Exp. Report 1.3g of Pan Cyan TTBVI - from bliss to horror and all the way back to humility

[Nydex]

As the title suggests, I finally got the cojones to dive deeper with this strain. Up to this point, the most I had done was 600mg via LemonTek, and that was intense and beautiful in its own way. I knew jumping to 1.3g would present me with a challenging intensity. I just wasn't ready for just how challenging it would turn out to be.

The mushrooms were ground up in a granite pestle & mortar and mixed with some ginger juice and immediately consumed. I had some more ginger juice prepared, as well as fresh pieces of ginger to chomp on during the experience if needed. I expected the mushrooms to kick in after at least 40 minutes, but when I started feeling the effects at the 15-minute mark, a slight anxiety started forming up in my chest - a fear that I had bitten more than I could chew. Well, turns out that was a major understatement.

Over the next 2.5hrs the intensity kept ramping up constantly. At first I was tortured only by anxiety, but then nausea decided to tag-team me too, even though I regularly chewed on a bit of ginger in an attempt to offset it. I kept reminding myself that purging is ok and part of the process, and if I feel the need to do it, I will do it.

While in the earlier stages of the experience I could properly focus on the intention I had set for it - to gain further insight into my stuttering condition - as time went on and the intensity kept ramping up, I slowly lost grasp on my ability to focus on that intention, as my focus shifted into survival instead. The journey evolved from a focused healing process to basically holding on for dear life and repeating to myself "you'll be fine, you'll be fine".

In terms of visuals, this strain is in a category of its own. Upon closing my eyes, I was shot through a vast space with ancient temples soaring high on my sides, made out of impossible geometry. Their surfaces were pulsing and shimmering with iridescent waves of colors that I had never seen before. Impossible shapes came into being and dissolved and appeared again in a constant, overwhelming flux of activity that was drowning my senses.

And while that was beautiful to behold, the sheer level of intensity made the whole thing very unpleasant, especially compounded by the increasing nausea. I found myself in familiar territory - the ego was rejecting what was happening because it didn't fit the subconscious narrative it had accepted for this journey. And because of that rejection, negative thought patterns started dominating it - the fact that I didn't like how my body felt at the moment, the nausea, the anxiety, the desire for these unpleasant sensations to be over right now, immediately - something I knew wasn't going to happen.

At one point while I was urinating, a horrific vision flashed in my mind for a split second - liters of blood spilling out of my body and spraying on the walls of my bathroom, for absolutely no reason at all. The vision disappeared, but the paralyzing sense of dread it left behind lingered for a while longer. And as I was walking out of the bathroom I asked myself, out loud, "why are you imagining stupid stuff like this?" I was torn between the idea that I have some serious demons in the closet that I hadn't even suspected the existence of until this moment, or alternatively (and what I hope the actual reason was), that my ego was coming up with ridiculous visions in an attempt to encode in my a resistance to the psychedelic state, since it endangers the ego in ways few other things do.

And now having had 2 days to integrate what happened, I believe the latter way more than the former. It's not the first time someone has had profoundly disturbing visions during a "bad trip" as a result of the ego and its reluctance to surrender itself to obliteration.

I was lying on my couch, being crushed by the incessantly ramping intensity and nausea, and feeling like I was on the verge of passing out. It felt like too much to bear. I asked myself if this state of being is complimentary with doing some deep, conscious shadow work, and the answer was no. I was completely unable to focus on my intentions, and was in pure survival mode. And so, I decided to take 0.5mg of Xanax to tone down the intensity. It did the trick and after ~40 minutes of suffering, it finally kicked in and brought the intensity down to something I could endure without feeling like I'm losing consciousness.

A profound wave of humility washed over me. A lesson learned the difficult way - to never underestimate the potency of TTBVI. It is still staggering to me that just 1.3g of this strain was able to completely dismantle me like this. The only other time in my life I have experienced intensity of this degree was when I took 1250 micrograms of LSD (when, again, I had to take a benzo to rein things back into a semblance of control).

