shadow
Rising Star
Here I would like to modestly say why bad trips sometimes can have a very meaningful and powerful psychotherapeutic effect and why it is always important to treat psychedelics with a big dose of respect and understanding.
This trip report is quite different from the standard ones. There were no conversations with god, no profound philosophical insights, no union with the universe, and no dissolution of ego. There was mostly me and my problems.
Basic information:
Substance: 4-aco dmt
Dose: 55 mg
Setting: my home
Method: Stanislav Grof’s inspired psychedelic session with eyeshades and headphones, where music was carefully and deliberately chosen before.
Sitter: my best friend, a very intelligent and wise woman.
After few weeks of putting back this trip, cause either me or my friend had some sudden important matters to take care off, finally we met on Thursday in the morning. Unfortunately the previous 3 days I slept like 3-4 hours per night, so I was feeling quite tired. I also ate a small breakfast, which probably contributed even more to my lack of energy.
I prepared for myself some green tea to boost my energy for the time being. Then I mixed 4-aco with water and quickly drank it. Drinking tea removed the bitter, medicine-like, taste of the psychedelic. Ten minutes later I was lying in my bed with my eyes covered and headphones on my ears. I was anticipating to experience something similar to my past two psychedelic sessions with the same setting and dose, but of course with a different playlist. Ecstasy, pure bliss, an emotional rollercoaster, great cosmic and mythological insights and beautiful visions. How wrong I was.
The substance was slowly activating in my body and I could feel the first effects. I always start that kind of trip with a very subtle, slow and calm music, which with time gets more intense and exciting and at the peak moment ( after around 1.5 hour ) it becomes really dramatic. Prolonged, ambient sounds of violins were gently tickling my ears. It was though as angels gathered around me and were slowly blowing wind on my face. The feelings were somewhat familiar, like those of the past sessions. Or perhaps, because of the lack of any other reference, this is what I felt. So far everything seemed to be going in proper direction except for one thing. Somehow there was something missing, like I couldn’t feel the full potential of the experience, because my consciousness was half-asleep and tired.
After 40-50 minutes visions started to appear, over time becoming more vivid. They were unreal and dreamlike, but since it was really a background, I didn’t remember them. Except for the colors, I remember a beautiful green, perhaps it was a cosmic garden situated on a flat ground floating somewhere in the distant alleys of outer space. As during previous times, I started emitting sounds of child-like excitement and delight. Yann Tiersen began to hit his piano keys and I was captivated by melancholic bliss.
This lasted for some time and I know that there were also other intense emotions, although it was still far away from ecstatic screams of pure awesomeness. I was yet waiting to be launched in my capsule to the core of existence, the source of all being and non-being. Unfortunately the trip, for the first time in my life, started to become unbearable. I lost all my energy. I was both physically and psychologically overwhelmed and when Mozart began his overture – just before reaching the peak moment - I took off my headphones. Sorry Amadeus, no rocking me this time.
So already 90 minutes were behind me and since then I was lying down on my bed, feeling like I just caught some awful flu and my mind was wandering mostly along negative thoughts. I was in a very depressive mood and was sure it will stay like this – together with being sick – for the next several days at least. Many complexes reached the surface of my psyche and they seeded a transitory sense of utter hopelessness mixed with a pinch of nothingness. Even the prospect of death was a guest in my mind. But not that kind of philosophical death to ponder about. Just plain, simple cessation of existence. Here I was, here I wasn’t.
Thank God my closest, dearest friend was with me. We had a very honest conversation and she was guiding the psychotherapeutic process towards good direction. I got many things off my chest, mostly on personal and interpersonal levels. I also was eating grapes which perhaps somewhat contributed to my slowly changing mood. Just one hour later I was full of energy jumping around in my room and saying stories from the past several days. I was calling friends with whom I had some misunderstanding which - at this moment - I really wanted to resolve ( and later did, at least to some degree ). I was still experiencing mild mood swings, but I was back. I looked few times at my bed in which a while ago I was dying from suffering and laughed at the total weirdness and paradox of life.
To conclude, there are two things I would like to point out. First, which probably is common sense, but some people can underestimate its real implication, is that being fully rested is of critical importance for such intense trips. Otherwise one can become overwhelmed physically by the weight of some emotions, repressed or not. Second, bad trips are probably as required for growth as good ones. During these tough moments having a trusted sitter which can assist us in the healing process can be very helpful. Preferably she/he should be of the opposite sex, so we could confront and unite with our anima/animus more easily. To quote Joseph Campbell “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.
