Who is in recovery here who wants to participate in mutual support?

[Sky Motion]

There was this RC benzo being peddled by some dumbshit at our clinic, called clonazolam. People were blacking out left and right. Super dangerous looking stuff from what I saw. Etizolam is pretty safe in comparison, pretty comparable to regular valium or xanax or whatever. I still stay away, they fuck my life up again and again...

Tony thankfully I'm not in too deep (10mg once per day) but do you have any experience with tapering off benzos? Cold turkey almost killed me and I've been looking into the ashton manual but it seems a little slow. Just curious with your experience with benzos more if you don't mind sharing. Feel free to DM or respond here if you're comfortable with it.

On a side note, Marijuana. Marijuana has always been my truest biggest addiction and still is to this day, a big reason I got hooked on Valium is because marijuana eventually turned on me because I never respected the plant. The highs aren't magical and became ridden with anxiety, after taking 30 pills of Temezapam (a crazy high even for benzos sake) while smoking a lot of marijuana was the month I truly believe I fell into the rabbit hole. Not only did I enjoy the euphoria and sedation, but it also gave me a way to continue smoking marijuana in the future knowing that it made my highs more normal again (no anxiety, munchies, etc.)

I am on a mission to be tapered down significantly on both substances by Jan 1. If anyone has any goals for themselves for December, even if it's just emotional or non narcotic related, please lets connect through PM!

 

[Dirty T]

I took Valium for 6 months when I hurt my back 15 years ago. I tapered off by dropping to 10mg a day then after 3 days 5mg then 3 days 2.5mg then quit. I didn't have serious withdrawals. If you are not alcoholic a glass of wine at night will help immensely. As far as Cannabis goes, well it's non addictive for all intents and purposes as it binds to the cb1 receptor and doesn't produce the chemicals in your brain that lead to addiction but people become psychologically dependent (as some do with LSD, DMT and even mushrooms). Psilocybin can help to repair pathways in the brain damaged by addiction, it helped me stop smoking in February, I still vape but no analogue cigarettes os a huge win for me as I smoked Newports for 3 decades. You could try a macro dose of mush with micro dose between. There are some regimes that have been developed and are effective. My current regimen is 250ug LSD 3.5g Psilocybin Tea and 30mg DMT once monthly then 15mg DMT every third day and it keeps me levelled out very nicely. Not depressed, not manic and I have been dealing with a lot, my kid lost his mind, step kids lying, stealing and using drugs, my favorite support pet and best friend in the universe died and I'm ok. It is part my treatments, part prayer and meditation, part selfless acts of helping others and part deep inward reflection that has kept me cool through all of this.

 

[Tony6Strings]

@SkyMotion, quitting benzos is no fun. You mentioned a taper, this is a good way to go. While reducing your dose and for about a week after stopping completely, try and get some time off so you can stay home in bed. Trust me that's about all you are going to want to do. Some weed and good movies/shows are a lifesaver. One of your biggest enemies will be malaise, you are going to get the blues, hit me up if you need to talk about it.

After you start to feel a little better physically, this is a great time to take a psychedelic with intention.

Very best wishes to you friend. Thanks for reaching out. Love this thread let's keep it going.

 

[justb612]

One thing I have found that helps is educating myself on the matter.

This short clip might kickstart a good educational journey or engagement for some of you (I hope)

https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/rbj0q0/this_is_all_about_meditation_and_observing

 

[null24]

There was this RC benzo being peddled by some dumbshit at our clinic, called clonazolam. People were blacking out left and right. Super dangerous looking stuff from what I saw. Etizolam is pretty safe in comparison, pretty comparable to regular valium or xanax or whatever. I still stay away, they fuck my life up again and again...

Tony thankfully I'm not in too deep (10mg once per day) but do you have any experience with tapering off benzos? Cold turkey almost killed me and I've been looking into the ashton manual but it seems a little slow. Just curious with your experience with benzos more if you don't mind sharing. Feel free to DM or respond here if you're comfortable with it.

On a side note, Marijuana. Marijuana has always been my truest biggest addiction and still is to this day, a big reason I got hooked on Valium is because marijuana eventually turned on me because I never respected the plant. The highs aren't magical and became ridden with anxiety, after taking 30 pills of Temezapam (a crazy high even for benzos sake) while smoking a lot of marijuana was the month I truly believe I fell into the rabbit hole. Not only did I enjoy the euphoria and sedation, but it also gave me a way to continue smoking marijuana in the future knowing that it made my highs more normal again (no anxiety, munchies, etc.)

I am on a mission to be tapered down significantly on both substances by Jan 1. If anyone has any goals for themselves for December, even if it's just emotional or non narcotic related, please lets connect through PM!

Hey skymotion: is getting help from your doctor feasible? Also, setting a date goal with benzos may be setting yourself up. You def want to go slow, like you said, it can kill you. I can relate to your addiction issues with weed, and as a former heroin addict I am a little embarrassed to say so but it is true. It is a powerful plant with incredible versatility, but that versatility and usefulness lends it to be abused easily. It became a go-to esacpe strategy for me for a long time. I think setting a date for where you want to be with its use is entirely feasible.