The waves of guilt and shame washed over me as well. I felt like a fraud, as someone that has been beating their chest, proclaiming their psychedelic prowess (even though I objectively haven't done that publicly, but perhaps on a subconscious level...) and then, after being slapped into a submission by a small amount of innocuous-looking mushrooms, crawled back into the comfort zone by relying on an external tool. It made me feel weak, and as if the last decade of working with the medicine hadn't taught me a single useful thing.

I wouldn't go to the extreme of claiming that last part, but what I would definitely admit is that I have a LOT more to learn about how to work with the medicine. I have a lot more humility to earn. TTBVI has earned my respect in a way that will prevent me from underestimating it ever again.

Truly humbled and grateful to be where I am.

Love you all,
Nydex

 

[northape]

Thank you for sharing!
That's my kind of experience and report. Glad you survived

As the title suggests, I finally got the cojones to dive deeper with this strain. Up to this point, the most I had done was 600mg via LemonTek, and that was intense and beautiful in its own way. I knew jumping to 1.3g would present me with a challenging intensity. I just wasn't ready for just how challenging it would turn out to be.

The mushrooms were ground up in a granite pestle & mortar and mixed with some ginger juice and immediately consumed. I had some more ginger juice prepared, as well as fresh pieces of ginger to chomp on during the experience if needed. I expected the mushrooms to kick in after at least 40 minutes, but when I started feeling the effects at the 15-minute mark, a slight anxiety started forming up in my chest - a fear that I had bitten more than I could chew. Well, turns out that was a major understatement.

I'd expect 15-20 minutes actually, given the dose. When you encounter such a fast onset, you're in for a ride

Over the next 2.5hrs the intensity kept ramping up constantly. At first I was tortured only by anxiety, but then nausea decided to tag-team me too, even though I regularly chewed on a bit of ginger in an attempt to offset it. I kept reminding myself that purging is ok and part of the process, and if I feel the need to do it, I will do it.

Most likely, the nausea was from a high dose of tryptamine medicine. The same happens with a strong oral dose of DMT (harmala induced nausea aside).

While in the earlier stages of the experience I could properly focus on the intention I had set for it - to gain further insight into my stuttering condition - as time went on and the intensity kept ramping up, I slowly lost grasp on my ability to focus on that intention, as my focus shifted into survival instead. The journey evolved from a focused healing process to basically holding on for dear life and repeating to myself "you'll be fine, you'll be fine".

I remember good advice about intentions in medicine work: set and forget. Basically, you set a proper intention in the beginning by repeating or writing it down, and then you let the journey unfold. It's easier to let go later on when you start from a place of trust.

Quite a few times, I've heard myself repeating an Orthodox Christian prayer at such intensities: “Lord, have mercy on me”

In terms of visuals, this strain is in a category of its own. Upon closing my eyes, I was shot through a vast space with ancient temples soaring high on my sides, made out of impossible geometry. Their surfaces were pulsing and shimmering with iridescent waves of colors that I had never seen before. Impossible shapes came into being and dissolved and appeared again in a constant, overwhelming flux of activity that was drowning my senses.

And while that was beautiful to behold, the sheer level of intensity made the whole thing very unpleasant, especially compounded by the increasing nausea. I found myself in familiar territory - the ego was rejecting what was happening because it didn't fit the subconscious narrative it had accepted for this journey. And because of that rejection, negative thought patterns started dominating it - the fact that I didn't like how my body felt at the moment, the nausea, the anxiety, the desire for these unpleasant sensations to be over right now, immediately - something I knew wasn't going to happen.

One hell of a lesson in acceptance, I guess. That's why I like singing. It gives a red thread to the whole journey. If nothing else works, come back to singing.
Most likely other anchors work as well, but kirtan-style mantra singing is definitely my choice.

