I'd arguably had a few breakthroughs before but nothing coming close to what I'd read in some reports. One day, after smoking from the same classic vapor genie for a while without ever properly cleaning it, I accidentally got a huge dose which could easily have been 100-200mg. Maybe it was a new lighter or I was holding it differently or whatever. I didn't even fully breathe in a single time but it was the densest vapor I'd ever had and then something happened that never had before.
I'd had sort of ego deaths before but it was more like getting extremely immersed but this time was different. It was like violently getting ripped from my physical body. I remember trying to swallow but half way through I got disconnected from my body completely and could not finish swallowing. At that moment I knew I was in for hell of a ride. The next thing I remember is feeling like I was having a horrible realization about the nature of reality, also with a character of deja-vu. It felt like waking up from a nice dream into a nightmarish reality. Remembering that all that is important to me was just an illusion. Then I went into an intense ego death like never before.
The most similar experience I'd had before was actually on lsd, not dmt. It felt like I was becoming one with everything. I was the entire universe as a single conscious being, but I did not have control over anything, I was just forced to experience everything. A horrible onslaught of chaotic experience, all at the same time, but time didn't really seem to exist. The experience was also very physical. I felt like being pulled, twisted, contorted, twitching uncontrollably in both ecstasy and pain. Feeling every emotion and sensation at the same time, experiencing everything that is possible repeating infinitely. And it was unbearable. Unbelievably stressful and unrelenting. All I wanted was for it to end.
Then came the next stage. I kind of found myself back in reality, but at that point I did not understand reality yet, and I still kind of thought reality was what I had experienced just before. I was still tripping hard at this point but I was walking around in my apartment and trying to make sense of anything, feeling horrible existential anxiety. Feeling trapped in this state of insanity. I thought I was stuck in a time loop of sorts, with constant intense feelings of deja-vu. Every action I took trying to escape this was followed by a horrible realization that I done the same fruitlessly an infinite number of times before. As I was walking around in my apartment and looking at objects everything felt weird and wrong. Some words popped up in my mind, basic things like my name, my girlfriend's name, the name of my country, city, "human", "room", "mirror", "microwave", "language", "word" ... but I did not understand language yet or what those words meant fully and they seemed strange and wrong somehow. I was feeling horrible existential anxiety while this lasted but eventually I regained more clarity and soon I was mostly back to normal.
With all my previous dmt trips I had been back to normal 100% after just half an hour or so but this time there were some lingering effects. Thinking of the trip was causing intense feeling of existential dread. This was in the evening and I went to bed soon after and a horrible night filled with nightmares followed. It's been a few weeks now and I'm still feeling some derealization and the occasional anxiety/dread. Most nights I've been having nightmares, particularly ones with sleep paralysis. I've had quite intense flashbacks at night, almost like being back in that trip, and I'm not sure if they were dreams. Also very unusual nightmares in general and very physical ones, like where gravity was going crazy and I was being pulled and thrown around in my bed and against the wall.
It is getting better and I've had weaker but similar after effects twice before, once after weed and once after lsd so I'm not particularly worried. Also benzos always make it go away 100% while they last (and I have an ample prescription for my social anxiety). It is at the worst while I am alone and the derealization is usually triggered visually. Just today I found out that strangely wearing shades in my apartment helps a lot. Maybe because when wearing shades altered visuals are natural/expected so when I get the feeling that what I'm seeing is somehow strange/wrong it doesn't trigger anxiety as much.
Aaanyway, let's get to the reason why I'm writing all of this:
I've read so many glowing reports about ego death. About a glowing warm white light, infinity, nothingness, a peacefulness, relaxation, serenity, bliss etc.
People often write that you may feel anxiety on the comeup but after your ego dies there is no negativity anymore. Now I wasn't feeling anxiety at the peak but it was extremely unpleasant.
So I wonder, is this the same ego death that everyone is experiencing and I'm just not the kind of person who enjoys it? Or are there very different kinds of ego deaths. I really want to experience this peaceful kind of ego death that people describe but I'm afraid to try for I never want to experience the one that I have again and I kind of feel all the psychedelics I've tried so far are taking me to this same place at higher doses.
I might be able to obtain some 5-meo which I guess is most often associated with what I want to experience and also said to be distinctly different from traditional psychedelics but I'm still afraid it might be the same for me and that this is just how I personally experience ego death.
