Vulnerability in Sharing a Personal Inner Conundrum

[BundleflowerPower]

Greetings my friends

Would like to share something that has been acknowledge, but not addressed for me personally. A few recent psychedelic experiences and reflection has brought this to the forefront of my mind.

I will try to keep it brief.

To state it explicitly, I have a hard time doing almost anything I want or desire to do, and there are deeply entrenched feelings of being "undeserving," accompanied by guilt and shame.

If I can convince myself that whatever want or desire is in the category of self-care, then it's whatever.

The essence of this is mainly my severe depression. It is what it is, we're dealt the hand we're dealt. However, the concepts attached that make this harder can be mitigated.

Such as this deep inner mandate, attached to an idea of Enlightenment that was generated around the age of 16, that runs, "anything I want to do must also serve some greater external good." That's nice and all, but a fallacy. One cannot always serve. We must all walk our own paths. I must foster myself. It's my duty to myself as consciousness in this embodiment. And the idea of Enlightenment, doesn't mean "be miserable all the time." It's okay to feel joy outside of performing service.

We could also consider my upbringing. Father: abusive (mentally and physically), stifling, controlling, defeating, hindering, etc. Often upset with for no real reason (imo). Influenced feelings of being undeserving; inadequate.

But at my age (early 30s), it seems I ultimately decide, in manners concerning only myself, whether I am deserving or not. As an example, not every listed item needs to be accomplished for me to go ahead and take a quick journey. Just the most important responsibilities. And considering DMT usually improves my mental state, it's reasonable to reflect that it may help me get more done. It's also not necessary that I always had "proper" or "right" action or behavior, because I won't; I am human. Perfection is an ideal, not necessarily part of pragmatic reality.

But, then, we need to revisit feeling undeserving because, with psychedelics, there's this underlying worry (I'm a worrier... work in progress, work in progress...) that the psychedelic will punish me... completely irrational, I'm aware. But, it's still there. There's self-applied cognitive acrobatics involved in working up the nerve to do psychedelics, though I want to do them...

I don't really know how I got to this point... I mean part of me does, and part of me doesn't. All of this is programmed in me through neural routes of frameworks. It will take time to reprogram. It's a fundamental disconnect with myself.

And this pertains to other activities outside of psychedelics as well. Music, video games, etc. I find myself following the feeling of "what should I be doing," instead of "what would I like to be doing?"

I even felt this for taking my psychedelic guide courses and intensives. Feeling selfish for doing so...

Aside from reframing and rebuilding a stronger foundation for my relationship with DMT, this issue is also why I don't breakthrough on purpose...

Sometimes humbling yourself before others with a problem helps make progress towards changing it. I thank you for reading and support. You are all phenomenal, which is why this can be shared here.

I'll figure this out, though it may take a while.

And this wasn't that brief, apologies.

I love you all

One love

I'm shocked that I haven't seen this post until today.

I actually didn’t notice the help and advice for healing section at all for the first 4 or 5 years I was here.

 

[BundleflowerPower]

I am overwhelmed by the love and support from you. So humbled and grateful to each and everyone of you, so much so that as I revisited, seeing new posts and perusing through some older ones, I began to cry. Good tears though. I didn't expect this much reception when I initially posted this thread.

I’ve read something similar while reading Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s books. He mentions late Hellenistic and Roman moral writings, by philosophers like Senica and Marcus Arillius and others. And Montaigne as well, who was a popularizer of such ancient writers/ writings. I’ve yet to read many of them.

Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s works btw, while not being about healing, his writings have been very helpful with my healing process. He wrote a series of books called “The Incerto.” He’s definitely my favorite philosopher of these times we live in.

https://en.wikipedia.org...i/Nassim_Nicholas_Taleb

Whitehead is also interesting to me. While I haven’t read much of his work, he influenced many people who have helped me. Like ones from Eselen and California Institute of intregal studies, who btw have a lot of information about healing on their website and YouTube channels.

Thank you for the newbie for me (Nassim). I have heard the name several times, but never fell down his rabbit hole. If he is advocating for such stoic philosophers then I will be intrigued (I read Marcus Aurelius in high school which impacted me greatly in my moral resolve.

Will definitely be checking him out.

Whitehead is awesome. Really enjoy the majority of his work that I've come across. I encountered him through my on going studies in mathematics and logic.

I find a lot of healing interacting in the realm of philosophy. Something about engaged depth of thought resets and invigorates me. But will be looking into the Institue of Integral Studies, as I had never heard of them.

Thank you!

