sorry for this disjointed nature of my writing - it really all was quite inexplicable.
I was still hoping this was all true, but a small part of me knew that it wasn't, and that I would be going back whether I liked it or not. And this, I think, is where I learned the most from the drug. That is, life isn't easy. We all have different circumstances, but we just have to deal with them and try and live life the best we can. You have to ultimately let go of your vanity, and your concerns with all these worldly things, and simply accept that what is is and more often than not there is nothing you can do about it.
I'm still really confused.
Does this sound like a normal trip?