Is there maybe anyone who's had both experiences, the one I described and the positive one of "the void" that so many people write about?
I'd had sort of ego deaths before but it was more like getting extremely immersed but this time was different. It was like violently getting ripped from my physical body. I remember trying to swallow but half way through I got disconnected from my body completely and could not finish swallowing. At that moment I knew I was in for hell of a ride. The next thing I remember is feeling like I was having a horrible realization about the nature of reality, also with a character of deja-vu. It felt like waking up from a nice dream into a nightmarish reality. Remembering that all that is important to me was just an illusion. Then I went into an intense ego death like never before.
The most similar experience I'd had before was actually on lsd, not dmt. It felt like I was becoming one with everything. I was the entire universe as a single conscious being, but I did not have control over anything, I was just forced to experience everything. A horrible onslaught of chaotic experience, all at the same time, but time didn't really seem to exist. The experience was also very physical. I felt like being pulled, twisted, contorted, twitching uncontrollably in both ecstasy and pain. Feeling every emotion and sensation at the same time, experiencing everything that is possible repeating infinitely. And it was unbearable. Unbelievably stressful and unrelenting. All I wanted was for it to end.
Then came the next stage. I kind of found myself back in reality, but at that point I did not understand reality yet, and I still kind of thought reality was what I had experienced just before. I was still tripping hard at this point but I was walking around in my apartment and trying to make sense of anything, feeling horrible existential anxiety. Feeling trapped in this state of insanity. I thought I was stuck in a time loop of sorts, with constant intense feelings of deja-vu. Every action I took trying to escape this was followed by a horrible realization that I done the same fruitlessly an infinite number of times before. As I was walking around in my apartment and looking at objects everything felt weird and wrong. Some words popped up in my mind, basic things like my name, my girlfriend's name, the name of my country, city, "human", "room", "mirror", "microwave", "language", "word" ... but I did not understand language yet or what those words meant fully and they seemed strange and wrong somehow. I was feeling horrible existential anxiety while this lasted but eventually I regained more clarity and soon I was mostly back to normal.
With all my previous dmt trips I had been back to normal 100% after just half an hour or so but this time there were some lingering effects. Thinking of the trip was causing intense feeling of existential dread. This was in the evening and I went to bed soon after and a horrible night filled with nightmares followed. It's been a few weeks now and I'm still feeling some derealization and the occasional anxiety/dread. Most nights I've been having nightmares, particularly ones with sleep paralysis. I've had quite intense flashbacks at night, almost like being back in that trip, and I'm not sure if they were dreams. Also very unusual nightmares in general and very physical ones, like where gravity was going crazy and I was being pulled and thrown around in my bed and against the wall.
It is getting better and I've had weaker but similar after effects twice before, once after weed and once after lsd so I'm not particularly worried. Also benzos always make it go away 100% while they last (and I have an ample prescription for my social anxiety). It is at the worst while I am alone and the derealization is usually triggered visually. Just today I found out that strangely wearing shades in my apartment helps a lot. Maybe because when wearing shades altered visuals are natural/expected so when I get the feeling that what I'm seeing is somehow strange/wrong it doesn't trigger anxiety as much.
Aaanyway, let's get to the reason why I'm writing all of this:
I've read so many glowing reports about ego death. About a glowing warm white light, infinity, nothingness, a peacefulness, relaxation, serenity, bliss etc.
People often write that you may feel anxiety on the comeup but after your ego dies there is no negativity anymore. Now I wasn't feeling anxiety at the peak but it was extremely unpleasant.
So I wonder, is this the same ego death that everyone is experiencing and I'm just not the kind of person who enjoys it? Or are there very different kinds of ego deaths. I really want to experience this peaceful kind of ego death that people describe but I'm afraid to try for I never want to experience the one that I have again and I kind of feel all the psychedelics I've tried so far are taking me to this same place at higher doses.
I might be able to obtain some 5-meo which I guess is most often associated with what I want to experience and also said to be distinctly different from traditional psychedelics but I'm still afraid it might be the same for me and that this is just how I personally experience ego death.
Is there maybe anyone who's had both experiences, the one I described and the positive one of "the void" that so many people write about?