At one point while I was urinating, a horrific vision flashed in my mind for a split second - liters of blood spilling out of my body and spraying on the walls of my bathroom, for absolutely no reason at all. The vision disappeared, but the paralyzing sense of dread it left behind lingered for a while longer. And as I was walking out of the bathroom I asked myself, out loud, "why are you imagining stupid stuff like this?" I was torn between the idea that I have some serious demons in the closet that I hadn't even suspected the existence of until this moment, or alternatively (and what I hope the actual reason was), that my ego was coming up with ridiculous visions in an attempt to encode in my a resistance to the psychedelic state, since it endangers the ego in ways few other things do.

And now having had 2 days to integrate what happened, I believe the latter way more than the former. It's not the first time someone has had profoundly disturbing visions during a "bad trip" as a result of the ego and its reluctance to surrender itself to obliteration.

I consider all dark visions as karma burning and don't think much about them. It just means that you are lighter and cleaner today than before the experience.

I was lying on my couch, being crushed by the incessantly ramping intensity and nausea, and feeling like I was on the verge of passing out. It felt like too much to bear. I asked myself if this state of being is complimentary with doing some deep, conscious shadow work, and the answer was no. I was completely unable to focus on my intentions, and was in pure survival mode. And so, I decided to take 0.5mg of Xanax to tone down the intensity. It did the trick and after ~40 minutes of suffering, it finally kicked in and brought the intensity down to something I could endure without feeling like I'm losing consciousness.

A profound wave of humility washed over me. A lesson learned the difficult way - to never underestimate the potency of TTBVI. It is still staggering to me that just 1.3g of this strain was able to completely dismantle me like this. The only other time in my life I have experienced intensity of this degree was when I took 1250 micrograms of LSD (when, again, I had to take a benzo to rein things back into a semblance of control).

The waves of guilt and shame washed over me as well. I felt like a fraud, as someone that has been beating their chest, proclaiming their psychedelic prowess (even though I objectively haven't done that publicly, but perhaps on a subconscious level...) and then, after being slapped into a submission by a small amount of innocuous-looking mushrooms, crawled back into the comfort zone by relying on an external tool. It made me feel weak, and as if the last decade of working with the medicine hadn't taught me a single useful thing.

Yeah, a potent mushroom journey would bring most people to their knees. It's always a lesson in humility somehow. You sound quite sane considering what you went through. I can only say, good job! Take it all as a lesson, and may it be for the best

I wouldn't go to the extreme of claiming that last part, but what I would definitely admit is that I have a LOT more to learn about how to work with the medicine. I have a lot more humility to earn. TTBVI has earned my respect in a way that will prevent me from underestimating it ever again.

Truly humbled and grateful to be where I am.

That's what I call medicine. Astral travel, entities, and kundalini rising are all good, but an old-school white-knuckle ride to hell and back usually produces real character development and maturation. You just need to give yourself time and integrate it well. Never forget that you could just as easily have gone to the other extreme: Heaven.
Still, it's all the same in the end. Every trip ends, and we come down. How much of it benefits our sober reality is where the true gem of it all lies.

Love you all,
Nydex

Edit: I like the intent of my message, but the presentation doesn't feel right somehow, so I decided to add a few things:

I've been there and know how difficult it can be afterward. Sometimes even weeks aren't enough to fully ground and feel like yourself again. My own experience shows that it's all for the best, even if it doesn't feel like it during the process. Try to take care of yourself, ground in everyday mundane reality, reflect, exercise, socialize, treat yourself to a good meal, and go out into Nature. You know the drill. Stay humble and build a healthier relationship with yourself and the world. Mushrooms are like that, especially if you're into apprenticing [dieting or seriously working] with them. It's a kind of an initiation and a cleanse at the same time. Caapi / Rue usually give a physical purge, and mushrooms give a mental one. Basically, all is well. It just means that you're accepted into the mandala [inner circle]. The next step is up to you when you're ready.

Now it feels like a complete response
Much Love

 

[Nydex]

I remember good advice about intentions in medicine work: set and forget. Basically, you set a proper intention in the beginning by repeating or writing it down, and then you let the journey unfold. It's easier to let go later on when you start from a place of trust.

