I AM OVER; DONE

[○]

88 Great post brother.

Three months back I was in a similar situation to you. I was in my back garage with my real good friend. Took 25g yellow caapi tea and about afew hours later I decided to venture on 50mg spice vaped in a chillum.

I layed back in my big comfy chair, had my buddy lit the herb...1st toke....hold..............second toke holldddddddd......BOOM!! everything started to symphonize in harmony around the garage...glaring over at my buddys holographic dancing portrait..i told him to light it ONCE more. Every part of my physical being started to envelop into the ether....and at that moment...the chillum is lit....one toke was all it took. As soon as I felt the molecule enter my mouth I knew instantly that something was about to transpire that was going to be more than i barganed for.

Dissolveee.....back....dissolveee....backkk...dissolveeee. That was the series of events that were happening to me. It had gotten to the point where my visual field eyes closed was no more or less intense than open. Completely in synch with this infinite harmonious vibration (super consciousness/etc). It went on for what seemed literally YEARS. But it all ended in about 10 minutes.

I didnt feel like I usually had in light to all the other jouneys I have had on breakthrough. I was just there...with this "infinite, pulsating mega structure of existence" It was the most beautiful but most terrifying thing I had ever seen. Terrifying just because I hadnt expected such a level of intensity compared to all my 300+ journeys.

Now after about 3 months of saying "never again" I find myself begging the question once again...beckoning....it's my nature as a human being....inquisitive....always pushing forward.. I am going back...

Its all about integration.

Much respect to you bro~

 

[pau]

possibly...
once we get our internal wiring right......
we can live permanently in that state which you glimpsed today.
Indeed, it is our destiny.

Those who've posted their mega-breakthru reports today are IMHO among the most fortunate. It appears the rest of us are rooting for you!

 

[gibran2]

For me, complacency led to surprise.

I’ve had 200+ breakthroughs in a little over a year, and after a while, I thought I understood the “range” of the breakthrough experience. Mild, typical, intense, total alien immersion – all the way up to blackout experiences where I awoke after 10 minutes with no memory of what happened.

After a while, it becomes (so I thought) easier and easier to know what to expect, not regarding the specific content, but the overall nature or character of the experience. One has a sense of what the “DMT experience” is like.

And then it happens – an experience unlike any other. Orders of magnitude more intense and totally unique in character. One is left totally unprepared. It is these experiences that reveal the “terrible beauty”.

I can’t say that I’m done – I’ve had a few mild to moderate breakthroughs since my “I’m done” experience, but my relationship with DMT has changed. Early on, there was lots of curiosity and a desire to see how “deep” it all goes. Now, I can say that my curiosity has been fully satisfied, and I’ve learned that it goes deeper than I will ever know.

I also know this: I made it back. I survived it, intact physically and mentally. I may have even grown as a result of the experience. Life is a very strange experience.

 

[vovin]

The sadistic thing is that after a period of time you want to go back to that place. It's like a addiction that you cannot shake it was terrifying but in a strange manner at least for me it was fulfilling. I swore off DMT for 6 years after the experience but every since then after I had recovered sufficently I have been tempted to step across that threshold and rejoin with the abyss.

 

[Ice House]

88, your a fortunate one. Explore long enough, Dosage just right, set and setting just right, several other unknown factors are in place and......... WHAM!

I had a life changing experience about 10 months ago. Before I was a member of the Nexus. The following was cut and paste from a posting of mine in the shroomery. A very blessed and cherished experince, though I continue to voyage and explore regularly, I hope I never have to repeat this sort of experience.

Ice House Shaman

Yesterday morning I took what would normally be a break through dose for me. The effects were minimal at best. I attempted three times to dose enough to break through and I got almost nothing. after trying three time with nothing I decided to give it a brake. I had enough left in the jar for one more hit, but, I decided to save it for another day.
Later that evening I decided what the hell, lets try again. I did the same thing I always do, I loaded my spice bong with a bit of parsley and put the rest of the spice in the jar on the parsley. looking in the tiny jar There was some residue coating the walls so I put a smidgen of parsley in the jar and rubbed it around cleaning up all the residue. I put this in the bong also. The residue was very minimal.
I did the hit, it was a big one I couldn't finish it. I held the smoke and all of a sudden there was a flash and everything was fukked up unlike it ever has been with Dimitri and I.
I have dosed over 100 times with good quality spice and have have fully psychedelic journeys almost every time.

