blig-blug's Ayahuasca experience log

[blig-blug]

XXVIII log update:

Dose:
T-24:00 -> Ayahuasca. Equivalent to 20g B. muricata and 4g D. cabrerana.
T-12:00 -> Ayahuasca. Equivalent to 10g B. muricata and 2g D. cabrearana.
T+00:00 -> Ayahuasca. Equivalent to 20g B. muricata and 4g D. cabrerana.
T+04:00 -> Ayahuasca. Equivalent to 20g B. muricata and 4g D. cabrerana.

Fasted the previous day, ate a light meal at about T-06:00.

This one comes almost two weeks too late: I had to travel the day after it and ended up forgetting to update the log. So it won't be too detailed.

I decided to try a different approach: taking a very light dose the day before in order to prepare my stomach (and partially my mind), and ended up taking an even lighter one during the morning of the day.

The first dose at T-24:00 was supposed to be low enough so that the chali didn't have much of an effect (if they hadn't been brewed together, I would have had only caapi). To my surprise, at about T-22:00 I had to go lie down for a while, as I got a very sudden onset of dizziness followed by visuals. The visuals weren't intense and were bluish in color, I remember seeing money, a passport, and a lot of unreadable text scrolling by. It lasted a short time, about 15 minutes.

In the morning of the next day I decided to have an even lower dose in order to make it mentally easier to have the actual dose later during the day. It did have a faint visual effect at some points, e.g. patterning in the bathroom floor. This was however very light, it was a dose that I think could be taken regularly without impairing daily function (probably as long as one doesn't have to drive). I may experiment more with this in the future.

My plan for the afternoon was to have a 20:4 dose at T+00:00, and later a 40:8 dose. But the dose at T+00:00 proved to be quite strong! Probably due to a good amount of caapi harmalas being already in my system.

Usually, chali has not been very visual for me. This time however it felt almost like pharmahuasca: I heard the typical DMT ringing (in my case it's usually similar to a sine wave at 400Hz, with a binaural effect to it) and very colorful geometric visuals started appearing. Even with my eyes open, I got patterns and saw beings moving around if I stared at a surface. However I was feeling much "ligther" and able to move and function than other times. I did lie down for most of it, and the peak was intense: at one point it seemed as if I would break through, but in the end didn't.

Due to my emotional state during those days, I didn't want to go too deep, and decided to take a second dose of only 20:4. This dose was much darker and somatic. I was about to get heartburn, but in the end I didn't (I had drank a bit of water with baking soda beforehand). The visuals were few and there was a lot of darkness. My emotions opened up. It was rough and difficult to get through. However, once the stomach discomfort subsided towards the end, I started feeling much more positive, and was left in a state of calm.

During the next few days, I was very emotional, which wasn't too adequate for the circumstances.

This was very different from how I've drank Aya other times, and is an approach I want to experiment more with when I have time. I was able to mostly keep heartburn at bay without even lemon essential oil, and be in a slightly altered state where I could think deeply about many issues for a much longer time. Ideally, I'll be at a more emotionally stable (and a more stable situation) for the next time, and will end with a larger dose.

 

[northape]

Due to my emotional state during those days, I didn't want to go too deep, and decided to take a second dose of only 20:4. This dose was much darker and somatic. I was about to get heartburn, but in the end I didn't (I had drank a bit of water with baking soda beforehand). The visuals were few and there was a lot of darkness. My emotions opened up. It was rough and difficult to get through. However, once the stomach discomfort subsided towards the end, I started feeling much more positive, and was left in a state of calm.

Ime, this heavy darkness comes from the gut and is the kind of stuff the medicine tries to remove from you. In that case, I usually drink a second dose to give extra force to the process, and it ends in purging with a shift to a more balanced state. This medicine requires enough strength to push heavy energy out, so drinking more (especially caapi) is preferable. You fully digest the medicine only when your system is relatively clean (both mentally and physically). If there is any stuck energy in you, it will try to clean you first. I drank Brazilian caapi in the summer, and it was all about cleansing even though I had lots of chaliponga in it (12g per dose). I had close to no DMT effects, but I was purging from both ends. In retrospect, it gave the strongest push toward a different relationship with life and my situation, opening many doors.

It is best to have a few free days after ayahuasca because most of the work comes after the experience. You tend to feel a bit vulnerable and shaken afterward. However, if you have done a proper ceremony with a clear end closing your energy, it is safe to roam about (just not advisable).

I told you before, for a time my drinking process was very similar to your last one. I used to reboil the brew with some honey and put it in a thermos. I would drink it in shots until reaching the desired depth. This is easier to follow for anyone who is familiar with alcohol and tends to create a relatable structure. My ceremony setting was very formal, but the consumption itself followed a known social pattern. After some time I switched back to traditional use, but small shots of ayahuasca certainly do work.