I'm shocked that I haven't seen this post until today. I can relate to all of this, 100%. Thank you for sharing. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing. It seems your path has many parallels to my own, and I can always relate to things you post. This one is no different and some of these are things that I am currently challenged with, like the "self-applied cognitive acrobatics involved in working up the nerve to do psychedelics". I feel that. Sometimes it feels like things will never change, but then I look back and see how much has changed already. Anyway, much love, and keep it up!

My brother, there's definitely resonance felt on my end with you as well.

As you say, I think it'll never change and think back and see how much it has: I have started legitimately working on a guidework practice, I have developed a powerful relationship with DMT that I am very happy with, and more. It's sometimes simply hard to keep that in perspective, but in learning to be gentler with myself, I am learning ways of engaging the more beneficial perspective when it's hard to.

You share a great deal of wisdom here and I want to return the encouragement for you to keep it up as well

P.S. You may be pleased to know that I just ate some mushrooms.

We all carry some amount of trauma with us throughout our lives. We haven't talked much, but from the few times we've had an exchange in the chat, you've always left a pleasant feeling in me. You strike me like a kind-hearted person that is always willing to reach out and offer some advice or support. People like you are valuable and much needed in nowadays' ever so disparate society.

I know saying "don't feel that way" does absolutely nothing, so I'm just going to say what I have observed and felt for you. What you make of it and how you apply it to your mindset is up to you. But I have a lot of respect for you. I like to think we're somewhat of a family here on the Nexus because anyone can always reach out and they will be listened to and offered support.

So that's what I'm doing - offering my wholehearted love and support to you. If you need to talk, you can always talk to me. I might not be able to provide some insightful commentary or advice, mostly because I'm still rather in the same boat with you than on the shore, but oftentimes knowing you're not alone in the deep is everything you need to make it through and grow.

Love ya brother. This place is better with you around.

Indeed we do, and I have had some psychedelic experiences that have uncovered a plethora that I have not worked on as much as I truly need to.

Thank you for such kindness in your view. It means a great deal to me. And it's funny because you're definitely someone who I have the thought, "I hope we can interact more soon." Reciprocity is a beautiful thing, as I find you to be an authentic and standup individual who I too have great respect for.

I also agree that this overall is like family. My tribe is here. And while, I try to be authentic as often as possible, which includes being vulnerable, here is where I feel the most comfortable with and about it. All of you add to my feeling this way (safe and comfortable).

Sending love to you all. I can't put into words how grateful I am.

I have learned a lot, discovering that many of you deal with a similar conundrum. While I feel for all of you, I also feel we're in this together now.

In an effort to help move past this, I am working on a treatise that I've wanted to write (for over a decade) revolving around skepticism and paradox. I decided it would help me write the full version, by sharing my brand and use of skepticism here at the Nexus.

Voidmatrix, I just noticed your post about skepticism and I clicked back to this thread. Going to go back and read it after.

Perhaps you’d like Taleb. He’s what he calls an empirical skeptic.

 

[Nydex]

We all carry some amount of trauma with us throughout our lives. We haven't talked much, but from the few times we've had an exchange in the chat, you've always left a pleasant feeling in me. You strike me like a kind-hearted person that is always willing to reach out and offer some advice or support. People like you are valuable and much needed in nowadays' ever so disparate society.

I know saying "don't feel that way" does absolutely nothing, so I'm just going to say what I have observed and felt for you. What you make of it and how you apply it to your mindset is up to you. But I have a lot of respect for you. I like to think we're somewhat of a family here on the Nexus because anyone can always reach out and they will be listened to and offered support.

So that's what I'm doing - offering my wholehearted love and support to you. If you need to talk, you can always talk to me. I might not be able to provide some insightful commentary or advice, mostly because I'm still rather in the same boat with you than on the shore, but oftentimes knowing you're not alone in the deep is everything you need to make it through and grow.

Love ya brother. This place is better with you around.

Indeed we do, and I have had some psychedelic experiences that have uncovered a plethora that I have not worked on as much as I truly need to.

Thank you for such kindness in your view. It means a great deal to me. And it's funny because you're definitely someone who I have the thought, "I hope we can interact more soon." Reciprocity is a beautiful thing, as I find you to be an authentic and standup individual who I too have great respect for.

I also agree that this overall is like family. My tribe is here. And while, I try to be authentic as often as possible, which includes being vulnerable, here is where I feel the most comfortable with and about it. All of you add to my feeling this way (safe and comfortable).

Sending love to you all. I can't put into words how grateful I am.