Sound advice, but I suppose it would take a fair bit of practice to get the hang of. It's hard for me to "forget" my intention, when that intention is something I've wanted for basically as long as I can remember. It's about something that is an integral part of who I am and how I'm perceived IRL, and as such, I can't make myself forget about it. Granted, when this experience started getting more intense than I found comfortable, I somewhat "forgot" about my intention as my focus had shifted entirely elsewhere.

Yeah, a potent mushroom journey would bring most people to their knees. It's always a lesson in humility somehow. You sound quite sane considering what you went through. I can only say, good job! Take it all as a lesson, and may it be for the best

Oh yeah definitely a good lesson in humility. I feel completely sane of course, just a bit shaken up, which is completely expected.

That's what I call medicine. Astral travel, entities, and kundalini rising are all good, but an old-school white-knuckle ride to hell and back usually produces real character development and maturation. You just need to give yourself time and integrate it well.

100% agree. As someone said a long time ago:

<Ringworm>hehehe, it's all fun and games till someone loses an "I"

Edit: I like the intent of my message, but the presentation doesn't feel right somehow, so I decided to add a few things:

I've been there and know how difficult it can be afterward. Sometimes even weeks aren't enough to fully ground and feel like yourself again. My own experience shows that it's all for the best, even if it doesn't feel like it during the process. Try to take care of yourself, ground in everyday mundane reality, reflect, exercise, socialize, treat yourself to a good meal, and go out into Nature. You know the drill. Stay humble and build a healthier relationship with yourself and the world. Mushrooms are like that, especially if you're into apprenticing [dieting or seriously working] with them. It's a kind of an initiation and a cleanse at the same time. Caapi / Rue usually give a physical purge, and mushrooms give a mental one. Basically, all is well. It just means that you're accepted into the mandala [inner circle]. The next step is up to you when you're ready.

Didn't feel wrong to me at all. I get what you mean, and I appreciate you reading and taking the time to respond. I'm grateful for you being here again.

I suppose part of my integration will have to happen while I'm traveling to and through the Netherlands, so that'll be fun.

All part of the process.

 

[doubledog]

Thank you for sharing
Your report reminds me strongly of my psilohuasca experiences and it also answer my questions whether pans are more mellow that other shrooms - clearly not.
I should definitely grow them.

Btw. the bloody visions (often also sexually pervert and extremely disgusting) are always part of the experience for me. Imo it's some specific layer of consciousness and it does not say anything particular about me (or you). Just observe it without identifying with your emotional reaction is my advice.

 

[Nydex]

Your report reminds me strongly of my psilohuasca experiences and it also answer my questions whether pans are more mellow that other shrooms - clearly not.
I should definitely grow them.

I suppose it depends on how you define the concept of "mellow" mushrooms. If we're talking about intensity, I doubt any other strain can reach those levels, which is perhaps further corroborated by how many psilocybin cups this strain has won (at least 7). But yes, you should definitely grow them. Very worth it.

Btw. the bloody visions (often also sexually pervert and extremely disgusting) are always part of the experience for me. Imo it's some specific layer of consciousness and it does not say anything particular about me (or you). Just observe it without identifying with your emotional reaction is my advice.

Interesting. I wonder why it surfaces exactly - is it some bizarre, subconscious fascination with the morbid and obscene? Is it some manifestation of suppressed emotions?

Observing it without attaching strings might prove a challenge for me, though I imagine that I'll be a bit better equipped for my future encounters with these visions, should they return at any point again. It's just that this time they occurred during a point in my experience that was very dark and heavy, making it completely impossible for me to detach myself from them instantly.

Thank you for reading

 

[doubledog]

Observing it without attaching strings might prove a challenge for me, though I imagine that I'll be a bit better equipped for my future encounters with these visions, should they return at any point again. It's just that this time they occurred during a point in my experience that was very dark and heavy, making it completely impossible for me to detach myself from them instantly.

Imo it's just enough to be prepared next time.
I learned about them firstly in famous Leary's psychedelic guide book based on Tibetan book of Dead from 60'.