This was very different. I though I had killed myself or maybe at best fukked myself up bad, like beyond repair. The visuals were unlike any other DMT experience I have ever had and the feeling was totally different. I experienced dead air. silence. my body pixelated and polymerized and then rotted before my very eyes. The experience is what I would associate with death. Only death. Something small and fast like large rubber slugs were pulling my legs apart and running away with pieces of me. All the while I could see the entire universe in a layered silent blue. Death. I remember feeling a deep sorrow and concern for my family and friends because they were not going to be able to be with me any more. I felt as though my soul was escaping through my body via my lungs and bronchi-oles and trachea. I could actually feel matter, the matter that your soul is made of coming out of me. I could feel it exit my mouth.

I slowly started to come back. I was vocalizing. I was asking if I was ok, if I was alive. About 20 minutes later I was completely back. This experience lasted well beyond the 3-5 minutes that is the norm.

This experience has been with me all day today and I remember it vividly. I cant seem to shake it.

It wasnt horrifying, or terror. But I dont want to experience that again. I'm not scared or afraid to dose again. I feel however that I need to take a break for a couple of months. And yet I want to dose again to shake this.

I think the dose was too high. I did too much? what else can explain the intensity, the vividness, the degree of ^&%^&$%^#%!@*!???

I am not who I was before this single DMT experience. What the Fuk?

I have had many voyages since, I feel that I have integrated fully since this voyage, but, I carry this one experience with me vividly with every step and breath I take on my lifes journey.

88 your experience really stirred up some emotions in me.

Thank You.

Respect and Gratitude

IHS

 

[Dorge]

Before we ever did any thing... my ol friend mitra would always say this..."heres to shamanic death and rebirth." that always just killed me...

eventually I got the point where I was like OK... I get the point, with that whole cycle and it started to lay off and allow me to glide... which has been nice.

 

[88]

... everything was fukked up unlike it ever has been with Dimitri and I. I have dosed over 100 times with good quality spice and have have fully psychedelic journeys almost every time.

This was very different. I though I had killed myself or maybe at best fukked myself up bad, like beyond repair. The visuals were unlike any other DMT experience I have ever had and the feeling was totally different. I experienced dead air. silence. my body pixelated and polymerized and then rotted before my very eyes. The experience is what I would associate with death. Only death. Something small and fast like large rubber slugs were pulling my legs apart and running away with pieces of me. All the while I could see the entire universe in a layered silent blue. Death. I remember feeling a deep sorrow and concern for my family and friends because they were not going to be able to be with me any more.

IHS - thank you for your post; there is much in your report that I relate to. Like you, I remember feeling great sadness that I would never see my children again. I believed that this was a permanent state of being, this state of death beyond death, and that I would never return to whatever it was that I had experienced before.

... I thought I understood the “range” of the breakthrough experience. Mild, typical, intense, total alien immersion – all the way up to blackout experiences where I awoke after 10 minutes with no memory of what happened.

After a while, it becomes (so I thought) easier and easier to know what to expect, not regarding the specific content, but the overall nature or character of the experience. One has a sense of what the “DMT experience” is like.

Gibran - again, like you, I felt I had a handle on hyperspace; the structure of the experience was to a large extent predictable, even if the content was not. There had been to this point a developing narrative in my relationship with hyperspace, in the sense that the lessons seemed to build on one another, and towards something. I felt they were teaching me how to navigate this space.

I would've been very happy to continue this path of exploration in this manner; I really loved the wondrous nature of hyperspace, and the interaction with the Entities therein; these journeys brought something very special into my daily existence. They helped me to break negative behaviour patterns, learn to truly cherish my life and relationships here on Earth, and also put an end to the depression that had plagued my life for decades. So I was very grateful for Spice, which I saw as a kind of ancient psychic medicine, that connected me with human ancestral spirituality, and helped me to become a better human being.