 

[blig-blug]

XXIX log update:

Dose:
T-00:40 -> 230mg harmalas (extracted from Peganum harmala).
T+00:00 -> 30mg DMT freebase, with 8 drops lemon essential oil.
T+01:10 -> 35mg DMT freebase, with 2 drops lemon essential oil.

This was in the morning, I was fasted since the day before in the evening.

It had been many months without taking Aya or pharma, and finally I was again in the right setting for it. My mindset was exceedingly negative, the last week I had been in a quite irritable and depressed mood. This irritability had peaked just the day before. So I already expected this to be likely not that pleasant.

This time I wanted to try to be sitting instead of lying down, both to help any gas come out and to try to stay more aware during the experience.

The first dose came up quite fast, and besides the typical blobs of color and light, a few more complex visuals insinuated themselves. I was feeling physically quite well. However, these visuals quickly diminished and only the blobs of color and the white light remained. After that, the first hour seemed quite uneventful. I had the perception of being somewhere else, and often when I opened my eyes I was surprised at seeing my (dark) surroundings, or the rotation in space (being that I expected a different rotation to be "upright"). I tried to focus my attention in my breath and my chest area, and I was moderately successful, although my focus weakened over time. Now I realize during this apparently uneventful hour I was becoming more and more resistant to emotions and closing myself in all ways. Although, in a certain sense, this closing myself was me opening myself to a certain "closed and resistant" mindset that I tend to fall into sometimes. So it's hard to know whether I was truly closing myself or was opening myself to being closed. Towards the end of this initial hour or so, I started feeling more and more discomfort in my stomach. At one point it seemed I was starting to get heartburn, but it went away after I burped. It was not too strong, however.

The effects hadn't been to strong and seemed to have been getting weaker for quite a while, so I decided to redose despite only a little over an hour having passed since the first DMT dose. After a while, I started feeling more stomach discomfort. It quickly progressed from discomfort to feeling really ill, and from feeling really ill to a kind of torture. By then, I was getting quite a lot of internal hallucinations (although many seemed too dimly lit to be observed clearly), but in the moment they just seemed to me quite normal mental activity, barely a vision (a few stood out more). I remember seeing an Orthodox icon featuring saints with halos that were exchanging something amongst themselves, seeing my girlfriend standing up in the room while I was lying down in my vision, seeing a face made by neon-like white lights vomiting human feces...

One that really stood out was a ball of white light with a white bird floating in the middle, wings open. At first I saw it but was unable to process it, as if in a dream. When I noticed it more, my field of vision moved downwards and I couldn't see it anymore, only the light emitted by it. I could look at my hands (with eyes closed, seeing them in a position where they weren't in reality, being able to move them without actually moving them) and see the reflection of the light, and the shadow cast by it, but not at the light itself.

I also saw a spinning vortex of light inside me, and some other people that I know. These vortices connected the body to a mass of white light above. It was clear in the moment that they were consciousness, the observer that is beyond experience. I could also see the body around becoming something like lego pieces and crumbling, representing how the body and ego are accretions that will end up crumbling and disappearing, but consciousness itself will never change or perish.

Despite these mostly positive visions, I couldn't pay much attention to them, as I was feeling as if I were dying. The feelings of profound bodily sickness, centered in my stomach but radiating to all my body, kept increasing. I was able to get the vomit bucket, but I couldn't even bring myself to try to vomit, as the smallest movement increased my suffering greatly. So I kept my face above the bucket, waiting to hopefully vomit at some point.

As my physical suffering increased, the visions started becoming very chaotic, aggressive and disjointed. Also, either they became faint or I was just unable to pay attention to them. I started experiencing intermittent feelings of a kind of rush so intense that it was almost painful. This rush progressed from the outer edges of my body towards my vertical middle, particularly towards my nose. I started feeling very hot (as I have in the past). It truly seemed as if I were dying, and remaining calm took a very sustained effort, remembering moment to moment that I was actually fine and that this would pass.

Finally, at about T+3:00, I suddenly vomited. It was quite easy and not too uncomfortable. Some minutes after vomiting, I started to feel better, and started feeling clean and renewed as the malaise diminished. I started getting some very characteristic DMT-style visuals, but these faded after a few minutes. After about 20 minutes, I felt still a bit sick but mentally relaxed and happy, and went outside my room to cuddle with my girlfriend, who had been done from her experience since quite some time already. I spent the rest of the day relaxing, meditating upon my experience, and enjoying my mental state of clarity and happiness.

The suffering and feelings of heat stroke and dying were very similar to those in log XII, although stronger. In fact I don't think I've ever felt physically as bad before, in any situation. I'm happy this time I was able to manage it well and remain calm, if suffering.