Absolutely brother! I too am reminded every time I journey outwards (or inwards, depending on perspective) of those things I always tell myself I need to work on but always find a way to slack on. Some habits are tough to deal with. But we're all work in progress, and I know very well that everything in this universe comes precisely when, where, and how it needs to come. Forcing it does nothing but create anxiety.

Change is an inseparable part of human existence, and we need to work towards improving our ability to accept that simple fact. Change is neither good nor bad. It's neither easy nor hard. It is all of it at once, and sometimes it's so subtle and gradual that it's none of it at all.

There's a really nice quote by Seneca from his "Moral Letters from a Stoic", written around 2000 years ago, that beautifully captures the fleeting nature of our struggles in this earthly realm:

For what is free from the risk of change? Neither earth, nor sky, nor the whole fabric of our universe, though it be controlled by the hand of God. It will not always preserve its present order; it will be thrown from its course in days to come. All things move in accord with their appointed times; they are destined to be born, to grow, and to be destroyed. The stars which you see moving above us, and this seemingly immovable earth to which we cling and on which we are set, will be consumed and will cease to exist. There is nothing that does not have its old age; the intervals are merely unequal at which Nature sends forth all these things towards the same goal. Whatever is will cease to be, and yet it will not perish, but will be resolved into its elements.

Take from it what you wish. I decided to read Seneca's letters in their entirety right before my journey to Peru. The things I read in this fantastic piece of literature changed my worldview in many ways, all of whom I view as positive. If you feel somewhat lost, I can recommend you read it. If you have a Kindle, I can send you a zip of the entire thing, ready to import.

And finally - I too hoped that we'd have the chance to chat a bit more. Not sure how I've missed your presence here for so long, but as soon as we started chatting, it felt like I was talking to an old friend that I've known for a very long time. Reciprocal or not, I would love to have a chat with you again soon.

Stay safe brother. Love & Light

 

[Voidmatrix]

Absolutely brother! I too am reminded every time I journey outwards (or inwards, depending on perspective) of those things I always tell myself I need to work on but always find a way to slack on. Some habits are tough to deal with. But we're all work in progress, and I know very well that everything in this universe comes precisely when, where, and how it needs to come. Forcing it does nothing but create anxiety.

Change is an inseparable part of human existence, and we need to work towards improving our ability to accept that simple fact. Change is neither good nor bad. It's neither easy nor hard. It is all of it at once, and sometimes it's so subtle and gradual that it's none of it at all.

There's a really nice quote by Seneca from his "Moral Letters from a Stoic", written around 2000 years ago, that beautifully captures the fleeting nature of our struggles in this earthly realm:

For what is free from the risk of change? Neither earth, nor sky, nor the whole fabric of our universe, though it be controlled by the hand of God. It will not always preserve its present order; it will be thrown from its course in days to come. All things move in accord with their appointed times; they are destined to be born, to grow, and to be destroyed. The stars which you see moving above us, and this seemingly immovable earth to which we cling and on which we are set, will be consumed and will cease to exist. There is nothing that does not have its old age; the intervals are merely unequal at which Nature sends forth all these things towards the same goal. Whatever is will cease to be, and yet it will not perish, but will be resolved into its elements.

ake from it what you wish. I decided to read Seneca's letters in their entirety right before my journey to Peru. The things I read in this fantastic piece of literature changed my worldview in many ways, all of whom I view as positive. If you feel somewhat lost, I can recommend you read it. If you have a Kindle, I can send you a zip of the entire thing, ready to import.

And finally - I too hoped that we'd have the chance to chat a bit more. Not sure how I've missed your presence here for so long, but as soon as we started chatting, it felt like I was talking to an old friend that I've known for a very long time. Reciprocal or not, I would love to have a chat with you again soon.

Stay safe brother. Love & Light

And that is exactly what I'm learning. I have put too much emphasis on things like discipline for myself, which is good to an extent. When you do things because you feel you should be doing them instead of doing things you would like to do, there's not a lot of joy or motivation.

It's funny you mention change. I have "Change is Constant" tattooed on the back of my neck with "Δ=π?" underneath. I try to be sure to always bear it in mind as well. Making peace with flux, within and without, is self mastery. And that was a marvelous quote.

Thank you for your grounding support. It means a great deal to me brother.

Looking forward to seeing you in the chat again soon!



