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Fire - It Burns

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godling

godling

Winnie the Pooh
I'm reaching out right now..

I'm really struggling with some things...

i've been noticing things about the universe... basically i've been learning a lot about the interconnectedness of life.. and i'm seeing, throughout my entire life in this particular one, that certain things have been placed purposefully for me to fall.. i don't understand this...

i don't understand why there has to be destruction,,, why is it that i can be so blind and destroy everything that i desire.. it breaks me.. i've shattered my image against eternal oblivion countless times just so that i may shine a clearer love to life and to feel life more.. to live in higher vibrations.. i've focused my entire life towards this,, ever since i was a young child... yet it seems that i can't get away from my own destructiveness... i love life soooo much and dream to do wonderful things..

...i can't stop pushing away those i love dearly.. i do it unconsciously... and then i burn from within from the remorse...
there's been this girl in my life that i love so dearly.. and i pushed her away because of old religious paradigms that i had compartmentalized away.. and through other deep scars of past love... and now i've come to complete terms with it all.. she loves me dearly.. idk if she'll come back from all of this.. i know she wants to... the guilt is what eats me up mostly.. and that she holds me at arms length right now.. we barely speak right now... it's old fashion love so i'm not worried that we wont make it through, ,, it's just eating me up so bad... i wanna wake up next to her and kiss her on the cheek and tell her how beautiful she is... and what's so pressing about all of it, is that this is all very similar to a bad trip in the physical everyday life.. i got this image of two lovers separated by see-through glass.. and that all of my dreams are dangling in front of me but i can't reach them, they're out of grasp.. ...

i try to stay constantly busy just to get through the anxiety

i used to laugh about irony.. but now as i entire into a desert-like state,, i find that it feels as though there is this grinding through my entire being and it feels as though my skin is on fire and the inside...

...i'm constantly wailed on by the energy of love and it is so powerful... it feels as tho i crumble as i walk...

... i'm in and out of jobs constantly... some of them my fault, others i've been shown that it was literally the universe...

i don't know what is going on.. it feels as tho i am drowning in love and my lungs are on fire trying to breathe... '

these finances are eating me up... i'm leaning on life as much as i respectfully can, i'm afraid i might collapse.. i have great and wonderful dreams that are all for the earth and beyond but i need to build resources and tools for it.. which requires tons of training and money to train...

on a side note there are still amazing cosmic things happening keeping me afloat... it's just this grinding fire,,, ughhh it makes me not want to be here and resort to xanax or pain pills.. i mean i'm not super abuzing them about i really don't like to have to use these things...

i'm thinking of a possible cactus resin "vitamin"

and also getting into yoga sooner than i would..

idk.. is anyone else experiencing this crazy fire on all emotions and desires and energies...

... just wanna say, i love you all,,, you are spectacular beings of light.. so much individuality in your beauty... shine life and love life with no reservation
 
Hey there brother!

It's a tough realization to do that one is destroying elements that is actually good for oneself. It is even tougher to realize that this is often done on purpose, if only from the subconscious. I struggle with the very same thing myself. But then I ask... If we weren't in one way or another supposed to destroy these elements, then why would we?

Clearly we would not. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. If we destroy something, then the grounds of which it was built wasn't good enough. It never is (except at the Omega point), though, so the constant destruction is in the very nature of the fabric of space and time. The other side of the coin is creation, or construction.

Because that is just what it is, a two-sided coin. Construction/destruction. Again and again, and for each time it is built a bit better. We see this duality in all aspects of all life. However, what I feel one must be careful of is to actually construct a better version of the element once it has been destroyed.

You know, this duality is not restricted to this. You say you feel you are on fire of love, but struggling to breathe. Here's the duality again - air/fire, struggling to find a balance. I am often struggling with the very same thing myself, and while breathing exercises, yoga and such does help, I feel one should be conscious in every second of how this balance is kept (or not).

What I've learned is that grounding oneself is the best way to restore this balance. Feel the 'heavyness' in every part of your body. Be conscious about each breath. Feel your clothes touching your body. Live in the present moment. Dreams are nothing bad, but staying in them will keep them just that - dreams. Start in this very moment, this eternal present, and your dreams will soon enough be fulfilled.

Thanks mate! I needed this.
 
through a particular philosophical lens the importance of Shiva has helped me understand destruction. google and learn.

ime the cactus vitamin creates an undesirable distance and not just from our common material world. it sounds like you'd benefit form being present more often and quieting the internal dialogue. not easy but worth plenty. keep a journal to vent the thoughts, take up meditation, join a gym.

honestly wouldn't recommend any drugs for the situation. personal opinion.

standard suggestions to get out of a funk apply: eat nutritious fresh food in a well balanced diet, get regular exercise and a good bit of sun exposure each day, sleep an appropriate amount at the same time each night. if nothing improves after a month or three then consider seeking some form of professional council or help.
 
"certain things have been placed purposefully for me to fall.. i don't understand this..."

