What to do?

[hello10121]

stupid question i know, but bear with me, i am still stuck in this rumination and shame loop that has been severe for like 3 years now, and its so unbearable every single day i dont even know how i endured all of that... how i am still alive, but essentially i feel as though i am trapped and suffocated. everyday i am just drowning in shame and this feeling, my chest and stomach hurt so much 24/7. i've been waking up in so much pain and i am just in my head talking to myself and smoking weed everyday, sometimes i get to some altered state where i have this clarity, but afterwards its back the same old thing, nothing changes, its literally been like this every single day, i really hope there might be anyone who is exactly familiar with what is going on with me... im just so lost, i know exactly what to do and everything, again, sorry, and i have no idea why im writing on this forum, but any help or dialogue is appreciated

 

[Nydex]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. You mention shame, but follow it up with consistent chest and abdominal pain. While it's known that sometimes sensations can have a psychosomatic root, pain in these two areas is never a good sign, especially if it has been going on for a while.

As much as I want to offer some meaningful help and get you to feel better, I'm afraid any advice anyone on here might provide will pose a risk to your health simply because nobody knows enough about your body and health markers to determine if the pain you're feeling is indeed psychosomatic, or if it's something physical that you need to get checked with a healthcare professional ASAP.

Have you gone to the relevant doctors regarding this pain? If not, I would strongly recommend you do that as soon as you can. While abdominal pain can be caused by many things, some of whom are relatively benign (i.e. particularly bad cases of gas or indigestion), chest pain is usually a pretty serious sign that something is going on.

Please be reasonable about it and don't expect this forum full of people that are essentially complete strangers from your perspective to help you in such a circumstance. Seek out professional medical help to properly understand what the underlying causes of the physical sensations are, and if they find nothing concerning then we can take the discussion in a more psychologically-produtive direction, hopefully.

 

[hello10121]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. You mention shame, but follow it up with consistent chest and abdominal pain. While it's known that sometimes sensations can have a psychosomatic root, pain in these two areas is never a good sign, especially if it has been going on for a while.

As much as I want to offer some meaningful help and get you to feel better, I'm afraid any advice anyone on here might provide will pose a risk to your health simply because nobody knows enough about your body and health markers to determine if the pain you're feeling is indeed psychosomatic, or if it's something physical that you need to get checked with a healthcare professional ASAP.

Have you gone to the relevant doctors regarding this pain? If not, I would strongly recommend you do that as soon as you can. While abdominal pain can be caused by many things, some of whom are relatively benign (i.e. particularly bad cases of gas or indigestion), chest pain is usually a pretty serious sign that something is going on.

Please be reasonable about it and don't expect this forum full of people that are essentially complete strangers from your perspective to help you in such a circumstance. Seek out professional medical help to properly understand what the underlying causes of the physical sensations are, and if they find nothing concerning then we can take the discussion in a more psychologically-produtive direction, hopefully.

hello, thank you for responding. i should see a relevant doctor, but the problem i guess is that i can't, i can't seem to do anything, and i hope you can understand from my perspective. i feel immense guilt and shame over the fact that i know exactly what i need to do, but i just can't do it. everyday i wake up suffocated and i do whatever to distract myself and try to run away from that feeling, every single moment spent on trying to figure out how to survive this feeling... it's so unbearable and all i want is to happy... for this pain to go away, or for me to have the ability to accept this pain, and to just be free. i have this idealized fantasy in my head of a vision of myself, where i am just completely in my body and the performance is gone, and i have just exist... this performance that i play inside my head is exhausting and its constant. its so exhausting i cant take it anymore, and i couldn't take it for years. Like i was always dissociated my entire life. i am so afraid of human connection, im literally drowning in social isolation, most days i am alone in my room and its so suffocating and i force myself to go outside and i do feel better but it just seems like useless bandaid with no adhesive and it just isn't even that plesant going outside for walks. i could have written all of this last year, or two years ago, literally nothing has changed, except i was at college and actually walking outside and seeing people wasn't too terrible. but i am just smoking weed everyday, i've been smoking for almost a complete year now everyday. i know i need to quit, and i know i need to do a lot of things, but i just cant do it. ive had a relationship with this psychiatrist and she wont give me stimulants, i seem to cling on to these ideas inside of my head, that if i just do that or have that, it would fix everyday, or make the pain go away or i dont know. i know stimulants probably wouldnt fix everything, but i just have this vision that maybe it will and somehow id be able to do the things i need to do. i just have so much shame and it suffocated me. sometimes i cant breathe. i have been doing grounding exercises whenever i can, but this constant feeling that i am somehow doing it all wrong just stays with me. this horrible feeling stays with me. i just want it to go away. i just wanted to be free. i live at my moms house and i am seeing therapy weekly once a week. emdr, it is helping i think, alongside acupuncture, and switching from ssri to snri, i think i do notice a difference from all of it and i think i am in a much much better place than i was 3-4 months ago? but i am still in unbearable pain everyday, and its been like that for as long as i can remember and there is a problem of "getting better" that is, once i get better, i would have to face the enormous grief and that horrible overwhelming feeling that i have touched on occasion, i dont know... i dont know ... sorry for wall of text you dont have to respond it was good for me to just at least type my thoughts out loud or something, i dont know. i feel very ashamed over my thoughts, my feelings, and maybe something else that i dont know or cannot say, it just so suffocating... thank you again i hope to be one with the trees one day, right now i dont really care about trees at all, never did, but i can feel they hate me sometimes, (weed hallucinations) and i also have no idea where to get dmt... so tell me within rights where to get some or what to do thabnks

 

[RitualOpossum]

I dont think the forum can substitute professional help - definitely seek professional help for these problems. It's okay to talk about it but no one here can actually replace professional help

I wonder if low dose ayahuasca (if you don't take meds that conflict with MAOI's) could help you under the right context. It's an avenue to explore. It won't miracle your problems away but it could help treat depression. You may consider looking into medication though, maybe something is out there that can help. it doesn't have to be psychedelic and there are effective non stimulant medications. Do your own research

I would see a doctor about the chest and abdominal pain though.

You should know that these mental health issues aren't something to be ashamed of. It sounds like you may be suffering from depression and maybe struggling with ADHD or something. I'm not diagnosing you but let me just ask: do you have a diagnosis? Definitely important to seek help with a psychiatrist - you might try therapy and try to find a healthy social outlet

Hope you find healing friend

With the dmt you need to do research on it - we definitely cannot help with sourcing dmt just with extracting it or growing it. Look into the extraction teks or consider ayahuasca even. I would recommend ayahuasca more for healing compared to extracted dmt. Psilocybin is very effective at treating depression at least for me and its being studied for this purpose but you should know that you take the risk of psychedelics doing as much harm as good.

Peace and love