One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

A check in:

As I was working today, thinking about the things dear to me to do work on and my struggles with such, a thought crossed my mind: reframe any and all projects as a method for fighting back or pushing against depression as well as developing self-esteem. With this change of perspective I anticipate certain mental pathways to still crop up, like inner criticisms, second guessing, low self-esteem patters, etc, but instead of leaning into them will instead focus on just doing the work and the goals of the work; fight depression, build self-esteem, and the goal of the given project itself.

Thought this may help some of you as well.

One love

 

[Nydex]

A check in:

As I was working today, thinking about the things dear to me to do work on and my struggles with such, a thought crossed my mind: reframe any and all projects as a method for fighting back or pushing against depression as well as developing self-esteem. With this change of perspective I anticipate certain mental pathways to still crop up, like inner criticisms, second guessing, low self-esteem patters, etc, but instead of leaning into them will instead focus on just doing the work and the goals of the work; fight depression, build self-esteem, and the goal of the given project itself.

Thought this may help some of you as well.

One love

Sounds like a very reasonable direction. I've tried doing something similar as well, but every time I've hit the same wall - my motivation to keep this up wanes over time, and soon I reach the same mental bog that I tried to crawl out of when I first set out this intention in my mind.

In those moments of insurmountable difficulty, the only thing that has helped me resurface has been LSD. That's why I'm eternally grateful to this beautiful tool.

Peace

 

[Th3_tRuTh]

A check in:

As I was working today, thinking about the things dear to me to do work on and my struggles with such, a thought crossed my mind: reframe any and all projects as a method for fighting back or pushing against depression as well as developing self-esteem. With this change of perspective I anticipate certain mental pathways to still crop up, like inner criticisms, second guessing, low self-esteem patters, etc, but instead of leaning into them will instead focus on just doing the work and the goals of the work; fight depression, build self-esteem, and the goal of the given project itself.

Thought this may help some of you as well.

One love

I love it, brother!

Keep on keepin on!

 

[Voidmatrix]

Sounds like a very reasonable direction. I've tried doing something similar as well, but every time I've hit the same wall - my motivation to keep this up wanes over time, and soon I reach the same mental bog that I tried to crawl out of when I first set out this intention in my mind.

In those moments of insurmountable difficulty, the only thing that has helped me resurface has been LSD. That's why I'm eternally grateful to this beautiful tool.

Peace

Thank you for pointing out that returning phenomenon. I have a feeling it may occur for me as well. I intend on really assessing it to see how to override it, and then if need be, like you, will turn to a psychedelic (in my case, it'll probably be changa). In finding any strategies for avoiding the "return" I will share them here.

I love it, brother!

Keep on keepin on!

Thank you so much! I'm trying! (But not trying too hard because I've tried too hard for too long lol)



One love

 

[Jees]

"Shame and guild" is a powerhouse ace, we are very vulnerable to it. Any movement that aims at getting power over people will use this ace to nail some nails in the hearts.

And it is very confusing: the mantra is to be human, thus to accept being not-perfect. But when you bring that into practice then the hammer of shame and guild will swing at you relentlessly, by others and our selves.

We're constantly draped, infused, imprinted, showered...... with shame and guild. Everywhere and about anything. It isn't just the growing up phase that got polluted with it, it's behind any corner of our existence 24/7. I should eat better, do things better, sport some more, read some more, not waste time, don't drool, love better, ...

The good news is: if this is so extremely and overly present then it might as well be not so personal after all? If we could zoom out and label it as yet another "emotion" then we might treat it as such?

 

[Voidmatrix]

"Shame and guild" is a powerhouse ace, we are very vulnerable to it. Any movement that aims at getting power over people will use this ace to nail some nails in the hearts.

And it is very confusing: the mantra is to be human, thus to accept being not-perfect. But when you bring that into practice then the hammer of shame and guild will swing at you relentlessly, by others and our selves.

We're constantly draped, infused, imprinted, showered...... with shame and guild. Everywhere and about anything. It isn't just the growing up phase that got polluted with it, it's behind any corner of our existence 24/7. I should eat better, do things better, sport some more, read some more, not waste time, don't drool, love better, ...

The good news is: if this is so extremely and overly present then it might as well be not so personal after all? If we could zoom out and label it as yet another "emotion" then we might treat it as such?

It really is everywhere, and coming from many who may have fundamental lacking of self-awareness (hence their judgments rather than understanding).

This lends itself to why I generally don't expect to be understood most of the time.

It also reminds me of something that I have been hammering into my mind (though it's been in my mind for quite sometime, it's time to solidify it with a better foundation): there will always be someone with an issue or problem with something you're doing, no matter how altruistic the motive.

