What to do?

[hello10121]

stupid question i know, but bear with me, i am still stuck in this rumination and shame loop that has been severe for like 3 years now, and its so unbearable every single day i dont even know how i endured all of that... how i am still alive, but essentially i feel as though i am trapped and suffocated. everyday i am just drowning in shame and this feeling, my chest and stomach hurt so much 24/7. i've been waking up in so much pain and i am just in my head talking to myself and smoking weed everyday, sometimes i get to some altered state where i have this clarity, but afterwards its back the same old thing, nothing changes, its literally been like this every single day, i really hope there might be anyone who is exactly familiar with what is going on with me... im just so lost, i know exactly what to do and everything, again, sorry, and i have no idea why im writing on this forum, but any help or dialogue is appreciated

 

[Nydex]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. You mention shame, but follow it up with consistent chest and abdominal pain. While it's known that sometimes sensations can have a psychosomatic root, pain in these two areas is never a good sign, especially if it has been going on for a while.

As much as I want to offer some meaningful help and get you to feel better, I'm afraid any advice anyone on here might provide will pose a risk to your health simply because nobody knows enough about your body and health markers to determine if the pain you're feeling is indeed psychosomatic, or if it's something physical that you need to get checked with a healthcare professional ASAP.

Have you gone to the relevant doctors regarding this pain? If not, I would strongly recommend you do that as soon as you can. While abdominal pain can be caused by many things, some of whom are relatively benign (i.e. particularly bad cases of gas or indigestion), chest pain is usually a pretty serious sign that something is going on.

Please be reasonable about it and don't expect this forum full of people that are essentially complete strangers from your perspective to help you in such a circumstance. Seek out professional medical help to properly understand what the underlying causes of the physical sensations are, and if they find nothing concerning then we can take the discussion in a more psychologically-produtive direction, hopefully.

 

[hello10121]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. You mention shame, but follow it up with consistent chest and abdominal pain. While it's known that sometimes sensations can have a psychosomatic root, pain in these two areas is never a good sign, especially if it has been going on for a while.

As much as I want to offer some meaningful help and get you to feel better, I'm afraid any advice anyone on here might provide will pose a risk to your health simply because nobody knows enough about your body and health markers to determine if the pain you're feeling is indeed psychosomatic, or if it's something physical that you need to get checked with a healthcare professional ASAP.

Have you gone to the relevant doctors regarding this pain? If not, I would strongly recommend you do that as soon as you can. While abdominal pain can be caused by many things, some of whom are relatively benign (i.e. particularly bad cases of gas or indigestion), chest pain is usually a pretty serious sign that something is going on.

Please be reasonable about it and don't expect this forum full of people that are essentially complete strangers from your perspective to help you in such a circumstance. Seek out professional medical help to properly understand what the underlying causes of the physical sensations are, and if they find nothing concerning then we can take the discussion in a more psychologically-produtive direction, hopefully.

hello, thank you for responding. i should see a relevant doctor, but the problem i guess is that i can't, i can't seem to do anything, and i hope you can understand from my perspective. i feel immense guilt and shame over the fact that i know exactly what i need to do, but i just can't do it. everyday i wake up suffocated and i do whatever to distract myself and try to run away from that feeling, every single moment spent on trying to figure out how to survive this feeling... it's so unbearable and all i want is to happy... for this pain to go away, or for me to have the ability to accept this pain, and to just be free. i have this idealized fantasy in my head of a vision of myself, where i am just completely in my body and the performance is gone, and i have just exist... this performance that i play inside my head is exhausting and its constant. its so exhausting i cant take it anymore, and i couldn't take it for years. Like i was always dissociated my entire life. i am so afraid of human connection, im literally drowning in social isolation, most days i am alone in my room and its so suffocating and i force myself to go outside and i do feel better but it just seems like useless bandaid with no adhesive and it just isn't even that plesant going outside for walks. i could have written all of this last year, or two years ago, literally nothing has changed, except i was at college and actually walking outside and seeing people wasn't too terrible. but i am just smoking weed everyday, i've been smoking for almost a complete year now everyday. i know i need to quit, and i know i need to do a lot of things, but i just cant do it. ive had a relationship with this psychiatrist and she wont give me stimulants, i seem to cling on to these ideas inside of my head, that if i just do that or have that, it would fix everyday, or make the pain go away or i dont know. i know stimulants probably wouldnt fix everything, but i just have this vision that maybe it will and somehow id be able to do the things i need to do. i just have so much shame and it suffocated me. sometimes i cant breathe. i have been doing grounding exercises whenever i can, but this constant feeling that i am somehow doing it all wrong just stays with me. this horrible feeling stays with me. i just want it to go away. i just wanted to be free. i live at my moms house and i am seeing therapy weekly once a week. emdr, it is helping i think, alongside acupuncture, and switching from ssri to snri, i think i do notice a difference from all of it and i think i am in a much much better place than i was 3-4 months ago? but i am still in unbearable pain everyday, and its been like that for as long as i can remember and there is a problem of "getting better" that is, once i get better, i would have to face the enormous grief and that horrible overwhelming feeling that i have touched on occasion, i dont know... i dont know ... sorry for wall of text you dont have to respond it was good for me to just at least type my thoughts out loud or something, i dont know. i feel very ashamed over my thoughts, my feelings, and maybe something else that i dont know or cannot say, it just so suffocating... thank you again i hope to be one with the trees one day, right now i dont really care about trees at all, never did, but i can feel they hate me sometimes, (weed hallucinations) and i also have no idea where to get dmt... so tell me within rights where to get some or what to do thabnks

