I was in a period where I wanted nothing to do with alcohol and those who consumed it. I had to distance myself from friends and family to be at peace.
Little did I know the distance I had to create brought a loneliness that was far more damaging than any amount of alcohol that I could possibly drink.
Sitting in alanon meetings only further ingrained my disdain for alcohol and everyone involved. During that time I thought alcohol was the worst substance on Earth. Shadow working my codependency was no easy feat.
Then came the shocking news that my father that I watched drink himself to death was not my real father. I lost my best friend to alcohol and pills. My step son is one sip away from being a full blown alcoholic. My mom and sister love to wine and dine, so much that my sister has developed gallstones which is only tightening her grip to the bottle. My wife can drink wine like water even after quiting for four years cold turkey. It's everywhere!!
I keep telling myself this is the last time but I can't stop. I love the way the first effects feel not so much the chase one goes through to maintain a buzz. I love the way it synergizes with cannabis. I love connecting with others with drinks.
I was brought into this world through alcohol. Am I to shun my existence? I was taught that adultery is bad, but that is how I was brought into this world. Should I now consider my segue into this world as a disgrace?
Absolutely not!! There are no mistakes including alcohol. I'm done with being too far to one side. I'm aiming somewhere in the middle. It was pretty damned stressful those four years, yeah I did enjoy being sober but not with all the negative connotations that it came with.
Everyone has very valid reasons to feel so strongly but I can't let those project their baggage onto me, I carry enough of my own.
I try not to get caught up in fear mongering with this is your brain, now this is your brain on alcohol, any questions (sizzling egg on a frying pan)? Our brains are very prone to adapting to negative factors with stress being the main one. Beers muscle relaxing properties have proved beneficial in moderation for me, like after a long run of at least 5k. The stored carbs can also be used for high intensity workouts provided you don't drink so much you get hungover.
Set, setting, intentions, and integration have never been more important. As others responses have pointed out.
The pandemic is when the drinking started again and now I can see the loneliness and yearning for connection not just with others but myself is how this all started again. Different strokes for different folks. The stress from loneliness is a killer that I feel is far greater than the damaging effects of alcohol. My intention is to let it go someday as I have already have before.
I really appreciate all the insight from the community, you guys are great and on point no doubt. Rkba I really appreciate your heartfelt response.