Please be more specific. =)

"i don't understand why there has to be destruction,,, why is it that i can be so blind and destroy everything that i desire.. it breaks me.. i've shattered my image against eternal oblivion countless times just so that i may shine a clearer love to life and to feel life more.. to live in higher vibrations.. i've focused my entire life towards this,, ever since i was a young child... yet it seems that i can't get away from my own destructiveness... i love life soooo much and dream to do wonderful things.."

Destroy other people physically, your dreams sabotaged, your hopes? Women & relationship sabotage? If you live your entire life to be selfless (Even though I strongly identify with this) sometimes it's not always beneficial towards ones place in life. Er, I mean women love men of inner strength, real confidence, sexual magnetic personalities, etc. If you are always killing that self they will have no polarity attraction towards you. Check out this video:
Parts 1 - 12 Perhaps it helps. Perhaps not. Some people are born under a chaotic spell, and destroy everything they touch. Do you fall into this category? One of my best friends does.

What goals, dreams, ambitions, desires do you have for this mortal coil & time you spend upon this earth? What is your highest ideal or truth?

"i can't stop pushing away those i love dearly.. i do it unconsciously... and then i burn from within from the remorse...
there's been this girl in my life that i love so dearly.. and i pushed her away because of old religious paradigms that i had compartmentalized away.. and through other deep scars of past love... and now i've come to complete terms with it all.. she loves me dearly.. idk if she'll come back from all of this.. i know she wants to... the guilt is what eats me up mostly.. and that she holds me at arms length right now.. we barely speak right now... it's old fashion love so i'm not worried that we wont make it through, ,, it's just eating me up so bad... i wanna wake up next to her and kiss her on the cheek and tell her how beautiful she is... and what's so pressing about all of it, is that this is all very similar to a bad trip in the physical everyday life.. i got this image of two lovers separated by see-through glass.. and that all of my dreams are dangling in front of me but i can't reach them, they're out of grasp"

What makes you feel any less worthy for her or her of you due to past belief systems still impeding upon your reason for why you hold on or push away? Perhaps if you compartmentalized these philosophical / religious memes there's some unequivocal suffering going on due to total rejection opposed to integrative understanding to embody the good and cast out the bad. Perhaps there are things you have yet to pursue for inner strength in order to fill the void caused by compartmentalization? I mean if you are judgmental of others based upon a value system you no longer ascribe yourself worth or value to, then where do you derive your self value in order to compare it to others? Are you pushing people away out of fear of hurting them? Sorry I'm casting a wide net, but could you clarify so I could refine the input I wish to give you? =)

If you really have to have a boot camp to relationship advice, and life advice I highly recommend two classic free audiobooks that helped me tons.

A man who is divided in nature, sulks from life, questions himself, or is uneasy in how he holds himself, etc will be sexually repugnant to her. I was their.
These taught me how to be myself, attract and love sexy women, and get serenity vampires out of my life, get self esteem, respect myself, and find a niche in the world. Plus they're free, and this author's lost it all and came back. Regardless if you are not into the s&m lifestyle, the later audiobook will still help you even if you're not kinky. It should help you get self doubting programming out of yourself if you give it a try.



"i try to stay constantly busy just to get through the anxiety"

You need to relax, listen to what you feel, and write it down on paper. Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, either that, or you are obsessing about something you cannot control. Otherwise, you can control it, and your obsessing about it opposed to taking action without worrying, thinking, or over complicating is getting in the way. Get to a place where you can get rid of your anxiety. Take control of your self talk. Take back your head space with Relaxing music, bi-neural beats, Other stuff. PM Me if you want help there. You need to learn how to coax yourself out of an anxiety state. The only thing that helped me was 2nd plateau extracted dxm, and theta wave meditation + sensory deprivation. If you do obsessive habits or activities even work in order to get out nervous energy, you are only feeding the beast. You must learn how to do one thing mindfully at a time.
Check out videos by adyashanti on google video search. He can tell you about how to be one thought at a time so that when you are doing something you are that action; nothing more. At the same time this frees up energy, and your mind can multitask more efficiently once you master this empty state.

"i used to laugh about irony.. but now as i entire into a desert-like state,, i find that it feels as though there is this grinding through my entire being and it feels as though my skin is on fire and the inside."

You may be experiencing everything through multiple lenses, and these perceptual physiological experiences you are feeling are a kind of physical-ization of mental incongruity. Don't physicalize your emotions, or project yourself through your energy body all the time. You don't have to become what you think. Sometimes it's o.k. to project (by expressing, and feeling emotions out aloud in an empty room), externalize it by feeling others empathy on your thoughts, (As much as feeling them as rich pure emotions as though they were your own) and compassion (Imagining the plights of others opposed to emotionally eating and living off your internal world alone) within your being by not over analyzing everything. Take sustenance from the love and life you see around you. If I am off, help me get back on track..

"i'm constantly wailed on by the energy of love and it is so powerful... it feels as tho i crumble as i walk."