But this experience has really completely changed everything for me. As you say, Gibran:

an experience unlike any other. Orders of magnitude more intense and totally unique in character. One is left totally unprepared. It is these experiences that reveal the “terrible beauty”.

I want to take this opportunity to genuine thank you all for being here last night. As I struggled to understand what my laptop was, I knew that I needed some form of human contact, with people that could grasp and understand the overwhelming experience which, even then, still held me in it's grip. Writing the post here helped me to reenter this reality, gave me a connection to who I was before, a focus to still my shattered mind.

So genuinely, I am very grateful to you all for your presence and support and understanding.

Much love

 

[○]

:d

 

[gammagore]

It was on the second bowl of changa (which may have been substantial - I didn't weigh it out) that everything changed dramatically

That second bowl is always the one that hits home hardest.

88 bru, I dont know wheather to smile or cry when I read your post, it trully is a life changing experience what you went through.

Peace be with you.

 

[Luciapath]

Can I ask 88 you said you, or what was left of you, became part of this other conciousness that owned you, what was that like?

It was completely alien.

I have had experiences of feeling I am part of a collective consciousness - that I am one of many; and I have felt that the plant spirit is using my body/nervous system/psyche to explore our reality, much as they allow me to explore theirs.

But this was not me becoming part of something else; I was obliterated, the walls breached and the hollow remains of my psyche were being used by something, for something

Were there other conciousness's seperate from you that were also owned by this super conciousness?

There seemed to be some kind of conversation happening somewhere: I remember something saying, 'he is ready. This is what he wants' and this seemed to be in response to something else; perhaps something asking if it was a good idea to completely vapourise whatever structure of self I had created over these past 37 years ...

This really reminds me of the experience I had which still makes me scared to go back to hyperspace. About a week after I tried DMT for the first time I went to a rave and after dancing and exhausting myself, I was catapulted into hyperspace for the duration of a nitrous balloon.

I also heard a conversation, between two menacing entities, one of them telling the other that he was looking for a consciousness to use to be able to transcend, and that he needs someone who is a) in hyperspace so he can connect and b) very exhausted so they can't fight back. And I got this great feeling of panic because I knew I was in hyperspace, and I had been dancing for so long, I had kind of overdone the mdma and the place was so hot the girl next to me fainted at one point.. and then something happened like an attempt by the alien to melt itself into me, but it turned into visuals as my trip was wearing off.

If our experiences are any similar, with you the alien must actually have succeeded. I wonder why they want to transcend..

 

[jbark]

88 - I have only vaped spice/changa a handful of times, so my advice would naturally be pretty shallow.

However, after a harrowing bout in the darkness at the centre of the centreless abyss, you kindly gave me some words that helped me; so I am going to throw them right back atya!

88 wrote:

JBark - jsut got around to reading this thread now. Thank you for sharing this, its an excellent report, and you have described it with real honesty, which is not always easy.

I had a series of very, very dark journeys, and like you, wondered why the hell I was doing this and wondered if I'd come to the end of the spice route. Like you, I was eyeballing the doses and some were way, way too strong. What you have described is as far as I recognise, simply too much.

I would also like to join the chorus and recommend changa. And, as others have said, 0.001 scales - honestly, mine arrived about two weeks ago, and every journey since has been so much better.

As for surrender - yes, when they're coming into your skull with nuclear tipped jack hammers, and the quantum alien overload is flooding in through the cracks, no surrender isn't the first response - its more like get me the hell out of here now and all of you go away ... there are things in hyperspace there is no way I was going to surrender to.

But these dark journeys have great value; even if it is to appreciate this life, this plane of existence. Once, I was never so happy to be back in the monkey cage, where everything happens nice and slow. Wanted to kiss the earth like someone who's survived a plane crash.

In my experience, there is a great deal of wisdom and learning that we can take from hyperspace; but sometimes it take a lot of work to figure out how to go forward. Intention is everything; and if you suffer from recursive loops - as I do - an awareness of them is a first step in the right direction.

If you decide this is not the time for spice, then it is not time - whatever you choose, I hope we will hear more from you here on the Nexus.

