Who am I

[ntwhtyouknw]

I have a tough time introducing myself.. For the past 8 months of sobriety I have become fairly accustomed to introducing myself as an alcoholic or an addict. I started using drugs at the age of
12, I'm 25 now. I had a rude awakening when I finally discovered that some of the substances I had chosen to experiment with( LSD and psilocybin) were more than recreational party drugs. I started to understand the void I had always felt, and I realized I had been trying to fill it. It was like I was in a constant state of Deja Vu and I always felt the experiences I had with these substances in the world around me. My mom was was killed in a car accident when I was 16 by an intoxicated driver. I lost my passion for the substances that enlightened me and pursued hard drugs that would have me forget my existence. Ive grown a lot since then and by the time I turned 21 I had decided to give the Entheogenic world another run. I started experimenting with the Bufo Alvarius toad venom, straight DMT and San Pedro cactus. Something still was missing, I couldn't seem to kick the hard stuff. I lost my best friend to the disease of alcoholism at that age. I used all the horrible things around me as an excuse to continue abusing myself with alcohol/drugs, never stopping to admit that they were the cause of my suffering. I had a car accident and nearly killed myself and went into chemical dependency center. Ive since been to several more, but it was around new years eve this year, I was experimenting with LSD that I had a moment of clarity. I checked into another treatment center and I have been sober since. I don't think I would have been able to make an attempt as honestly as I have without that experience. I am just now opening up the door to try another experiment with Ayahuasca, mainly because I am very afraid of a relapse with alcohol or opiates, because of my total lack of control with these substances. Today I know my higher power well, I attribute that to a mixture of my entheogenic background, my newfound clarity of mind, and the 12 steps. I have become more and more interested in Zen and Buddhist meditation, and I honestly feel it is time for a spiritual journey with my long since seen ally's. I fear I may honestly need a jolt to my system to remind me why I must abstain from alcohol and hard drugs so hopefully it will not continue to be such a struggle.*-

 

[۩]

Hi Toadfreak1,

Thank you for taking the time to write this in depth introduction essay. It really helps us get to know you better. You don't need to label yourself as anything, you are simply you, and here, you are the Toad Freak :]

I think it is wise you are seeking ayahuasca after all has happened. I can see it helping. Let us know if you have any questions regarding ayahuasca, a lot of us are very experienced with it.

Also, if you find that after much work with ayahuasca, you haven't broken through your fear of relapse, there is Iboga. Have you heard about it? It is being used to treat addicts and help them overcome their addictions. I was once an alcoholic myself. LSD woke me up, and after a bad bike accident whilst drunk, I haven't taken a sip and regard the substance with a passionate conviction. O how I despise what that stuff does to people...

Iboga is serious stuff though and takes much research and medical examinations before you should consider it.
I do however think ayahuasca is the perfect next step in your path.

Welcome to the DMT-Nexus. We are very happy to have you on board, and please, feel free to share anything that is on your mind, or ask us anything.

Peace and Hyperspace +

 

[Pandora]

Hi Toadfreak1,

Welcome to the Nexus. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. Though in many ways we are different (for example, timeline), in many other ways I felt a deep personal and direct resonance with your story (family deaths, followed by lapse into harder drug abuse, then after 20 years off detoxing from the crap and coming back to entheogens).

I am sorry your journey is so darned challenging but I applaud your willingness to face it and do this difficult work. I do believe you can find a place in sobriety where you feel a lot more at ease and in control. It's going to take more time though.

In my opinion, you're on a good path here. Ayahuasca can be a helpful and healing ally. Do not underestimate the value of a good banisteriopsis caapi brew in and of itself - there are a huge number of healing properties to be found here.

Again welcome to the Nexus and best wishes to you in your ongoing journey. Don't hesitate to post any questions and to check the wiki link (upper right hand corner).

 

[ntwhtyouknw]

Thanks for the warm welcome both of ya. It means a lot. I have heard of Iboga, here in the U.S. it seems it won't be a reality for me for some time, with it being restricted, But every dog has It's day as they say. Thanks also for sharing a little about yourselves, I certainly feel right at home.

 

[ragabr]

Welcome to the Nexus, Toadfreak. It sounds like you've found your way to your path, and glad it's brought you here.

Be well.