You need to let your light body integrate into your physical body. You are at risk of loosing your humanity if you physically experience the ether-real over the suffering of being incarnate. If you are this out of sync, you simply need to work on grounding your body with mother earth. I don't believe in this guy 100% by everything he says, but his meditation's pretty cool.
Warmer or colder? If so, how?

"i'm in and out of jobs constantly... some of them my fault, others I've been shown that it was literally the universe."

Sometimes the universe will try & get you to look within. It will allow no distraction to come between the true realization of self. No job to isolate you from the path of knowing yourself. The I am I. I hate to quote British blackshirts, but look at this speech: Oswald Mosley Speech - Comrades In Struggle
It speaks of belief in one's self. This sort of sheer belief will help you get far in the world (Less the nationalist socialist slant)

Aptitude tests come in handy, self improvement is only a click away on the internet. At some level you will have to accept that only you are responsible to how you will be of service in light of the accepted expectations any employer will assume and it is your soul responsibility to learn and grow (For free online PM Me) in order to create for yourself the kind of person you want to be by learning & applying while retaining your true sense of self. You have to be willing to live with or without a job that you are yourself, somebody else, with your heart, or without your heart invested in a job in order to afford the means & acquire the knowledge with which to create for yourself the kind of job where you can do what you love as play & be yourself as the ultimate goal. Random chaos will always ensue. Nothing in this life is easy, however it's how you react which is based upon your well of knowledge which defines if you win with little effort or not.

"i don't know what is going on.. it feels as tho i am drowning in love and my lungs are on fire trying to breathe... '"

You need to heal your heart before you can be in love in a healthy non co-dependent relationship. You have to understand your self worth. Love yourself. Know thyself unto thy being. Love yourself unconditionally and have a warm regard towards all beings. You need to heal yourself. You need to be nurtured. Nurture vs nature has nothing to do with this one. You have to heal your sacred heart. Tantric kundalini (with calling a spirit partner) can help you to achieve this cleansing and balance. I know how to do it. If you have an interest, I will post my method.

If your soul is aching for love, than you need to realize it with your being. In opposites we are attracted towards that which completes us, and to not pursue it is to deny us of being. In each pursuit of love we find fanciful those characteristics in which we dance the divine flame the closest in duality we yield that sacred flame against ourselves without confessing it towards the one we love and by doing precisely that we suffer not by machinations of the mind but by not living the destiny ordained for us in our greatness. If you do not live the life fantasy you entwine your mind so boldly in, than you drown yourself in self ir-reprehensible loathing from the top of your head to the bottom of your soul. Your cup overflows with possibilities you squander by not unlocking your sexual potential not only emotionally, but transformitively by enticing such delights in your being your true intention into physical manifestation and form with your supposed lover. Why is love set to be settled down into a never unfolding paradox of inaction? To calculate this as male energy is to thwart ones opposite. You must either open towards the "what if" without fear, or cast aside your lofty dreaming yourself into self condemnation for not seizing opportunity through rightful action. If you are a truly honest and caring individual, then you will relay your sexual suffering to the other party by action without asking permission and with style. It's just how she feels this through every cell in her being (this tension) that will decide the outcome. Not by asking her, but by dancing around her with your energy.

"these finances are eating me up... i'm leaning on life as much as i respectfully can, i'm afraid i might collapse.. i have great and wonderful dreams that are all for the earth and beyond but i need to build resources and tools for it.. which requires tons of training and money to train..."

Again, PM Me for insights. Finances are one thing I can take into account. Need your skills list to be of service.

"on a side note there are still amazing cosmic things happening keeping me afloat... it's just this grinding fire,,, ughhh it makes me not want to be here and resort to xanax or pain pills.. i mean i'm not super abuzing them about i really don't like to have to use these things."

Xanax is not going to help you, but I am curious why you have ever taken them? Why pain pills?

"i'm thinking of a possible cactus resin "vitamin""

This sounds like something you need psychological help with, and or some very powerful cognitive tools to deal with.

"and also getting into yoga sooner than i would."

Yoga's great, and so is diet & exercise but they are all parts of the puzzle. Not always the complete picture, but a definite aid.

"idk.. is anyone else experiencing this crazy fire on all emotions and desires and energies."

Been there, done that. Got the T-Shirt. (As long as I'm understanding you)

Nothing I have said here should be a replacement for professional psychological help.
 
Thank you all so much.. i love how much you all love life.. i can feel it through your words... you are all a fresh breath of life.. thank you..

i'll prolly read all this a dozen times lol..

black, i'll pm you in a few days,,, i wanna sit on this for a minute
 
Godling, you're on the right track. It may not seem like it at times, and it is hard to feel it at times too, especially when you're fully wrapped up in the world of duality and physicality. The balance comes with time, experience and letting go in small increments every moment of each day as comfortably as possible. Have your favorite meal, play your favorite song, draw, paint, travel, read, and be sure to do all the things that bring you joy more often. Don't forget to have a daily laugh and in no time you'll feel more grounded, confident and your perception will be much clearer without the anxiety or worry. :) Keep up the good work bro:)
 
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