a liitle push is needed

[iownme]

its been a while since i last flew, a couple months maybe.
it wasnt so much a bad trip but it was unnerving enough to put me on hold.
every day i think "today might be the day to try again"
but the same pattern emerges. i really want to but something is stopping me and i think its fear based.
what i want is quite simple, can you tell me about the first flight you took as a newbie after your first scary flight happened?.
i graduated from 5mg to 35mg stepping up 5mg at a time.
5-15 barely did anything.
20-25 gave amazing eye closed visuals.
30 was almost a breakthru
35 i was a breakthru where i split into pixels and likely experienced "death?"

if that was death, then it was awesome, very calm and collected, quite digital!.
my last recollection coming back was "i dont wanna do that again"... BUT I DO

i think when i do try again i need to start again at a low dose of around 15mg.

my remembrance of the visuals are waning and i want to remember again.
i can go deeper here if need be but for now i hope a few of you can supply what ive asked for.

edit: i should add ive been in a bit of a funk since then as this was my first proof that reality is not so real, which i had always suspected

 

[TransistorBass]

My first NN DMT experience was approx 5mg in a glass pipe, it was the shock of total loss of control that kicked the fear in for me.
Since those first, second and third hits I literally dialled everything back because the mental build-up to a session was causing me to not go there or make excuses to myself, yet all the time you reallise it was a place of love, beauty and gratitude and you want to go back there.

I got into understanding electric vapes, made my own DMT juice, and it's taken me 5 months of practice to get back to the same experience levels but I've got there in a vastly less fearful way, apprehension not really fear.
Now I feel ready and equipt to move further down my path into that squid-like-fractal-beauty. I'd even feel more confident moving back to the Glass Pipe now, though i don't see the need when you can introduce some Harmalas and smooth and extend the experience. I'm sure I'll do a Harmalas and Glass pipe hit/session as an experiment. as the glass pipe is pretty efficient at getting it all in there.

 

[iownme]

i think apprehension is also a better description for me than fear.
i also feel im making excuses to myself to "wait for the right time" which seems quite silly lol

 

[TransistorBass]

I think waiting for the right time is a good thing too, though very occasionally the right time is a low dose after work when I do Yoga like splitting the amount you'd have in 1-hit to span an hour for more meditative use. *This has been a massive fear/apprehension reducer for me and has helped normalise use to almost the mundane.

Life and family things can get in the way physically or mentally and sessions around these stressors are probably best avoided or delayed until a time that things feel more calm.

 

[Pandora]

After I successfully succeeded in my extraction I tried 10 mgs and was truly astonished.

The room was transformed and was like I had taken the heaviest dose of LSD ever and peaked.

I looked at an adorable drawing that a nephew under age 7 made for me of a kitty cat. It was a stick figure. It is almost like when I looked at it I caught its' attention and its' head turned to me and it smiled and then its' head turned back straight and it literally started walking on the page.

I knew at that moment that the spice was going to become a big part of my existence for the rest of my life.

Regarding the fear and potential rough rides with DMT. This is the real deal. The spice taught me more about fear than anything in this life. The more I thought about it the more I came to the conclusion that the root of the fear was simply the unknown.

My first kind of rough ride was a massive overdose. I had a very long blackout probably in the 15 to 20 minutes range. I "woke up" into ego death. And it was beautiful. Entities were dancing, heavenly vistas were opening in the background. . . then I came down more. . .and the INSTANT I realized it was a DMT trip the entities turned on me. They were mean and angry, the background vistas started collapsing and I was told to NEVER return until I was truly dead. Then an entity handed me a horrific/phobia triggering "gift" - a hula hoop full of insects. My eyes opened and I could feel bugs all over my body.

That was my first rather rough ride and I had other ones that were a lot worse. . .

So there are different ways to deal with it. The best is a strong practice of letting go and surrender. Try to just let things happen without controlling or judging.

Another option is to try a lower dose.

And finally, I believe it's important to really wait until the time is right and the call is strong. Make sure you are fully integrated. Even if it takes months or years.