Safe travel, friend

Wish I could help more, but I am still a tadpole in the marsh. Live with your kids. Kiss them and hug them everyday. They need you more than you need anything. I remind myself of this daily (1 have a 16 month old son), cause this thing called fatherhood I find a daunting challenge, partly because I have a habit of being self-absorbed, and this self- absorption is reaching a peak with my fascination with consciousness and its alteration. I constantly have to remind myself that however fleeting it seems, no matter how illusory and insubstantial, it is NOT. It is HERE. And NOW. And there ain't anything else.

Good luck and "safe travel friend", to quote a wise man I know.

JBArk

 

[ragabr]

88 bru, I dont know wheather to smile or cry when I read your post, it trully is a life changing experience what you went through.

I feel exactly the same way. 88, your presence here at the Nexus has been overwhelming positive for me and regularly acted as an anchor. I hope that you can find the good in this experience. I also hope that you don't feel the need to depart from the community, while you abstain from the spice, for purely selfish reasons; you would be greatly missed.

 

[Ayawasqero]

I'm still in it. It feels like this may be forever. Whoever I was until now, I AM NO LONGER.

Who ever I become from this moment forth, I will never be the same again. I have been overwhelmed. "I" have died; died a thousand times. Gone. My body is still here, but right now I am a stranger to it; 'I' have no idea who 'I' am; I am gone forever. The end.

I believe this is the last time I will smoke DMT in any form. It is done. Whatever it was I thought I was looking for, it is found. I am changed. A new being; terrified, overwhelmed beyond words. A mere host for something much more powerful than whatever I used to be. A symbiant; reprogrammed.

I am dissolute. I must relearn everything from this moment forth.

Whoever reads this - beware. Be careful what you wish for. Do not underestimate the unbelievable power of this. It is beyond anything you have ever known. It is indescribable, awesome and terrifying.

This is beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life; a thousand times beyond; a million.

Seems like You´ve been undergoing the ,shamanic breakthrough´, dude. May the Force be with You.

 

[jamie]

5-MeO molecules seem to open ones soul to non-benevolent spirits.
Pure NN-DMT molecules seem to open ones soul to Benevolent spirits.
This is a dualist, extreme, speculation, but perhaps true & useful advice.

Hmm...care to explain? Hasnt been my experience of 5meo when I worked with chaliponga extracts..5meo was like connection to source as the endless cycle of death and rebirth..

 

[88]

Thanks very much, guys - gammagore, JBark, ragabr ... it means a great deal to me. I'm planning I'll stick around here on the Nexus - there is still a lot of integratio I need to work through, and the experience is still something that only you guys can understand. I think the Nexus really helped me to come home from this.

Had an awesome day today. Took my kids up to Hay-On-Wye for a literary festival in the rolling hills of Wales. Beautiful, lovely special times. I can't tell you how much I appreciated and enjoyed every second.

There was a point in the journey when I realised that actually, I have a lot to lose. And I'm not ready to lose it.

Much love to you all

 

[88]

(Was in past-tense: converted to present-tense for emphasis.)
Hopefully the consciousness which possessed you is benevolent.

5-MeO molecules seem to open ones soul to non-benevolent spirits.
Pure NN-DMT molecules seem to open ones soul to Benevolent spirits.
This is a dualist, extreme, speculation, but perhaps true & useful advice.

I think in changing the tense you have done far more than change the emphasis; you've changed the context and therefore the meaning. This is not sound, because I was describing an experience which is now past. Therefore, your advice is based on false assumption, despite your good intention.

On another point, I have come across very malevolent entities through nn-dmt as well, so I don't think your speculation is valid. But thanks anyway, Ya, for the positve thoughts.

 

[vovin]

My experience being much like 88's was not under 5MEO but regular DMT with a sage base something I had done many many times. From what I can discern on the very limited information that I have seen on this phenomena there appears to be no trigger that makes this come about.

Many of us have had bad trips or met with negative entities but the experiences we are describing here are entirely different as if the DMT was a different drug. I wish I had the resources and the knowledge to investigate this further as I feel that it is a very strong phenomena and being able to bring it about on command would be very useful although harrowing.

 

[corpus callosum]

88.

I hope the choppy waters of your psyche are more settled today as the hurricane you experienced is now further away.