 

[RitualOpossum]

I dont think the forum can substitute professional help - definitely seek professional help for these problems. It's okay to talk about it but no one here can actually replace professional help

I wonder if low dose ayahuasca (if you don't take meds that conflict with MAOI's) could help you under the right context. It's an avenue to explore. It won't miracle your problems away but it could help treat depression. You may consider looking into medication though, maybe something is out there that can help. it doesn't have to be psychedelic and there are effective non stimulant medications. Do your own research

I would see a doctor about the chest and abdominal pain though.

You should know that these mental health issues aren't something to be ashamed of. It sounds like you may be suffering from depression and maybe struggling with ADHD or something. I'm not diagnosing you but let me just ask: do you have a diagnosis? Definitely important to seek help with a psychiatrist - you might try therapy and try to find a healthy social outlet

Hope you find healing friend

With the dmt you need to do research on it - we definitely cannot help with sourcing dmt just with extracting it or growing it. Look into the extraction teks or consider ayahuasca even. I would recommend ayahuasca more for healing compared to extracted dmt. Psilocybin is very effective at treating depression at least for me and its being studied for this purpose but you should know that you take the risk of psychedelics doing as much harm as good.

Peace and love

 

[Icon]

Sounds relatable. I've always been a bit of an outsider, keep to myself, minimal socializing. Loneliness is hard, depression and anxiety are hard. I also consume cannabis regularly and know I need to stop, along with other things I would like to do but fail. I used to be a big gamer and in retrospect that was my bandaid - I could make progress in a virtual world, with friends that I rarely met IRL, and forget about the real world. After cutting myself off from gaming, hobbies became my go-to distraction and have provided some of my peak motivations. I'm genuinely happy immersing myself in the process of learning a new skill. Cannabis has been a staple throughout; just me and Mary Jane plotting my next project.

The friends I had have grown apart, people have families now and I'm still alone. I ruminate a lot too sometimes, thinking about missed opportunities, mistakes, letting go of hopes and dreams. Especially with the present economy and culture, it's easy to get stuck in a rut.

You probably do need help getting out of the rut, and it sounds like you're more vulnerable about your situation which you'll need to be to accept help. It's a shame you couldn't get a stimulant because I was thinking that might help, it helped me a little. I was prescribed one for ADHD a long time ago and was worried it sort of fried my motivation circuits, so I stopped taking it for a decade. I got back on it a few years ago because I was really feeling stuck. That's the only diagnosis or medication I take though so idk how that might work in your case. Maybe get a professional to look over your medications and see if the side effects from one might be a problem.

Anyway stimulants only help so much, one problem I've noticed is it drives me to write really long posts online that take a lot of my time lol. I should be doing a bunch of chores right now but as soon as I get off work and get high I'm toast and end up putting that focus into less meaningful tasks. There's tasks I've been putting off until the weekend, for the last year, and even if I take an adderall on my day off, it still doesn't get done. It's fascinating lol, and frustrating.

It's not easy for some people like you and I to quit cannabis. I've taken a few breaks this year, longest was ten days. It makes a difference and will make an even bigger difference when I manage to take a substantial break. There's a support group on reddit with ex-users sharing their stories and tips. You can do it!

See if you can get family or a friend to help you with basics for a bit, like cleaning up, organizing, applying for work, eliminating whatever little things are making your situation feel overwhelming.

Also, force yourself to be around other people, like a roommate or workplace or situations that you have to be somewhat presentable and responsible. Otherwise, at least for me, if I know no one's coming to visit or I'm not going to speak to anyone, the motivation to clean up or brush my teeth just isn't there. I was fortunate enough to work for myself, from home, for a year; and got away with being way less responsible. Now I drive for work, which is nice because it's a serious motivator to cease cannabis use, at least for half the day.

DMT might help shock you out of your status quo, but you'll still need to take steps and build a support system to sustain a transformation. It's hard work to integrate a dream.