Why do we seek approval?

[rjb]

I was wondering about this for a long long time. I have yet to find an answer.

Asking myself this question sincerely makes me see the bright side in things because each time I ask it, makes me realize that we don't actually need this approval, we only have to follow our instinct. What our heart tells us, in other words. I always chose instinct over logic, and this sometimes puzzles a LOT of people, because not every time the 2 coincide. To me, it just makes sense and I can't see another way around it.

If you think about it, by always seeking approval you're just imposing yourself a limit. And that's just silly, IMHO.

Of course sometimes it's best that we seek this approval in order to make the best of a situation, but we're not talking about that now. I'll explain the contrast a little bit: the way we do with science for example, it's in the best interest of everyone that we agree about certain things like gravity or electricity principles because that's the most efficient way to advance. It wouldn't help anyone if you closed yourself in a barn and built the most sophisticated technology ever, but no one other than you got to use it ever, or get to know about it, wouldn't it now?

So, what do you think? Am I just rambling?

 

[Global]

You can see seeking approval as imposing limits, but in a number of scenarios I see it as doing the exact opposite. Seeking approval can force us to push a little harder or strive a little longer to get the best job done. I do understand where you're coming from with the limitations, and so this is obviously not a clear-cut case of it being one way or another.

 

[Vodsel]

The simplest answer is insecurity. Need for love. We seek the approval of people whose opinion we value most.

As childs, it's generally our parents. As teenagers, our friends. As adults, peers we like or admire. But the wider the approval we seek, the biggest our insecurity, the lowest our self esteem - because a strong need for validation means difficulties to feel secure by ourselves.

I accept the need for validation in people I really love. My wife, my daughter. In some cases, it's my desire to make them feel loved, to make them feel good. At that level, approval becomes the confirmation that what we do works and reaches them the way we want.

Beyond that, the need for validation is a burden. And today, particularly exposed by people's behaviour in social networking, it's an obvious epidemic of insecurity.

 

[ntwhtyouknw]

Because were afraid if others really knew us deep down inside they wouldn't like us.

 

[Umantis]

risk assessment. if we can prequalify someone by getting their "approval" of us or our plans, they won't be as likely to cause trouble for us later.

that's my guess anyway - what do you think? i hope you'll agree...

 

[Korey]

One wouldn't need nor seek approval from others if one truly understood and approved of themselves. Just a small thought.

 

[Wave Rider]

The simplest answer is insecurity. Need for love. We seek the approval of people whose opinion we value most.

As childs, it's generally our parents. As teenagers, our friends. As adults, peers we like or admire. But the wider the approval we seek, the biggest our insecurity, the lowest our self esteem - because a strong need for validation means difficulties to feel secure by ourselves.

I accept the need for validation in people I really love. My wife, my daughter. In some cases, it's my desire to make them feel loved, to make them feel good. At that level, approval becomes the confirmation that what we do works and reaches them the way we want.

Beyond that, the need for validation is a burden. And today, particularly exposed by people's behaviour in social networking, it's an obvious epidemic of insecurity.

I resonate with this ^^^ It seems most true.

 

[Walter D. Roy]

It comes from a lack of confidence, confidence in our ability to succeed. We can be the most secure person in my opinion, and still seek this approval. Take a huge business man, he has life set in front of him. Making big money, he is the man he sets out to be. Completely secure with his surrounding and with himself now. But he seeks this approval of something. It is what drives him to success. If he was stranded, then his security would disappear. His security comes from the approval, this is not true confidence. He depends on this approval for success. While confidence in your own success, provides a fuller amount of success. True success. This of course could not be true, just some thoughts

Walter

 

[christian]

It comes from a lack of confidence, confidence in our ability to succeed.

On the surface this may seem true. But if we delve deeper we will realise that we have been educated since birth to believe that it's important to seek approval externally and ultimately be successful. But success really is defined by your cultural beliefs.

Take this even deeper, and if people knew and trusted their inner divinity then they would not be motivated to seek it externally by " being a success, being a winner". We would be wise to realise that those are the tools of corporations to get people to work and make them as rich as possible.

In my opinion seeking approval is a learned behaviour of those that are not well connected to their inner divinity. Corporations love approval seekers because they can easily manipulate such people who mistakingly believe that their self worth is directly proportional to their external actions.

Those that are enlightened only seek to enlighten others, and are not interested in the approval seeking which is really based on lack of true understanding of self and our place in this cosmos.

It wouldn't help anyone if you closed yourself in a barn and built the most sophisticated technology ever, but no one other than you got to use it ever, or get to know about it, wouldn't it now?
So, what do you think? Am I just rambling?

There's different types of approval seeking going on here by the looks of things, rjb.

-First there's the type of person that's doing it because they are not aware of their own divinity and are lacking in self esteem. Sure, they are not only imposing limits, but also putting themselves down unnecessarily.

-Then there's the solo genius who has a great idea. He is confident in his actions and is doing them because he is connected to his intuition. But he needs to share his ideas out to others to see their reaction to validate to himself that his intuition was in fact trustworthy and valid. So he is sort of 50% confident, which leads to 50% approval seeking to validate it was correct, and in the process creates something potentially useful. 8)

I think there's a natural level of approval seeking in all of us. I see it like a transmission of positive energy like one smile leads to another. As long as this is natural and unforced then it is a good thing that is without limits. However when one seeks approval out of fear then one has a problem with oneself.

I also believe that it is "society" that is largely responsible for such approval seeking. I don't think these sort of things were of use when we once lived in the nature. There were far more important things to focus on.
In the past when we lived in nature, we lived directly. We got direct results from our actions and had no option but to face the facts. Today we can live in denial and still survive. Seeking approval of others may be entwined with this.