 

[northape]

Sound advice, but I suppose it would take a fair bit of practice to get the hang of. It's hard for me to "forget" my intention, when that intention is something I've wanted for basically as long as I can remember. It's about something that is an integral part of who I am and how I'm perceived IRL, and as such, I can't make myself forget about it. Granted, when this experience started getting more intense than I found comfortable, I somewhat "forgot" about my intention as my focus had shifted entirely elsewhere.

I should have written set and forget. Forget in the sense of not worrying about it and just letting the experience play out. It's actually quite difficult to completely forget your intention, but if that happens, so be it. When you ask someone to do something, one time is usually enough. I feel the same applies to mushrooms. Your intention sits in your mind anyway, and mushrooms will work with it regardless. Setting an intention is simply directing your willpower & attention toward it. Hope that makes more sense now.

Btw. the bloody visions (often also sexually pervert and extremely disgusting) are always part of the experience for me. Imo it's some specific layer of consciousness and it does not say anything particular about me (or you). Just observe it without identifying with your emotional reaction is my advice.

I had dark visions as part of my journeys for years. I feel they are just representations of certain energies. When you balance them and lose interest, they kind of disappear.

 

[northape]

I learned about them firstly in famous Leary's psychedelic guide book based on Tibetan book of Dead from 60'.

Yes! I love Vajrayana depictions of deities. Tantra works closely with our everyday experiences and energies. All these scary gods and goddesses are a part of us, and it is better to know what's inside. However, because we are from a different culture, we'll most likely see angels and demons instead. This is something to remember when the time to leave this life comes.

to gain further insight into my stuttering condition

Sorry, I forgot to cover it.
I've had trouble pronouncing the "r" sound for most of my life. Even after I immigrated, people tried to send me to a speech therapist. They had no idea how much time I had already spent working on it by that point with no results, hehe. What actually helped me was singing mantras during medicine journeys. My main one was "sri ram jai ram jai jai ram," and that was the first time in my life that I heard a proper "r" sound come out of my mouth. Right then and there, it became apparent that the problem is mental and can be addressed. I still struggle with it, but my shame has disappeared. Sounds are tightly bound to our energy and how it functions. My proficiency differs depending on the day and how emotionally stable I am. I don't know how much this helps, but I felt like it was relevant.

 

[Nydex]

Sorry, I forgot to cover it.
I've had trouble pronouncing the "r" sound for most of my life. Even after I immigrated, people tried to send me to a speech therapist. They had no idea how much time I had already spent working on it by that point with no results, hehe. What actually helped me was singing mantras during medicine journeys. My main one was "sri ram jai ram jai jai ram," and that was the first time in my life that I heard a proper "r" sound come out of my mouth. Right then and there, it became apparent that the problem is mental and can be addressed. I still struggle with it, but my shame has disappeared. Sounds are tightly bound to our energy and how it functions. My proficiency differs depending on the day and how emotionally stable I am. I don't know how much this helps, but I felt like it was relevant.

Yeah I'm about 99.9% certain that my stuttering is caused by psychosomatic phenomena rather than physiological ones. What attests to this is the fact that I never stutter when I talk to myself or an inanimate object. But the moment I know someone will hear what I say (regardless when), the stutter shows up. Over the past ~30 years it has made my life various degrees more unbearable, and it definitely fluctuates and depends on my overall emotional state and level of agitation.

I have a long road to walk ahead of me, but no matter how difficult it is, and how dark a places it might lead me through, I know that ultimately it's for my own good, and is the stepping stones to my greater self. So I shall walk on.

 

[northape]

You'll get there. Just never give up, and I feel that you won't. Pans should be a great help on the way

Spoiler: Lyrics

Om Namaś Chaṇḍikāyai
Om, I bow to the Goddess Chaṇḍikā
Jayanti Maṅgalā Kālī Bhadrakālī Kapālinī
Durgā Kṣamā Śivā Dhātrī Svāhā Svadhā namo’stu te

She Who Conquers Over All. All-Auspicious, the remover of Darkness, the Excellent One Beyond Time, the bearer of the Skulls of Impure thought the reliever of difficulties, loving forgiveness, supporter of the Universe, you are the One who truly receives the offerings made to the Gods and the Ancestors. I bow to you.