As I noticed then, these feelings seemed in the moment like reliving some very old memory, and the experience aligns well with Grof's BPM II. I don't think it's necessarily a "true" memory and/or a birth memory, it could easily be a symbolic representation of other issues. I want to stay open to different possibilities, so I'm not going to focus on any given explanation, but on the experience itself.

This was greatly beneficial not only in breaking me out of my negative mental state (of which it seemed to be a maximally extreme manifestation), but also I've been having some realizations during the two days that have followed this experience so far. Mostly related to my mother's attitude towards me during most of my life, and some roles she has assigned to me since childhood that I have assumed without realizing. E.g. being always dependent on her in one way or another, so as to enable her to fulfill a role of "martyr" while also holding it against me. The last threads of this role are currently being cut, so it makes sense that it would come up.

It has also come to my mind afterwards that my refusal to investigate the literal meaning of some of my experiences is an obstacle for my progress. Specifically, the feeling that I should explore better the possibility that the visions in log X about spirits, fetuses, etc. may be true in a more literal sense (I've taken them as fully symbolic so far). I'm willing to keep my mind open but I don't want to slide into delusion or unwarranted certainty about unknowable realities. So I'm going to explore this line of thought, but with caution.

I intend to keep taking pharma or Aya every one or two weeks for the following month, at least.

 

[blig-blug]

XXX log update:

Dose:
T-00:50 -> 230mg harmalas (extracted from Peganum harmala), in two gelatine capsules.
T+00:00 -> 35mg DMT freebase in a gelatine capsule, with 8 drops lemon essential oil.
T+01:30 -> 30mg DMT freebase in a gelatine capsule.

Again in the morning, fasted since the previous day in the evening.

This was an experiment in using capsules, something I hadn't tried before. My intention for this experience was to find ways and strength to stay more calm in my day to day, as these days I'm under some stress.

The harmalas started being effective about 10 minutes later than usual due to the capsules, so I waited a bit more for the DMT.

The first DMT dose was quite mild, and so was the second, at first. I was feeling very calm and comfortable. There were barely any visuals and only a few internal hallucinations (one of them was the experience of being in a green field under a bright blue sky), and just a couple of times I got the characteristic DMT waves. I had time for reflection and felt very comfortable. Nausea and stomach discomfort had been minimal so far.

Towards T+3:00 I was feeling that the experience was coming to an end, and I started getting mentally ready to leave my room and go join my girlfriend. However, at about T+3:15 I started feeling significant stomach pain, and suddenly needed to go poop (normal, not diarrhea). After this, I started getting more bloated and nauseous, and at T+3:30 it had become already quite challenging. For the next two hours, I was again under waves of nausea and stomach pain. This time, stomach pain dominated, sometimes feeling like maybe heartburn. I'm not too sure if it was heartburn or not, it felt as if I had something solid inside me that caused a dull and insistent pain. This came and went, it wasn't constant.
There were also mental effects, with the very typical aya/pharma headspace where one feels somehow on the verge of death (not necessarily in an unpleasant or scary way). No visuals nor internal hallucinations. It was quite physical, besides the headspace my thoughts felt quite normal.

At about T+5:30, I was feeling a bit better and went to lie down with my girlfriend in another room. But shortly after, the pain increased again. Pain and nausea persisted and started decreasing at about T+6:15. Then, something a bit strange happened: I could feel pain somewhere in my intestines, and then a DMT wave would come. These DMT waves were relatively strong, forcing me to close my eyes, and had no visuals besides light blobs. They were quite pleasant once I could let myself enjoy them, at some points I felt as if my body was "blessed", and all pain and discomfort (including normal, day-to-day discomfort) would sometimes disappear. Each wave lasted a short time, maybe about 5 minutes, likely because I was not fully MAO inhibited anymore. In between waves, there was still pain and some nausea, but less and less. The experience ended at T+7:00 or so, leaving a pleasurable afterglow with minor nausea.

Once again, it left me feeling renewed, much calmer, and with some insights that started appearing once the experience was more or less over.

I'm pretty sure the capsules caused this delay in DMT effects. I imagine the capsules didn't fully open, and it's possible that the DMT freebase didn't have time to fully convert into a salt in the stomach, and passed into the intestine (which is mildly basic) as freebase, thus further delaying and slowing down absorption.

I'm going to give capsules a second chance, by piercing and breaking them beforehand. My intention is to avoid having to drink it: if I'm going to drink something, I'd rather drink a caapi brew. It's likely that even with the capsules pierced it won't work well, we'll see.

I'm considering once again taking DMT together with harmalas or shortly after, instead of waiting that much. Very often, it seems as if my stomach refuses to let anything go through after the harmalas start having an effect. Capsules may have made this more extreme, but it's still very common with liquids. In the end I may vomit (the best case scenario, as it brings relief) or, as in this case, my stomach will end up releasing it, but with much pain and nausea.