This trip report is quite different from the standard ones. There were no conversations with god, no profound philosophical insights, no union with the universe, and no dissolution of ego. There was mostly me and my problems.
Basic information:
Substance: 4-aco dmt
Dose: 55 mg
Setting: my home
Method: Stanislav Grof’s inspired psychedelic session with eyeshades and headphones, where music was carefully and deliberately chosen before.
Sitter: my best friend, a very intelligent and wise woman.
After few weeks of putting back this trip, cause either me or my friend had some sudden important matters to take care off, finally we met on Thursday in the morning. Unfortunately the previous 3 days I slept like 3-4 hours per night, so I was feeling quite tired. I also ate a small breakfast, which probably contributed even more to my lack of energy.
I prepared for myself some green tea to boost my energy for the time being. Then I mixed 4-aco with water and quickly drank it. Drinking tea removed the bitter, medicine-like, taste of the psychedelic. Ten minutes later I was lying in my bed with my eyes covered and headphones on my ears. I was anticipating to experience something similar to my past two psychedelic sessions with the same setting and dose, but of course with a different playlist. Ecstasy, pure bliss, an emotional rollercoaster, great cosmic and mythological insights and beautiful visions. How wrong I was.
The substance was slowly activating in my body and I could feel the first effects. I always start that kind of trip with a very subtle, slow and calm music, which with time gets more intense and exciting and at the peak moment ( after around 1.5 hour ) it becomes really dramatic. Prolonged, ambient sounds of violins were gently tickling my ears. It was though as angels gathered around me and were slowly blowing wind on my face. The feelings were somewhat familiar, like those of the past sessions. Or perhaps, because of the lack of any other reference, this is what I felt. So far everything seemed to be going in proper direction except for one thing. Somehow there was something missing, like I couldn’t feel the full potential of the experience, because my consciousness was half-asleep and tired.
After 40-50 minutes visions started to appear, over time becoming more vivid. They were unreal and dreamlike, but since it was really a background, I didn’t remember them. Except for the colors, I remember a beautiful green, perhaps it was a cosmic garden situated on a flat ground floating somewhere in the distant alleys of outer space. As during previous times, I started emitting sounds of child-like excitement and delight. Yann Tiersen began to hit his piano keys and I was captivated by melancholic bliss.
This lasted for some time and I know that there were also other intense emotions, although it was still far away from ecstatic screams of pure awesomeness. I was yet waiting to be launched in my capsule to the core of existence, the source of all being and non-being. Unfortunately the trip, for the first time in my life, started to become unbearable. I lost all my energy. I was both physically and psychologically overwhelmed and when Mozart began his overture – just before reaching the peak moment - I took off my headphones. Sorry Amadeus, no rocking me this time.
So already 90 minutes were behind me and since then I was lying down on my bed, feeling like I just caught some awful flu and my mind was wandering mostly along negative thoughts. I was in a very depressive mood and was sure it will stay like this – together with being sick – for the next several days at least. Many complexes reached the surface of my psyche and they seeded a transitory sense of utter hopelessness mixed with a pinch of nothingness. Even the prospect of death was a guest in my mind. But not that kind of philosophical death to ponder about. Just plain, simple cessation of existence. Here I was, here I wasn’t.
Thank God my closest, dearest friend was with me. We had a very honest conversation and she was guiding the psychotherapeutic process towards good direction. I got many things off my chest, mostly on personal and interpersonal levels. I also was eating grapes which perhaps somewhat contributed to my slowly changing mood. Just one hour later I was full of energy jumping around in my room and saying stories from the past several days. I was calling friends with whom I had some misunderstanding which - at this moment - I really wanted to resolve ( and later did, at least to some degree ). I was still experiencing mild mood swings, but I was back. I looked few times at my bed in which a while ago I was dying from suffering and laughed at the total weirdness and paradox of life.
To conclude, there are two things I would like to point out. First, which probably is common sense, but some people can underestimate its real implication, is that being fully rested is of critical importance for such intense trips. Otherwise one can become overwhelmed physically by the weight of some emotions, repressed or not. Second, bad trips are probably as required for growth as good ones. During these tough moments having a trusted sitter which can assist us in the healing process can be very helpful. Preferably she/he should be of the opposite sex, so we could confront and unite with our anima/animus more easily. To quote Joseph Campbell “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.