Jaya tvaṁ Devi chāmuṇḍe jaya bhūtārti-hāriṇi
Jaya sarvagate Devi kāla-rātrī namo’stu te

Victory to you, Oh Goddess. You are the Supreme Conqueror and the slayer of passion and anger! You relieve the troubles of all existence! Oh Goddess who pervades everything. You are the One who destroys all darkness and negativity and always does good for us. I bow to you.

Madhu-Kaiṭabha-vidrāvi vidhātṛ varade namaḥ
To you who defeated the negative qualities (demons) of “Too Little” and “Too Much”, Giver of the blessings of the creativity, I bow to you.
Rūpaṃ dehi jayaṃ dehi yaśo dehi dviṣo jahi*
Grant us your form (Liberation), Grant us victory, Grant us welfare, remove all hostility (negativity).
* this phrase repeats throughout the prayer

Mahiṣāsura-nirṇāśi bhaktānāṁ sukhade namaḥ
To you who caused the destruction of the Demon of “Great Ego”, Giver of happiness to devotees. I bow to you.

Śumbhasyaiva niśumbhasya Dhūmrākṣasya ca mardini
Slayer of the Demons Shumbha (self-conceit), Nishumbha (self-deprecation) and Dhumalocana (ignorance).

Natebhyaḥ sarvadā bhaktya Caṇḍike duritāpahe
O Chandike! For those who bow to you with devotion, you remove all distress
Dehi saubhāgyam-ārogyaṃ dehi me paramaṃ sukham
Grant good fortune, freedom from disease, grant us supreme happiness

Vidhehi Devi kalyāṇaṁ vidhehi paramāṃ śriyaṃ
Oh Goddess, grant us liberation and supreme prosperity

Himācala-sutā-nāthasaṁstute Parameśvari
Oh Supreme Goddess, the Lord of the Daughter of the Himalayas (Shiva) always sings your praise

Indrāni-pati-sadbhāvapūjite Parameśvari
You who are worshipped by the husband of Indrani (Indra) with devotion

Devi pracaṇḍa-dordaṇḍadaitya-darpa-vināśini
With your great staff you have destroyed the demons of egotism and thought

Patnīṁ manoramāṁ dehi manovṛttā-nusāriṇīm
Tārinīṁ durga-saṁsāra Sāgarasya kulodhbhavām
Oh Goddess, grant me a wife who will lead the family across this terrible ocean of life and death

I wanna know what Love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what Love is
I know (that) you can show me

The Argala Stotram is a prayer to the Goddess Durga by the Rishi Markandeya. It is usually chanted before the complete Durga Saptasati (or Devi Mahatmayam-Greatness of the Goddess). The Devotees are praising the Mother and asking her to bless us with “roopam” which means “form” essentially asking the Goddess to give us Herself as well as prosperity, fame and victory. As usual with all these types of prayers, they can be interpreted in the microcosm (Inner reality) or macrocosm, (outside world.) When I was younger I always looked down at asking the Divine for outer things. But as I grow older I see that it is important to have a healthy inner AND outer life. When I lived in India and didn’t have more than some books and an ektara to my name secretly felt somehow superior to people who were engrossed in and, I thought, “lost” in the world. Now I see how immature I was. In those days I was waiting for the moment to come when “BOOM”, Maharaj-ji would ZAP me and I would go to God knows where! Maybe some other planet! But now that I am still here on earth I realize the importance of having the things you need to live a good life and be a good human being… one who cares for others and can share ones life and path with others. As Maharaj-ji said, “You can’t talk to a hungry person about God. Feed them first.”So one isn’t really asking the Goddess for worldly “stuff”. It is Her nature to give and provide for us…we are just recognizing the graciousness and merciful nature of her Being.