 

[Sakkadelic]

with 8 drops lemon essential oil.

How are you ingesting it? It's a lot and if undiluted on an empty stomach I imagine it can be rough on the stomach.

I'm considering once again taking DMT together with harmalas or shortly after, instead of waiting that much. Very often, it seems as if my stomach refuses to let anything go through after the harmalas start having an effect. Capsules may have made this more extreme, but it's still very common with liquids. In the end I may vomit (the best case scenario, as it brings relief) or, as in this case, my stomach will end up releasing it, but with much pain and nausea.

I've found that just dumping the freebase harmalas on my tongue and swallowing it with water to be very acceptable, minor bitterness if anything. And yes that wait might have been too long, with capsuled dmt you maybe can take it right after the harmalas (if not capsulated).


It's unfortunate that physical abdominal pain is recurring for you with ayahuasca, as I recall you don’t often have it with other psychedelics. Do you feel it's more due to the harmalas or the dmt? Does taking harmalas orally alone cause the same issues?
I do have stomach issues of a weak/weakening stomach lining at times causing great pain and discomfort. And harmalas don't seem to negatively impact it.

Have you tried a light and simple diet for the day or days before the trip instead of fasting?

 

[blig-blug]

How are you ingesting it? It's a lot and if undiluted on an empty stomach I imagine it can be rough on the stomach.

I'm just swallowing the drops, yes. I usually have them with water (often the freebase DMT will dissolve in it if put in the water glass together), this time I didn't but I don't think it made any difference. In the past I've tried just not having the essential oil, and I tend to have the same issues, just with very strong heartburn. The essential oil works well at protecting me from heartburn, and from overly acidic vomit.

I've found that just dumping the freebase harmalas on my tongue and swallowing it with water to be very acceptable, minor bitterness if anything

That's very similar to what I usually do, only I put them in water and drink the water with the freebase harmalas floating in it. It doesn't taste like almost anything, but after having done it quite a few times, I find it as disgusting as drinking caapi, or maybe more (!). Even just handling the harmalas to weigh them makes me shiver haha. That's why I was interested in capsules for pharma.

It's unfortunate that physical abdominal pain is recurring for you with ayahuasca, as I recall you don’t often have it with other psychedelics. Do you feel it's more due to the harmalas or the dmt? Does taking harmalas orally alone cause the same issues?

I do tend to have minor stomach issues with other psychedelics, but nothing comparable. I think the real physical discomfort may not be that much more with aya/pharma, however *huasca makes it feel like my whole soul is involved in it.
I think it's the DMT, because harmalas on their own cause me no issues, and the problems tend to start when the effects of DMT start. Interestingly, I had DMT once without harmalas just to test if it would cause me any discomfort, and it didn't (but it's very likely that it got broken down by MAO before it could cause any trouble).

I think it's likely to be related with psychological issues, in my case. For example, this time there wasn't that much going on in my mind during the experience, and yet I ended up feeling much better than I do after taking any other psychedelic. I feel all my negative emotions in my stomach instead of anywhere else, I don't think I ever feel a negative emotion without feeling relatively strong stomach discomfort. So I'm thinking it's likely I just have to keep going through this for a while. It leaves me feeling renewed both physically and mentally for quite a few days, so it's a worthy tradeoff for me. Although of course I'd like to reduce the discomfort if I can.

I do have stomach issues of a weak/weakening stomach lining at times causing great pain and discomfort. And harmalas don't seem to negatively impact it.

In my case, when I get stomach discomfort due to emotions, it's very immediate. It appears instantly as the emotion arises, and it's in fact how I tend to recognize those emotions at first. It also goes away as soon as the emotion goes away. So I think it's likely coming from the nerves in the stomach, rather than being some other process that ends up causing discomfort. The nausea and pains with *huasca often feel different and sometimes are clearly due to gas or acidity, though.

I'm thinking it may be better for me to drink rue or caapi tea instead of pure harmalas, because those tend to cause vomit or diarrhea much more reliably while being less likely to result in heartburn (for me), and that has always helped. I feel as if I need to purge all kind of crap out of me. Not in a literal, physical sense, more emotionally.

Have you tried a light and simple diet for the day or days before the trip instead of fasting?

This time I have only fasted since dinner the day before (and I took pharma in the morning), and I kept it light. But yeah, it could be a good idea to eat something very light and bland a couple hours before, I've never tried that yet. I'm thinking of having a small rice bowl, without any condiments.

Something else I want to try in the future is having pharma in enteric coated capsules, thus bypassing the stomach. The reason I'm not trying it right now is because I'm not in a good environment right now, nor have the necessary materials in the case of DMT, to make my freebase DMT and harmalas into salts.