 

[clouds]

because it feels good.

 

[Unheimlich]

I will just say this: One day, my father asked me "Do you strive to make me proud of you?" I said "I used to, but now I don't. I eventually realized that I would rather strive to make myself proud. I know that if I achieve making myself proud, then whether you are proud of me or not is of little importance." My Father took it to be an insult, which it never was. If others are not proud of what you do, that makes you proud, then they either don't share your understanding or views, or you are really easily pleased. Either way, you'll be fine.

 

[lyserge]

because it feels good.

Maybe there are evolutionary reasons for why approval from the tribe feels good, why disapproval/rejection can feel awful, and why respect is said to be the greatest form of currency. I don't know if any sort of research has been done on this hypothesis, but it's probably the case that knowing intellectually about the evolutionary roots of our need for approval would not alleviate the need for approval. The best that can be done is probably to practice awareness/watching a la Buddha.

Maybe if you're interested in this subject, you will find the work of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky of interest - they showed how we have certain cognitive biases programmed into us: even (or especially) the smartest of people, or statisticians, have certain "flaws" built in that cause us to act irrationally.

 

[christian]

Maybe there are evolutionary reasons for why approval from the tribe feels good, why disapproval/rejection can feel awful.

This is different. Different because tribes are close knit communities where cohesion is very important. Without team work tribal communities would fail.

Society today is fragmented, and everyone is after their piece of the pie, and everyone is at odds with one another. Bring back the good old days, Let's build mud huts together!

The way recources are going we may not have much choice. Concerned about approval?, be concerned about running out of mother earth! :shock:

 

[lyserge]

This is different. Different because tribes are close knit communities where cohesion is very important. Without team work tribal communities would fail.

By "tribal" I don't mean "mud huts"; even the biggest of modern cities act like ecosystems (similar to beaver dams or ant hills but on more advanced and on a massive scale). These technological advances (and population explosion) have occurred so rapidly that we behave psychologically like people of 100,000 or 1,000,000 years ago, when - if you believe the mythology/stories given by the modern scientific establishment - we lived in smaller, hunter-gatherer societies, where survival depended on consistent supply of resources, water, food, etc. In such an environment, the correlation positive affect/feeling good (dopamine or other neurotransmitter release) with approval/respect of others due to successful hunting/gathering, would lead to a survival advantage, so would be "selected" by the evolutionary processes. Long story short, we seek approval as a result of biological functions that evolved during a more "primitive"/less technologically advanced stage of our species, and those functions remain with us and govern our behavior in the modern world, like apes in the concrete jungle.

Even people who are dissidents from the mainstream, such as religious or political sects, "hippies", countercultures, etc., form smaller societies in which they can receive approval and respect, and this seems to be necessary for healthy psychological and physical functioning. Does this make sense?

 

[flouro]

We live in the age of science. Everything that currently is considered true went through peer review. We need to be peer reviewed to fit the current truth to be legit.

Dunno if this makes any sense though...

 

[Doodazzle]

because it feels good.

Maybe there are evolutionary reasons for why approval from the tribe feels good, why disapproval/rejection can feel awful, and why respect is said to be the greatest form of currency. I don't know if any sort of research has been done on this hypothesis, but it's probably the case that knowing intellectually about the evolutionary roots of our need for approval would not alleviate the need for approval. The best that can be done is probably to practice awareness/watching a la Buddha.

Maybe if you're interested in this subject, you will find the work of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky of interest - they showed how we have certain cognitive biases programmed into us: even (or especially) the smartest of people, or statisticians, have certain "flaws" built in that cause us to act irrationally.

I was thinking along these lines. Social animals. If I am accepted by the tribe, that increases my chances of getting some nookie. My dna fears rejection, craves approval.

Everybody seeks approval....I'd like to be one of the cool people who gives away more approval/validation than they seek from others. I'll try.

 

[flouro]

because it feels good.

Maybe there are evolutionary reasons for why approval from the tribe feels good, why disapproval/rejection can feel awful, and why respect is said to be the greatest form of currency. I don't know if any sort of research has been done on this hypothesis, but it's probably the case that knowing intellectually about the evolutionary roots of our need for approval would not alleviate the need for approval. The best that can be done is probably to practice awareness/watching a la Buddha.

Maybe if you're interested in this subject, you will find the work of Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky of interest - they showed how we have certain cognitive biases programmed into us: even (or especially) the smartest of people, or statisticians, have certain "flaws" built in that cause us to act irrationally.

I was thinking along these lines. Social animals. If I am accepted by the tribe, that increases my chances of getting some nookie. My dna fears rejection, craves approval.

Everybody seeks approval....I'd like to be one of the cool people who gives away more approval/validation than they seek from others. I'll try.

Out of interest, what are the things you do every day to fit in?

 

[christian]

Why do we seek approval?

>Ignorance!

 

[benzyme]

Why do we seek approval?

>Ignorance!

is that what you call it? i call it hedonism.
people seek approval for the simple fact that it pleases them.

I wonder what the non-ignorant alternative would be... living like a hermit?

 

[Doodazzle]

Out of interest, what are the things you do every day to fit in?

Man, I stand way out.

Trying to do the hermit thing a bit less...but generally I'll do what I can to be helpful and supportive of others. Again, it's good to give validation, rather than always seeking it. The goal is to be liked without concealing my true nature. I also smile a lot and try and seem non-threatening. You can be an accepted member of a tribe without conforming--freaks can "fit in" too.