Good luck on your goals, and yeah maybe I'll hit up yer PM...:thumb_up:

 

[Sky Motion]

Hey skymotion: is getting help from your doctor feasible? Also, setting a date goal with benzos may be setting yourself up. You def want to go slow, like you said, it can kill you. I can relate to your addiction issues with weed, and as a former heroin addict I am a little embarrassed to say so but it is true. It is a powerful plant with incredible versatility, but that versatility and usefulness lends it to be abused easily. It became a go-to esacpe strategy for me for a long time. I think setting a date for where you want to be with its use is entirely feasible.

Good luck on your goals, and yeah maybe I'll hit up yer PM...:thumb_up:

Hey Null, unfortunately no help from doctors, but thankfully I have access to clean prescribed medicine that is unlikely to run out and I do plan on going medically slow; I can't risk the type of withdrawal I had before, it was indescribable but I almost drove to the ER and would have if I didn't "relapse". Wow, it was hell. My teeth and gums ached and burned along with my brain. I am using the ashton manual which is like the bible for proper tapering that is praised by the benzo recovery community I am a part of. I have confidence in myself to do this properly.

Actually since my last post I have brought myself down to ~6-7mg a day and plan on 5mg at the end of this week, a little faster than the manual but I think I can stabilize here with just some minor unpleasantness (well see).

I am balancing my use of marijuana with this to help for the time being but the plan is to get off marijuana after I get off the valium, I've been able do it successfully a few times already even for as long as a year and a half so I'm not too worried, but its like saying goodbye to a friend and a part of your overall identity as well..I'm sure you know that feeling. It has been a thorn in my side for way too long though, total disrespect on my part. Currently I am smoking one hit in the morning, and at night. We'll get to working on that after the more pressing evil drug is gone.

Thanks so much for reaching out and I'm all ears for you in PM so never hesitate to message bro, I mean that!

 

[null24]

Right on. A little background on me: my DOCs used to be a conbo that included benzos, heroin and a medication that potentiates the two of them. I had to have all three. I got locked up and had a 8mg a day xanax habit. And yes, it was terrifying. Got so bad I did not even know I was in jail at one point. Hallucinated so hard that at one point a car had backed into and through the wall of the jail to help us escape. I jumped from my bunk but the car had dissapeared... It was so bad that once when my doc offered me a benzo scrip I refused, telling her that I had kicked opiates over 100 times and prolly would again, but will never, ever, ever risk having to do that with benzos again. They scare the crap out of me now. So yeah man, good luck. I am familiar with the protocol you are using, it does seem very slow, but I do know it works.

 

[Sky Motion]

Right on. A little background on me: my DOCs used to be a conbo that included benzos, heroin and a medication that potentiates the two of them. I had to have all three. I got locked up and had a 8mg a day xanax habit. And yes, it was terrifying. Got so bad I did not even know I was in jail at one point. Hallucinated so hard that at one point a car had backed into and through the wall of the jail to help us escape. I jumped from my bunk but the car had dissapeared... It was so bad that once when my doc offered me a benzo scrip I refused, telling her that I had kicked opiates over 100 times and prolly would again, but will never, ever, ever risk having to do that with benzos again. They scare the crap out of me now. So yeah man, good luck. I am familiar with the protocol you are using, it does seem very slow, but I do know it works.

Sounds like full blown benzo psychosis (the jail thing) I can't imagine getting off 4 bar a day in such a brutal way.. god bless. so yes you know the evil these GABA medications have.. its crazy to me that again you say something that I've heard a million times, that kicking benzos is tougher / worse than opiates.. well fuck me..but they never talk about benzos, no death stories, if only people knew

It will work, ill keep yall posted.

Null, thank you for your sharing

 

[null24]

Yeah man I know. Benzodiazepines are the invisible killer in this drug epidemic thing. Before fentanyl came on scene in a big way I did not know of very many ODs with heroin alone but they were all in combo with benzos. I don’t know why there is such deafening silence around them in relation to addiction. It’s not even a matter of it being pharmaceutical and therefore having false legitimacy. It’s the same with opiates these days and there is a huge black market with fake benzos containing all kinds of potentially lethal combos. I scratch my head over it.

 

[Guardian]

Hello everybody, my name is Guardian. I am a person in long-term recovery that is in dire need of a support person (or people) If there's anyone out there that can help, I would appreciate it deeply. Feel free to shoot me a PM. Thank you Null for making this thread. Love you all.

 

[skoobysnax]

Hello everybody, my name is Guardian. I am a person in long-term recovery that is in dire need of a support person (or people) If there's anyone out there that can help, I would appreciate it deeply. Feel free to shoot me a PM. Thank you Null for making this thread. Love you all.