Also, what your observation solidifies for me is moving away from "I should do this," and "I should do that," to "I'd like to do this," or "I'd like to do that."

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Hello everyone. I'd like to thank all those who have shown their support. You've been a factor in bringing me to what I am about to share.

Sometimes we realize things. Sometimes these realizations can hit like a freight train. Sometimes the realization occurs during a long period of time (not relegated to a single moment when it first arises). I kinda feel like I've been in this same realization for 6 months and it's coming to a head.

In my early 20s I did a short stint in the mental hospital on a voluntary hold. During a one on one conversation with a doctor, he told me, "you're beyond yourself." That's been something that has been on my mind over a decade and I'm finally feeling like I'm starting to understand the sentiment(a different doctor at the same facility told me that I am too smart for my own good, to which my response was, "what am I supposed to do? Get dumber?" But we're still not touching that one right now).

A few years ago I had a dear friend lay on me, "you have a worldview that most people can't even imagine, let alone have." It was in an instant when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't understood by a group, regardless of how I tried to express whatever it was at the time.

A few things that I've said to others in various contexts that has caused this "beyond self" idea to be more understood such as, "I'm overwhelmed by my worldview," and, "I seem to inherently delimit and devalue my own subjectivity."

I recognize regularly my limits as an individual and will sacrifice my subjectivity for the sake of understanding. But I am out of touch with myself in a core way that directly impacts the lack of direction I feel I have in my life.

Even having to use the word "I" makes me uneasy, thinking that I'm reflecting too much ego. I fear exuding hubris. And so also have difficulty in feeling good about myself. I've neglected feeling good and learning to feel good about myself...

And while psychedelics have helped me to see this, I also feel that they were how my ego became so diminished in the first place. So many heavy experiences with ego death and dissociation without a framework to integrate the experiences. Perhaps precipitating a kind of messiah complex...

Such as this deep inner mandate, attached to an idea of Enlightenment that was generated around the age of 16, that runs, "anything I want to do must also serve some greater external good." That's nice and all, but a fallacy. One cannot always serve. We must all walk our own paths. I must foster myself. It's my duty to myself as consciousness in this embodiment. And the idea of Enlightenment, doesn't mean "be miserable all the time." It's okay to feel joy outside of performing service.

Maybe the roots can be found here. And it's interesting; I keep to myself often for a variety of reasons, but a main one is "so others don't have to deal with me..."

This isn't the only factor (because it mustn't be disregarded the role my depression has in this mess), but it's a damn big one. It's why I have a hard time making decisions and directing my life. It's connected to why it's hard to do what I'd like. Many of my positions were taken out of authenticity and thinking that my route may be what's best, or rather, with the information and reasoning I had, appeared to be so. But I am now wondering if I'm too considerate and sacrificing in a lot of ways. It's a good thing I realize this, but it's also scary. I am uncertain as to what to do.

With regard to my skepticism, I admit my unkowing, and have to make a judgement call morally. Since I don't know, it seems best to provide the benefit of the doubt in many regards. That said, while I may not be a people person, I feel and act on the idea that everyone should be shown authentic kindness, compassion, and understanding, and no one is beyond redemption. We all seem to slip up from time to time in an array of ways. But I'm wondering, has this potentially gone too far?

Thank you so much again for allowing me to share. You have my love, appreciation, gratitude, and support.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

This will hopefully be the last bit for a while on this because I am starting to feel forward movement gestating inside me around all of this.

But I keep getting hit with "downloads" that help me heal through this issue and feel it's appropriate to share.

Conditional: If I am someone that is beyond themselves then is that not a wonderful reason to do more of what I want since I put so much of myself out there and on the line for the benefit of others and the world (to the best of my limited ability) anyway?

Does my high sensitivity and connection to a lot of noticed detail lead to a perfectionism and thus prevents forward movement?

Am I not exhibiting some pessimism of self with regard to internal judgements that are repackaged as external hypotheticals (like worrying about justifying my psychedelic use to anyone other than myself)? Am I also not simply perpetuating some of the negative aspects of the way in which I was raised?

I have no reason not to do what I want (especially with regard to psychedelics). I have many reasons to do them, even if depressive thinking inhibits my access at times to said reasons.

I shared in a different thread a "voice" that seems linked to hyperspace that really seems to always be with me. It seems to have had a positive impact in all that's been mentioned above.

That said (and again, I thank you all so much), I am going to pack myself a nice fat bowl of changa and sit and enjoy it, as deep as I would like, for as long as I would like.



One love