These short-acting tryptamines are too much-the dose-response curve is far from linear.I hvent tried 5 meo but this must have had a bearing on your trips nature.

Speaking personally, there comes a point beyond which any familiarity with the terrain is lost.This can happen in at least 2 ways.The first is probably more dependant on dose, pushing you directly to those incomprehensible areas;the second is more beguiling.You feel as if you have broken through to a place you know and just sometimes, this so-called familiarity just drains away revealing to you that you really dont have a clue about anything.It really is humbling and can occur without any 5 meo being taken.It confirms to me that one can take absolutley nothing for granted when using these compounds.

Its inevitable that the frequent visitors to hyperspace will on some sub-subconscous level become a little complacent about their ability to traverse these zones and this could well be the causative trigger to such a voyage.Its so hard to do but so easy to say-we must always go into every trip with a sense of open wonder , trust in the sublime perfection of our nervous systems and leave all the questions behind.These questions can be pondered later.

I can empathise with your experience to a point; I think I have been to a similar kind of place on one occasion with DMT alone, a trip that really had me flummoxed for 17 minutes which was substantially longer than the 10-13 minutes I usually get.The paradox is that I felt my days of DMT use were over on coming down from this but I was itching to try it again after a few weeks.I remember the trip being so ridiculously overwhelming but only in the most general of terms-the finer details of the true horror/wonder do inevitably fade.

In my mind, Im extending a warm hand and putting it around your shoulders.I hope you feel better today.

PS-is the literary festival worth checking out?

 

[88]

cc - I'm very grateful for your post. Yes, I'm certainly more settled today, but there is a lingering sense that nothing will ever be the same again. My awareness feels like its been shifted. I agree with you, it is human nature to identify common patterns, and to become complacent even in the face of wonder.

I think of the sky at night - there is really nothing more extraordinary than to see stars and planets, glinting in the black velvet of infinite space, an ocean of distance between us ... there is surely nothing that shows the fragility of human experience more clearly. And yet, night after night, I ignore it - forget even to look up, sometimes. Perhaps hyperspace is similar in some respects. I may be guilty of having become complacent.

There was something interesting which I've been considering today. On the first journey of the night, the hyperspace I found myself in was completely familiar - it was almost like I was going through a journey I had already done. But on the edges, there was this sense that it was toying with me. As I strove to find another level, to control my focus and clarify my intent, I begged it to show me more. So the journey that followed, the one that blew me apart, was the very thing I had asked for. I almost felt that they sort of can't do this to you unless you ask for it, and I asked for it. Its almost like I was tricked into it, weirdly.

I don't know. Perhaps I never will. But I appreciate the warm hand, my friend.

And yes - Hay Festival is a great day out...

 

[Felnik]

88 I feel you bro....

its been great to read this. I've had the same thing happen to me not long ago. then recently the same thing happened again. Its the single most terrifying experience of my life. I too feel as though I'm different and sometimes wish I never went down this road. This last time I was able to pull myself out of it. But it had me all over again and i freeked .

There is a feeling of complete loss and splintering of the self into a million fractal fragments. there is a sense that something has zeroed in on you and is cold and evil beyond description swallowing you up and making you part of the fabric of hyperspace. There is a distinct feeling that you will always be like this. there is a very feeling like something saying " OK you wanted to know what this is well here you go" what do you think your playing with here? it feels like a predator feeding on your mind. Like an alligator throwing you around like a rag doll.
The truth of the matter is that i'm pissed off about it. I can't get past the feeling. I am taking steps to learn how to protect myself some way.

Probably the best thing to do is just stop doing it altogethor. I'm feeling this more and more.

I believe that ayahuasca is our friend, protector and guide. DMT is the mechanism of transport. Its exactly as the shaman say it is.

My sense is that the secret may be to remain as neutral as possible like paying dead to a bear. if you are completely centered and focussed this thing cannot get you.
I am starting to believe that this thing likes dischord in our psyche . I think if we are conflicted and scared it can sense these vibrations and will move right in a take us deep into its fabric. I concerned how this thing will treat me now that i know its nature. You can't hide your thoughts from it. think pure thoughts I guess.

stay strong everyone much love to all