Working on 14 years, no alcohol or hard drugs. I will just qualify by saying I was a low bottom addict. Polydrug user who was taken to his knees by crack cocaine primarily. When i stopped trying so hard to not use and finally faced how I operate in relationships sex and love and worked recovery in these areas the desire to self destruct finally left me. I have a strong Yoga practice, not just asana but the whole system with Pranayama and meditation. When we dedicate love to the creative power that we are we experience God. Not as some authority off in the sky but within ourselves and everything.

Addiction has taken the lives of so many I love. I lost a former sponsee from my 12 step days not long ago to fentanyl. He was doing great until that old girlfriend came back into his life. The inability to cope with the feelings took his ass out in a week.

I taught him meditation over the phone when he was in prison and he was teaching it to others as his recovery progressed. I was in shock when i his mother called me with the news. I know I am one bad decision away from being him. He could've been me if he had just called instead of picking up the spike. If you are suffering you are not as alone as you feel. It is about the drugs but deeper at the root it is something else completely. The work to dig that root can take many forms but if we want to live we do the work.

 

[Spiralout]

I haven't updated on my situation but I'm going to be attempting to stop taking kratom again very soon. I've been trying to stop off and on for months now. I've gotten my dose low enough that I should be able to get off (at about 5-8grams a day; I've kept up like that for about a week straight give or take at least a couple times) but have always ended up continuing and inevitably upping my dose. I don't have a job and have no form of income so this should help incentivize me/force me to quit, but at the same time I can always come up with a way to make a bit of money to keep using, so I need to want to stop. And once I have a job/income I will always be able to pick back up again, so this is more than just about "stopping this one single time".

On that line of thinking, I think a part of my problem is conceptualizing it as I "need" to stop. This is a perfectionist/idealist way of thinking and I think a lot of the pathology I've had over the last few years is related to this perfectionist "ocd-like" style of thinking which is related to me thinking that I am much more intelligent than I am in all likelihood. Anyways, I'm just babbling now, but I'm putting my thoughts here since it's related to this and I'm trying to figure out how to get better.

I was going to say, instead of thinking that I "need" to stop, or do things perfectly, if I look at it realistically, I don't "need' to do anything. I can do whatever I want, but what I do has consequences. Thinking that I "need" to do something implies that I don't have control or choice over things, which in turn implies a victimhood type view. In reality, if I keep using, my life will, most likely, not be anywhere near as good as I would like it to be. Maybe there's a chance it could still be very good but that seems unlikely. I think a part of my problem is that I don't know what I want, and until I do know what I want, I don't have something to aim for, something to replace the stupidity. Again, though, being honest, I might not know exactly what I want, but I do have a rough estimate of what I don't want and do want, and there are steps I could take right now to start making that happen. If I try to be perfect about it I won't be able to do it most likely though. So I'm going to keep trying to allow myself to make mistakes, not do things perfectly, eat some shitty food here and there, take some shitty drugs here and there, because that's part of what the present democratic majority of my personality enjoys at the moment and I need to appease it, but still remember that I am aiming for something better and I want something better. And I need to remember that wanting something better is also wanting something better for everyone else. Even if I am totally selfish about what I want and what I do, if I am also realistic and tasteful about it, then the things that benefit me the most are the things that also benefit others. Maybe not always, but mostly I think this is true.

Sorry for a longwinded ramble but yeah, I appreciate you folks always listening to my insanity and being there for me over the years. I think we can make the next decade one of the best our species has ever had. How to do that I'm not sure at all, but I think if I do my best then it will help get us there or not bring it in the other direction.

 

[downwardsfromzero]

I think a part of my problem is conceptualizing it as I "need" to stop

This stood out.

If I may offer as way of insight, what I've found is that the psychology of "need" is something that perpetuates absence of the "needed", in your case a kratom-free life. If you can find some way of modifying your cognition about goals such that it becomes focused on manifestation of the positive outcome you will begin to see success, and make the choices that support that pathway.

This is just something that has worked for me (and I hope it even makes sense!) although I am very fortunate in getting support from the right person. I've always hesitated to post in this thread through not seeing myself as someone in recovery, even if I did end up homeless after a late nineties booze, pot and ketamine binge.


Stay strong, be good to you and gentle too.

 

[null24]

Hello everybody, my name is Guardian. I am a person in long-term recovery that is in dire need of a support person (or people) If there's anyone out there that can help, I would appreciate it deeply. Feel free to shoot me a PM. Thank you Null for making this thread. Love you all.

I’m sorry i missed when you posted this. Feel free to reach out with any particulars you want support with. Or just to talk.

 

[Tony6Strings]

My recovery going really well.

Taking high dose mushrooms every 4 to 7 days. Kicking my depression right in it's ass!!! Riding high this morning. I am grateful for Nexus and this thread, thank you for being involved in my recovery today. With an addict to my left and an addict to my right, I may stumble but I will not fall.

If we walk together, little children
We don't ever have to worry
Through this world of trouble
We gotta love one another
Let us take our fellow man by the hand
Try to help him to understand
We can all be together, forever and ever
When we make it to the promised land